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Original poster

Sensitive issue with DDs friend WWYD?

193 replies

PrincessPearTree · 17/05/2019 19:37

My DDs 11th birthday was last week but due to her having SATs and a massive amount of practice test papers over the weekend she’s having a small sleep over with a few friends this evening. They are all off tomorrow early evening to a class mates birthday disco. So tonight they are have had a pizza and are watching a film and tomorrow my hairdresser is coming round to do there hair and between us we will do there makeup if they want for the party. My DD outright refuses makeup but a couple of the girls wear it.

One of DDs friends is in the same year but is almost 12. She’s a really lovely girl and has grown up with DD. Preschool, nursery, primary and they are starting secondary in September together.

I’ve heard people describe the family as “alternative” it’s hard to describe them but they have no gadgets at all, grow there own food, don’t follow any trends and not materialistic at all. They are a very educational family from a young age, this girl is very advanced beyond her years and has always been.

They all went to the park opposite our house. They came back this girl was really upset saying two boys who used to go to there school (year above and now in secondary) were saying she smells and has nits. I know from DD this girl has been having a horrific time over the last few years with constant teasing.

This girl asked me to check that it wasn’t nits and was dandruff. I took her into the kitchen to look in private and said to her it could be a few things most likely may be not washing shampoo out properly. Explained dd and myself get a flaky scalp. I looked, her hair is very dark and it did look bad with tonnes of fine white specs but it seems like she has cradle cap it’s a yellow colour all over her scalp. When She took her ponytail down and not only has this to contend with but her hair is very very greasy and the top section below where the hair bobble is it’s completely matted.

I told her not to worry and showed her mine, mines bad and looks like glue. Told her I use a shampoo prescribed by docs and I would give her a bottle to take home if she wanted. She told me her mum won’t let her use that, they had been to the doctor about it but her mum won’t treat it.

I know from DD she’s been teased for many years for this and for being smelly. No judgment but bless her she does smell of BO. DD has said in the past her mum knows this but refuses to let her use deodorant. DD has said many times if her mum let her have deodorant the teasing would stop.

This girl has said she wants me to put the shampoo on it. I’ve got Nizoral here, I know it’s available over the counter but I’ve said I need to check with her mum first but she’s said her mum will say no but she doesn’t need to know. I explained it may not make it go in one treatment and I have to use it every 2-3 weeks to keep on top of mine and DDs.

What do I do? She wants curls done tomorrow and tbh her hair really needs washing first and also de-matting. She pleaded with me to treat her but not ask her mum. WWYD?

Mum has agreed to let her have her hair curled but no makeup.

OP posts:
dreichuplands · 17/05/2019 20:24

If you had any small deodorants around you could leave them in the bathroom and say something like, "you aren't sure who brought what toiletries to the sleep over but if anyone needs or wants a spare there are some they are welcome to take."
If she feels able to take one and hide it in her bag you will have helped her.

Wannabeyorkshirelass · 17/05/2019 20:25

If they're only 11 it may be that her parents just don't realise she needs one yet. I definitely didn't need one at 11. Although surprised they haven't noticed the smell (maybe they smell too). No excuse for not treating the scalp though - as well as the cosmetic side, it must be so uncomfortable. She can't go to the GP on her own - 11 year olds can't make appointments and get themselves to the GP without their parents knowing! But this will get better as she gets older. The school have likely clocked it, but I'd write an email to the pastoral lead/designated safeguarding lead to tell them what has happened.

Oh and 1000000% wash her hair with the stuff and then some lovely shampoo! Feeling how nice it is clean may inspire her to stand up to her parents as she gets older.

CheekyFuckersDontGetPastMe · 17/05/2019 20:27

I would also wash her hair, offer use of the shower.

I’d also make sure there was sanitary products in the bathroom in case she needs them at a later date to?

Crustyloafs · 17/05/2019 20:28

Does the girl know what it is that her parents object to? Is it the ingredients, society exoectations, use of resources...?

Anti-persperants are nasty tbh and full of horrible stuff and stop the body working properly. But there are loads of alternatives. At the very basic bicarb powder will help stop smells. So perhaps you could look into that sort of stuff and ask her to speak to her mum about it.

Hair wise there are various shampoo alternatives or ways of dealing with hair without shampooing bth matted hair suggests she's not looking after it properly anyway.

Foreverexhausted · 17/05/2019 20:29

Without hesitation I would do it.

I would also buy her a deodorant and tell her she is welcome to shower and wash her hair at your house whenever she wants or needs to. 'Teasing' is the nice way of saying 'bullying' ay school and bullying leaves scars! Do what you can to help her! Its all very well her family being 'alternative' but it isn't normal not to wash your hair and to wear deodorant once you need to.

DeRigueurMortis · 17/05/2019 20:29

Another one posting to say yes treat her. Not just shampoo her hair but use the treatment you have and stick her in the bath/shower to get fresh (and give her some deodorant to use for the party).

I'd probably go further and invite her for additional sleepovers over the coming weeks and do multiple treatments if I could and not feel the slightest bit of guilt about it.

I'm all for ethical products but leaving a child with a poorly scalp that can be treated and not enabling them to have deodorant (and presumably not allowing them to wash daily) isn't "alternative" it's neglectful.

You've got the perfect excuse this weekend to feign ignorance and claim the washing was part of having her hair done.

I'd also seriously consider contacting the school safeguarding team not for very long I would call them on Monday.

CrazyHen · 17/05/2019 20:32

100% agree with previous posters, I would let her wash it. She will most likely be the last person to tell her Mum, and if her Mum does notice, i'd say that just shows that she knew her dd's hair was in a bad state beforehand. How heartbreaking. It sounds like this child is making a serious cry for help with you.

Foreverexhausted · 17/05/2019 20:32

I would ALSO put sanitary towels in the bathroom and let the girls know that if they need any toiletries whether thats a deodorant or a sanitary towel then to help themselves. Depending on how 'alternative' her family are you may find they don't approve of conventional sanitary towels and i wouldn't wish that on any teenage girl.

WYP2018 · 17/05/2019 20:33

I have a daughter a similar age and I would absolutely wash her hair in this situation. I’d use the cleansing shampoo followed by nizoral. Poor girl.

Original poster
PrincessPearTree · 17/05/2019 20:33

That’s a great idea about giving her some deodorant to take to school. They keep their PE bags at school. Every year I get given a makeup bag of some sort from SIL with toiletries that usually go unused so I will see what I have and will make her a little bag up for her and give it to DD to take into school for her.
We don’t have any roll on deodorant but will pop to the local garage tomorrow and grab some.

OP posts:
lyralalala · 17/05/2019 20:34

Mum has agreed to her hair being curled so if anything gets said just feign ignorance and make out that hair washing was part of the process.

As much as it's tempting to go in all guns blazing please don't. It's highly unlikely that social services would get involved in a situation where a child smells. In an ideal world they would, but in reality if the child is being fed, has somewhere to sleep and isn't in physical danger they won't.

When I was little the parents of my friends who spoke out against my parents were seen by said parents as disrespectful and all that happened was that I wasn't allowed to play with those kids any more. The Mum of one friend who ignored the bruises and marks (although kept a detailed note of them and anything I said about them) I still see every now and again and I adore her. The time playing in her house was one of the few times I felt safe and normal. When things got really bad an my grandparents ended up in court (they took us from school and refused to hand us back) she was able to back them.

Your home is obviously a safe space for her, and you a safe adult she can trust and confide in. That is worth so so much to a child. Speaking to her Mum won't help. Letting her wash her hair. Maybe having the odd sleepover so she can shower properly. Letting her know that someone cares - that will help. More than you or she will even realise yet.

FeminismandWomensFights · 17/05/2019 20:47

Lyra Flowers

Mingmoo · 17/05/2019 20:49

My mother was horribly controlling and refused to let me wash my hair more than once a week or have a clean school shirt more than once a week when I was a teenager. Do whatever you can for this girl.

Crazycat16 · 17/05/2019 20:56

Right that’s what I needed to hear. I will de mat her and wack a treatment on then wash her hair with normal shampoo as nizoral is great at treating hair but it’s only 2% shampoo and I’ve found it doesn’t actually wash hair very well.

How did we get from - just wash/dry and curl her hair to...

She spends more time here than DD does at hers as she just likes to have a bit of time doing what the other kids in the class do,

And then LEAP To her being in need of DEODORANT are you now saying she is smelly? Or are you just assuming due to her parenting?

That’s a great idea about giving her some deodorant to take to school. They keep their PE bags at school. Every year I get given a makeup bag of some sort from SIL with toiletries that usually go unused so I will see what I have and will make her a little bag up for her and give it to DD to take into school for her.
We don’t have any roll on deodorant but will pop to the local garage tomorrow and grab some.

Does the poor child actually need you to pop to the local garage for deodorant and make her an issue within the school?

MitziK · 17/05/2019 20:57

Regular supplies of unscented (so it doesn't alert the parents too much) toiletries sound like a very kind thing to do for her. The most important thing is regular washing - a clean washcloth in the bag would help her do that. What about toothbrushing? Is that allowed? I'd also bung in a Tangle Teezer and some dry shampoo.

I think that refusal to let a child keep clean, never mind wear makeup, is an abuse/control thing, particularly when directed at girls; keep them dirty, they're less attractive to boys, IYSWIM. I wouldn't be entirely surprised if it turns out that the main one setting these rules is the father.

The school will be interested to know, however - it's a sign of neglect and, even if it's not deemed enough to get Social Services all over them, it's enough to warrant the DSL keeping an eye on things and have an electronic paper trail for when she's found to be using old rags or is being berated for talking to boys/given extreme punishments when she almost inevitably begins to rebel.

It's also known to be a thing where abusive spouses keep their partners and children in isolation (such as in very rural places), constantly working on crops, animals or solely human powered housework, as it makes them too busy to be thinking about leaving and without many in the way of friends who might support them to do that.

I'd definitely just wash her hair, though. It was part of getting the hair done that was consented to. And if the parent(s) get sniffy about it, well, it's strange that once she starts her periods, it miraculously always happens when she's staying over. It's very bad luck, but, hey, these things can't be planned, can they?

Gruzinkerbell1 · 17/05/2019 21:00

OP you’re really lovely Flowers

TheFormidableMrsC · 17/05/2019 21:00

Oh my goodness, poor girl! I would 100% wash her hair and say it's part of the hair curling treat. I'd also run her a lovely, hot bubbly bath and let her have a good soak. I'd be telling the mother that her daughter has BO and that it needs to be addressed, I'd be totally frank with her. However, I am not backwards in coming forwards and appreciate that's difficult for others. This is also neglect and a massive safeguarding issue. You must report to school, in detail. I have had to do this recently for slightly different reasons, direct to the Family Welfare Officer. They will keep an eye on her and your report will be confidential. What happens when she has her periods? If she hasn't already? No sufficient washing and cotton wool in her pants? If it were me, I'd put together a little kit to keep at school, sanpro, cleansing wipes, wet wipes, deo, a pack of clean knicks. She will always know she has a safe person/place to come to Flowers

steff13 · 17/05/2019 21:01

And then LEAP To her being in need of DEODORANT are you now saying she is smelly? Or are you just assuming due to her parenting?

The first post says she smells and she's been teased about it. I don't think it's a leap that dodorant would help.

thenightsky · 17/05/2019 21:03

God yes... another one saying treat the poor love. However, be prepared for the de-matting to take hours! I've been in a similar situation with a school friend on a sleep over. I think it took me about 5 episodes of Sabrina The Teenage Witch Grin

And yes to a sneaky roll-on in her bag to keep at school.

sleepismysuperpower1 · 17/05/2019 21:05

I would treat it, and give her a small bag of unscented deodorant/sanitary towels to take away with her x

ittakes2 · 17/05/2019 21:06

Do you have a nit comb? The reason I ask is I use the nitty gritty not Comb to pull out my greasy dandruff - have for years. It’s stainless steel so keep it in the shower. If she wets her hair it would be easier - but I also do it dry.

Disfordarkchocolate · 17/05/2019 21:07

Poor girl, we're slowly going plastic free and vegan for toiletries and there are lots of products the parents could get their daughter if this is there focus. I'd set aside some fragrance free toiletries for her and let her know she can help herself from them when she is there. Letting her wash her hair wouldn't have worried me at all.

Tink1990 · 17/05/2019 21:08

So glad you have taken the advice to wash her hair. Bless her, it's good she has you and now knows she can speak to you the poor love. You really do sound lovely OP Smile

Notnownotneverever · 17/05/2019 21:09

As you have permission to give the young lady curls then I would wash it. You can’t really do the curls without it.
How well do you know the mum? Could you tell her about the incident at the park and that your DD has told you about the constant bullying?

Branleuse · 17/05/2019 21:12

The parents may well not want to get these things for her, but its very possible/likely that she has misinterpreted about not being allowed to use anything. For instance, I was convinced my mum would be furious when I started shaving my legs, and I allowed myself to be bullied rather than do it and risk her being upset about it, but actually when I finially did, it was a non issue for my mum. She had opinions about women shouldnt have to shave, but I had interpreted it as though I shouldnt.
Could well be something similar for this girl. Her mum might well not buy traditional toiletries, but it would be very strange if she wouldnt allow her adolescent daughter to wash or comb her hair.