I'm really not a very nice person

[notaniceperson71]

So on the surface I am a very nice person, respectable middle-aged lady - kind to everyone, the only person at work to hold the door open for the cleaners, judge people that are rude to waiting staff etc etc

But internally I really am not a very nice person and think the most awful things, I openly admit that most of these are jealousy so not a very nice trait I know for example:-

My close friend's DH has just lost his job, I am being supportive but in reality I am secretly pleased, they might have to downsize from their five bed detached house and cut back on their multiple luxury holidays.

I have a crush on a married colleague (I am also married) and if I had the opportunity to shag him with 100% assurances that no one would ever find out then I would!

One of the ladies in our friendship group has recently started to gain wait and is not ageing well (she was always the slim, pretty one) this pleases me.

I love it when my colleague makes mistakes at work, it makes me look good.

My cat shits in next door's garden, I actively encourage this.

Is anyone else secretly evil or am I just a cunt in disguise?

You are normal! But I wish I was a fly on the wall when you're giving your cat the pep talk about where to shit!

I'm the same

Total jeykll Hyde

A lot of people are like you, openly nice but would stick a knife in your back at the first opportunity.

MY MIL was like you, and by the time she was sixty every bad thought was literally etched into her face in a mask of pure bitterness. People were scared of her, literally.
Anna Soubry is a fine example of this.

You will catch yourself in a viscous cycle with this mindset if you don’t challenge yourself on it.

Why are you jealous? What is missing in your own life? What can you do about it?

These negative thoughts will show on some subtle level and as a PP said, those around you will pick up on it. They will know.

Perhaps you feel ever so slightly on the outside of things? This will likely worsen if you let it.

You sound unhappy. Change and peace of mind are possible, though.

I sometimes have less than kind thoughts about people's appearance if they look a bit rough (and my own for that matter), but I don't go around genuinely wishing people ill or being secretly pleased if things go wrong for them.

I don't like some people and I do feel envy about lovely houses when mine's a dump but I still don't wish people bad things.

I used to be quite like this. Looking back, I was pretty damn unhappy with my lot and so it was largely borne out of envy.

^This. We all have ungenerous impulses, but it sounds like living inside your head would be a miserable place to be.

How do you encourage your cat to shit in the neighbour's garden?

I think the brain is complex and has multiple 'voices'. It is your way of doing an internal appraisal of situations and allowing you to feel naughty when you know you shouldn't be. It's a bit like dreams. Your good voice usually wins over and keeps your moral compass. I bet you are very kind person in practise and that's all that matters!

I thought the OP was funny. I think we all have a bit of an Inner Cunt. So long as we don't actually let it affect anyone else, it's fine. FWIW, I think the people who are the nicest people-pleasers (and I fall into this category) are probably also the ones who have secret cunty thoughts.

I can be awful in my head, I mean awful. But then I write as a hobby and I spill it all out there very much recommend that. I have that 'imp of the perverse' thing too do not look into this if you would be upset by people's inner thoughts but we're the people who mildly consider doing the most heinous things just as a thought exercise about what would be the result

I have a friend who is the same and at least I can admit it in RL too.

But on the outside I'm middle aged, middle classed, a bit disorganised but will drop everything to help out. One of the first ports of call for most of my friends if they need help. Trusted with their kids.

Because of the creative writing I get away with googling things that others would fear to have on their search history too.

Yes you are, as are most people deep down, some are just a little more honest with themselves than others 😁.

But then again saints that are good at spelling apparently do exist 🤣.

Well I opened this thread because I was feeling bad about not being a nice person myself and wanted to empathise.

But you sound so much worse than me that I actually feel better now.

I hope this makes you feel better too - you have done a helpful thing!

@TheFaerieQueene

What did I spell wrong?

Wait instead of weight?

Jealous people are so obvious. I have a friend like you - but she's dropped back in my life because I have more genuine friends and I'm tired of her shallow jealousy.

@CuntForThisOne

Thank you - exactly as you put it.

You're brave posting that on MN, where 95% posters are desperate to virtue-signal how "kind" they are, because being "unkind" is absolutely unthinkable to them and they don't even know what the word means!

At least she's honest.
I have always thought I was bad because despite having lots of friends and being nice to almost everyone, the only people who I deep down give a damn about are my children, my husband and my mother. They are the only ones whose misfortunes I feel as if they were my own.

Again I think that everyone has occasional moments of schadenfreude, but it is not normal to have them to this extent. MN normalises a lot of behaviours that are anything but normal. Being this spiteful and resentful constantly suggests a real issue, perhaps not a diagnosable one but I can't imagine that OP is a very happy person.

Oh dear yes I have a few of these schadenfreude type thoughts OP, though not to the extent that you seem to. Admittedly mine tend to be directed at people that I perceive as being particularly smug or putting themselves out onto a pedestal of perfection or braggishness.
A few years back, we lived next door to an old couple that owned a lovely big swimming pool. Our DC's were small and longed to go into their pool - just once, during a heatwave. The couple talked about inviting them over but never did - in 15 years. I used to fantasise about flinging a chicken carcass or dead rat over the fence into the pool - make out a fox had dropped it or something. I never did it but SOOO wanted to. When they sold their house and lost a lot of money I was pleased.

@DulcieRay

Oops indeed it did make an error, apologies.

You're human. Thoughts are thoughts. Everyone presents the best example of themselves to the outside world. Everyone has cunty thoughts. So long as you don't act on them it's all good.