My Stepdaughters mum let's her share her bed.

[Mholley]

Hi,
I'm not normally someone who would actively seek help like this online but we are really stuck as to what to do.
My stepdaughter who is 7 is still sharing a bed with her mum (We have lots of issues with her mum and she can be very unreasonable) and she now gets so scared at bed time she is throwing up. Adding to this, she is going to sleep way later than is expected of a 7 year old because she goes to bed at the same time as mother and then waking up at 6. We go through good patches and bad patches but over the last couple of months it has grown progressively worse, as has her anxiety. Both her head teacher and our GP have told her mum that sharing a bed is not ideal and at 7 she should really be sleeping on her own, especially considering that 50% of her life is spent at our house where she has to sleep in her own bed. They have explained that she needs to create her own independence and this in turn will help with her anxiety but she doesn't seem to care.
We have tried everything to try and get her to sleep in her own bed. We've tried positive reinforcement, taking treats/pocket money away. We've tried the soft approach and stayed with her until she falls asleep and we've tried leaving her on her own. We've got to the point where no one (apart from the baby) is getting a good night's sleep, which in turn makes it harder as she is getting to the point of being so over tired. Also we are all missing out as a family as the things and days out we have planned we are having to take away from her as it's the only thing she seems to care about! Any suggestions would be much appreciated!

You are focusing on the wrong issue which is the co-sleeping. The cause of your DSD's anxiety and making things better for her should be your main worry. I co-sleep with DD (6), although I get into bed with her at 7.30/8 then get back up when she's sleeping. She suffers from nightmares and can't self settle at all (suspected adhd). I figure this is what she needs right now.

It’s not about laying into her mum, you need to recognise the poor little lovely is witnessing abuse. Strategies for bedtime aren’t going to work unless you address the underlying issue. I hope she gets access to help soon. I appreciate waiting lists are long for mental health support t but you need to make contact with social care as well.

Good luck OP, think all you can really do is try to keep calm and not get drawn in to her mum's drama.

I found some private workshops to deal with my young dds anxiety. Waiting on GP for poor mental health support was pointless GP said not to bother as quality of child services was very poor too.

If you are in Kent check out thecontentedchild.co.uk/.

Hopefully there will be similar organisations in other counties. Affordable, and brilliant. Really helped our family.

You didn't answer any of the questions OP.

so I do know how it feels to be shipped from house to house. I also know that no matter what she needs her mum

So why are you doing this awful 50-50 split with her then? Allow her some security.

Nothing wrong with co-sleeping. My NINE year old occasionally gets in with me if she is poorly/feeling 'wibbly inside' (her words)/she needs that reassurance/because she wants to. The six year old also comes in every now and then as well but tends to come in in the early hours of the morning. It's entirely normal for me to wake up in this house with a bed full of kids and their cuddlies and the husband asleep on the sofa. When I replaced my bed last year I replaced it with a 8 foot bed precisely because the kids still sleep with me. And yes, dc's school know she gets in bed with me and no, they don't care about it. I know she's not the only one who sleeps with their parents when they need it. They're still little, they still need their mummy.

There is absolutely no way that a little girl who is so anxious and upset that she is vomiting is going to be in the right place to be able to develop the skills for doing things independently. And punishing her because she can't do something that is beyond her control just isn't fair either. And the 6am wake ups might just be because she is feeling worried about being alone at that time in the morning. It's dark, the house is quiet, of course she is going to want to be with someone. My 2 know that they can either play/read/do something quiet in their rooms or come and snuggle with me. However they also know that Mummy doesn't do talking before 7am.

As for strategies to try: try bringing her mattress into your room and let her know that it's OK to sleep with you. She obviously needs that reassurance. And stop the pressure about sleeping alone. You'll find that when she is ready she will start sleeping alone in her own time.

And as for the abuse on handover, try the grey rock technique.

@MenstruatorExtraordinaire my dd is 18 and sometimes gets in with me in the night!!

So what are you actually doing to help with the anxiety then? It sounds like this child is desperately in need of counselling as well as something specific around her anxiety to. Could the parents club together and pay for this privately? Its very easy for the GP, HT and whoever else to offer flippang parenting advice but I would always want that backed up by a real offer of something helpful for that child. Dont simply cling to it because its what you want to hear. Those authorities need to be pushed. I think that you are tackling this the wrong way round and focusing on the bed rather than anxiety which is the true issue. Also you sound very over invested as a SM and I say that as a fellow SM. Let it go, just back off and relax a bit as this isn't your situation to resolve. You can love that child and support your DH but do not let yourself get caught up in a situation where you have no control. You absolutely need to step back from pick up and drop offs with immediate effect if DM is being abusive. I am presuming that the police were called due to a physical assault.

do you think 50 /50 is best for her right now ? il be honest I always think it's got to be hard on the child. She has anxiety you can't make that go away by taking trips away from her that will just make it worse. For the time being I think your husband needs to co sleep. She can't help the anxiety and probably works herself up all day knowing that she is going to have to sleep alone. Think about it like this how many adults do you know that say oh I had a terrible nights sleep last night as x was away. I know if I have been alone every noise sounds loud ECT. I co sleep I feel it's natural and when the child is ready they will move onto their own room why is this such a huge deal to you that you are allowing it to escalate to vomiting in fear? imagine how scared and worked up she is can she not just have the thing that gives her comfort? Whilst you are waiting for her appointment have you tried teaching mindfulness it's breathing and relaxation techniques , you can get it online or some places to groups , children's yoga can also be good for helping relax I don't think either of these will cure her anxiety but might be worth exploring.

I am always a bit when "pertinent" information comes out a drip feed.

Op's main reason for posting was that her SD sleeps with her mum, and that is creating issues with sleep at Dad's house.

After hearing the majority of posters telling her that punishing her SD for anxiety/throwing up is wrong, she then conveniently adds in that mum is abusive, and SD is anxious about going home.

My DD 6 sleeps with me - I love it 🥰

New baby is often a cause of insecurities - you can't ignore this possibility. I assume new baby is in its own room and not with its DF at night.

My son developed anxieties and OCD at the age of 7/8. The therapist said its the age a lot of children become more anxious because they realise they exist in a much bigger scary world.
Your SD needs strategies to cope with her anxieties. CAHMS or the council offers family resilence help where someone comes into your home to help sort out scenarios. You can also go see parenting therapists privately.
Anxiety is a very difficult thing to treat - but one thing I would say is if you are trying something and its not working than stop and try something else.
Mindfulness is something that might help - its about acknowledging the feelings and thoughts. I do make the mistake when one of my children is anxious to tell them not to worry about it and move on...it doesn't work.
The therapist did explain that people can't control their feelings so no feeling is bad or wrong - I am now saying to my children that people can't help feelings - acknowledge that you have the feeling of anxiousness for a few moments, reassure yourself you will be OK and let go the feelings. I remind them they are safe and loved. I think when children are anxious its often because they don't feel safe.
My son is almost 13 - he dealt with his anxieties when he saw a therapist a the age of 8 but he is still likes to get into our bed! He comes in every morning at around 6am. He is very cuddly so we like it!
I am getting you don't want her in your bed. Can you come to a compromise where she sleeps in your room until she gets over this period?
I don't have an issue with children sleeping in beds - infact we all have double beds just incase we need to sleep with the children if they need support or are poorly/high temperate and I want to keep on eye on them. But it does depend on why they are there. There is a chance she is in her mother's bed as the mother needs the comfort - which does change the dynamic as its a lot of pressure for the child to feel she is needed by her parent.
One thing worth considering is taking her to the shop to choose a single duvet cover she would like that she can move between the two houses. At least she would have some sense of continuity between the house moves - if she feels comfortable she might use the single duvet while sleeping with her mum which would at least give her a concept of being seperated from her mum at night. Talk to the mum about it first as you need her to agree - tell her its so she has something to comfort her which reminds her of her bed at her mother's house. If they have that close a relationship surely the mother must be worried about her not sleeping well at your house.

Can she sleep on a mattress on your bedroom floor? I know it’s ridiculous but she’s just a scared child. You can’t conteol her mum. She doesn’t deserve to be punished for her mums actions and she is just a scared child x

It sounds like she is fine with her father and step mother. The idea that she should stay with her mother because her mother is encouraging her anxiety is plain biased and weird.

People are also missing the fact that, at least at her mother’s, she is severely sleep deprived. If she is allowed to go to bed at adult time and wakes up at 6AM, she is getting at most 8 hours sleep, far too little at that age. This will, of course, contribute to her anxiety.

Having said that, OP, punishing a child for being scared and seeking comfort is not kind and will clearly increase anxiety levels.
She should be allowed into her father’s bed if she is scared and rewarded if she manages a ‘big girl’ night all on her own.

Generally, from my own experience, and from what I read on here, wanting to co-sleep is a self limiting problem. She will want her own room/bed soon enough especially if you give her some say in how it is decorated/what she keeps there.

I know of one family where two 9 and 10 year olds shared a bed with both their parents. It seemed strange and very uncomfortable to me but they are happy, well adjusted, successful teens now...so I guess it is just individual taste!

My son was still sleeping with me at around 5 years old but I knew it had to stop as I had visions of a strapping 15 year old in bed with me. We talked a lot about it and what would happen. Bought new bedding that he chose and then I told him what night he would start sleeping in his own bed. He screamed the place down the first night but I stuck it out and stayed with him, keeping him company and stroking his hair. It got better over the next few nights and by the fourth night he was fine. This can be sorted OP but you have to be persistent.

Our ds, almost 8, is going through a stage of coming into our bed around 3/4am. I think he just wakes and struggles to get himself back to sleep. He says our bed is 'magic' It's a bit annoying as our bed is not huge but we know it's a phase. Normally I allow to sleep with us for a while but will take him back to his own bed. My DH is not British so is quite ok with co-sleeping as very normal in his culture.
Why is the mum abusive? No judgement but I'd say you and your DH need to address why she is angry, is she stressed, struggling financially. The DD might be anxious because her mum is not happy. Must be hard to be the parent left to manage everything while your other half has moved on to play happy families with someone else.

I am always a bit when "pertinent" information comes out a drip feed

Me too.

Just in case the OP is genuinely interested in making life better for DSD, I would advise addressing one thing first. If 50/50 shared care is not laid out by the courts, I would advise AGREEING with mum to arrange all term time handovers at school. This means two things. Firstly, the parents do not have to come into contact with one another, so there is no cause for accusations of hostility/abuse. Secondly, the school will very quickly become aware if there is an anxiety around one or other of the parents. No disrespect, but you only see one side. The child could be equally anxious moving from mum's to your house, or could be anxious about handovers, given that you claim there is conflict.

I think you might need to read my story......

My dd was always nervous about sleeping alone. Age 9 it blew out of all proportion. Crying,vomiting, too scared to sleep. While house exhausted.

She eventually said she was too scared to sleep as she wanted to feel protected. This was the watershed.

We put a bed in our room, and all the issues stopped. Talked to loads of experts, all saying it will be a rod for your own back etc etc. This was just bollocks. They were talking about children with normal levels of anxiety, not ones with extreme anxiety.

Age 12, she will now sleep happily in her own room. It was tough, we got no privacy but it was right for her.

I was scared of sleeping alone until l was 13. My 2 Sil were the same. Google it, it’s quite common.

Punishing the anxiety will make it worse. She needs to feel safe.

When my exH and I divorced we shared custody 50/50.
That lasted for about 6 years until my exH and his new family (StepM and 2 new chilc=dren) moved house and said it was too far for my son to go there and for them to get him to school (it's about 13 miles so more inconvenient for them than too far)

At that stage, my exH refused to start paying child maintenance even though we were changing from 50/50 to my son only being with him for 2 days out of 14. So my son came to live with me full-time, which was what I'd always wanted anyway.

For those 6 years, my son had got up every night he was with me and come into my bed. He never remembered he'd done it and thought I was moving him during the night [smile}
As soon as he stopped spending time with his dad's new family, he stopped coming in to me in the night.
It turned out that he was just not happy there and was anxious about missing me.

Your poor SD needs help, not punishment or being shamed into a change of behaviour.....

Why are you making a great big deal out of her not sleeping in her own bed? There's nothing at all to suggest that it will alleviate her anxiety, only your inconvenience.

Dss would always get in our bed about 4am. Sometimes his dad was in work at that time and he came to sleep with me. It would have been horrible to turn a little boy away while he was apart from his mum. A really fucking cruel thing to do.

You say that she says that she wants to sleep in her own bed. Of course she'll say that, you've made it clear that you disapprove of her sharing. Her behaviour is telling you about her true feelings. Her anxiety is driving proximity seeking behaviour. When her mother sleeps with her, she's emotionally regulating her. When you and your dh fail to do this, she's left scrambling to deal with terrible anxiety alone. If neither you, nor her father, can offer her a secure base, you shouldn't have her overnight in these circumstances.

I'm taking what you have said about her mother with a pinch of salt, because I think most mothers would be furious with you both. Therefore, I can't be sure it speaks to her parenting overall.

Btw, if her dad wasn't with you, would he cosleep with her?

wotsittoyou

I agree with every word you’ve written.

Sadly I feel it’s one of those threads where nothing anyone says will be truly taken as sound advice and the op and her husband will carry on being cruel to the little girl thinking they know best.

Get s grip! It’s the illusion of our culture that dictates separation from our children at night. My beautiful daughter suffered greatly from anxiety as a child and it would never had occurred to me to exclude her at night. They all do things at different times and she’s simply not ready to give up that comfort yet! Stop focusing on it and relax. Childhood anxiety and depression is very under diagnosed and treated. I think they are the issues you need to be focusing on.

As a kid I used to hate sleeping alone (I still do know tbh).

I remember sleeping on the top step as I wasn't allowed down stairs, Id sleep outside my parents room, I'd sleep walk into my mums bed in the early hours. I remember having anxiety about sleeping and it was awful - I can't put my finger on it but apparently it stems from my mum putting me to bed as a toddler and going to do her shift and of wake up and she wasn't there.

Now I either fall asleep to watching something on my laptop or on the sofa. I literally cannot go to bed in a silent room by myself as I was so bored shitless having to lay in bed staring at the ceiling when I wasn't tired. Imagine waiting in a waiting room with nothing to do for three hours every day - that was me as a child.

In the end my dad would allow me to sleep on the camp bed behind the sofa and carry me up to bed when I had fallen asleep. I wasn't allow to talk or 'pop my head' around. If I did my dad said I'd have to go to my room. I'd literally fall asleep in 5 minutes. Having sleep anxiety is a real problem and if she falls asleep in your bed and you can carry her into her own bed let her.