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Original poster

My Stepdaughters mum let's her share her bed.

154 replies

Mholley · 27/04/2019 22:44

Hi,
I'm not normally someone who would actively seek help like this online but we are really stuck as to what to do.
My stepdaughter who is 7 is still sharing a bed with her mum (We have lots of issues with her mum and she can be very unreasonable) and she now gets so scared at bed time she is throwing up. Adding to this, she is going to sleep way later than is expected of a 7 year old because she goes to bed at the same time as mother and then waking up at 6. We go through good patches and bad patches but over the last couple of months it has grown progressively worse, as has her anxiety. Both her head teacher and our GP have told her mum that sharing a bed is not ideal and at 7 she should really be sleeping on her own, especially considering that 50% of her life is spent at our house where she has to sleep in her own bed. They have explained that she needs to create her own independence and this in turn will help with her anxiety but she doesn't seem to care.
We have tried everything to try and get her to sleep in her own bed. We've tried positive reinforcement, taking treats/pocket money away. We've tried the soft approach and stayed with her until she falls asleep and we've tried leaving her on her own. We've got to the point where no one (apart from the baby) is getting a good night's sleep, which in turn makes it harder as she is getting to the point of being so over tired. Also we are all missing out as a family as the things and days out we have planned we are having to take away from her as it's the only thing she seems to care about! Any suggestions would be much appreciated!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mholley · 27/04/2019 23:24

We always reward her for a good night but over the last couple of months they seem very far and few between

OP posts:
Pinkkahori · 27/04/2019 23:25

You know that baby you've mentioned? Well picture that baby in a few years time, having gone through you and it's father breaking up. Now picture that child spending half the week in another house, with another woman telling him/her what to do and criticising what he/she does at home with you.
Does that make you see the situation any differently?
Seven is so young and she probably feels upset and anxious and pulled every which way.
I think helping her be calm and settled in both houses has to be the priority.

mum11970 · 27/04/2019 23:25

Punishing a child for being scared is unbelievably cruel. My youngest dc was scared of sleeping alone and slept with me way past 7 years. During the day he’d often promise to sleep in his own room but he’d usually end up back with me or he would never have got to sleep with fear. Believe me he felt ashamed and often got upset about not being able to do it, he certainly didn’t need us punishing him and making him feel worse. He got there in his own good time. I really don’t know how anyone could be so callous to a young child.

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HeddaGarbled · 27/04/2019 23:27

Ah, OK, having read the update, I can understand why the little girl is experiencing extreme anxiety. My advice is to drop the sleeping in her own bed thing for now and address the drop off and pick up situation. Could someone neutral do the handovers?

cakeandchampagne · 27/04/2019 23:27

You shouldn’t be punishing her at all. And her sleeping arrangement at her mom’s is not your problem.

If she is expected to sleep in her own room at your house, you need to make her room as comfortable as possible. Does she need her own little light? Are any lights inside or outside making scary shadows? Is she hearing street noise or neighbors? Does she need a daybed, or a very large pillow to snuggle up against?

Please make a huge effort.
How would you like your own child to be treated in another home?

winecigsandchoc · 27/04/2019 23:30

It doesn't matter if she's a bad Mum- to that little girl she is her mum. And she needs her. Whether that's a healthy or unhealthy attachment is for a later date discussion. SHE NEEDS HER MUM. If that's because her mum is unpredictable or because her dad and step Mum make her feel anxious SHE NEEDS HER MUM.
This is not about the quality of her parenting or the reasonableness of her conduct- this is about a little girl that showing and saying what she needs and her needs are not being met

AuldJosey · 27/04/2019 23:30

Poor girl.
It's so not fair on children, but people like this can get away with it. It's unreal.
I have no idea what you can do as I am literally paralysed in a similar situation.

I have no idea what to do. Sorry. You have my empathy. I know exactly what you're talking about. They fuck the child up so much that anything normal seems alien to them and they get scared.

m0therofdragons · 27/04/2019 23:32

I have 2 7yos who regularly sleep with me. It's not a sign of bad parenting. The child has to cope with 2 homes and at 7, some can't actually deal with that. You mention a baby too so that's another massive change in this dc life. There's a reason the studies show that dc from broken homes are more likely to have issues (not all but many). Dc need a stable home. I can't imagine having to pack my stuff up for two nights every week, I like my bed, my home, my stuff. I think you need to be more understanding of dc and the impact your arrangement is having on her rather than judging the mum for sharing a bed with her upset dc. As stepmum, you need to step back and let dh be a dad and work with the mum to plan a way forward with the child at the centre.

loveheart27 · 27/04/2019 23:32

Poor little girl, could you not let her sleep in with her dad for the 3 nights she is with you? Being sick out of fear she must be suffering badly with anxiety!!
I don't think sleeping in bed with her mum or dad is an issue, I slept in my mums bed till I was 16!! I suffered all my life with anxiety and I wouldn't wish it on anyone!! How would you feel if it was your biological child? I bet it would be different then!
There is nothing wrong with me because I slept in with my mum infact I have such a lovely relationship with my mum and I can't thank her enough for all the support she gave me as a child and as an adult!!
Think of it this way - how would you feel if your baby was making herself sick with fear I bet she'd be in your bed with you!! I hope dsd feels better soon

CordeliaWyndamPryce · 27/04/2019 23:34

OP, I think you are getting a hard time on here. If a doctor tells you something is bad for a child in your care you do what you can to stop it. And of course you worry about her DM refusing to listen to what the GP said. I'm surprised so many parents on here would be so blasé about following a doctors advice tbh. And blaming you when the little girl herself has told someone at school that it is her DMs behaviour upsetting her is, frankly, ridiculous.

What did the GP suggest for DD? I personally think the anxiety is a bigger problem than sharing a bed so I'd be totally focussed on how to reduce her anxiety. The bed sharing is likely a symptom of rather than the cause. Could you put a mattress in your room for a while - at least until she is seen by a MH specialist and they can advise you about that to do?

gottastopeatingchocolate · 27/04/2019 23:35

OP, you mention mediation and court - what is this in relation to?

loveheart27 · 27/04/2019 23:35

Does her dad have to have her 3 nights a week? Couldn't it be cut down to 1-2 nights depending on how the little girl is feeling?

justasking111 · 27/04/2019 23:36

I would have her in with you, or daddy can sleep with her the child is in quite a state at the moment.

justasking111 · 27/04/2019 23:39

My DS went for a sleepover at a friends house, the mother heard them talking put my son in the spare room no light, strange house. He was hysterical apparently. The mother was very annoyed. A few months later he went for another sleepover, somewhere he had slept happily before, we had to pick him up at 3am he was again distressed. It was another couple of years before he wanted to sleep at a strange house again even sharing with a friend.

Teddybear45 · 27/04/2019 23:40

I think 50/50 parenting is probably not what is best for an anxious child. I suggest, if she prefers being with her mum which is natural, you scale back to days only. Someone needs to think of this poor girl.

hsegfiugseskufh · 27/04/2019 23:41

Love how the solution is for this kid to spend more time with her abusive mother. Seems like a really brilliant idea. Will work wonders for her anxiety living with a violent woman.

millespadpuddy · 27/04/2019 23:42

I do think that putting a mattress on the floor in your room will take the pressure "to be rewarded for a good night"away from the little girl.
I feel she probably has so much anxiety issues going on that a"good night"is possibly out of her control.Difficult times,hope things improve for you all soon.

Schuyler · 27/04/2019 23:43

This poor girl is witnessing abuse, why on earth are children’s services not involved? Why on Earth is her father not pushing much harder for sole residency? I’m very surprised the school did not refer this, based on her disclosure. Poor kid, being failed by all the adults in her life.

brizzlemint · 27/04/2019 23:43

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hsegfiugseskufh · 27/04/2019 23:44

Schuyler if theyre waiting for a court date they clearly are pushing for it.

TwigTheWonderKid · 27/04/2019 23:45

They have explained that she needs to create her own independence and this in turn will help with her anxiety

That makes literally no sense. She's not going to be able to "create her own independence" (whatever the hell that means) if she is suffering from anxiety, is she? She needs the adults in her life to comfort and support her and from that will eventually grow the confidence to rely less on you. But she is just a little, little girl having to deal with a hugely destabilising situation so I reckon that's going to take a while, don't you?

hsegfiugseskufh · 27/04/2019 23:45

How is op abusive in any way shape or form?

If her mother cared she wouldn't attack people in front of her now would she?

yumyumpoppycat · 27/04/2019 23:48

I think you can reassure yourselves that the sleep stuff is not unusual at least from this thread and needs to be put on the backburner as a priority. She has some nights away where you just have the baby to wake you up.

Agree with PP it is the relationship between the 3 adults that is upsetting her and needs working on. I'm not sure how you would go about that. Possibly let the SD know that you understand her mummy is upset and that is normal but it isn't ok to shout etc at school so that might be hard for SD to see - but also that how her mother behaves doesn't affect how you or any of the teachers feel about her. It does sound really hard and sounds like you care about your SD.

Smumzo · 27/04/2019 23:50

I get she's upsetting the whole house but your focus is in the wrong place. You've got a traumatised child. Behaviour modification isn't going to work here. Could she sleep on a mattress on the floor in your room? Just until she feels safe. Then when she's ready she can move back to her bed but the floor bed is always available. Just slide the mattress under your bed. Poor thing really isn't well. I know you're trying your best but you're going to have to see this differently.