My husband cheated on me last night

[WifeOfCheater]

NC’d but a regular poster

Been married 10 years, 2 kids, mortgage and happy marriage where nothing more than a few arguments have happened.

Husband went out to watch football yesterday - a rare occurrence he doesn’t often drink so I knew he’d be three sheets to the wind.

He FaceTimed me at 10.30 pissed as a fart telling me how beautiful I am and that he loves me. Not unusual, he gets soppy when drunk. But then he started telling me about a girl who’d pursued him all night and offered to take him back to hers for a shag. She was 17, two weeks off her 18th birthday apparently. I said why are you telling me this, I hope you told her no, and he stayed quiet and said he was getting a taxi home, and laid it on thick with the “I love you” and compliments.

While I was waiting for him to come home I had a sick feeling and knew something wasn’t right. When he got back I asked him if he did anything with that girl. I fully expected him to say “no of course not” because I didn’t think for a moment he’d cheat on me. But he confessed she gave him a blow job down the side of a furniture shop.

I feel sick. The fact she’s 17 - less than half his age - makes my skin crawl. What kind of man is he?! He has ruined everything. And to make it worse DD (6) had D&V so whilst he was getting a blow Job from a teenager I was mopping up sick and shit from the bathroom.

He said it was a one off, just a blow job and not emotional and he doesn’t see it as proper cheating. I think it makes it worse he used some poor girl for just her mouth. I can almost see an emotional affair would’ve been worth the risk of our marriage but not this. He says he deeply regrets it(!)

He’s still in (spare) bed, no doubt won’t remember anything and all I’ve done is cry. I haven’t slept, I’m in the bedroom while the kids watch a film downstairs, sobbing and hoping they don’t see me.

I can’t leave, he’s self employed and hasn’t been doing too well lately financially so we’ve dipped into our savings and they’re gone. I have no family around (he does). I do have a flat I rent out and the tenants are moving out in 3 weeks so I’m going to say he can live there.

I’m utterly heartbroken. He’s ruined everything. I wish this wasn’t happening and I genuinely never ever thought he’d do this to us. And with such a young woman, makes me think he’s just a predatory creep

This is so true.

You may also realise that some friends or family don't treat you very well. Things that you used to ignore because your dh had got you used to bring treated badly.

They may not like it if you refuse to be treated badly anymore. But it's ok to stand up for yourself and it teaches your dc that they deserve to be treated well too.

Sparklyring

I am talking from experience yes. I'm nearly 9 years down the line and its been the best and most interesting 9 years of my life.

I've learnt so much about myself and my life has changed completely.

I'm so excited for the OP. (I know that sounds horrible, but its only because I know how she's going to end up)

How are you doing @wifeofcheater?

@IvanaPee I'm on a generation that paved the way for younger women.
I have my own company and have an education.
I've married for 30 years to a faithful man.
I also understand the realities of women that do not have financial security to leave cheating husbands.
All I know is that people have a choice to work or not at their marriage.
Some people can make it on their own some can't.
And unfortunately there are millions of women still financially vulnerable and dependent of men even in 2019.
I'm not one of them but I recognise some women are in that situation.
You can call me what you want it doesn't offend me or bother me. I have the confidence to accept that you have a lower level of communication skills than me.

All I know is that people have a choice to work or not at their marriage

But you’re laying ALL the choice at the OP’s door. Shouldn’t they BOTH work at it...which, to me, includes one of you not indulging in extra-martial oral sex...

I don’t have a lower level of communication skills, Blue.

I have a higher level of expectation from men.

And a higher sense of respect for myself than you do, clearly. Don’t try to patronize me because you’re old.

The fact is that there are options for women in these situations. Not always easy but they’re there.

Yet you would still still a woman to “get through this” with a man who stuck his penis in a drunk teenager’s mouth.

Your generation might have paved the way (whatever that means) but our generation are still fighting damaging opinions like yours. So if you’re expecting any sort of respect or gratitude for “paving the way” you won’t find it from me.

Every generation paves the way for the next.

BlueJag many of us on here have been put in the situation of being financially dependent on an abusive partner. Often because they've engineered that.

It's absolutely possible to get away and thrive. Even life on benefits for a bit is much better than that.

I know that OPs dp isn't abusive, but saying things like women should stay with their partners....well it makes women in those situations believe that there's no way out. You're not helping. Especially as OP is clear about what she wants to do.

Can we get back to the op?

Stop hijacking the thread......not very sensitive to op x

I'm old. I've always expected men to be as decent as I am. Fidelity isn't some sort of optional extra, it's basic. Only one person has work to do in this marriage, and it isn't the OP.

Just popping in to check on OP and how you're doing, I've been thinking about you last few days, wondering how you're getting on.

Horrified to learn that, actually, he doesn't want to fight for your marriage. He wants to blame you so he is not the bad guy. Not the same thing. Why would you take someone back who so clearly isn't arsed about the relationship, never mind all the rest of it.

@Wrybread I never said she should stay or go. It's her prerogative.
She isn't in an abusive relationship at least that's what I believe. He had a drunken encounter with a 17 year old. Absolutely awful for the OP to be living thru this situation but some people get over worse if they want or can.
An infidelity doesn't mean the end of all relationships. Some people get over it and move on.
What's wrong with exploring the possibilities of maybe working something out before they split?

Stop the bloody bickering ffs

How's it going OP?

How are you going @wifeofcheater?

Through. It's spelt through.

I'm really sorry, OP -- you must be really shocked.

Hi all

Sorry I've been AWOL had a mad few days but thank you for thinking of me it's honestly lifted me up more than I can say.

So, a few developments. Some good some not. Yesterday I met with the school mum solicitor and I have now officially hired her (and at a very reasonable rate). As soon as possible I will be filing for divorce. She's told me what I need to do to get my ducks in a row, keep a record of everything, what I need to prepare etc and has also given some great advice on how to cope in the "now". Whilst he has actually said he would be happy seeing the kids EOW and one night in the week, she expects this to change when the going gets tough and he starts wanting to score points. It's early days but I am feeling very good about the decision.

I am 100% sure that he is not fussed about fighting for me. I am sure this is a good thing but it hurts a lot. Either way we are sitting the children down at the weekend and telling them. He came over to talk on Tuesday but there was really very little to say - he's shockingly unremorseful and thinks I can "get over it" but I'm choosing not to try and is absolutely convinced that I am the one who has ended this marriage and the failure of our marriage is my fault for not trying hard enough.

I have checked what I am entitled to benefits wise and I am pleasantly surprised - I am part time therefore considered a low earner, and I am looking at enough UC to ensure I can keep up mortgage payments and bills. Hoping Ex doesn't screw me with maintenance (everything is still getting paid jointly at the moment).

Perhaps what has been the worst development (and has taken up most of my time these last 2 days) is that a very good friend (who we are "couple friends" with, or we were) completely disagrees with my decision to leave my husband and has fallen out with me over it. She thinks I'm foolish and reckless, that he made a mistake and she can't believe Im being so hasty. She thinks I am having an affair of my own as apparently no one is ever this keen to leave a man so suddenly if there's not another waiting in the shadows I've cried buckets over this, she was a very close friend and will not support my leaving him this, I didn't expect

Oh an I have a sexual health check next week. just in case he has made a habit of things like this.

BTW thanks for the great advice @Isthisnecessary

And for those asking, yes his mum would have him stay forever and she'd enjoy it. It's partly because she's genuinely nice and partly because he's the youngest, her baby etc. I don't know where he's going to live but I'm not worried about him being homeless

Oh- please don’t worry about this ‘friend’. She has clearly shown you both have different values. It’s not a bad thing to have a difference of opinions but to not support someone who you are supposed to care for is horrible (for what it’s worth I agree with you!)
I think you sound boss and I’d be your friend

Wow! His lack of remorse strongly suggests to me this wasn't the first time - which a few of us already suspected unfortunately.

Glad it sounds like you've a good lawyer in your corner.

Forget the fair weather friend, I had a few of those in relation to my divorce for similar reasons. Expect to find out she forgave her husband for similar and regrets doing so and envies your strength. Or is a cheat herself or It's also possible it's selfishness on her part as its disrupted her friendship group. Not your problem or fault.

Sensible to get a sexual health check too. Not pleasant but necessary unfortunately.

Where he lives now also not your problem.

Do be careful not to fall into the trap of telling his mum anything you wouldn't tell him - easily done - she is not your ally, he's her boy and she will prioritise him, possibly even over what's best for her own grandkids - just a heads up.

I struggle to understand his reluctance to absolutely fight for you and your family. ( definitely his loss!)

Why would he be like this?
Is he too proud to admit he is wrong ( my EXH was and actually treated me like I was the adulterer rather than him).
Does he love you?
Is he looking to end your marriage/ has he found someone else?
Or perhaps he is calling your bluff?

Is there anything that he can do which would make you think again? Actually if there isn't 'sorry' isn't going to work and none of the above matters.

Stupid man! Mine came close a couple of times to saying he was sorry, but just not quite close enough and lost us all.

Your "friend" has demonstrated she is nothing of the sort.