My Stepdaughters mum let's her share her bed.

[Mholley]

Hi,
I'm not normally someone who would actively seek help like this online but we are really stuck as to what to do.
My stepdaughter who is 7 is still sharing a bed with her mum (We have lots of issues with her mum and she can be very unreasonable) and she now gets so scared at bed time she is throwing up. Adding to this, she is going to sleep way later than is expected of a 7 year old because she goes to bed at the same time as mother and then waking up at 6. We go through good patches and bad patches but over the last couple of months it has grown progressively worse, as has her anxiety. Both her head teacher and our GP have told her mum that sharing a bed is not ideal and at 7 she should really be sleeping on her own, especially considering that 50% of her life is spent at our house where she has to sleep in her own bed. They have explained that she needs to create her own independence and this in turn will help with her anxiety but she doesn't seem to care.
We have tried everything to try and get her to sleep in her own bed. We've tried positive reinforcement, taking treats/pocket money away. We've tried the soft approach and stayed with her until she falls asleep and we've tried leaving her on her own. We've got to the point where no one (apart from the baby) is getting a good night's sleep, which in turn makes it harder as she is getting to the point of being so over tired. Also we are all missing out as a family as the things and days out we have planned we are having to take away from her as it's the only thing she seems to care about! Any suggestions would be much appreciated!

Given the circumstances I would get her father to sit with her in her bedroom until she falls asleep for as long as it takes, until she builds up trust and feels safe. FWIW, 7 is an age where massive brain development occurs, she is becoming more aware of herself and the world around her. I have a similar aged child who had a massive wobble at bedtime before the start of the new term. Worried and anxious, lots of tears etc. At 11pm I took them into sleep with me and dh slept on side. They were sleeping in 2 mins. Been fine since. So it's not unusual for children to find nighttime difficult, even at 7, and even for typically developing children who haven't experienced parental separation.

You need to back off from the sleeping issue. Let her sleep where she feels safest. Don't try to fix it. It helps her.
The rest is what you try to fix. So communication with the mother. Hangovers could maybe be done by someone else so she never sees it.

You have this all wrong . Dad is struggling with anxiety. You don’t reward not been anxious . You help her cope with anxiety . Work through issues .

Where she sleeps is irrelevant. Trying to promote a positive relationship together .

Can drop off and Collin be done at school to avoid conflict?

I know your situation is different but at 7, my daughter still came in most nights, it's stopped that school year, year 3 but it was just because she needed reassurance.

I’m not entirely sure it’s the mum who is in the wrong here. It’s pretty normal to go through a phase of being scared around that age without the upset of having your parent’s split up. I used to feel scared and go into my parent’s bed around that age a lot. They never said no or punished me. I grew out of it and I’m a happy adult. I think you are pretty cruel to punish a child who is scared at night to be honest. I’d have thought that would have a far more negative effect than a child sleeping happily by their parent.

As for the headteacher commenting on her sleeping in her mum’s bed, I’m not entirely sure what it has to do with them. Our daughter is in reception and is currently asleep by my side in our bed, I honestly couldn’t imagine a teacher telling me how to parent in such a way.

Just let her sleep where she wants .. her anxiety and upset is caused by parents splitting up and placing her in turmoil . It’s very very hard for some children to have to cope with two homes .. most adults would hate it . Everything is a stage and these sort of issues should be treated with huge live snd hnderstznding no matter how much of a pain it is .
I really feel for this poor child . It’s horrible , stability and a sense of safety is everything

Wanting to cosleep isn't the problem. It's just a symptom. The anxiety is the problem. Addressing this by bribing her to sleep in her own bed is like treating pneumonia with cough syrup.

PlantPotParrot this child cannot wait a year. Waiting for a court date is going to damage her. She’s witnessing abuse by her mother which is abuse and I don’t understand why neither the school nor the GP nor her father have made contact with children’s services.

Were you the ow?

What is the purpose of court and mediation? Are you pushing for further custody? The sleeping thing- I agree you should be led by what she wants to do instead of pushing constantly what you want to do. The assault issues- obviously that's not acceptable. Can hand overs not be done at school- one parent drops off in the morning, other parent collect so there is no contact between them, and that's minimised? I don't believe cosleeping is necessarily wrong, but if she is having anxiety to the point of vomiting, I'm sorry, but maybe instead of the parents thinking only of themselves, she needs to have more time at one house and not the 50/50 model they have pushed for at present. Maybe she needs more time at one place only, and to feel more secure than moving every few days?

This is clearly a complex situation and not one that a Headteacher or a GP are qualified to deal with! GP has made a referral so is acknowledging that your dsd needs specialist support.

In the meantime, follow your dd's lead. She is not trying to avoid her fears because she is saying she wants to try and sleep in her own room. But right now she can't do it.

Please dont use rewards in this situation because that implies that it is something she has control over. And from what you have written she is overwhelmed by anxiety, so is not able to control whether or not she can stay in the room by herself.

Use support and acceptance and love.

I think its wrong of you to speak to headteacher and gp, afterall you aren't her mum, my dd slept in my bed for a few years with me, no problem with it in my eyes and seeing a child so upset is not right. My ex h new partner isn't too keen on her own dd let alone mine and i would tell her to stop interfering.
My dd is now a happy 14 year old and has been in her own room for years, and when she has her friend for sleepover they have been known to come and sit on my bed in the morning.
Punishing your step daughter is not the way to go.

.

Where's your H in all this, I wonder? How much of this situation is he manipulating? There are men who really get off on having women fight over them or at least compete for their attention - why did his relationship with his DD's mother break down in the first place? If the idea that punishment is the best way to deal with disobedient girls and women comes from him, no wonder the kid is anxious and the mother angry.

Why does your partner have your dsd 50% of the time? Did he do 50% of the childcare before the split with his ex?

It sounds like your dsd has separation anxiety, unsurprising having such an upheaval having to go between two homes at seven years old. She probably doesn't know if she's coming or going and this is manifesting itself in severe anxiety.

The fact you've talked about punishing her, whilst at the same time saying she's actually sick with fear from this is very disturbing.

Are you and your H in fact pushing for full custody? Do you discuss this in front of the little girl, or where she can hear you? I wonder if her anxiety has anything to do with her thinking you are going to take her away from her mother.

Her mum is continually verbally abusive during pick up and drop offs, she has physically attacked both me and my partner in front of my step daughter. We have been desperately trying to get more support for her anxiety but the GPs that we have spoken to at the surgery are saying that it is not bad enough to pushing further. Her mother refuses to attend mediation sessions even though they are court ordered so now we have to wait until it can go in front of a judge which could be up to a year.

This was what the OP said was happening with SD's mum, so court order is because mum is refusing mediation. Btw Sorry if my previous message was confusing I thought the shouting was happening at school.

What is she being verbally abusive about?

It must have been upsetting for SD to see the mum hitting you I am not surprised she is anxious.

So how long ago did your partner and his ex separate?

What is the reason for the angry behaviour by your SDD's mother at contact/pick up time? I'm guessing there are still bad feelings around the separation? This will have an impact on your SDD and it is the responsibility of all adults concerned to ensure that contact exchange goes smoothly, using a third party if needed.

I am aware that co-sleeping is frowned upon by health / child care / social work professionals and that if there is multi agency support around your SSD this is the advice they will give (and why the HT would be involved)

Personally I think it's a load of shite - myself and DH both co-slept with DS at 7 years old. Ten years later he's more than independent! And if anything I would think it makes children feel more secure and a little girl who has seen the people she loves most split up and behave abusively to each other needs security, love and stability . A cuddle at night is an easy way to reassure her.

It's not necessarily her mother doing everything wrong. It may just be how she is. One of my DD's happily slept alone and never had any issues, the other shared my bed until the age of 9 until she felt confident enough to sleep alone. I was single so it was easy for me to allow it. Less easy for you, but the main thing is to help her feel safe if you want her to get over this. Would it help her to go to sleep with a DVD playing, or with a dozen nightlights dotted around the room? It may help to admit defeat for a while and just let her sleep in your bed.

Stepmothers mostly get a raw deal on here which is something I don’t agree with, however I’d love to hear the little girls DM side of the story on this one.
Poor little girl, I used to be sick with anxiety as a child, I got punished for it, it caused a phobia and even more anxiety.
I see no issue with a 7 yr old sleeping with her mum, my DD used to, she used to get into my bed at 15 when my DS was co sleeping with me. She’s now 23 and an independent well rounded human being.
Imagine being told in 7 years time that outsiders think it’s unhealthy for you to sleep with your DC, you might feel a little angry, possibly enough to be a bit abusive maybe?
I would let her stay with her mother at night and her DF sees her only during the day.

DD6 is at her Dads almost 50:50 but when she's with me, she wants to be as close as possible - if I let her, she wouldn't go to bed until I did (although I sometimes go up really early anyway) - more often than not, she sleeps in my bed, if not all night then she comes in part way through the night or first thing in the morning. It's not a problem as far as I'm concerned- it helps her feel secure & settled so it's fine by me.

You are being seriously unreasonable and just so very, very awful to this poor little child. If her mum is a fraction as bad as you say she is then you are being even more unreasonable to add to the child's distress. Please take this seriously and do absolutely everything you are doing differently and stop being so awful to this poor kid.

This thread is so sad. My 10 year old (yes 10!) DD regularly climbs into bed with us after a bad dream or being too anxious to sleep. That’s normal. Your DSD is struggling on her own between warring parents, a new sibling (replacement of her?) and uncertainty over the future. She must feel so insecure yet you are punishing her for this. I suggest you back off big time, let your DH do the parenting of DSD and get him to try rebuilding a trusting relationship with his daughter. She literally doesn’t feel safe - why isn’t DH helping her build a sense of security?
Please be a bit kinder to her.

Hi, I am the person who posted originally but I am having problems with my account.
I think what I posted was a half baked attempt in desperation as I was cleaning sick off my bathroom wall. This situation is far more complicated that what I have written and actually is something that perhaps I shouldn't have vented on here. I also didn't want this to become a situation where I completely laid in to her mum, which obviously did not come across.
I just want to reiterate that we do not punish her being sick, we are banging on every door possible to try and get the support to help with anxiety.
I was in her situation at the same age although my parents were not quite as volatile so I do know how it feels to be shipped from house to house. I also know that no matter what she needs her mum. Her mum is her mum and nothing will change that.
I also want you all to know how much I adore this child.
We have tried everything with the sleeping and I was simply wondering if anyone had anything they had tried. This has given me a lot of perspective and some things to try and to refocus on. Thankyou.

My daughter went through an anxious period for a few years after I split from her father. She was OK for short visits at her dad's but the longer the visit then the more clingy she would be with me immediately after she returned and she would co-sleep with me for the next few days.

We do not have a 50/50 shared care arrangement and I'm uncertain if she would cope with it at that age. I disagree with many of my ex's and his partners parenting techniques and needed to hold onto my temper at drop-offs and collections.

I asked for advice on the anxiety and co-sleeping by specialist child health professionals not a non-specific gp or headteacher. I spoke with the SENCO also. I encouraged her to sleep alone and to try in her own bed every night but she was allowed to come through when I went to bed if she was still struggling.

My ex was more concerned about being able to have sex than anything else.