Lying child at the end of my tether

[PeachPrincess]

I’ve been really good friends with one of the school mums since our girls started at nursery together. Our DDs are now 10.

I was worried about the mum for years as she was in a very controlling relationship with her husband that got worse and worse as the years went on. She finally ended the relationship last year.

Financially she’s been really struggling she works full time but has a low paid job he doesn’t pay maintenance. Every day since September I’ve been collecting her DD from school and looking after her for 1.5/ 2 hours until her mum gets back from work. The arrangement in itself is fine and I’m happy to help her out as she is a good friend.

I’ve been doing the after school collections for just over 7 months and I don’t think I can’t continue with it due this girls constant lies that are usually aimed at me.

Some recent examples are we went to a ice cream shop and we all had one but I wouldn’t allow her DD to have one. DDs new Guinea pig bit this girl, we apparently all made pizza from scratch but I didn’t allow her any and made her watch whilst we ate them.

Each time this girl tells her mum these lies she confronts me every single time believing her. The ice cream example mum had given me money for her DDs and then asked for the money back, luckily I’d taken a photo of the girls with there impressive ice creams. The mums response was she “must of forgot”. The Guinea pig lie I was called out on, we hadn’t actually got it yet. DD had said to the girl she was getting one. The mum messaged about being bitten and I said she was welcome to check the empty hutch the next day, she did and the response was “don’t know where her DD got that from then” I was also called out on the pizza example, I had bought pizza for our tea from the supermarket it was on the kitchen counter we hadn’t made them or eaten them so I sent her a photo of them on the side. Her DD “ must have been mistaken” it’s all the time and im sick of being constantly questioned/ accused of these things I never get a apology it’s just brushed off.

She’s constantly telling lies in front of me to her mum silly things like “it’s dress up day tomorrow” “I let my dd have a snack / drink but not her” every single time I pull her up on it in front of the mum and it’s brushed off and a excuse made for it.

Thursday I mentioned to both girls I needed to go into school and check if after school club was on for yesterday as the school had said it may need to be cancelled and we would be informed either way. The girl assured me it was on, DD said the teacher had said something about the club but she was chatting so didn’t hear what was said. Why I trusted her I don’t know, I get a call from school to say I hadn’t collected them. I got to school and questioned why we weren’t told, apparently the kids were told club was canceled on Thursday. I asked the girl why she had lied to me and she shrugged and said “i thought it would be funny” her grandparents picked her up and are having her overnight so I’m now waiting for a message from her mum for no doubt forgetting to collect them or some other tale.

I can’t continue this arrangement anymore as I cannot put up with the hassle of it. Am I right feeling this way? It’s caused a few arguments between me and DH as he has been saying for months to knock this on the head as he’s worried Incase she makes up some serious lies that we can’t prove.

How much notice do you think I should give? Also should I be honest with the mum about my reasoning? I’ve wimped out of a few situations in the past with her.

This behaviour is unacceptable and it seems that her mum doesn't want to tackle it. You need to have a frank conversation with the mum to say you will not be treated like this anymore so she will have to make alternative arrangements. Maybe give her 2 weeks to sort out something else?

You are doing a really amazing thing for this women and to be honest I'm questioning how's she's had the balls to even question you even if she believes her daughter.

You say Mam was in a really controlling relationship daughter has clearly been affected in regards to this, hence the lying.

I'd have a chat with the mam, tell her how you're feeling and that if you continue to feel this way you will need to end the agreement to help her.

Whatever happens you need to give her a months notice x

Because this is not a formal arrangement, and you are not being paid, then you don't have to give the usual length of notice. I would just give a week. Just say it has become difficult, or that your hours at work have changed and you can't commit any longer. Something like that. She'll know why, but it just keeps everything pleasant.

Good luck - you absolutely must end this arrangement - very unpleasant and stressful for you.

It seems like the girl has taken her parents split badly and wants attention from her mum. She is painting you as the bad guy as she feels palmed off to you whilst her mother is at work.

Her mother probably realises this which is why she is handling it badly and not helping her daughter understand that she is very much loved but mummy has to be at work until such and such a time.

You need to have a proper chat with your friend about this and either she comes on board or she doesn’t get the free childcare anymore.

I'm with your DH on this, I'd be very worried what future lies she may come out with and the potential for them to be very damaging. You need to end this arrangement and be honest with the mum as to why. It sounds like the girl has some issues that need addressing.

What Fireman said! Very insightful.

I'd tell the Mum honestly why you are stopping and stop straight away. I don't think the issue is really what the girl is doing (she's obviously been very affected by the situation she had grown up in) but the problem is how the Mum is dealing with it. You're doing her a favour yet she is constantly accusing you of mistreating her child. It's ridiculous and I'd be very angry.

I am with your dh.

I would tell friend that it seems to you that her dd would probably be happier with someone else picking her up so can she make new arrangements after half term (assuming the kids are on half term in last week of May). She will try and say that’s not the case but don’t shift and have your dh there in the background if you need the backbone support.

This behaviour needs tackling as she could say something very sinister and cause you a lot more trouble!
There could be an underlying reason why she is behaving in this way; maybe behaviour she has copied from her dad? Either way, you can't be responsible for that! Good luck x

Her mum sounds ridiculous! She is ok for you to give her free childcare so that she can work...you are effectively parenting her daughter every day term time for a couple of hours at least, she is being well looked after and you've been doing this for 7 months!
And yet the mum has no issue with pulling you up on ridiculous nonsense whenever it happens!!??? And you've been friends for 10 years! She should be talking to her child about her unacceptable behaviour and presenting a united front with you! The child knows you're being questioned and accused by her mum, trust me! This gives the child power over you. It needs to stop.

Do not entertain her ridiculous accusations anymore, if the mother questions something, respond with minimal words and please stop justifying yourself with photographic evidence. You have no need to.

Kids can be silly, it's the CF of her mum that really annoys me! I'm also with your DH, cancel this arrangement, tell her you can no longer help after May half term and be truthful in your reasons why.

I pay £140 a week for 2 hours of after school care for my 2 children, if you were my friend I would never treat you like this and would cherish and love you for being so kind to me and my family. Raise your standards!
Good luck.

She's obviously doing it for attention/because she feels sidelined, which means unless it's addressed and she's reassured it's quite likely to blossom into something much more dramatic and manipulative as she gets into her teens and both the feelings exacerbate (because hormones/ongoing situation) and her capacity for manipulation becomes much more sophisticated.

But yes, not really your problem, and if your friend isn't going to deal with it I'd probably try to get uninvolved before that happens. Sad situation, but nothing you can do from your end.

I also disagree that every lying child needs to be 'understood' due to underlying issues. Yes, for a minority this is the case. For the majority it is simply that they are being parented ineffectively, are aware that they can control a grown up and they're simply nasty little kids that do it just because they can and they know they'll get away with it.

She is not your problem, you have more than helped. Regardless of our background we are all responsible for our children and while I empathise that your friend has had as difficult relationship, this is now affecting your family and home.

Ask yourself this, if the roles were reversed, would your friend do the same for you? No to mention what your daughter is being exposed to in her own home. It can't be nice for her seeing her mum accused of nastiness so often.

Put a stop to it and cancel now.

Be honest with her. Her daughter told you a lie which not only meant her child, but your child as well, were late being picked up from school.

Don't wait for her to accuse you of something terrible.

Kids lie. But that dm is ridiculous. I wouldn't give up because of the DC lying but l would give up because of her stupid mother believing her everytime. Either she trusts you or she doesn't. Make sure she knows that it's her behaviour that is the problem. Cheek of her questioning you ever time.
Her child has issues but that's not your responsibility. You taking care of her was probably the best thing happening to her.
But her dm is daft so end the arrangement now. And l repeat..let her know it her not the child that's the issue.

junebirthdaygirl has hit the nail on the head - the girl’s lying is one thing, but you’d be able to manage it if only her mother dealt with it better. While of course every parent wants to believe their own kids in the first instance, she isn’t even tackling it when given proof of the lise. I’d end the arrangement, because it sounds like it’s only giving you grief.

*proof of the LIES

I saw on mumsnet once a child had said a friend's dad had hit her in front of the house, they had CCTV but without it they would have been in so much trouble as the mum believed the child even though they were a compulsive liar! Please do not let this girl in your house again

Yeah, protect yourself, OP. Tell the mum you can't do it anymore because of the lying. Do it by text if you have to.

Would you like to stop, it depends how you handle it to me.
If you've had enough you could say it's not working out etc
Or if you'd like to carry on if she stops lying then you'd have to be more truthful to get to the bottom of it.

Oh OP. I had a friend like this and it was as damaging for my DD as it was for me.

In my case it ended up with the DD telling her mum I'd shoved her off a sofa. After years of friendship, the mum rounded on me, in public, without a second's thought. I snapped that day. We haven't been friends since and I'm sad about the way it happened but I'm not sad about anything else. Good luck.

I’m with your Dh.

Dd2 got accused of something really bad by her friend and her mum was fuming. Luckily it was in school time and the teachers proved it simply could not of ever happened.

She is not allowed round any more and dd isn’t allowed to go over there.

Just be honest with the mum

The mother is indulging the child’s lies perhaps because she has a sense of misplaced guilt over the split and not being there for her a couple of hours after school.

She is doing her best to provide for her child but sadly is enabling her child to behave badly. It’s not easy being a parent under those circumstances because you don’t want to see them unhappy but she’s doing the child no favours by being her ‘friend’ and siding with her lies.

She needs to address her child’s insecurities and make it clear that lies are unacceptable.

Until she does that then the child will play up to everyone she is left with.

You can gently tell your friend this and hope she understands but it’s most likely she will take umbrage and you will fall out.

You cannot allow yourself to be lied about as the child is old enough to be taken seriously if she escalates her lies about your treatment of her.

The mum might be trying to tackle it, but not succeeding. Her messages suggest she's not but she could be directly with her daughter. However I'm inclined to think she's likely not considering she always trusts what her daughter is saying.

This isn't fair on you at all. It sounds to me like daughter is attention seeking and mum is struggling. If it were me I'd have a frank conversation and just say that it's getting a bit too much and that you're finding it difficult with all of the accusations. However it's not an easy approach that many would take and it could cause some bad feeling. It'll either give her the shove that she needs or she'll distance herself from you.

You need to stop it and tell her why.

Interestingly i know a child like this and her mum will always just shrug when called out and say "well that's what she told me" or "I don't know why she said it then" She'll never actually admit DD has made it up and those comments indicate she still believes her DD in some way.

Her teens are now seriously fecked up with loads of issues. They don't get what the rest of us learn to understand - that there's 3 sides to every story! They think they are always totally innocent even when guilty

The good news is you seem to be confident and assertive which will be useful here!

But I'd just tell her that you are not prepared for her DD to keep making up lies and to put yourself in a position that someday she could make up something serious.

Well I think she’s doing it for attention and she’s got something going on from her parents marriage bothering her so I’m sympathetic up to a point. Trouble is while these lies are irritating and annoying she may well make up something much more serious.
Serious talk with the mum and tell her I’d it carries on you help out any longer.