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Original poster

Sisters children might be taken into care

162 replies

101Familyiseverything · 17/04/2019 13:53

Not really sure what advice I'm after, If any at all. I just have no idea who to talk to without making my friends sick of my emotions (I'm already sick of my emotions).

My sister will be going to court to find out if her children will be taken into care. This is not really down to her bad choices more her learning ability and how her brain operates differently. It's easy to judge from the outside believe me I was one of them.
Anyway I'm not going to bore you with how she got to this situation, I am however going to bore you with the present situation. It's going to be vague.

After a long process to the final details being rushed by the social worker; my sister will be going to court to fight to keep her children. It's looking unlikely she will get to keep any of them. This is where it gets messy, she has quite a few children so therefore they will be separated. I already have children and can only really find room and the finance to support one child (without my own children having to give up their classes/clubs and being able to ensure the child we take on can be supported with the same treatment. To make them feel welcome into their new home and that the children don't end up resenting one another). My Husband and I had discussed this in great depth only for him to change his mind right at the last minute. There are no words for how I am feeling at the moment. I know we need to be together on this or not at all, but I just can't help but to feel betrayed, let down, and alone. I would without a doubt take in his niece or nephew if he asked me too. I know my way of thinking might be unreasonable but this is my family (my Husbands family by marriage) how can he turn his back on that. It's not ideal but it's happening.

The social worker is pestering me to take more than one child. This is breaking my heart. I feel like a complete monster for not being able to do so and now I might not be able to even take one. If anything happened to my Husband and I, I would want someone from the family to take them in. How on earth could I expect this if we are not prepared to do the same?
My sister is currently finding it difficult to keep the children within the family as it is, let alone adding this to it all.

Has anyone been in a similar situation, did it get resolved for the better?

Thanks for taking the time to read and sorry for the blabber.

OP posts:
IVEgottheDECAF · 17/04/2019 13:54

How old are the children in question op?

LIZS · 17/04/2019 14:00

How many and how old are the children? Older children and those with additional needs are harder for ss to find long term placements for. I'm sorry your dh has changed his mind but better now than have a placement break down later. Will ss offer any ongoing contact?

TinklyLittleLaugh · 17/04/2019 14:03

Hmm, on the face of it, I think I’d be happy for my kids to give up their classes and clubs to keep my sister’s children out of care. However I imagine the problem is a lot less straightforward than that.

Your DH is sounding very unreasonable here and you must feel very disappointed in him. I’m so sorry for you.

Awful that your sister is losing her kids as a result of mental health problems or learning difficulties. Surely it would be cheaper for her to have full time support than put numerous children in care? Plus the outcomes for the children would probably be better.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families Family law Relationship problems
AfterLaughter · 17/04/2019 14:04

How many DC and what ages? What contact is she likely to have with them? What is her behaviour likely to be like if the DC live with you?

Kez200 · 17/04/2019 14:05

Would you get any money for taking them? Foster money for example? To help that side of things.

What exactly changed your husbands mind?

Weezol · 17/04/2019 14:07

For your husband, it may not be the child, it may be the social services involvement - they are already pressuring you to take two before anything has been decided by the court. Perhaps he evisions you cracking under this pressure.

He may be worried about the impact of fostering the child will have on your own children and family dynamic. Does he get on with your sister? Will there be agreed contact which she's able to adhere to or will she turn up at random?

I absolutely get that you want to help your sister's children, but the reality of what this means is going to turn all your lives upside down initially.

I think you need to talk to him to find out whether this is a temporary panic on his part, whether he has genuine concerns hhe can explain or if he thought this would never actually happen so he was telling you what he thought you wanted to hear.

user1457017537 · 17/04/2019 14:11

Ask the social worker if any financial assistance is available for you. Assisted adoption for example or expenses for guardianship. He/She cannot expect you to be able to financially provide for several children. It would cost thousands per week to put these poor children into the care system. If financial support were available your husband might be more open to the idea of having them live with you.

yellowsun · 17/04/2019 14:14

How hard for you. Have you explained all of these feelings to your husband? It’s obviously a lot to ask but does he understand the consequences?

I know in our area that foster caters are in real short supply, so yes, older children and those with SEN are harder to place and often end up in a series of temporary placements.

You may be able to insist on respite as a condition so that you still get family time together. I know some families with special guardianship orders where this happened. They do get money towards the upkeep of a child. I am sure that social care will be desperate to keep the children int he family and will try and support as well as their resources allow them to.

HollowTalk · 17/04/2019 14:14

Wouldn't the others feel resentful if only one was taken in by you? Don't let SS bully you into taking more. If your husband doesn't want to do it then you have to listen to what he says as he lives in the house, too. Everyone has to be on board to make it happen.

thebabessavedme · 17/04/2019 14:15

I would feel betrayed also - it would be a cold day in hell before a child in my family ended up in care, no, circumstances are not easy but I could not turn away, from either my bio dns OR my dns by marriage.

yellowsun · 17/04/2019 14:17

I believe that there are assessments done where the relationships between the children are looked at (together or apart) in order to decide whether children are placed together or not. You may be aware of family dynamics where one of the children is less included? Obviously I don’t know the circumstance of the situation but this often happens and certain children are fostered separately to others.

Branleuse · 17/04/2019 14:19

social services will pile the pressure on you whether it splits apart your current family or not. I think if your husband cant do it, then its very sad but youll have to find a way to keep a relationship with these children and ask for access, but not to have them living with you.

teyem · 17/04/2019 14:27

If your husband doesn't want to do it then you have to listen to what he says as he lives in the house, too.

He could like it or lump it as far as I was concerned. I'd take as many of the kids that I could after seeing Wass financial assistance was available from social services, clubs be damned.

teyem · 17/04/2019 14:28

Wass? what.

Branleuse · 17/04/2019 14:32

I dont think thats helpful. Id like to think id take on other peoples kids too, but actually Ive got a family member in this predicament now and its not as easy a decision as you think. If it all becomes a nightmare and then the child risks even more unsettling and trauma than if the right placement was found to begin with.

TheGrey1houndSpeaks · 17/04/2019 14:32

How many children is “quite a few”?

PoliticalBiscuit · 17/04/2019 14:34

Push back to social services, insist on financial support. Do you have other family who will help you if you take on more than one?

Would you be entitled to more nursery hours for the foster children etc.

The ages are important here, if there was any identifiable split eg kids aged 3 and 4, and an older child aged 9 then maybe the 9 year old as it will be much harder for them to find a suitable home.

Is part of your husbands problem the stress it has already brought and all the worst case scenario stress? Cant he picture the best case scenario too? A child who needs a home, richer for your family and for your love.

Best of luck today.

teyem · 17/04/2019 14:37

It's not just other people's kids though, it's children from within your family. And yes, I'm not in the situation but I wouldn't be fussing over the upheaval to my life when that option is set against a childhood in the care system. I certainly wouldn't be dithering around my dh about it, that for sure.

ANewEra · 17/04/2019 14:37

I'd have them, OP. Every single one! Anything rather than see a child go through the care system. Residential care for kids is fucking awful!

SteveTheSpiderPlant · 17/04/2019 14:41

You have my sympathy OP, I was in a similar situation and it was so difficult, of course you want to help but in the real world it is a huge responsibility to take on. My sister kept her baby in the end so don't give up hope yet.

How many and what age range are the children. If you only took 1 would the others go into care or would other family member step in?

RhubarbTea · 17/04/2019 14:44

Do whatever you can to keep them out of care, all of them. If that means you kids dropping clubs, do it. Just make it work. Those poor kids.

3dogs2cats · 17/04/2019 14:47

Hi. I have done this. It’s very difficult. However it shouldn’t be about the money. You will get about £200.00 per week per child. But it would s a very intrusive and demanding process and if your Dh is not that into it, you probably wouldn’t pass. And I could not have done this without equal involvement from my Dh.
But I would be disappointed if he hadn’t supported me, maybe a dealbreaker.

Reaah · 17/04/2019 14:47

How old are the DC?

nowheree · 17/04/2019 14:47

If you only have the room and finances for 1 child then that’s all you can do

I would not do anything to disrupt your own children’s routines or activities if possible as if they suddenly lose all their clubs etc and things change massively it could negatively affect them and damage another set of dc. Your sisters children as heartbreaking as it is have probably had to deal with upheaval already but it’s not fair for as to expect to extend that to your dc too
You can only do what you can

Def ask though what assistance there is in case that makes a difference. It’s a terrible position to be in and I feel for you. I hope it can be resolved

Flyingpie · 17/04/2019 14:48

Anewera how many children are you currently fostering?

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