Lying child at the end of my tether

[PeachPrincess]

I’ve been really good friends with one of the school mums since our girls started at nursery together. Our DDs are now 10.

I was worried about the mum for years as she was in a very controlling relationship with her husband that got worse and worse as the years went on. She finally ended the relationship last year.

Financially she’s been really struggling she works full time but has a low paid job he doesn’t pay maintenance. Every day since September I’ve been collecting her DD from school and looking after her for 1.5/ 2 hours until her mum gets back from work. The arrangement in itself is fine and I’m happy to help her out as she is a good friend.

I’ve been doing the after school collections for just over 7 months and I don’t think I can’t continue with it due this girls constant lies that are usually aimed at me.

Some recent examples are we went to a ice cream shop and we all had one but I wouldn’t allow her DD to have one. DDs new Guinea pig bit this girl, we apparently all made pizza from scratch but I didn’t allow her any and made her watch whilst we ate them.

Each time this girl tells her mum these lies she confronts me every single time believing her. The ice cream example mum had given me money for her DDs and then asked for the money back, luckily I’d taken a photo of the girls with there impressive ice creams. The mums response was she “must of forgot”. The Guinea pig lie I was called out on, we hadn’t actually got it yet. DD had said to the girl she was getting one. The mum messaged about being bitten and I said she was welcome to check the empty hutch the next day, she did and the response was “don’t know where her DD got that from then” I was also called out on the pizza example, I had bought pizza for our tea from the supermarket it was on the kitchen counter we hadn’t made them or eaten them so I sent her a photo of them on the side. Her DD “ must have been mistaken” it’s all the time and im sick of being constantly questioned/ accused of these things I never get a apology it’s just brushed off.

She’s constantly telling lies in front of me to her mum silly things like “it’s dress up day tomorrow” “I let my dd have a snack / drink but not her” every single time I pull her up on it in front of the mum and it’s brushed off and a excuse made for it.

Thursday I mentioned to both girls I needed to go into school and check if after school club was on for yesterday as the school had said it may need to be cancelled and we would be informed either way. The girl assured me it was on, DD said the teacher had said something about the club but she was chatting so didn’t hear what was said. Why I trusted her I don’t know, I get a call from school to say I hadn’t collected them. I got to school and questioned why we weren’t told, apparently the kids were told club was canceled on Thursday. I asked the girl why she had lied to me and she shrugged and said “i thought it would be funny” her grandparents picked her up and are having her overnight so I’m now waiting for a message from her mum for no doubt forgetting to collect them or some other tale.

I can’t continue this arrangement anymore as I cannot put up with the hassle of it. Am I right feeling this way? It’s caused a few arguments between me and DH as he has been saying for months to knock this on the head as he’s worried Incase she makes up some serious lies that we can’t prove.

How much notice do you think I should give? Also should I be honest with the mum about my reasoning? I’ve wimped out of a few situations in the past with her.

I agree with the rest of the posters here - it would be entirely reasonable of you to stop this arrangement. You have been more than supportive towards your friend, and very forgiving of the lies and your friend’s useless response to them.

I would be horrified if one of my children had behaved like this, and would have dealt with it firmly - though I can understand why her circumstances may well have coloured her reactions.

I’d say, “look, if you really think I’d make your dd sit and watch us eat pizza and give her nothing then you obviously don’t trust us to look after her properly. Maybe it’s time to find someone else to have her after school”.

I think @Angharad07 has a great response I'd also end it ASAP

Angharad07 has a great response!

I’d end it immediately.

There’s a danger that this girl, knowing the arrangement is coming to an end, might eve ramp up the lies to go out with a bang!

“Hi X, I’m not going to continue to pick up your DD and look after her after school. Her lying, and your challenging me, has become intolerable and so I’m ending our arrangement with immediate effect”.

Short, to the point, no apologies.

I wouldn't go with Angharad07's idea because she can argue it. 'Oh no I do trust you, its just you know what kids are like'. And dont mention anything about more serious allegations. But i would def tell her why.

I need to let you know that I'm not going to be able to look after any longer, due to the constant lying and accusations being levelled at me and my family. You'll need to make alternative arrangements with immediate effect.

You don't need to give her any notice. You are doing her a favour. Text her that you can't have her daughter anymore because of the lies tell her you are concerned that they are purposeful and that she seems to want to get people into trouble and that you won't put yourself or your family in that position anymore. You could ring her but at least if you text you have proof of what has been said.

Mississippilessly I'm sure she would argue back, but OP would then be able to say that her persistent challenging of OP in response to these lies proves she doesn't trust her and that because of that she is uncomfortable continuing the arrangement.

I'd go with ControversialFerret's post.
You need to stop this now.
What if she accused you or your dh of something like physical or sexual abuse ?
You are getting no support from the child's mother.
Your lives could be made hell.
So the minding stops and tell her why -
Her child lies and her mother believes her completely.

Agreed. But rather than saying'you clearly dont trust me enough- which is a statement the lady could contest (clearly wrongly, but still) if you just say 'I'm.not doing it anymore as I am tired of having to defend myself'that isnt a statement that invites a response IYSWIM.

Mississippilessly actually I see your point and think your response is spot on.

I went with the original one because it took responsibility away from the child, because it could be interpreted (especially by a mother who is so invested in believing her deceitful child) as an attack. But your response also doesn't attack the child and doesn't invite a response or a defence.

I think your DH is absolutely right. I would stop this arrangement with immediate effect.

OP - I think try to view this as you standing up for your whole family rather than thinking about the awkwardness of a fallout with the mum.

Imagine if she accused your daughter of something awful? Or your husband?

You're also helping the mum as she needs to get to the root cause of the lying issue and it sounds like she has her head in the sand at the moment - understandable but not your cross to bear.

In addition you're helping the daughter as she will now need to be helped with her compulsive lying - there must be a reason she is doing it and I feel sad for her but you must prioritise your family.

It's a shit situation all round and I'm sorry you're in it, especially as you were doing a lovely thing, but as I say if you have a wobble when speaking to her and nearly back down / retract, imagine being called into school / SS to address a complaint her child has made against someone in your family.

It’s caused a few arguments between me and DH

I'm not surprised. For seven months, five days a week, your husband is forced into close proximity with a liar he fears will make a serious allegation against him, which you know the child's mother will take at face value. In his own home! In his shoes I'd be staying out of the house while she was there, but the guinea pig incident shows she's willing to lie about being injured by something which wasn't even in the house.

I know you're trying to help your friend, but there are lots of threads here about women who don't feel supported or listened to by their partners. You're doing the same thing.

End it now, before you find your family subject to a social services investigation.

This would annoy me royally.
You have an out. A reason to stop. You need to explain why to the mum. You cannot keep getting accused of things and worried what else she will say in future. It also doesn't help that the mum also constantly undermines you and needs proof. Surely she must understand this. She can pay for after school club instead.

How long before she makes a lie about your husband that could destroy his life?

You need to message her now and say that as she has failed to parent her child you will no longer have anything to do with them.

I would have ended the favour after the first time the mum didn't address the lying properly. You have the patience of a saint!

I think you should consider why the mum is entertaining this nonsense. The stories are so ridiculous that the mum shouldn't have believed them, certainly not after tale after tale. It's clearly not going to stop, and it'll probably escalate. Do you think the mum may resent you at the moment? Maybe she thinks you owe her/ life's not fair / you don't deserve the nice life you have.
Honestly, if you've really been good friends for the last ten years then why is the mum behaving like this? I really think you should protect your family by ending this today. It must be awful for the whole household, it certainly can't be relaxing. Don't get caught up with her other options - she'll have to find an alternative. I really think that if you give notice, you're in danger of malicious lies being spread over the next days or weeks.

Thanks for all the advice and posts. I’m going to reread them all and pick one and message her and let her know the score.

Will definitely mention yesterday’s incident and DH wants me to not pussyfoot around giving excuses but tell it to her straight the reason why.

I’m just unsure what notice to give, her parents the girls grandparents live very close to the school we walk past there house everyday from school but they rarely have her. They see mum and the girl lots and have holidays away together at the grandparents expense but they won’t babysit unless it’s a emergency. It’s a strange set up but they are family and I’m not.

Yes the Mum was 100% in a controlling relationship I saw it with my own eyes. If she was late back from school pickup he would walk down to see where she was then would accuse her of cheating on her. He used to check up on her constantly. He also used to collect her from work so she couldn’t go out with colleagues after work. He was a very controlling man.

They see mum and the girl lots and have holidays away together at the grandparents expense but they won’t babysit unless it’s a emergency. It’s a strange set up but they are family and I’m not.

there may be a reason why they wont have her alone. perhaps shes told lies about them that your friend has never told you.

You give her no notice at all - she is taking the piss. She has family available to help out; she needs to lean into them.

None. You give no notice. You are not her employee. You were doing her an amazingly kind favour and her and her demon spawn screwed it up.

X-post with DelusionalDog - yes that's a possibility. And if that is the reason why then your friend needs to have a careful think about why people don't want to spend time with her child. By allowing this behaviour to go unchecked she is not doing her daughter any favours.

Given the update about her grandparents living right there - I also think no notice needed.