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Original poster

Lying child at the end of my tether

221 replies

PeachPrincess · 11/05/2019 08:48

I’ve been really good friends with one of the school mums since our girls started at nursery together. Our DDs are now 10.

I was worried about the mum for years as she was in a very controlling relationship with her husband that got worse and worse as the years went on. She finally ended the relationship last year.

Financially she’s been really struggling she works full time but has a low paid job he doesn’t pay maintenance. Every day since September I’ve been collecting her DD from school and looking after her for 1.5/ 2 hours until her mum gets back from work. The arrangement in itself is fine and I’m happy to help her out as she is a good friend.

I’ve been doing the after school collections for just over 7 months and I don’t think I can’t continue with it due this girls constant lies that are usually aimed at me.

Some recent examples are we went to a ice cream shop and we all had one but I wouldn’t allow her DD to have one. DDs new Guinea pig bit this girl, we apparently all made pizza from scratch but I didn’t allow her any and made her watch whilst we ate them.

Each time this girl tells her mum these lies she confronts me every single time believing her. The ice cream example mum had given me money for her DDs and then asked for the money back, luckily I’d taken a photo of the girls with there impressive ice creams. The mums response was she “must of forgot”. The Guinea pig lie I was called out on, we hadn’t actually got it yet. DD had said to the girl she was getting one. The mum messaged about being bitten and I said she was welcome to check the empty hutch the next day, she did and the response was “don’t know where her DD got that from then” I was also called out on the pizza example, I had bought pizza for our tea from the supermarket it was on the kitchen counter we hadn’t made them or eaten them so I sent her a photo of them on the side. Her DD “ must have been mistaken” it’s all the time and im sick of being constantly questioned/ accused of these things I never get a apology it’s just brushed off.

She’s constantly telling lies in front of me to her mum silly things like “it’s dress up day tomorrow” “I let my dd have a snack / drink but not her” every single time I pull her up on it in front of the mum and it’s brushed off and a excuse made for it.

Thursday I mentioned to both girls I needed to go into school and check if after school club was on for yesterday as the school had said it may need to be cancelled and we would be informed either way. The girl assured me it was on, DD said the teacher had said something about the club but she was chatting so didn’t hear what was said. Why I trusted her I don’t know, I get a call from school to say I hadn’t collected them. I got to school and questioned why we weren’t told, apparently the kids were told club was canceled on Thursday. I asked the girl why she had lied to me and she shrugged and said “i thought it would be funny” her grandparents picked her up and are having her overnight so I’m now waiting for a message from her mum for no doubt forgetting to collect them or some other tale.

I can’t continue this arrangement anymore as I cannot put up with the hassle of it. Am I right feeling this way? It’s caused a few arguments between me and DH as he has been saying for months to knock this on the head as he’s worried Incase she makes up some serious lies that we can’t prove.

How much notice do you think I should give? Also should I be honest with the mum about my reasoning? I’ve wimped out of a few situations in the past with her.

OP posts:
Badwifey · 11/05/2019 16:46

I also wouldn't give her any notice. The lies may escalate into something much much worse if she feels like you are "attacking" her. It is quite odd behaviour and will definitely continue unless her mam puts a stop to it but it's quite a difficult situation for her mam too I'd imagine. No one wants to doubt their child or call them a liar only to later find they were telling truth. Also for the girl herself she may find herself in a crying wolf situation where she may be telling the truth about something really serious but no one will believer her due to her history of lying.

I think you need to phone her mam now and explain that you don't be taking het anymore. Maybe in future if her behaviour changes then the arrangement can start again.

Badwifey · 11/05/2019 16:47

Jesus... auto correct total fail... phone her mam and tell her you won't be taking her anymore.

Mabelface · 11/05/2019 16:47

"after yesterday's incident, I'm unable to continue with our arrangement" if all you need to say. No embellishment, no further exclamations, no apologies.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
bringbacksideburns · 11/05/2019 16:50

She isn't employing you. It was an arrangement to help her out. Don't give notice. See what she says.

Think about the wording carefully. I'd mention also that it's not so much about the lying but it's her constant assuming the worse of you, and though it's only started as silly things in the beginning, like saying you bought ice creams and left her daughter out, it's now escalating and you are sorry but you can't put you and your family at risk of being accused of worse and worse things. It makes you uncomfortable and it's upsetting.

bigKiteFlying · 11/05/2019 16:51

None. You give no notice. You are not her employee. You were doing her an amazingly kind favour

This - it's not your responsibility to sort her childcare and I would be thinking more about your DH and own child.

I can no longer offer free childcare for your child - so you will need to make other arrangements her recent behaviour has been utterly appalling and your reactions to it worrying.

That’s quite blunt though – so image you’d do something more fluffy.

BentBaastard · 11/05/2019 16:52

You have to stop this so just be straight.

Some great answers on here.

bigKiteFlying · 11/05/2019 16:52

Mabelface suggestion is better - after yesterday's incident, I'm unable to continue with our arrangement

OnTheEdgeOfTheNight · 11/05/2019 16:55

Just send a message saying "thanks for letting me know that (girl's name) hasn't been enjoying the after school time recently, we'll end the after school arrangement as of now, it seems best to go back to how things were."

Nanasueathome · 11/05/2019 17:17

Op, I would also mention this at school just in case the girl picks on your daughter if things are not going her way

sonjadog · 11/05/2019 17:34

I also think you should give no notice as for one thing, you are doing a favour and are not an employee, and secondly when there is an end date to this, you don't know how the daughter will react and what lies she will tell. She could potentially cause a lot of problems for your family and also for your DH. I think this is a situation where you put them first and your friend and her needs second. If I was your DH, I would be worried about being the house at the same time as this girl because of the lies she could potentially tell about him.

sonjadog · 11/05/2019 17:35

I think Mabel´s message is good. Clear without getting into discussion.

SilverySurfer · 11/05/2019 17:46

Regardless of why the girl is lying, you are doing the right thing. Who knows if she would have ramped up her lying which could cause huge problems for your family. I could be more sympathetic if the mother had made any attempt at dealing with it. Instead she has believed the lies until you provided evidence to the contrary.

Hope it goes ok OP.

SunshineCake · 11/05/2019 17:59

It's not your problem her grandparents won't have her. You have two options, either end it immediately or speak about your concerns about the constant lying with school pastoral workers if you think she's a sad child rather than bad.

Original poster
PeachPrincess · 11/05/2019 18:08

Right how does this sound? I’ve used a bit of a few suggestions. The mum is away on a business trip until tomorrow morning so she is probably not aware about yesterday’s antics, I would of heard about it if she did.

DH and I have talked it over and I need to let you know that I cannot continue to collect and look after .... from school. Her constant lying and you challenging me have become too much. Thursday..... told me after school club was on. I got a phone call from the school to say I hadn’t collected the girls. I spoke to the receptionist who said the kids were told. My DD didn’t hear this. I asked .... why she told me this and she shrugged and said I thought it would be funny.
So I am ending the arrangement with immediate effect.

OP posts:
PrayingandHoping · 11/05/2019 18:10

It's the truth. It needs to be said

My only addition would be to clarify when your DD had said she hadn't heard about the club being at same time as her D said it was on.....

Mississippilessly · 11/05/2019 18:10

Sounds good OP. Stay firm!

sackrifice · 11/05/2019 18:12

Yeah do it.

Mississippilessly · 11/05/2019 18:12

2bh I would be tempted to leave the example out altogether. Less opportunity for discussion on her part

Contraceptionismyfriend · 11/05/2019 18:12

Sounds great OP.

OnTheEdgeOfTheNight · 11/05/2019 18:13

I wouldn't go into the stuff about the after school club in detail as she'll argue the detail about misunderstandings and miss-hearing things and you'll get into a never - ending text conversation. Just keep it simple. Miss out the middle bit from "Thursday... funny." The rest is all you need.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 11/05/2019 18:13

She can argue all she wants. This isn't up for discussion. Do not engage with her Op. No matter what she sends you. No matter what sob story she tells just ignore her.

ThatCurlyGirl · 11/05/2019 18:16

Hmm personally I'd keep the example I think as it's an undeniably inconvenient and purposeful lie. I think your message is great - very reasonable and calm.

You can be perfectly pleasant in any further replies, but firm and focused on prioritising your own family.

Let us know how it goes if you get a chance as I'm sure many people have similar issues with these arrangements but are scared to end them!

RavenLG · 11/05/2019 18:21

DH and I have talked it over and I need to let you know that I cannot continue to collect and look after .... from school
This sounds like your DH has an issue and you've been left to tell her.

Just say after much consideration you are unable to do the school run for her DD anymore. Then elaborate with the rest.

SolitudeAtAltitude · 11/05/2019 18:23

Leave the example out, too wordy, and technically both girls were at fault.

Personally, to avoid discussions, I'd keep it really brief and clear and non negotiable:

"Hi X, apologies for short notice but I won't be able to pick Y up from school any more. It's been lovely having her stay at ours, but things have changed and it is no longer convenient for us. Xxx, OP"

Bringbackthestripes · 11/05/2019 18:26

It's been lovely having her stay at ours

But it hasn’t been and this lets her mum off the hook for blindly believing her daughter ever single time. She should be told the reason not be lied to making out it was oh so lovely but no longer convienient.