My husband cheated on me last night

[WifeOfCheater]

NC’d but a regular poster

Been married 10 years, 2 kids, mortgage and happy marriage where nothing more than a few arguments have happened.

Husband went out to watch football yesterday - a rare occurrence he doesn’t often drink so I knew he’d be three sheets to the wind.

He FaceTimed me at 10.30 pissed as a fart telling me how beautiful I am and that he loves me. Not unusual, he gets soppy when drunk. But then he started telling me about a girl who’d pursued him all night and offered to take him back to hers for a shag. She was 17, two weeks off her 18th birthday apparently. I said why are you telling me this, I hope you told her no, and he stayed quiet and said he was getting a taxi home, and laid it on thick with the “I love you” and compliments.

While I was waiting for him to come home I had a sick feeling and knew something wasn’t right. When he got back I asked him if he did anything with that girl. I fully expected him to say “no of course not” because I didn’t think for a moment he’d cheat on me. But he confessed she gave him a blow job down the side of a furniture shop.

I feel sick. The fact she’s 17 - less than half his age - makes my skin crawl. What kind of man is he?! He has ruined everything. And to make it worse DD (6) had D&V so whilst he was getting a blow Job from a teenager I was mopping up sick and shit from the bathroom.

He said it was a one off, just a blow job and not emotional and he doesn’t see it as proper cheating. I think it makes it worse he used some poor girl for just her mouth. I can almost see an emotional affair would’ve been worth the risk of our marriage but not this. He says he deeply regrets it(!)

He’s still in (spare) bed, no doubt won’t remember anything and all I’ve done is cry. I haven’t slept, I’m in the bedroom while the kids watch a film downstairs, sobbing and hoping they don’t see me.

I can’t leave, he’s self employed and hasn’t been doing too well lately financially so we’ve dipped into our savings and they’re gone. I have no family around (he does). I do have a flat I rent out and the tenants are moving out in 3 weeks so I’m going to say he can live there.

I’m utterly heartbroken. He’s ruined everything. I wish this wasn’t happening and I genuinely never ever thought he’d do this to us. And with such a young woman, makes me think he’s just a predatory creep

@bluejag

You might be able to get over it and forgive but many of us take marriage seriously especially the bit about forsaking all others.

Why on earth would you want to be with someone who thinks it’s ok to have a woman he’s just met perform an intimate sexual act on him?

A man who puts sexually gratification before the respect of his wife and children?

It shows him to be weak, disloyal and lacking in morals.

Why on earth would you want to stay with someone capable of such a low life act?

Let’s not forget if indulges in this kind of behaviour he is also endangering the health of his wife by putting her at risk of STD’s.

There’s no way he would get custody OP, he’s the one that cheated and he doesn’t even have his own place. Don’t worry about that or let it hold you back x keep a note of everything that is going on and keep evidence of conversations etc, he is an absolute prick

Sad to see another of the 'stay together at all costs' brigade pop up. You are worth more than this, OP. Stand strong.

He won’t be allowed to stay at mum’s indefinitely.

He might. When I was internet dating some years ago I was horrified at the number of men in their 40s/50s who were living back with parents long-term after a marriage breakdown. They take the easy option and frequently, Mother Dear enjoys fussing over her poor boy. 🙄

I'm not making excuses for him

That’s precisely what you’re doing. ☹️

@BlueJag

I've been married almost 40 years and I can tell you that if my DC did this, there would be no 'getting over' because our marriage would BE over.

Well done, OP, for recognising that you are worth so much more than this.

@FiremanKing I'm not endorsing or tolerating anything. I just think it's up to the OP what she would like to do in the future.
Some marriages survive affairs and all kinds of stuff.
I can't advice her what to do because I don't know what I would do myself if I were in her situation.
I just know that there are two choices end the marriage or work at it. Up to her.

@IvanaPee is that what you think I said???? Really? God help me that's not what I said.

I think in this situation it is tempting to stay together for the kids but this would mean that he knows what he can get away with and would continue to cheat in the future just like OPs mum. Well done OP on showing your worth. Hope it gets easier for you soon.

I just know that there are two choices end the marriage or work at it. Up to her. - In fact, it takes 2 to 'work at' the marriage. It's not all down to the woman, you know. HE also needs to works at it; stage one is not sticking his dick into any orifices belonging to another woman.

I find it quite scary that lots of women seem to think it's down to the woman to save the marriage, to work at it, to 'not break up the family' when the bloke can just cry a bit, and be forgiven. And the woman takes on the rest of the load.

Fuck that shit. Stage ONE!

Spot on plumbi

and I know you can get over this. Very difficult but he was a drunk idiot. I'm not making excuses for him but it shouldn't break you. I hope it doesn't.

@BlueJag you didn’t hope they worked it out? Those are your words right there ^

All this work on your marriage bollox would sit better with me if

A) HE did any work and

B) he hadn’t had his cock in a teenager’s mouth.

Nobody can blame the girl,and nobody can say he was a victim.

He choose to do it,hence why he told her because he felt guilty for HIS actions

If it was a moment of madness and he'd told her because he was horrified. If he was wracked with guilt and had to tell her then he'd be acting very differently now.

He'd be apologizing constantly, groveling and truly contrite. Then there might be a marriage to work on. But he's done none of those things.

I think those encouraging OP to work on her marriage should consider all the circumstances.

@IvanaPee what do you want me to say leave him regarles? Leave him even if it creates hardship for you and your kids?
Absolutely not. It's very easy to say leave him when you or any of us aren't going to go thru the breakup.
Are you going to take the OP in and look after her after she leaves him? Absolutely Not.

Are you going to take the OP in and look after her after she leaves him?

She's not going to be an orphan

I'm not sure if you've read the updates but her DH isn't even making much of an effort to fight for their marriage eventhough he's the one who cheated, so do you think the OP should go running after him when she's been the victim in all of this?

You're very strong op
Don't take him back

No, I’m not going to “take her in” because she’s an adult with access to benefits, and will be due maintenance, and she has legal access to marital assets.

I’m sure you’re from a generation when women were forced to put up and shut up. Thankfully, society has moved on.

And no matter how difficult things may be at times, women are not forced to stay with men who stick their cocks into the mouths of teenagers down alleyways.

Your posts are misogynistic, offensive to anyone with a modicum of self-worth, and outdated.

Thankfully you’re in the minority.

OP,

There are two threads that made me feel I had to sign up and comment on, this thread is one of them.

You are bloody amazing!

I can promise you this. The shock will be wearing off by now and you'll begin to feel tired, a little angry and just plain sick of it all...and want it over with. To go back how things were.

Don't.

Mourn for your loss, your relationship, the future you thought you had but please try not to forget that this is just a horrible messy way to a fresh start.

The angry moments are brilliant! Grab them and turn them into something productive, you'll move mountains in those days. Seriously, they really are great.

Don't hide your emotions, if you want to cry then do so. None of this ,need to stay strong crap, you'll make yourself ill.

On a practical level, please listen to this, learn from my experience with a shit show like this....

Keep a stock of paracetamol, Calpol and ibuprofen, toilet roll, uht milk and bread in the freezer AT ALL TIMES. You will be forever grateful they're there when you need them. Add pizza or brand, then that's two emergency meals when you're ill and have to feed the kids but there's no food in.

For further down the road:
Buy a drill and DIY book. YouTube is also very useful when fixing things and DIY. Don't be scared, just do it and you'll feel like you've discovered fire!

Ignore EVERYONE'S comments and gossip. It will blow over soon enough.

And I can't stress this enough...

No matter how you feel, how hopeless it all is, what people are saying.....

The kids will be fine. They will be absolutely fine. They will be happy and well adjusted, they will see your ex for what he is and his actions soon enough, they will make up their own minds about him without anyone elses input.

You'll make sure they are happy, fed, clothed and everything else.

There will be shit days, really shit days but great days too.

And you will come out of this a better, tougher, more determined, happier, healthier and more ambitious person.

Please believe me, eventually, you will see this as the best thing that's ever happened to you.

I know, I wanted to hit people when they said that to me too, but it is true.

Pizza or Beans*

Omg @Isthisnecessary that is just THE best advice! Been there too.
There's actually a huge feeling of relief of not having to consult anyone and just being spontaneous with your kids. There are NO rules.
Tell yourself everyday that YOU are fabulous! xx

Brilliant post!

Oh, one more thing.

You'll find you will stand up for yourself more than you do now.

Be warned...people won't like it.

Be advised...fuck 'em and carry on.

Now, dust yourself off. Take care of yourself. Look after your health, the kids only have you to rely on. You will be their constant. They will take things out on you and it will hurt, but it will also pass.
Just give it time and patience.
Give yourself time and patience.

What @Isthisnecessary said. It's absolutely true.

@Isthisnecessary This is fantastic advice!! Sounds like you're speaking from experience, if so I hope you're out the other side.