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Sensitive issue with DDs friend WWYD?

193 replies

PrincessPearTree · 17/05/2019 19:37

My DDs 11th birthday was last week but due to her having SATs and a massive amount of practice test papers over the weekend she’s having a small sleep over with a few friends this evening. They are all off tomorrow early evening to a class mates birthday disco. So tonight they are have had a pizza and are watching a film and tomorrow my hairdresser is coming round to do there hair and between us we will do there makeup if they want for the party. My DD outright refuses makeup but a couple of the girls wear it.

One of DDs friends is in the same year but is almost 12. She’s a really lovely girl and has grown up with DD. Preschool, nursery, primary and they are starting secondary in September together.

I’ve heard people describe the family as “alternative” it’s hard to describe them but they have no gadgets at all, grow there own food, don’t follow any trends and not materialistic at all. They are a very educational family from a young age, this girl is very advanced beyond her years and has always been.

They all went to the park opposite our house. They came back this girl was really upset saying two boys who used to go to there school (year above and now in secondary) were saying she smells and has nits. I know from DD this girl has been having a horrific time over the last few years with constant teasing.

This girl asked me to check that it wasn’t nits and was dandruff. I took her into the kitchen to look in private and said to her it could be a few things most likely may be not washing shampoo out properly. Explained dd and myself get a flaky scalp. I looked, her hair is very dark and it did look bad with tonnes of fine white specs but it seems like she has cradle cap it’s a yellow colour all over her scalp. When She took her ponytail down and not only has this to contend with but her hair is very very greasy and the top section below where the hair bobble is it’s completely matted.

I told her not to worry and showed her mine, mines bad and looks like glue. Told her I use a shampoo prescribed by docs and I would give her a bottle to take home if she wanted. She told me her mum won’t let her use that, they had been to the doctor about it but her mum won’t treat it.

I know from DD she’s been teased for many years for this and for being smelly. No judgment but bless her she does smell of BO. DD has said in the past her mum knows this but refuses to let her use deodorant. DD has said many times if her mum let her have deodorant the teasing would stop.

This girl has said she wants me to put the shampoo on it. I’ve got Nizoral here, I know it’s available over the counter but I’ve said I need to check with her mum first but she’s said her mum will say no but she doesn’t need to know. I explained it may not make it go in one treatment and I have to use it every 2-3 weeks to keep on top of mine and DDs.

What do I do? She wants curls done tomorrow and tbh her hair really needs washing first and also de-matting. She pleaded with me to treat her but not ask her mum. WWYD?

Mum has agreed to let her have her hair curled but no makeup.

OP posts:
SadOtter · 17/05/2019 21:13

Sort her hair poor kid. A friends mum treated my hair for nits when I was at a sleepover (because my parents wouldn't) I was so grateful.

Yes to the bag for DD to take in to school. Could you put out some deodorant and just tell the girls its there 'in case anyone forgot theirs' unless mums specifically told you no deodorant you wouldn't know and then she can at least go to the disco feeling confident.

LookImAHooman · 17/05/2019 21:14

crazycat the poor girl is already ‘an issue within the school’. Are we reading the same thread?

Footle · 17/05/2019 21:17

I wonder what sanitary protection her mum will allow?

TheFormidableMrsC · 17/05/2019 21:17

Crazycat Have you RTFT Hmm

XXVaginaAndAUterus · 17/05/2019 21:19

An unscented, natural deodorant (type that can be bought in health food shop) might be accepted by the parents - I bet they think the antiperspirant ones are cancer causing, and a morning wash followed by a good deodorant will help her not to smell if a normal brand is a no no from mum.

I hold open the possibility that mum and dad aren't anti-washing, they're just using shite products - natural ones often shone work as well as modern chemical ones, which got invented for good reasons! If that's the case she would be allowed and encouraged to wash every day. The matted hair mum might not have noticed, and would go hand in hand with crappy bar shampoo which is notoriously hard to keep hair in good condition. I might be overly optimistic, but here's hoping....

I remember the smelly kid at school being terribly bullied. Looking back I'm certain he must have been a neglected child who needed help. :(

yolofish · 17/05/2019 21:24

this is heartbreaking, that poor kid. OP you sound so lovely, and I am sure she will be aware of that. I second letting someone at school know.

MatchSetPoint · 17/05/2019 21:26

I’d take tell her to have a shower and leave the shampoo in the bathroom, tell her to help herself to anything she wants, she’s not going to tell her Mum she’s used it but also it’s not reasonable for you to use it against her Mums wishes.

SirVixofVixHall · 17/05/2019 21:31

I use this, it is not cheap, but has no plastic, no nasties and works well. Maybe a little bag of eco toiletries for her birthday ?
www.biggreensmile.com/products/ben-and-anna-deodorant-stick-pure-fragrance-free/benannpure.aspx?productid=benannpure

Cherrysherbet · 17/05/2019 21:32

Yes, I’d do it op. Poor girl.

SirVixofVixHall · 17/05/2019 21:35

My dd has just turned 12, and I would feel terrible sending her to school with matted, dirty hair, a sticky scalp, and in need of deodorant. I am very careful with products as I buy eco ones if possible, and my dcs have sensitive skin, but this is on the edge of being neglectful.
Are they maybe very short of money ?
If they are avoiding plastic then bar shampoo is good.

SirVixofVixHall · 17/05/2019 21:36

Actually made me feel weepy, how kind and thoughtful you are op.

Blatherskite · 17/05/2019 21:39

Hair washing would seem to be a natural part of having hair done so I'd go for it. She'll feel so much better afterwards

GoGoJo · 17/05/2019 21:53

I've just switched to a rock stick deodorant and it's great. Totally natural and considering how little it's gone down in the last couple of months it seems like it's going to last forever.

Well done fit washing. I'm all for the crunchy environmental stuff and there are loads of ways to keep clean without using conventional product but you still have to use them.

If she's not allowed to shower regularly maybe suggest a strip wash every morning.

MangosteenSoda · 17/05/2019 22:03

Teenage/tweenage friends share a lot of secrets. So if your daughter provided deodorant for friend, let her shower and wash her hair when visiting your house etc etc, you probably wouldn't know about it.

Cakemadeoffruit · 17/05/2019 22:09

Each time she's at yours, think I would have a 'hairdressing salon' which involved both girls leaning over the bath and you washing their hair. At least that way it is occasionally washed and you are teaching her how to wash her hair, but keep your daughter in the room with you.

Depending on how you trust your daughter, think I'd say to her 'here's a new deodorant stick and a spare see if XXX wants one, then you can match'.

angelikacpickles · 17/05/2019 22:11

@Crazycat16

Perhaps have another go at reading the OP.

Gingerkittykat · 17/05/2019 22:12

Is it possible to have some kind of talk with the girl about hygiene? It sounds like she is going through puberty from the BO and if she is not taught the importance about washing pits and bits daily at home then she won't know. I wonder if she is allowed to shave her armpits? Could make a big difference to the smell levels.

BuildBuildings · 17/05/2019 22:19

Aww this is awful for her. I'm pleased she had somone to talk to. You sound like you've been lovely to her. I agree getting your hair done would include washing it. So you can probably 'get away with it' this time. However I do think you need a gentle word with the mum. It could be difficult but I wonder if she understands how much this effects her daughter?

Ruru8thestars · 17/05/2019 22:21

I would definitely demat her hair

CheerfulMuddler · 17/05/2019 22:31

A friend of mine uses this recipe for deodorant:
1 part coconut oil
1 part bicarb
1 part cornflour
1/2 drops essential oil to smell nice

She says it works really well. You can get most of it from Tesco - maybe the girls could make some as a party activity tomorrow morning and take a little bottle/jar home as a party favour? And maybe you could drop something into conversation with the mum at pick-up time about how odd it is seeing your little girl growing up, getting make-up done, using deodorant now etc etc.

I was a kid who smelt right up to about year nine when I finally started buying my own deodorant. My mum was a very loving, caring mum - I think she just hadn't realised/noticed I'd got to that age. When you live with someone, you don't notice in the same way you do a stranger. Also, although my mum does use deodorant, she isn't the sort of person who wears make up or shaves her legs or anything like that, so all those things were conversations she never thought to initiate, which meant I did get teased for having hairy legs at school. And I didn't start using conditioner until I shared a house at university and realised that was something people did.

Which is a way of saying that this isn't necessarily neglect - it may simply be that personal hygiene/appearance isn't something they really notice or think is important. The fact that you say she's very advanced educationally makes me suspect that they probably care a lot about books and not very much about having matted hair, and they've forgotten how important that is to a nearly-twelve year-old, who doesn't have the option of spending all day on a farm.

(And yes, what everyone else says - washing/dematting hair is a necessary part of the curling process.)

BlackPrism · 17/05/2019 22:46

Do it. Don't tel them.

springgreensunshine · 17/05/2019 22:57

Maybe once she knows what it's like to have nice clean hair she'll be more determined to keep it like that for herself. Wee soul.

TellySavalashairbrush · 17/05/2019 23:02

Wash the hair, supply an unscented roll on for her to keep at school. Social services will not be interested in this type of case. Glad she had you to confide in op.

Missingstreetlife · 17/05/2019 23:19

Tea tree or calendula shampoo and soap have anti fugal effect.a herbalist or homeopath would give tincture. Ask Helios, they have a remedy helpline. There are natural deodorants in chemist or health food shop. No excuse for this

Rozzie18 · 17/05/2019 23:28

Help her how you can and avoid telling her mother, as it may make her reluctant to send her round. It sounds like your home is somewhere she feels comfortable and safe to express herself.

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