Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Could I Be Being Groomed At 48 ?

228 replies

WhoIsJonSnow · 17/04/2019 19:46

I’ve been with my DP for 3 years.
He has always had an alternative sex lifestyle.
In the beginning I was besotted with him & went along with anything he suggested. Stupid I know now on hindsight.
We partook in threesomes & looking back I was always so off my tree I joined in.
He would always berate me after - I didn’t give him enough attention during the evening...
He was the sole instigator of any meets & will spend hours cultivating conversations so we meet the ‘right’ couple.
It’s always been for me - he always maintains he gets nothing out of it but we always argue for days after a meet as I’ve failed in some way.
I came home from work today to a list of instructions on the stairs regarding how I should be dressed to come upstairs etc.
I’m knackered- I just want to sit down.
I failed & now he keeps saying I can’t follow instructions.
He has also set up a met with one of his friends this weekend without any conversation.
I’m not stupid but I’m sat here now thinking- he is actually grooming me & i’ve let myself be led for his kicks
Is this possible?

OP posts:
Original poster
WhoIsJonSnow · 17/04/2019 20:12

I can stay with my son.
I know I need to do it but the only thing that’s holding me back is my job is here & it’s quite literally my only income would be gone. I know I’m more important & I can start again I just have to take that step.

OP posts:
Gruzinkerbell1 · 17/04/2019 20:13

He’s abusing you You need to get out while the fog has cleared and you’re thinking clearly. Before he can manipulate you into believing his bullshit again. Do you have a friend you can stay with?

Noninonino · 17/04/2019 20:14

It sounds like you are paying your way via indulging in his various fantasies and he knows you are stuck so that’s the problem

winecigsandchoc · 17/04/2019 20:15

Find somewhere else to rent. Refinance. Speak to the formal support structures you have at work. Have you been there for more than 6months/ the probationary period?

LTB. If your sex life has become or always was coercive and alchohol/drug fuelled and the fog has finally lifted then enable yourself to leave.

Scott72 · 17/04/2019 20:16

The term "grooming" is now strongly associated with underage teens and children. So I wouldn't say he's grooming you. Abusing you maybe.

TatianaLarina · 17/04/2019 20:17

You can be abused at any age.

I hope you manage to get out. Flowers

Original poster
WhoIsJonSnow · 17/04/2019 20:18

Noninonino - i think you’ve nailed it. He has always been the one to pay for meals, shopping etc because I didn’t have anything.
Now I’m earning, meeting people he seems to have stepped up his mission of us meeting others without any consultation.
And I want to make it clear I do not contribute or say I’m interested. I’m not . I just feel trapped with no alternative.

OP posts:
Spotsandstars · 17/04/2019 20:21

RUN RUN RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Noninonino · 17/04/2019 20:22

You aren’t trapped and that’s what you need to realise. You are free. Do you understand that - you are free. Rent a room and keep your job. Move out from his place. You are free. All you need to do is take one step forward and the rest will never be as bad as they are now even when they are bad. Good luck

Amongstthetallgrass · 17/04/2019 20:25

Oh Christ. Love you’ve got to leave.

What a fucking weirdo he is.

Wake up lovey and get out of there.

labazsisgoingmad · 17/04/2019 20:25

he sounds awful your body your life run

GinZing · 17/04/2019 20:27

What nonino says. You really are free to leave. Go now while you have clarity OP

LarryGreysonsDoor · 17/04/2019 20:28

Oh my love. Thank goodness you have realised. When you are wrapped up in a relationship like this it can be very hard to see what is really happening.
This man is abusive and he knows he has found a vulnerable divorcee that he can control.
Leave and don’t look back.

justthecat · 17/04/2019 20:30

Get your bag packed and get out of there. NOW.
There is nothing good for you there.
LEAVE

Original poster
WhoIsJonSnow · 17/04/2019 20:31

For the past year I’ve had a bag packed.
Tonight after a full day at work & then supermarket I failed the day because I didn’t buy a plastic sheet.
I came in the door to a lipstick, a drink & a sex toy on the stairs.
This evening has been a complete eye opener but one that is long overdue.
I’ve messaged my son to ask if I can sleep on his floor- I’m not proud & I just know I need my life back

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 17/04/2019 20:31

God, he's awful.

He was into all that shit before you met him but he's saying he's doing it for you? And he's pimping you out to one of his friends this weekend - whose benefit is that for?

I would get a taxi out of there tonight.

LordWheresMyShoes · 17/04/2019 20:31

So, just to be clear... are you in a consensual D/S relationship? One which was properly negotiated and where you have a way to veto?

Have you told him you don't want to meet others, play these games, or be ordered to do tasks?

Petalflowers · 17/04/2019 20:32

If you feel trapped, then it’s definitely time to move out. No one should feel trapped in their own home.

Is there a woman’s refuge you can move to?

Masie24 · 17/04/2019 20:32

Please, now, no more to do with this controlling and disturbed individual. Are you safe now - away from the house? If you have no where to stay tonight, call the police for help to go to a women's refuge.

Then make plans. You are worth so much more. Get help in the morning. Police, CAB, a lawyer. Tell your employer there's an urgent problem that you need to sort out. Fall back on genuine friends.

Petalflowers · 17/04/2019 20:33

‘Failed the day’! What on eart are you talking about?!

sackrifice · 17/04/2019 20:34

Go to your sons the soonest that you can, rent somewhere and keep the job.

Ditch this abusive piece of scum.

Noninonino · 17/04/2019 20:35

It’s safe to say that you have succeeded today because your tomorrow won’t involve being controlled and ruled by his weird expectations.

Margot33 · 17/04/2019 20:37

Please leave my lovely. Stay with your son until you get back on your feet. Dont allow yourself to be trapped with him until you die. Free yourself away from him. You can always get another job. Sending you hugs.

1wearpurple · 17/04/2019 20:37

I don't know where in the country you live, but would a small local B&B give you a good weekly rate? A friend of mine has just started running a B&B in the south of England and she's charging just about £100 a week for a room which isn't bad if you're in a tight spot and it's just you and no kids/pets? It might be worth ringing round if you can.

LuluBellaBlue · 17/04/2019 20:37

Well done, don’t be hard on yourself. You’ve made the first step and the worst is over, you’ll never have to do anything with the horrible dick splat - or anyone else - ever again!!!
Use this as a HUGE life lesson, I too learnt the hard way about what I do and don’t want, boundaries, being absolutely clear on consent etc.
Best of luck with your new found life Flowers

Swipe left for the next trending thread