My husband cheated on me last night

[WifeOfCheater]

NC’d but a regular poster

Been married 10 years, 2 kids, mortgage and happy marriage where nothing more than a few arguments have happened.

Husband went out to watch football yesterday - a rare occurrence he doesn’t often drink so I knew he’d be three sheets to the wind.

He FaceTimed me at 10.30 pissed as a fart telling me how beautiful I am and that he loves me. Not unusual, he gets soppy when drunk. But then he started telling me about a girl who’d pursued him all night and offered to take him back to hers for a shag. She was 17, two weeks off her 18th birthday apparently. I said why are you telling me this, I hope you told her no, and he stayed quiet and said he was getting a taxi home, and laid it on thick with the “I love you” and compliments.

While I was waiting for him to come home I had a sick feeling and knew something wasn’t right. When he got back I asked him if he did anything with that girl. I fully expected him to say “no of course not” because I didn’t think for a moment he’d cheat on me. But he confessed she gave him a blow job down the side of a furniture shop.

I feel sick. The fact she’s 17 - less than half his age - makes my skin crawl. What kind of man is he?! He has ruined everything. And to make it worse DD (6) had D&V so whilst he was getting a blow Job from a teenager I was mopping up sick and shit from the bathroom.

He said it was a one off, just a blow job and not emotional and he doesn’t see it as proper cheating. I think it makes it worse he used some poor girl for just her mouth. I can almost see an emotional affair would’ve been worth the risk of our marriage but not this. He says he deeply regrets it(!)

He’s still in (spare) bed, no doubt won’t remember anything and all I’ve done is cry. I haven’t slept, I’m in the bedroom while the kids watch a film downstairs, sobbing and hoping they don’t see me.

I can’t leave, he’s self employed and hasn’t been doing too well lately financially so we’ve dipped into our savings and they’re gone. I have no family around (he does). I do have a flat I rent out and the tenants are moving out in 3 weeks so I’m going to say he can live there.

I’m utterly heartbroken. He’s ruined everything. I wish this wasn’t happening and I genuinely never ever thought he’d do this to us. And with such a young woman, makes me think he’s just a predatory creep

@WifeOfCheater you are doing incredibly well and have realistic expectations of the future. No matter how shitty things get nothing will feel as painful as this last week-I promise you.
Hope you're over the D&V now xxx

How are you feeling this morning @WifeOfCheater?

I'm ok thanks @VelociraptorRex feeling better today. Met a friend for lunch and had an absolute scream with her then got my babies back this evening. Ex has now taken all his belongings to his mums including one of our TV's that the kids usually watch but TBH I'm not kicking up a fuss about this, we can live with just the one TV in the house!

I went to pick them up from MIL's, she was very sweet and gave me a big cuddle and said she's here if I need anything. Waiting for the other shoe to drop on that one mind 😬

Solicitor chats next week. Yay

It really does sound like he'd checked out op.

It's obviously a dreadful shock but at least you haven't gone through years of lying and being gaslighted. That's soul destroying.

Crappy comfort I know but take it where you can find it!

You're right sheet, when I see him I want to run and cuddle him 😢 it's a natural instinct, until I remember what he did and I want to punch him.

I suspect he's calling my bluff, he was very quiet, he didn't say "I'm taking the downstairs TV" he just started unscrewing it from the wall. As if I thought the concept of no downstairs TV was almost too much to bear and I'd let him back in 🙄 I offered to help him take it to the car. He wanted to collect his stuff when the kids weren't there to save the trauma, fair enough so they stayed with MIL, but I purposefully told him to come 15 minutes before I was setting off to see my friend so there was no opportunity to talk to me.

As dumb as this sounds...the thought that he actually doesn't want to be with me, and that he told me of his infidelity on purpose to ensure I did the dumping, is too painful to bear

But I suspect that may be the case I don't want him now after this but I don't want him to not want me...if that makes sense

It does make sense.

And sadly, it also sounds like he really doesn’t want to be in it any more.

Absolute, absolute fucker.

Yeah that makes total sense 😔. Don't get too hung up on that.
You said you had a happy marriage up to that point so might not be the case. Could all be calling your bluff...or he's actually respectful (I know does seem doubtful😳!) of your decision and knows you won't back down?!!
I'm sure in a few months/years when you've moved on and are happy again that he will definitely want you and realise what an idiot he's been. Keep being strong 👍🏼

It does make sense.

But I get the feeling he takes your love for granted and thinks you’ll come running.

How are the kids taking it?

Oh god I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel worse. His lack of jumping in front of a speeding car to get this back on track must be so upsetting. For whatever reason.

My DH left his first wife for me and it was scary to see him go cold on her during the divorce. Before anyone calls me a home wrecker, their marriage was a sham and he was going to leave her anyway. She'd neglected to tell him when marrying him that she had no intention of ever having sex or children!

Trixie I've been a bit of a chicken and told them daddy is staying with granny for a while to help her out round the house but they can visit. They ask every day when is he coming back not great to lie to them I know but I can't even begin to imagine how I broach it with them

Could you both bring yourselves to do it together? He owes you that much

There are lots of children's books about divorce you could maybe use to open the conversation?

He's probably acting like he don't care because he's sulking and he thinks by him being cold to you he has the power and you will think 'ooh' and start being needy and try to get his attention in some sort of way, he's probably trying to turn it round and have the control but you just remain strong and he will soon cave and realise what a dick he is. It is such a pain but try and put in for universal credits soon because there is a 6 week wait before payment if you are entitled to anything so try to get the ball rolling, I know it's hard when you have enough going on!

Sorry to hear how he's behaving towards you wife but atleast because of that there will be no confusion about whether or not you're doing the right thing. Not only is he a cheater but he's not even that sorry, huh?

He seems to be running true to form with his minimising behaviour. And history states you'll get over it if he ignores the situation.
In your situation I think I'd do the same, he doesn't seem bothered about his behaviour so there's no guarantee he won't do the same again and there's no trust.
I think I'd have to agree to tell the children soon, he won't be happy but they'd deserve the truth.

I wonder is your MIL/other people telling him to let you calm down and it will blow over?

I was wondering that too @arya

He won’t be allowed to stay at mum’s indefinitely.

As an aside, there is no way one of my sons would be bringing their washing and big tv to hunker down back at home after being fellated by a seventeen year old child and smashing up their family in the process. I would need restraining!

Very sorry @Wife. You and your children deserve for more. He is a tragic wretch.

I've been married 30 years and I know you can get over this. Very difficult but he was a drunk idiot. I'm not making excuses for him but it shouldn't break you. I hope it doesn't.
Have a long think about what you want to do but I personally think you may be able to survive this.

People can survive everything but death.

It doesn't mean they want to, or indeed should.

@BlueJag a drunk idiot who let a borderline child suck him off and he doesn't even appear to be that sorry/bothered about winning the OP back anyway...even if she wanted to

I've been married 30 years and I know you can get over this. Very difficult but he was a drunk idiot. I'm not making excuses for him but it shouldn't break you. I hope it doesn't.
Have a long think about what you want to do but I personally think you may be able to survive this

The OP might not want to “survive” this.

@BlueJag why on earth would you hope that two absolute strangers stay together?

Talk about over-invested!