Could I Be Being Groomed At 48 ?

[WhoIsJonSnow]

I’ve been with my DP for 3 years.
He has always had an alternative sex lifestyle.
In the beginning I was besotted with him & went along with anything he suggested. Stupid I know now on hindsight.
We partook in threesomes & looking back I was always so off my tree I joined in.
He would always berate me after - I didn’t give him enough attention during the evening...
He was the sole instigator of any meets & will spend hours cultivating conversations so we meet the ‘right’ couple.
It’s always been for me - he always maintains he gets nothing out of it but we always argue for days after a meet as I’ve failed in some way.
I came home from work today to a list of instructions on the stairs regarding how I should be dressed to come upstairs etc.
I’m knackered- I just want to sit down.
I failed & now he keeps saying I can’t follow instructions.
He has also set up a met with one of his friends this weekend without any conversation.
I’m not stupid but I’m sat here now thinking- he is actually grooming me & i’ve let myself be led for his kicks
Is this possible?

Setting you free!

My ARSE as Jim Royle would say. DO you feel ''free'' ?? Or do you feel like you're walking a fucking tightrope?

Freedom will come from no longer caring what this jackass wants.

Walk away. Take that bag that you have already packed. Run. So. Fast.

My ex has transferred some money so I can leave tonight.
We had a traumatic divorce but 26 years of marriage still stands for something.
I feel amazingly liberated.
It’s not too late
I can start again
I don’t even care for the ‘stuff ‘ I’ll leave behind.
I just literally felt like I was going insane.
I would look in the mirror & see a ghost

Oh OP nothing more to add just stay safe

Well done op
I really hope you get out safe

We're all waiting and watching and hoping for a happy ending, OP! Go now!

That's really good news op. Well done for acting on your realisation that this is abusive and wrong.

I should imagine you are going to need some emotional support going forward. You have been through a traumatic experience.

The Freedom Programme sounds like a good idea for a start.

You can absolutely start again.

This is not your fault.
You have done nothing wrong.
He is an abusive arsehole.

Crikey, that is a seriously scary situation to find yourself in.

He is an abuser, treating you like a live in prostitute.

I'm glad you've seen the light op. He will no doubt go to great lengths to win you back, stay strong.

What do you think would happen if you just said 'Hahahaha, NOPE' to one of his instructions? While there are people who willingly and happily live out this kind of DS relationship where one partner is in overall charge, the ones who are able to keep it healthy and happy are the ones who a) discussed it thoroughly before they ever started and b) do it in the full understanding that it's a game and either partner can go 'Nah don't feel like it tonight, let's have cold pizza in our pyjamas and watch telly instead.'

I think you need to get rid of this tiresome man, but also look in to some counselling for yourself about why you were so willing to go along with his ideas in the first place when you don't appear to have much enthusiasm for kink. If you have had previous experience of abuse and being bullied, to the point where you find it very hard to say 'hang on a minute' to even the most outrageous requests, you need to get that sorted with the help of a supportive expert.

Oh OP well done for having such clarity. That just shows you were in a really bad place and he took advantage of you. I am so so proud of you - you are a winner for all the women out there who have been in this kind of relationship.

I had a very kinky ex of four years - my god he did a number on my self esteem with his demands. It was never enough. Any 'romance' had to lead to one thing. I left him because it was awful and have just (several years on) realised he was a narcissist.

It's a shock but please don't beat yourself up about why this happened. Just commit not to repeat the pattern and do some exploratory work into your relationships. Do the freedom programme and find yourself a counsellor.

It took me too long to not be embarrassed and think there wasn't something wrong with me - I honestly thought I was boring in bed. In reality he told me this then set me ridiculous things to do. I couldn't gauge how normal it was and frankly half the people I spoke to confused me. It's not right for you, that's all that matters. . So much happier now xx

Thank goodness for your ex!
Well done for getting away tonight.
Do everything you can to stay safe.

You don't need to give up your job, do you? You just need to find somewhere else to live. I'm so glad you've decided to leave.

JonSnow doesn’t know about this but I think we need to give her the night we know she wants

That's the single most chilling post I've ever seen on here. Thank God you're leaving before this. Its frightening to think what they have planned

I'm glad that your ex has been supportive. Please let us know when you are out and safe somewhere.

Yes, that and the sheeting, Redglitter

Please download the Bright Sky app OP. It'll prove you information and support and a safe diary to keep notes, photos and recordings should you need to.

"Provide"

Stay safe x

The entire swinging scene is a tiny minority of the general population, less than 5 percent. Then out of those only a small percentage are couples where the female partner is genuinely interested. It suits some people but not many, not at all! You don't have to be part of it if you don't want to be, much less so on such dangerous controlling terms.

YOU CAN START AGAIN. I'm your age OP and I'm very happy now and so much happier than I was in my 30s so don't make the mistake of thinking that you've made your bed and you have to accept this nonsense now.

I was manipulated too a decade a go and I know these types don't let you away easily so don't give him examples of what he's done that eroded your boundaries. He will just ARGUE with you and exhaust you. The only way to get rid of these types is to say that you GOT TURNED OFF by his tastes, by your own acceptance of his manipulation and that you feel completely shut down and Asexual around him now and that you could never sleep with him again because you feel so irrevocably turned off. Dripping tap. Ad Nauseum. I dated a man who turned out to be a voyeur and the only way to penetrate their bullshit is to just sit there feeling revolted. Don't try and win his approval. Be unapologetically turned OFF. Promise you, it's the way they'll let you go.

Thank did you've had the moment of clarity! He sounds like a proper weirdo and he has preyed on you when you are vulnerable which is abusive. Karma will get him

*god

Well done,OP

Oh good, thank goodness. Please let us know when you are out and safe.

Please leave the house tonight and get yourself somewhere safe. Have you got a travel inn type place within an hours drive. I really would not Rusk staying in the house with him tonight. Take care.

*risk