Lying child at the end of my tether

[PeachPrincess]

I’ve been really good friends with one of the school mums since our girls started at nursery together. Our DDs are now 10.

I was worried about the mum for years as she was in a very controlling relationship with her husband that got worse and worse as the years went on. She finally ended the relationship last year.

Financially she’s been really struggling she works full time but has a low paid job he doesn’t pay maintenance. Every day since September I’ve been collecting her DD from school and looking after her for 1.5/ 2 hours until her mum gets back from work. The arrangement in itself is fine and I’m happy to help her out as she is a good friend.

I’ve been doing the after school collections for just over 7 months and I don’t think I can’t continue with it due this girls constant lies that are usually aimed at me.

Some recent examples are we went to a ice cream shop and we all had one but I wouldn’t allow her DD to have one. DDs new Guinea pig bit this girl, we apparently all made pizza from scratch but I didn’t allow her any and made her watch whilst we ate them.

Each time this girl tells her mum these lies she confronts me every single time believing her. The ice cream example mum had given me money for her DDs and then asked for the money back, luckily I’d taken a photo of the girls with there impressive ice creams. The mums response was she “must of forgot”. The Guinea pig lie I was called out on, we hadn’t actually got it yet. DD had said to the girl she was getting one. The mum messaged about being bitten and I said she was welcome to check the empty hutch the next day, she did and the response was “don’t know where her DD got that from then” I was also called out on the pizza example, I had bought pizza for our tea from the supermarket it was on the kitchen counter we hadn’t made them or eaten them so I sent her a photo of them on the side. Her DD “ must have been mistaken” it’s all the time and im sick of being constantly questioned/ accused of these things I never get a apology it’s just brushed off.

She’s constantly telling lies in front of me to her mum silly things like “it’s dress up day tomorrow” “I let my dd have a snack / drink but not her” every single time I pull her up on it in front of the mum and it’s brushed off and a excuse made for it.

Thursday I mentioned to both girls I needed to go into school and check if after school club was on for yesterday as the school had said it may need to be cancelled and we would be informed either way. The girl assured me it was on, DD said the teacher had said something about the club but she was chatting so didn’t hear what was said. Why I trusted her I don’t know, I get a call from school to say I hadn’t collected them. I got to school and questioned why we weren’t told, apparently the kids were told club was canceled on Thursday. I asked the girl why she had lied to me and she shrugged and said “i thought it would be funny” her grandparents picked her up and are having her overnight so I’m now waiting for a message from her mum for no doubt forgetting to collect them or some other tale.

I can’t continue this arrangement anymore as I cannot put up with the hassle of it. Am I right feeling this way? It’s caused a few arguments between me and DH as he has been saying for months to knock this on the head as he’s worried Incase she makes up some serious lies that we can’t prove.

How much notice do you think I should give? Also should I be honest with the mum about my reasoning? I’ve wimped out of a few situations in the past with her.

I think you should do exactly what you've done here and list out the reasons. I presume the problem isn't really the child lying but the mother's response. I would be quite firm and say it's not fair on you that she assumes you would do those horrible things and also that you then don't get an apology - from herself and the child.

I really think if my DD said my best friend didn't give her an ice cream and everyone else got one I'd be furious at my DD. You're doing her a huge favour and she's being incredibly disrespectful.

After half term would be the perfect opportunity to end the arrangement as we are away for 2 weeks Friend is award of our holiday plans as she has found alternative arrangements with her parents.

It’s not a easy conversation to have. My friend comes across as a walkover but as soon as it involves her child she becomes very defensive and is always in school complaining about every little thing.

I am certain the arrangement does need to end as I said it’s caused issues with my DH he absolutely hates the fact we are doing something nice and have to basically watch our backs constantly and be on guard for what tales will be spun next. It’s not really about the lies it’s the way my friend handled it and basically accuses us.

Send her a text now.

@FiremanKing is spot on here.

The lying girl is doing so not because she has anything against you OP, but because she's witnessed her parents split and she's finding it hard to deal with.

When my parents divorced I did some weird stuff. I lied alot (mainly to my school peers) and I pretended to be ill quite alot. We had frequent trips to A&E. I look back on it with puzzlement/embarassment really but I also understand I did it because I wanted attention from my mum/anyone. Things were pretty awful at home even after my parents split.
Child psychology- weird huh?

As sad as that situation obviously is for that little girl, you shouldn't have to put up with being the source of her attention grabbing.

I think it would be best to have a word with her mum. Explain that after those incidences that it's just too risky. You don't know what she could accuse you of next and it could cause some very big trouble. Reassure her that you know it's not personal and she's most likely doing it as a reaction to what has happened between her father and mother. But that you shouldn't have to put up with it.

Ah sorry just seen your update...

It's understandable it's more about your friends actions.
Definitely time to end it.

You should say that to her. She needs to know why this is ending. Say very clearly "We've been helping you out which we are more than happy to do. But it feels like a slap in the face when you turn around and accuse us of whatever your child tells you. Multiple times you've done it and on all occasions, we have proved that wasnt that case. It's not even about that. It's about how you treat us despite us helping you out, and that is not what friends do."

Words to that effect maybe?

The thing is that if you talk it through with the mum and she warns her daughter, the daughter will continue to lie, her mum will continue to believe her, but you won't be told. Then I think the girl will up her lies until there is a much more serious problem than no pizza or ice-cream.

I think you should tell the mum this NOW and explain in words of one syllable that you’re not going on like this. Your husband is absolutely right, and this child could ruin you.

The mother’s attitude is ridiculous. And if she thought for one second that you were the type of person who would behave in this way, she’s an idiot to leave her child with you anyway!

Stand strong op x

If you don't want the confrontation you could say a neighbour has reported you as being a cm to the council and you either need to register and charge her or stop having her dd.... Dealing with the aftermath of being honest when you are a kind person is difficult I understand!
Start having other dc for tea for your dd to build new/better friendships with also!

I wouldn't be waiting weeks to end this. Have you thought that the lies might get more challenging if the little girl knows that the arrangement is coming to an end? You're one lie away from having a serious accusation made that could end up with third parties involved.

"We've been helping you out which we are more than happy to do. But it feels like a slap in the face when you turn around and accuse us of whatever your child tells you. Multiple times you've done it and on all occasions, we have proved that wasnt that case. It's not even about that. It's about how you treat us despite us helping you out, and that is not what friends do."
I'd go with something like this. And do it soon so she has plenty of time to get it sorted for after half-term. (She may throw her toys out of the pram and stop immediately)

Oh bloody hell and don't make us some far fetched story - just tell her the truth!

I wouldn’t be making excuses for either of them tbh. The girl is a compulsive liar (and no, there doesn’t always need to be an underlying reason for it, but there’s seemingly a convenient excuse for it) and the mother believes her every word perhaps because she is a compulsive liar as wel? Do you know for certain that she was actually in an abusive relationship? Because I’d be questioning that as well tbh.

And I wouldn’t be giving her notice - I would text her now and tell her she needs to find alternative childcare as of Monday.

In truth this isn’t a friendship anyway as the woman is a user who will always take her daughter’s side over you and nothing is ever going to change that. So I would just walk away with immediate effect.

Harsh perhaps, but that’s usually the only language these types understand.

Good luck, OP. Everyone agrees that you don't need to keep on providing childcare in this scenario, so you've got MN support! And your DH sounds great too (and i also agree with him).

Send her the message (text?) asap to give her the maximum amount of time to put other arrangements in place.

fwiw, I'd go with something firm but not blunt "The girls don't enjoy spending time together like they used to, so I'm not going to continue this after half-term. See you at x, y, z and wishing you all a lovely break".
Don't apologise. Don't try and fix/resolve her situation. You don't have to justify or explain. Good luck.

I think Fireman's posts are very insightful.

However, I also think that lies have a tendency to get very dangerous and must be nipped in the bud.

I wouldn't be happy to put myself in the position of being challenged repeatedly by someone who knows their child tells lies, but continues to accuse me.

So I'm afraid OP I don't see a way of stopping the arrangement without a fall out. But that isn't your fault.

I'm amazed you've put up with it this long. Yes, it sounds like the girl is (understandably) attention-seeking, but it is her mother's responsibility to address that and she has not done so. Tell her you can't do it after next week. You would be doing the mum a favour if you said "because the risk of your dd making a damaging false allegation is just too high" - she needs to get the message from somewhere that this is not acceptable - but otherwise just go with "that doesn't work for us anymore".

Agree that the arrangement has to stop. I don't understand how the mother isn't tackling this with her daughter.

But it is very odd for the school to cancel after school club by telling the children. That is not acceptable from them.

"DH and I have talked it over, and I'm afraid we will not be able to continue having DD after school after our holiday. With the tails she has been telling you, we are putting ourselves in a very vulnerable position as far as allegations go and I am worried a story will get told that we cannot as easily prove as false."

'After yesterday I have decided that this no longer works for me. You need to make alternative arrangements from today onwards. To confirm I will not be picking x up and providing free childcare for you from this moment on'.

We've been looking after child for some time now, from after half term this can't continue.
The tales that we have to refute has become upsetting as you take them seriously. Hope you get sorted soon.

With the tails she has been telling you, we are putting ourselves in a very vulnerable position as far as allegations go and I am worried a story will get told that we cannot as easily prove as false

Christ, don't say this. It just puts that particular idea into everybody's heads completely unnecessarily.

Just say no, has she has help to check she's claiming everything she could ? She should be able a lot of the the childcare cost covered and she needs to pursue the maint. She is not your problem.

These have been fairly harmless lies so far but sounds like the kid could be a danger.... what if she says you smacked her or something. Stop it now!

I am with your dh with this. This arrangement needs to stop today. She could very easily make up a lie about you or dh and tell it to a teacher etc. This could end up involving police and social workers.

Tell your friend that after yesterday's lie/prank you and your dh are unable to offer anymore childcare to her effective immediately. Do not engage anymore.

I'm not sure if I would say why. I'd be worried how the child or the mum might react to that, and whether it might escalate the lies. Or it might even if you don't say why. I also think if you give a reason people try to find a way around the reason, whereas if you just say it doesn't work for you any more they've no come back.

I think I might in confidence and from a position of concern say something to the teacher. Let them know about the repeated lying, let them know that you're ending the childcare arrangement and there may be a reaction in school time. For the protection of DD, friend, other classmates and your own family.

It is sad that this girl needs to lie like this, but you have to stop this arrangement now before she makes a serious allegation that brings a shitstorm upon your family.