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Original poster

My Stepdaughters mum let's her share her bed.

154 replies

Mholley · 27/04/2019 22:44

Hi,
I'm not normally someone who would actively seek help like this online but we are really stuck as to what to do.
My stepdaughter who is 7 is still sharing a bed with her mum (We have lots of issues with her mum and she can be very unreasonable) and she now gets so scared at bed time she is throwing up. Adding to this, she is going to sleep way later than is expected of a 7 year old because she goes to bed at the same time as mother and then waking up at 6. We go through good patches and bad patches but over the last couple of months it has grown progressively worse, as has her anxiety. Both her head teacher and our GP have told her mum that sharing a bed is not ideal and at 7 she should really be sleeping on her own, especially considering that 50% of her life is spent at our house where she has to sleep in her own bed. They have explained that she needs to create her own independence and this in turn will help with her anxiety but she doesn't seem to care.
We have tried everything to try and get her to sleep in her own bed. We've tried positive reinforcement, taking treats/pocket money away. We've tried the soft approach and stayed with her until she falls asleep and we've tried leaving her on her own. We've got to the point where no one (apart from the baby) is getting a good night's sleep, which in turn makes it harder as she is getting to the point of being so over tired. Also we are all missing out as a family as the things and days out we have planned we are having to take away from her as it's the only thing she seems to care about! Any suggestions would be much appreciated!

OP posts:
Mintandthyme · 27/04/2019 22:47

How many nights a week does she spend away from her mum?

WinkyisbackontheButterBeer · 27/04/2019 22:48

I don’t see how punishing her for anxiety is going to help really.

Mintandthyme · 27/04/2019 22:48

And punishing her for anxiety is absolutely disgusting.

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7 year olds Babies & sleep Children's sleep Families
EskiVodkaCranberry · 27/04/2019 22:50

Jeez poor kid Confused

Lollypop701 · 27/04/2019 22:50

No ideas, but hopefully someone will be along soon. If she’s at yours 3 days a week, and always has been, I’m not sure why she’s so anxious now?

Fairylea · 27/04/2019 22:50

What does the 7 year old say about this? Where does she want to sleep at bedtime at yours? Is she finding the 50/50 split too upsetting and difficult? It’s a lot of change and unsettling for a young child.

When my dd was little she would go and stay with her dad at the weekend and he would always be trying to stop her having her comfort blanket (we are talking aged 4-7 ish here) and she would get herself into a massive state about it all - If he had just backed off and let her have the bloody thing she wouldn’t have been so worked up. It really didn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. I argued with him so much about it.

If she is happy sleeping with mum and mum is happy then I don’t think you should be judging her or step daughter for it. That in itself might be making her anxious. The late bedtimes however need to change as she does need more sleep if that’s the case.

Offallycheap · 27/04/2019 22:50

What does your Stepdaughter want to do? Follow her lead for the solution. She won’t want to cosleep forever.

Notcontent · 27/04/2019 22:51

I know this is difficult but I think you have this the wrong way around - I don’t think it’s sleeping with her mum that causing your step daughter’s anxiety. She is obviously suffering from anxiety (not uncommon for a child in that sort of situation) and this will be one of the reasons she is probably choosing to sleep with her mum. Bribes or punishments is not the way to go here. Her anxiety needs to be properly addressed.

Fairylea · 27/04/2019 22:51

Waking up at 6 is perfectly normal for a lot of younger children, maybe she could have a tablet or iPad type thing to amuse herself for an hour until everyone is ready to get up?

WinkyisbackontheButterBeer · 27/04/2019 22:52

Sorry, I hit post too soon there.
I don’t see her sharing a bed with her mum as being too much of an issue. 7 is quite young really and there is not much that you can do about it.
But children are usually good at knowing that there are different expectations in different settings.

Making bedtime at your house as calm and pleasant as possible to be the way to get her to sleep in her own bed. A story on cd might help and some fairy lights. Let her choose some nice new things for her room.

FlibbertyGiblets · 27/04/2019 22:52

Being sick with fear is awful. Poor little girl.

My advice is to please encourage her dad to bedshare whilst he seeks help for her overwhelming anxiety. You sleep in the other room with the baby. Everyone gets more sleep.

DelphiniumBlue · 27/04/2019 22:53

Why is sleeping with a parent so wrong?
If she gets anxious sleeping alone why not let her sleep with you or even the b baby?

Fairylea · 27/04/2019 22:53

What are the other issues with the mum? I get the feeling there’s a drip feed coming...

Beansandcoffee · 27/04/2019 22:54

I really can’t see a problem with a 7 year sharing a bed with their parent. Kids will soon seek out their own bed when they are ready. You nagging and punishing her by taking away day trips is abusive and cruel.

mygrandchildrenrock · 27/04/2019 22:55

As others have said, punishing a child for not being able to sleep in their own bed isn't going to help the situation at all. In many families/cultures co-sleeping is very normal, not sure why you think punishment would work.
If you want your step-daughter to stay in her own bed at your house, use lots of praise and be patient and positive. Taking away treats, days out will have no impact on her ability to stay in her own bed at night, not sure why you think it will.

Pieinthesky11 · 27/04/2019 22:57

I think sharing a bed with mum is fine ..very scary to have head teacher and Dr involved in judging her and her mum though...poor them

Theninjawhinger · 27/04/2019 22:57

I am another who thinks you are approaching this wrong - why are you punishing her / taking away treats for anxiety? No wonder she’s sick with fear - it’s been turned into a huge deal to her!

Ds is 7 and is snoring away happily beside me now. He was in my bed most of last year, none the year before and for the last month was solidly in his bed. If I say he CAN’T sleep in his bed / my bed / anywhere, he would become massively anxious as he would over think it.

Don’t make the mum the enemy here - this isn’t a problem she’s made, in fact, I’d say she’s given the solution!

Also, 6 is normal. Ds gro clock is set for 6:45, any time after 6 he is allowed to read, it as a special treat, have his iPad.

IncrediblySadToo · 27/04/2019 22:57

Why not let her sleep with you guys if that’s what she wants?

Lots of kids sleep with a parent well past 7, the world won’t end.

Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis · 27/04/2019 22:57

I’m aghast that you and her headteacher feel it’s appropriate to tell her mother when to stop cosleeping. What a massive overstep.

Why are you punishing her for being scared?ShockConfused

You see this as problem to fix, it’s just a difference to accommodate. Can’t she just sleep with her Dad till she feels safer?

millespadpuddy · 27/04/2019 22:58

Yes,I agree with the above poster about letting her share with her dad or maybe put a mattress on the floor in your room and let her sleep there.It won't last forever.
We had similar issues with our son a few years ago.My husband and I sought advice from a physiotherapist and this is what he suggested.
I understand that it's such a difficult time for all of you and can be quite a strain on a marriage.

RaffertyFair · 27/04/2019 22:58

If she spends 50% of her nights at your house, why do you think the sleep anxiety is a result of her mum's parenting?

Passmethecrisps · 27/04/2019 22:59

I am not sure you have things the right way round. Mum is responding to her child’s needs by giving her the care she needs through the night.

I might be wrong but I am not sure it is mum who needs to change her stance at this stage. I would suggest the wee girl needs more overt love and support overnight rather than pulling it away and giving less.

Forkrightorf · 27/04/2019 23:01

You take away the only thing she seems to care about because she is frightened? Just think about that for a second.
Personally I'd just let her dad bedshare for a bit. If that's really off the table could you make her a little camp bed in your room or something? Tell her the aim is to move to her own room when she is ready. Showing compassion and compromise is such a better move than just expecting an anxious little girl to suck it up and fit in with what's best for you. Poor kid.

FiremanKing · 27/04/2019 23:02

I’m saddened that you would treat a young child like this.

I was on my own with my children when they were young and my daughter always got in with me. My son occasionally did too.

They are both independent adults now.

gamerchick · 27/04/2019 23:03

My son who has ASD still likes to co sleep. It's fewer and far between now but knowing he has that choice really helps his anxiety. He feels much better snuggled up to a body.

You know what grates. Put a thread up about sleeping apart from your spouse/partner and it's seen as taboo. But little kids are expected to go it alone? Hmm

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