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Original poster

My Stepdaughters mum let's her share her bed.

154 replies

Mholley · 27/04/2019 22:44

Hi,
I'm not normally someone who would actively seek help like this online but we are really stuck as to what to do.
My stepdaughter who is 7 is still sharing a bed with her mum (We have lots of issues with her mum and she can be very unreasonable) and she now gets so scared at bed time she is throwing up. Adding to this, she is going to sleep way later than is expected of a 7 year old because she goes to bed at the same time as mother and then waking up at 6. We go through good patches and bad patches but over the last couple of months it has grown progressively worse, as has her anxiety. Both her head teacher and our GP have told her mum that sharing a bed is not ideal and at 7 she should really be sleeping on her own, especially considering that 50% of her life is spent at our house where she has to sleep in her own bed. They have explained that she needs to create her own independence and this in turn will help with her anxiety but she doesn't seem to care.
We have tried everything to try and get her to sleep in her own bed. We've tried positive reinforcement, taking treats/pocket money away. We've tried the soft approach and stayed with her until she falls asleep and we've tried leaving her on her own. We've got to the point where no one (apart from the baby) is getting a good night's sleep, which in turn makes it harder as she is getting to the point of being so over tired. Also we are all missing out as a family as the things and days out we have planned we are having to take away from her as it's the only thing she seems to care about! Any suggestions would be much appreciated!

OP posts:

nevernotstruggling · 27/04/2019 23:03

My nearly 7 year old gets in bed with me when she needs to. And I let her. She's 7.

I wouldn't allow my child the nrp contact if she was this distressed. What a disturbing thread

gamerchick · 27/04/2019 23:03

*who's 12

RandomMess · 27/04/2019 23:04

I hate bed sharing but if my DC needed it they could sleep on a mattress in our room, often they just need closeness to feel safe and secure.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

7 year olds Babies & sleep Children's sleep Families

Thesearmsofmine · 27/04/2019 23:04

Poor girl, there is nothing wrong with her sharing her bed with her mum, she obviously feels safe there.

ballsdeep · 27/04/2019 23:05

The poor girl is probably picking up on everyone's judgements. I have to say op your post comes across as nasty and as if you haven't got time for your sd or her mother.
She wants to bed share for a reason. Maybe being withlur her. Mother for half the week isn't helping the situation?

converseandjeans · 27/04/2019 23:05

Do you think her anxiety increased with the arrival of the baby?
I agree with others that she should be allowed to share with her Mum. Maybe her Mum misses her when she's not there & it's a way for them to connect.
You should focus on making her feel settled at yours & maybe her Dad should read with her, get her settled etc...

Redshoeblueshoe · 27/04/2019 23:05

Blimey you discussed this with the HT
And stopped her pocket money
And a new baby thrown in
The poor little girl

Applesbananaspears · 27/04/2019 23:05

put a mattress on the floor in your room and let her sleep there

I had my DD sleep on my floor for years. I can’t remember When she stopped but I think she must have been 7 or 8.

holikaholika · 27/04/2019 23:05

If my son had a step mum and she came to me telling me whether I should be sleeping in the same bed as him or not I'd be pretty pissed off. Co-sleeping at 7 when a child suffers from bad anxiety is not a bad thing at all. Getting up at 6 is also very normal.

StarShapedWindow · 27/04/2019 23:06

I really feel for this little 7 yr old, how can you take away things she loves because she’s sick with anxiety? Poor thing doesn’t choose to feel like this. Give her the comfort she needs and give her lots of encouragement just like you would for your baby. The only way to help her is to make her feel safe - like her mother is doing. Tough love won’t work, only make her feel bad.

winecigsandchoc · 27/04/2019 23:06

At 7 her parents should just ask her what she wants.
There's no harm in bed sharing with your parent and it's the absolute norm in most of the world.

Punishing a child for wanting to be near another trusted human at night is wrong.
Give Your head a wobble.

The child's emotional and developmental needs trump your standards and those of her head teacher. Listen to her, love her and nurture her.
It's hardly rocket science.

ballsdeep · 27/04/2019 23:07

And I also think you are disgusting for talking to the headteacher about it. It sounds like you were all judging her mother, when in actual fact I think it's yourself you need to take a long hard look at.

ButtonMoonLoon · 27/04/2019 23:07

My 8 year old still sleeps with me most nights, she has an anxiety disorder and her consultant actually recommends it.
If it’s what she needs and her primary caregiver is happy with it then I don’t see the problem with your step-daughter doing so.
What you do when she sleeps at your home is another matter, I suggest you sit down with her Mum and see what sort of a plan you can come up with together.
Punishing her by removing treats and days out for something that she probably has no control over is very unfair and is more likely to exacerbate any feelings of security and anxiety than help.

Iwrotethissongfor · 27/04/2019 23:07

I couldn’t understand your sentence about missing out on family dats as it’s the only thing she cares about. Please tell me it doesn’t mean you withhold events because she’s too anxious and doesn’t want to sleep alone? If so you’re disgusting. Why would it even occur to you to see this as naughtiness? Her parents have split up she’s away from mum, dad has new baby etc? She’s a child and i’d at least try to offer her the same comfort as mum at my home or otherwise let her know she was very loved. This approach is Terrible.

partyanimalmummy · 27/04/2019 23:07

Hiya, I have the same problem but the other way round. My son's (4 years old) dad let's him sleep in his bed. His dad lives with his mother (our sons grandmother) and they have a 2 bed flat. His dad openly admits that they share a bed as it makes his life easier. At best my son will only ever have a bed in his dad's room, both scenarios I am unhappy with but there is very little I can do about that. I can't change their circumstances or behaviour but I can change the way I deal with it if that makes sense?

I've made it clear to my son that there are different rules in mummys house and daddy's house (we have 50/50) I've explained he's a big boy and at mummys house he has a big boy bed in his own room and that he's lucky to have that. He has a big boy box and when he sleeps in his bed all night he gets to chose a wrapped present from his big boy box (cheap Poundland plastic crap) but he loves it and he's so proud of himself now that he can happily sleep in his own bed in his own room. It's taken 18months of perseverance and positive reinforcement to get to this point but we're finally getting there. He is happy to stay at other people's houses (with me there) but in a separate room, even 6 months ago that wouldn't have been confident to do that.

There is no quick fix to this but please please don't punish her for not wanting to sleep in her own bed. But I completely get your feelings about the issue as I battled with it for so long too.

SirVixofVixHall · 27/04/2019 23:08

I agree with the pp who said you have it the wrong way round. If she is anxious then she probably feels safe and cosy in with her Mum. She has been through a parental break up and she is a little girl, why on earth shouldn't she sleep with her Mum, as small children have done for millennia ?
I co slept with my dds, and left it up them when they started sleeping in their own room. They moved into their own room at about eight and ten, and shared a big bed, then had separate beds, and now have separate rooms. Sometimes one or the other might still sleep in with us if she isn’t feeling well, or has a nightmare.
Co sleeping doesn’t make anxious children more anxious. Forcing an anxious child to sleep alone, and having too much shunting around at too young an age makes children anxious.
Let her choose where she wants to sleep.
This focus on “independence “ is ridiculous. She is seven. She can’t be independent in any real way because she is a small child. She needs love and security, not forced independence that she clearly isn’t ready for.

Her Mum is not the problem. Being so callous with an anxious and unhappy little girl is the problem.

Branleuse · 27/04/2019 23:08

jeez, leave her alone. If she needs her mum at night, thats what she needs. Shes a little kid. Shes not gonna be doing it at 18. Maybe she should spend more time with her mum rather than you guys who punish her for her anxiety. 50/50 arrangements are often stressful and disruptive for children.
How do you know what the head teacher and the doctor said to her?

Josiebloggs · 27/04/2019 23:08

Co sleeping at 7 is fine, you've made this into a huge deal for an anxious little girl who's parents have split and who has a new half sibling.
Is the 50/50 split court ordered and is she happy the rest of the time? How do her parents get on? Have you asked her how she feels and what she wants?

FiremanKing · 27/04/2019 23:09

“We have lots of issues with hr mum, she can be very unreasonable.”

Quite honestly you and your husband are the ones behaving your unreasonably concerning a 7 year old child.

I’ve read your post a couple of times and found your actions towards the little girl to be callous and more about you putting the mother down rather than supporting the child.

I can’t post what I’d really like to say to you and your husband.

holikaholika · 27/04/2019 23:09

Also we are all missing out as a family as the things and days out we have planned we are having to take away from her as it's the only thing she seems to care about!

Awful. Poor, poor kid.

Original poster

Mholley · 27/04/2019 23:10

Thanks for everyone's replies, there are lots and lots of other issues involving her mum and I didn't want to come on her and slag her off and be the big bad step parent! I'll fill you in with a couple of things that I think have affected her and maybe there will be a better understanding of why the school and her GP is involved.
Her mum is continually verbally abusive during pick up and drop offs, she has physically attacked both me and my partner in front of my step daughter. We have been desperately trying to get more support for her anxiety but the GPs that we have spoken to at the surgery are saying that it is not bad enough to pushing further. Her mother refuses to attend mediation sessions even though they are court ordered so now we have to wait until it can go in front of a judge which could be up to a year.
Also, just so everyone is clear, we DO NOT punish her for throwing up. Any punishment comes from any screaming and shouting, especially with a baby in the house aswell.
Sometimes her mum agrees that she needs to be in her own bed so that she can develop this independence and then she sometimes she disagrees so there is a little bit of chopping and changing with routine.

OP posts:

ILoveMaxiBondi · 27/04/2019 23:11

Poor kid! She’s 7! You know how kids develop independence?? By feeling secure enough to take the steps in their own time. Her mum is providing her with the security she needs at this stage. You’re being really cruel to punish her for feeling insecure at your house! You need to be making her feel more secure, not less!

MenstruatorExtraordinaire · 27/04/2019 23:12

My 7 year old is snoring away happily next to me at the moment. There's nothing wrong with co-sleeping at the age of 7. They won't be doing it at the age of 18 I can assure you.

Branleuse · 27/04/2019 23:12

My 12 year old fairly regularly creeps into my bed or the floor of my room during the night. He gets anxious. The last thing anyone needs at night is upset or behaviour training. Just ride it out. These are always just phases.

Original poster

Mholley · 27/04/2019 23:13

We have asked her what she wants and she mostly does want to try sleeping by herself but at the time she can get overwhelmed and that's when obviously we step in and try and keep it calm before the anxiety kicks in.

OP posts:

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