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Original poster

My Stepdaughters mum let's her share her bed.

154 replies

Mholley · 27/04/2019 22:44

Hi,
I'm not normally someone who would actively seek help like this online but we are really stuck as to what to do.
My stepdaughter who is 7 is still sharing a bed with her mum (We have lots of issues with her mum and she can be very unreasonable) and she now gets so scared at bed time she is throwing up. Adding to this, she is going to sleep way later than is expected of a 7 year old because she goes to bed at the same time as mother and then waking up at 6. We go through good patches and bad patches but over the last couple of months it has grown progressively worse, as has her anxiety. Both her head teacher and our GP have told her mum that sharing a bed is not ideal and at 7 she should really be sleeping on her own, especially considering that 50% of her life is spent at our house where she has to sleep in her own bed. They have explained that she needs to create her own independence and this in turn will help with her anxiety but she doesn't seem to care.
We have tried everything to try and get her to sleep in her own bed. We've tried positive reinforcement, taking treats/pocket money away. We've tried the soft approach and stayed with her until she falls asleep and we've tried leaving her on her own. We've got to the point where no one (apart from the baby) is getting a good night's sleep, which in turn makes it harder as she is getting to the point of being so over tired. Also we are all missing out as a family as the things and days out we have planned we are having to take away from her as it's the only thing she seems to care about! Any suggestions would be much appreciated!

OP posts:

implantsandaDyson · 27/04/2019 23:13

When you use the term GP - is it grandparents or doctor? Because how is your Dr discussing this with the childs mum? Is it professionally/socially? and I'm not going to touch the school principal being involved and giving unsolicited parenting advice.

Punishing a 7 year old for being frightened isn't going to improve anything, she's not all of a sudden going to go "yes you're right, well done for the tough love"

SirVixofVixHall · 27/04/2019 23:13

I feel deeply sorry for this little girl.

MaudeLynne · 27/04/2019 23:13

The headteacher and the GP have said it's 'not ideal'??

If they have, which I doubt, they say it's not ideal, and guess what, a child throwing up from stress at bedtime is not bloody ideal either. Take a good long read of what you've written and stop behaving so horribly towards a child with no stability, a new sibling, and two bedrooms, two households and two mothers. FFS.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

7 year olds Babies & sleep Children's sleep Families

Fairylea · 27/04/2019 23:14

Maybe the mum is feeling scared by the fact you’re talking about her to the head teacher and the gp and feels she can’t co sleep in the way she’d like to because she’s so judged.. and that’s why she’s changing her stance on it?

I don’t agree with physical violence at all but what is triggering it off? I think there’s a lot more going on here.

HeddaGarbled · 27/04/2019 23:14

I don’t think it’s reasonable to blame this on the mum. This little girl is being sick because she’s scared at bedtime? That’s severe anxiety. Somewhat unsympathetic of everyone to expect her mum to tough that out night after night with no support, just criticism.

It’s become a battleground. I think you all need to back off for several months and then seek some expert help, and I don’t mean the GP and the head-teacher, both of whom are being spectacularly unhelpful and condemnatory.

Mintandthyme · 27/04/2019 23:14

Would it not occur to you that the screaming and shouting is all as a result of the issues that have developed as a result of the acrimonious relationship between the 3 adults in her life??

MoreSlidingDoors · 27/04/2019 23:14

She’s 7 - a scary age developmentally.
She’s seen her parents break up.
She splits her time between her parents.
She has a step sibling.
She is anxious.

You and your H are twats for having any issue whatsoever with this. You cannot fix issues you have with her mother using her.

(My nearly 9 year old is snuggled up next to me as we speak.)

Original poster

Mholley · 27/04/2019 23:14

We have tried this, however we find when she wants to tr back in her own bed she finds it harder so we've gone back to sleeping with her until she sleeps.

OP posts:

holikaholika · 27/04/2019 23:14

Sounds like the kid is stuck in the middle of a load of adults who need their heads banging together - no wonder she's anxious! Her mother may be awful but what you've just written still doesn't excuse how you've treated this little girl. In fact it makes the fact that you punish her by taking away the only thing she enjoys even worse.

PorpentinaScamander · 27/04/2019 23:15

My 12 year old, NT DS2 slept in my bed last night. He doesn't have anxiety or anything else. He just wanted to be with me. He slept in there most nights until 2 years ago.
If his stepmum dared to speak to me about my parenting choice I would certainly have something to say!

ILoveMaxiBondi · 27/04/2019 23:15

We have asked her what she wants and she mostly does want to try sleeping by herself

She says she does. For two reasons 1) she knows that’s what you want to hear 2) she doesn’t want to sleep in your bed with you, she wants to sleep in her mums bed, but she can’t at your house.

Branleuse · 27/04/2019 23:15

I think this is upsetting. That poor child.

Crazy ex eh?

Heymummee · 27/04/2019 23:17

The shouting and screaming is probably as a result of her anxiety, rather than her just being naughty so I will echo previous posters in saying punishment is the wrong approach. She probably doesn’t understand how to process what she is feeling and acts out for attention, albeit negative attention.

The GP should refer her for CBT. My son (he’s 11) was referred after just one appointment where we discussed his anxiety and how it was affecting his day to day life. There was a wait of around 6 weeks and he’s had 4 sessions now and is already showing massive improvement. He likes to sleep in bed with me and always has. Most of the time he sleeps happily in his own room, but if he’s particularly anxious, like he was the other night before going back to school, he sleeps with me.

I would say until you get some structured help for her for her anxiety, do whatever it takes to help her cope and feel better in the mean time and if that means bed sharing then you would be completely unseasonable to stop that from happening, at your house or her mum’s.

Bluebellee · 27/04/2019 23:17

My DD was like this, she didn't stop sleeping in my bed until she was around 11, I was never super strict about staying in her own bed as she was a very anxious child and it would only lead to unnecessary arguing and a lack of sleep. She eventually simply grew out of it. If your stepdaughter is so anxious she's being sick I think you need to take her anxiety more seriously and not punish her for it. Perhaps instead say if she stays in the own bed for a full night you'll take her on a day out of her choice

ICanTuckMyBoobsInMyPockets · 27/04/2019 23:18

None of the additional stuff you've mentioned is relevant to her co-sleeping.

My 7 to sometimes asks to sleep with me and DH, sometimes just me, sometimes me and the baby.

Who cares? He sleeps better, he and his brother cuddle each other in their sleep.

Co-sleeping is not a problem for you to be solving, especially blaming her mother for it.

Heymummee · 27/04/2019 23:18

And it sounds like you all have issues to work through, she’s stuck in the middle poor thing.

cestlavielife · 27/04/2019 23:18

It s clearly a difficult situation but focusing on bed sharing is the wrong thing to focus on. Co sleeping is not the root of all evil.

Let her sleep with her dad or mattress on the floor same room and do whatever it takes for her to feel less anxious.

Look at all her behaviour as what is she communicating? Her anxiety and confusion. Read "how to talk so kids will listen.."
You could seek support from a family therapist for advice

Shockers · 27/04/2019 23:19

My eldest slept in my bed until he was around 9. I’d separated from his dad and he needed the reassurance.

He’s now 31, well adjusted and in a healthy relationship.

If that’s what she needs now, give it to her.

SirVixofVixHall · 27/04/2019 23:20

“ we don’t punish her for throwing up”
Well that’s a relief
She is so anxious and keen to please that she is vomiting from fear and stress and you are not radically changing things to make her happier ?
Maybe she would be better off not doing any overnights with you and her Dad until she is old enough and happy enough to cope with them without throwing up.
You are the adults, sort it out. Bloody hell.

OrchidInTheSun · 27/04/2019 23:20

How absolutely foul to cancel days out because a child is anxious about sleeping on her own.

yumyumpoppycat · 27/04/2019 23:21

I can understand that this is tricky, disturbed sleep is really difficult. My 8 year can be quite anxious, and wold often will come to my bed if she has a bad dream or wakes early and wants a cuddle. It was getting a bit much so I talked to her and said if you wake up can you try to close your eyes and go back to sleep, but if you have a bad dream and need to come for a cuddle that's fine, it is a lot more infrequent now since then. I am not sure when I am going to ask her to stop altogether but assume she will grow out of it!

I would giver her your sd a hug and talk to her and ask her what she thinks would be a good solution, explaining you want her to get a good night sleep and also you and her dad, but at the same time you are there if she needs you. I agree a mattress on your floor might be best and suggest she sleeps in her own bed but only comes in to sleep on the mattress if she really needs to. The fact she is sharing a bed with her mum isn't really your business and isn't that out of the ordinary.

Original poster

Mholley · 27/04/2019 23:21

The school asked both parents to come in as my sd disclosed to a member of staff that her mum's behaviour towards us had been upsetting her. They also both went to the gp as her anxiety isn't always at bedtime but also when she goes back to mum's house

OP posts:

Bluebellee · 27/04/2019 23:21

Also I'm not sure if this would help but perhaps something comforting in her bed, a new blanket, a night light, something like that. Search up some techniques to reduce anxiety that you can teach her so she can start calm herself down before it gets worse

Branleuse · 27/04/2019 23:21

bribes for staying in own bed wont work with an anxious child, even if you can get them to stay in their bed, they wont be sleeping, theyll be frightened.
Depends what you want to achieve I guess. For them to not be anxious in the night, or to just shut the fuck up, no matter what the cost?

The child needs to feel safe at night and not feel abandoned and frightened.
I bet she sleeps better in her mums bed.

Original poster

Mholley · 27/04/2019 23:22

The GP have referred her but there is such a long wait

OP posts:

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