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Original poster

Could I Be Being Groomed At 48 ?

228 replies

WhoIsJonSnow · 17/04/2019 19:46

I’ve been with my DP for 3 years.
He has always had an alternative sex lifestyle.
In the beginning I was besotted with him & went along with anything he suggested. Stupid I know now on hindsight.
We partook in threesomes & looking back I was always so off my tree I joined in.
He would always berate me after - I didn’t give him enough attention during the evening...
He was the sole instigator of any meets & will spend hours cultivating conversations so we meet the ‘right’ couple.
It’s always been for me - he always maintains he gets nothing out of it but we always argue for days after a meet as I’ve failed in some way.
I came home from work today to a list of instructions on the stairs regarding how I should be dressed to come upstairs etc.
I’m knackered- I just want to sit down.
I failed & now he keeps saying I can’t follow instructions.
He has also set up a met with one of his friends this weekend without any conversation.
I’m not stupid but I’m sat here now thinking- he is actually grooming me & i’ve let myself be led for his kicks
Is this possible?

OP posts:

Livpool · 17/04/2019 20:38

Good for you OP - he sounds awful. This is not a living relationship.

Good luck xx

sackrifice · 17/04/2019 20:39

And don't forget to do the Freedom Programme once you are away.

I cannot get over how worried I am for you. Please take care.

AnxietyForever · 17/04/2019 20:40

What happens if you say no?
I hope you find the courage to leave. It won't be easy at first but you won't regret leaving in the long run.
Hopefully you will find someone who treats you well in the future.
Good luck OP.

woodcutbirds · 17/04/2019 20:41

God he sounds boring as well as controlling. What toss 'setting you free' to do what he wants.
Of cours eyou have choices. You have a better job than before, and more income, that will give you some mid-way choices. At the very least you could rent a cheap local airbnb somewhere for a couple of weeks so you can stay on at work and decide what to do next.
Do you have any friends at work who might help you out temporarily?

HollowTalk · 17/04/2019 20:41

What do you mean by 'off your tree'? I'm worried about that drink he's given you tonight.

lyralalala · 17/04/2019 20:43

OP I really hope you can get your way out soon.

You are truly seeing him for what he is!

Is he like a Dom or something?

This is such a common myth. A Dom (a proper one, not one who watched 50 shades and think being controlling and being a dom is the same thing) has the welfare of his sub at heart. He wouldn't be breaking the OP's spirit or berating her for getting things wrong.

He's abusive, not dominant.

titchy · 17/04/2019 20:44

Leave now. He will kill you and his defence will be that it was a sex game that went wrong. He'll use all those previous occasions as proof this was something you were into.

Original poster

WhoIsJonSnow · 17/04/2019 20:45

If I say no I’m almost sent to Coventry. Days of no speaking.
It was the evening that he set up with his friend that has sent me over the edge.
He screenshot the message ‘ JonSnow doesn’t know about this but I think we need to give her the night we know she wants ‘
I actually just felt like a whore & sick when I read it

OP posts:

sackrifice · 17/04/2019 20:46

I'm not surprised.

When can you get out?

Haffiana · 17/04/2019 20:46

Have you ever said no?

Tinkoschminko · 17/04/2019 20:47

Oh god. These are the kinds of men you run from.

Haffiana · 17/04/2019 20:48

Do you want to say no?

MiMiMaguire · 17/04/2019 20:49

Please leave today.

He is abusing, degrading, demaning you.

He has no respect for your own autonomy over your own body.
He thinks youre his play thing, his property.

He is also manipulating and gas lighting you by telling you he is "setting you free"... when in reality he is getting his jollies at your detriment.

I dread to even think what he wanted a plastic sheet for.

All of this is fine is BOTH parties are into it (and reaffirming they are both into it regularly).

if i walked in to find a sex toy waiting for me with no encouragement from me, id do a 360 and walk straight back out for the very last time.

Please please please follow through on leaving this sicko.
He is pimping you out to his friends.. that alone is your reason to leave.

You're not his toy. Keep repeating that to yourself.

Xenadog · 17/04/2019 20:50

Get the hell out and don’t look back.

LordNibbler · 17/04/2019 20:50

‘ JonSnow doesn’t know about this but I think we need to give her the night we know she wants ‘ Sounds a bit rapey to me.

Serin · 17/04/2019 20:51

I also wondered what you meant by "off your tree"? If you have addiction issues it could be that he is using this as a form of abuse as well.
Does he tell you that you will never cope without him?
You will OP, you will cope. There is help available. I'd go to my sons for a couple of days then speak to womens aid for advice re alternative accomodation.
Good Luck.

UCOinanOCG · 17/04/2019 20:51

Holy crap. Get the hell out of there ASAP.

QueenBeex · 17/04/2019 20:51

He's using you as a live in sex slave to lend to his friends to use and abuse.
Ring the police if he tries to stop you from leaving, ask your son if he can come collect you, him turning up might stop your partner from forcing you to stay.
You do not need to have sex with anyone for his satisfaction.
You don't need to complete his tasks or orders
You have the right to say no and you have the right to be listened to
Him not speaking to you for days would be a good thing, you don't need to listen to him talking down to you
He sounds like a dangerous predator with no respect for woman, especially you.

AnxietyForever · 17/04/2019 20:52

Is he getting paid for it OP?
Can't you kick him out? Is he on the tenancy? Change the locks?

Monsa · 17/04/2019 20:52

Please leave

Waytooearly · 17/04/2019 20:53

I don't have anything to add,except you sound lovely and you deserve someone equally kind and thoughtful!

myidentitymycrisis · 17/04/2019 20:53

OP he has set you free, free to realise that he is abusing you, to realise that you have options and free to recognise that it is your choice to leave immediately.

You can thank him for that on the way out

for you

justthecat · 17/04/2019 20:53

Please just leave this is so wrong, even it’s a B and B tonight

MollysLips · 17/04/2019 20:55

I don't see why moving out means you have to give up your lovely job. Couldn't you rent a room somewhere?

Singlenotsingle · 17/04/2019 20:56

Just pack up and go now! Or don't even pack. Just go now!

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