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Original poster

Sisters children might be taken into care

162 replies

101Familyiseverything · 17/04/2019 13:53

Not really sure what advice I'm after, If any at all. I just have no idea who to talk to without making my friends sick of my emotions (I'm already sick of my emotions).

My sister will be going to court to find out if her children will be taken into care. This is not really down to her bad choices more her learning ability and how her brain operates differently. It's easy to judge from the outside believe me I was one of them.
Anyway I'm not going to bore you with how she got to this situation, I am however going to bore you with the present situation. It's going to be vague.

After a long process to the final details being rushed by the social worker; my sister will be going to court to fight to keep her children. It's looking unlikely she will get to keep any of them. This is where it gets messy, she has quite a few children so therefore they will be separated. I already have children and can only really find room and the finance to support one child (without my own children having to give up their classes/clubs and being able to ensure the child we take on can be supported with the same treatment. To make them feel welcome into their new home and that the children don't end up resenting one another). My Husband and I had discussed this in great depth only for him to change his mind right at the last minute. There are no words for how I am feeling at the moment. I know we need to be together on this or not at all, but I just can't help but to feel betrayed, let down, and alone. I would without a doubt take in his niece or nephew if he asked me too. I know my way of thinking might be unreasonable but this is my family (my Husbands family by marriage) how can he turn his back on that. It's not ideal but it's happening.

The social worker is pestering me to take more than one child. This is breaking my heart. I feel like a complete monster for not being able to do so and now I might not be able to even take one. If anything happened to my Husband and I, I would want someone from the family to take them in. How on earth could I expect this if we are not prepared to do the same?
My sister is currently finding it difficult to keep the children within the family as it is, let alone adding this to it all.

Has anyone been in a similar situation, did it get resolved for the better?

Thanks for taking the time to read and sorry for the blabber.

OP posts:
Crocusflo · 17/04/2019 15:17

Personally, I think you take all of them or none of them. You don't pick and choose. Imagine if they got older and found out you'd picked their sibling to stay in the family while the other two went into care.

Crocusflo · 17/04/2019 15:18

*other two!? Other however many...

Coronapop · 17/04/2019 15:18

How very sad that your sister apparently did not get good advice on birth control as with only one child she would stand a better chance of coping. I think you and your husband have to be together on this and if he is refuses you have little choice but to refuse too.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families Family law Relationship problems
SuperAunt08 · 17/04/2019 15:19

Don’t go too hard on your DH. I was in a similar position 10 years ago when we took in one of my SIL’s children. I had doubts, mainly because I overthink everything and could see that it wasn’t all going to be plain sailing like my DH made out and I just wanted everything to slow down so I could think it all through but felt railroaded into a decision. There was a lot of pressure because it was clear that if I said no then the child would be placed in foster care.
Our situation was different in that we had no children of our own, were relatively newly wed and I was only in my 20’s.
10 years on I don’t regret it at all but in hindsight we often say we wish we’d also taken the younger sibling too.

ContraryAnn · 17/04/2019 15:21

What a wicked place the UK is. The mother needs lots of support to raise her children but instead they want to destroy her, her children and even the aunts family. Shocking.

Crocusflo · 17/04/2019 15:21

I echo how has she had this many children if she cannot cope learning difficulty/cognition wise? Was birth control discussed with her?

HJWT · 17/04/2019 15:23

@101Familyiseverything How many children is it? Feel free to private message me! My 'D'S has 3 children all removed at birth that now live with my DM & DF, they are old and my DM is disabled, they get paid for all 3 children, is this something the social worker has told you about?

HazelBite · 17/04/2019 15:23

Children are not taken into on a whim!
Because of the circumstances these children have lived in/experienced they will be carrying all sorts of problems. The Op could find herself having to go above and beyond, to the detriment of her own family.
Ask any foster carer what sort of behavioural problems LAC have.
Much as you want to do the best thing you can for your neices/nephews, you might not be the best placed person to do this as your husband is not keen.
They usually like to place DC's in a sibling group, this is why the social worker is pushing for it.
The knee jerk reaction is of course is to offer a home to the children as they are "family" but it really isn't that straightforward, perhaps the OP's DH has thought about it and considered it more carefully, working out the practicalties etc, because he has not had a knee jerk reaction.
If you go ahead you will both need to be fully committed together and be fully prepared for the difficulties you will inevitably face and the effect on your family.

MindyStClaire · 17/04/2019 15:24

It's so easy to say you'd take them all in when you're sitting behind a screen. It's something very different when you're faced with the reality. It's not just the financial impact or the space on your home. It's the demands it'll place on you, on your husband and on your children.

I have no experience of this at all OP, but I remember reading this thread which really opened my eyes as to the difficulty of adopting children (I know you haven't mentioned adoption, but you may want to read it all the same). In particular I was struck by how much more difficult it is to take in a child who's had a difficult start in life, compared to adding another biological child to the family.

There was also a similar thread recently, which is here.

There is no right or wrong here, only very difficult decisions. Why has your husband changed his mind? He may have very valid reasons.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 17/04/2019 15:26

I'd expect them to endure it and display some grit about an unexpected and difficult situation.

And if they don't? If they are resentful and jealous and develop behavioural issues themselves? If they're overlooked or hurt due to the needs of the other children? If they develop MH problems themselves?
If their family falls apart?

youarenotkiddingme · 17/04/2019 15:28

Taking on extra children isn't easy. Even with a financial package.

I agree with others to ask dh to talk openly and frankly with SS with view to possible review - but you can only go ahead if you are both equally on board.

Redglitter · 17/04/2019 15:28

What a wicked place the UK is. The mother needs lots of support to raise her children but instead they want to destroy her

What rubbish. SS dont make the decision to remove children from their home and separate them from each other for no reason. The fact it's got this far would indicate there are serious problems. The chances are that the mother will have been offered help & assistance but for what ever reason it hasn't worked

helpmum2003 · 17/04/2019 15:29

What a horrible situation to be in poor you. Your husband will be coming from a different angle to you - he will have less loyalty to your sister and be primarily concerned about the effect on you and your children.
Children in these situations need a lot of care- certainly do not be pushed into taking more than you can manage.
I would argue it's important for your children to continue clubs and for any fostered children to also have those opportunities...

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/04/2019 15:32

What a wicked place the UK is. The mother needs lots of support to raise her children but instead they want to destroy her, her children and even the aunts family. Shocking.

I have worked with SS to support parents with LDs to parent. I cannot speak for all SWs but all the ones I worked with would much rather see a parent with their children than without. But some people cannot parent at all. The children would be severely neglected or abused. Sometimes through no fault of the parent's. And the SW is right to try to keep the children together in a family placement. It's almost always the best option.

If people think SS do such a shit job, they are welcome to train for years, earn shitty wages, do masses of frequently unpaid overtime and be pilloried in the media and personally. And carry trauma around from what they see.

OP I think that your DH has been honest and he deserves credit for that. He needs to be onboard for the child to get what they need from him. So so sorry this is happening to your family. Flowers

helpmum2003 · 17/04/2019 15:33

To those commenting on contraceptive advice - unfortunately it's not possible to force contraception on someone usually......

adaline · 17/04/2019 15:36

I wouldn't expect my children to especially enjoy the changes and it would take them time to adjust. I'd expect them to endure it and display some grit about an unexpected and difficult situation. And I'd do everything I could to ease the burden.

And what if they couldn't cope? What if their mental health suffered to the point that they became seriously unwell? Or to the point where they didn't want to come home anymore because they weren't happy with the situation?

I mean, you say you'd expect your husband to like it or lump it. What if he decided he couldn't/didn't want to cope and left? What if your child wanted to go with him because it meant he didn't have to share attention with his cousins all the time?

Would you really be prepared to sacrifice your marriage and (potentially) your relationship with your child?

stucknoue · 17/04/2019 15:37

Social services can get you funding so it's not really about money, it's more whether you can cope with extra child(ren). How many kids and what ages?

londonrach · 17/04/2019 15:38

Op...for starters theres no right answerto this. It s a horrible situation for you to be in. Your dh is not wrong for saying no either. I live in a terrance house and stuggle to get another bed in anywhere. Dont be pressured by ss. Do what you feel you can cope with on a dayto day life. Can you offer weekend care to the siblings maybe. Hugs op.

x2boys · 17/04/2019 15:39

All these peop!e saying they would happily take in nieces and nephews it's all very well saying it when it isn't YOUR reality but there are so many things to consider ,I couldn't for example no matter how much I wanted to, I have a small two bed house and two children one with significant disabilities,I really don't think posters are being at all helpful with their blase comments Hmm

archivearmadillo · 17/04/2019 15:40

People like thebabessavedme and teyem trying to shame 101Familyiseverything for not taking all her sister's children in long term or probably permanently, no matter what cost to her own children or marriage (and if marriage then automatically a cost to her children) should take the time to use their brains and really think, rather than react purely on sentiment and emotion.

My parents took in just one child in vaguely similar circumstances. It didn't affect me much as I was older, but the closest in age sibling to the fostered child (who adores the fostered child and was all for sharing everything with her for ever) was ultimately incredibly badly impacted by the new dynamic and tbh has never become the person she might have been.

The child they took in has grown up to be a nice person, and she was never really anything but, however the things she went through (neglect, losing parents and home, having her world shaken up, being old enough to sort of know she'd been "taken in" to an existing family and had to make or find her place, no deliberate abuse) put the family, and especially the closest child to her age, through life altering storms.

The closest in age sibling became withdrawn, antisocial, lost all her self esteem, felt pushed out and less wanted, then ultimately developed some quite serious lasting problems. She changed permanently.

It's all very wonderful to be selfless if you actually only have yourself to consider. Being selfless on behalf of your children (and potentially accidentally pushing them under the bus) so you can feel good about yourself is ironically far more selfish than having the insight and courage to say no in the first place.

If 101Familyiseverything 's family breaks down her sister's children will be in an even worse position, and she'll have screwed up her own children's lives too. Even if the family stays together the outcome may well be worse for many or even just one or two of the children involved.

The only good advice is use your head, don't act on sentiment and wish to feel good about how noble you are.

lastqueenofscotland · 17/04/2019 15:40

Didn’t the OP come back and say there were more than 8 children?
All well and good saying cold day in hell, but not many people have that much room/the cars needed/the ability to give the emotional care needed to that many young people

Chillyegg · 17/04/2019 15:41

www.gov.uk/foster-carers
Useful reading

ContraryAnn · 17/04/2019 15:43

Redglitter What I wrote is not "rubbish". There obviously is an issue but instead if destroying all these lives the SS needs to put full time carers in the home to make sure the children's and the mother's needs are being met. To split them up will be more expensive and probably damaging in the long run.

They are not 'offering' to break her family up are they? They will force it on her. I'm saying they should force help on her.

teyem · 17/04/2019 15:44

I'd have to work out any problems within the situation kidding. The idea that I'd see my niece's and nephews in care, with the outcome that come with that, so my children could float through life without jealousy and resentment, is odd. As is the idea that jealousy and resentment cause mental illness.

chillpizza · 17/04/2019 15:45

Honestly and it sounds horrible but I wouldn’t take in anybody’s children unless mine where all old enough to of left home already. My priority has to be my children, I gave them life and I owe it to them alone. Once they where old enough to leave home and have jobs then I would consider taking on a family members child but only then and only one.

Being family fostered is not all fun for the foster either. Being resented and feeling like you don’t fit in.