Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

Sisters children might be taken into care

162 replies

101Familyiseverything · 17/04/2019 13:53

Not really sure what advice I'm after, If any at all. I just have no idea who to talk to without making my friends sick of my emotions (I'm already sick of my emotions).

My sister will be going to court to find out if her children will be taken into care. This is not really down to her bad choices more her learning ability and how her brain operates differently. It's easy to judge from the outside believe me I was one of them.
Anyway I'm not going to bore you with how she got to this situation, I am however going to bore you with the present situation. It's going to be vague.

After a long process to the final details being rushed by the social worker; my sister will be going to court to fight to keep her children. It's looking unlikely she will get to keep any of them. This is where it gets messy, she has quite a few children so therefore they will be separated. I already have children and can only really find room and the finance to support one child (without my own children having to give up their classes/clubs and being able to ensure the child we take on can be supported with the same treatment. To make them feel welcome into their new home and that the children don't end up resenting one another). My Husband and I had discussed this in great depth only for him to change his mind right at the last minute. There are no words for how I am feeling at the moment. I know we need to be together on this or not at all, but I just can't help but to feel betrayed, let down, and alone. I would without a doubt take in his niece or nephew if he asked me too. I know my way of thinking might be unreasonable but this is my family (my Husbands family by marriage) how can he turn his back on that. It's not ideal but it's happening.

The social worker is pestering me to take more than one child. This is breaking my heart. I feel like a complete monster for not being able to do so and now I might not be able to even take one. If anything happened to my Husband and I, I would want someone from the family to take them in. How on earth could I expect this if we are not prepared to do the same?
My sister is currently finding it difficult to keep the children within the family as it is, let alone adding this to it all.

Has anyone been in a similar situation, did it get resolved for the better?

Thanks for taking the time to read and sorry for the blabber.

OP posts:

nowheree · 17/04/2019 14:48

as-ss

Humpy84 · 17/04/2019 14:54

This is a really tough position to be in. You are only one person with many children dependant on you. There are many factors to take into account like your own mental health and capacity. If money is the only factor then talk to social worker about this and explore all financial options including charities. You’ve many things to consider and I think it is best worked out with a social worker. Remember we are all outsiders and looking at this superficially. Of course it would be better for kids to be with you but not if you won’t cope.

snowdrop6 · 17/04/2019 14:55

None of my families children would be going in to care..triple bunks in bedrooms and me on the sofa giving up my bedroom,before my families children go in to care....with the extra money per child you would find your children don’t have to give up much...stand up to your husband.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families Family law Relationship problems

BrightSpells · 17/04/2019 14:56

Op no advice I can really give however my friend is a foster career. Recently she fostered 5 siblings all born a year apart and fairly young. They were with her 3 years before all being adopted by one couple.

It may not help but may give some hope.

Best wishes.

adaline · 17/04/2019 14:58

He could like it or lump it as far as I was concerned. I'd take as many of the kids that I could

It's not that easy in reality though, is it?

You have to consider so many things - from the practical (size of your home, financial support, getting the children to their schools/getting them into closer schools, the size of your car to name but a few) to the emotional impact this will have - not only on the family members' children but your own children, as well as your own mental health and that of your husband.

It's not just a case of "these x number of children are coming to live here now, like it or lump it".

TeenTimesTwo · 17/04/2019 14:59

It's easy for people to say 'oh I'd take them all'. It isn't that simple.

The age of the child matters. Younger children are more easily adoptable. Older children may be more impacted by having had a longer time in a poor situation. Or maybe less impacted as they may have had 'good enough' care before younger siblings came along and it all got too much.

Normally children are placed for adoption as the youngest in the family. An older child might 'upset the birth order' for the OPs existing children.

Any child will need a significant amount of time and attention. maybe within a family with existing children, that won't be sufficient.

Then there is ongoing contact - with the birth Mum, with siblings, with birth Dad (where is he in all this?), and the upset that may cause.

Then is this intended to be 'forever' under a SGO, or what?

It isn't simple.

Reaah · 17/04/2019 14:59

You will get financial help, guardianship allowance.

diddl · 17/04/2019 15:01

Where are the rest of the (how many?) kids going?

MissingInActionYouSay · 17/04/2019 15:02

I second saying that residential care is horrendous. three of my family members worked in the same care home on my road and one left as the kids have their basic physical needs met and that is it. No affection, not even any real consistency.....care workers leave at a shocking rate and even within the same home there will be massive discrepancies between the care they recieve based on who is on shift and who is sleeping in etc.

And my husband knows full well that if anything happened within my family we would be taking children on if needed, my house would be the first place they would come too and we would all drop a level in comfort to enable that. Or he would be out the door. Children's needs ALWAYS trump an adults within my family. But he would never say no, we took his nephew on as a troubled teen and moved house to accommodate him. 4 years he was with us and to this day says I'm better than a mum to him.

I would push and push SS for a decent financial package. You should get a decent amount for the children (and could even potentially be rehoused in social housing). As a guideline, if these go onto become troubled teens and end up in a specialist care home then SS will be paying £5000-7500 A week per child. They do not want that to happen so would rather keep the kids together and stable.

adaline · 17/04/2019 15:03

I love all these people saying "I'd take all the kids and my husband would just have to suck it up or leave"

How many of you have the space, time and money to support all these kids? The children have schools to go to - how are you going to get them all there on time? Does your car have enough space for your kids plus the extra ones? Do you have enough space in your house for all these extra children? If not, where are they going to sleep? You can't just stick them in with you or with their cousins - there'll be restrictions in place.

How are your own children going to cope? Are you going to risk their happiness and stability for your sisters' kids on a permanent basis? What if your children can't cope in a year or two years - are you going to give up? End up in a position where they resent/hate their cousins for all the time they take up?

So many people seem to have a really simplistic view of how this actually works!

FissionChips · 17/04/2019 15:04

I’ve faced the same situation and decided I couldn’t do it.
It’s easy for posters to say they would but it really depends on many factors.
I decided against because : there were too many of them (more than 8, less than 13), some have additional needs, most behavioural needs (very violent, non compliments, danger seeking), the detriment all those things would have on my own mental health and the life of my own child.

I don’t feel bad for my decision, it’s the only one I could make in reality.

Lweji · 17/04/2019 15:04

I can't speak for DS but I suspect he'd be happy to have all his cousins around if the alternative was them being separated and going into care with strangers.
Just imagining how lost they'd feel.

Can't you at least give it a go and make a final decision later on or at least until a place they could stay together could be found?

Lweji · 17/04/2019 15:06

But then I have 4 nephews/nieces. More than 5 and I'd probably struggle with it.

adaline · 17/04/2019 15:06

You will get financial help, guardianship allowance.

It's not only a financial thing though, is it?

Children's needs ALWAYS trump an adults within my family. But he would never say no, we took his nephew on as a troubled teen and moved house to accommodate him.

But what about your own children's needs? Do their cousins' needs trump theirs? How far does that go? Do you risk your marriage over it? Your own children's happiness and their home life/stability? What If your kids suffer as a result?

One child being taken in with the full agreement of both parents is very different to taking in multiple children where one party is not fully on-board. It's a recipe for disaster as resentment builds further down the line.

tolerable · 17/04/2019 15:07

speak to social services.they have to be transparent with you..therefore should be informing you of what financial and emotional supports are available.also what sort if any access to the kids will your sister be allowed.Ideally they should be kept together surely..but its already outwith "ideally".good luck op.tough call

BoxOfBabyCheeses · 17/04/2019 15:07

OP how old are you children and many do you have?

How old are you DN's and how many do you have?

It is easy enough to say that children come first, but YOUR children need to come first. Would taking these children in be detrimental to them? Is this the reason your husband has changed his mind? Or what are his actual reasons?

If you take these children in and it affects your relationship, are you willing to bring up your children, as well as your sister's single handed?

DistanceCall · 17/04/2019 15:07

I'm sorry, but clubs and classes are not necessary.

These are your nieces and nephews. Your husband is a dick.

adaline · 17/04/2019 15:07

I can't speak for DS but I suspect he'd be happy to have all his cousins around if the alternative was them being separated and going into care with strangers.

The idea of it isn't the same as the reality though. Would he really be happy going from being an only child, to having to share all your attention with his cousins overnight? I suspect even the most balanced, happy child would struggle with that.

teyem · 17/04/2019 15:09

Actually Adaline, I know the assumption on MN is to assume posters are hopeless idiots who couldn't possibly comprehend the array of difficulties that would result from their decisions, but I would make it work.

With regards to the op and her DH, in respect to taking on an additional child, well I maintain, he could like it or lump it.

TeenTimesTwo · 17/04/2019 15:11

Plus if sister has learning needs and 'brain operates differently', it wouldn't be surprising if some of the children showed similar traits. Parenting even one of those children can be exhausting.

adaline · 17/04/2019 15:12

Actually Adaline, I know the assumption on MN is to assume posters are hopeless idiots who couldn't possibly comprehend the array of difficulties that would result from their decisions, but I would make it work.

I don't assume that at all.

I just think the idea of something like this, and the reality of it, is very different. As a child I can imagine I'd have loved the idea of my cousins coming to stay for a while. But the reality of having to share my parents, my space, my home and my friends with them on a permanent basis would probably have been very difficult. I can only see that looking back, though.

What would you do if your child became unhappy with the situation? That would be my major concern - whose happiness is more important?

AuntieCJ · 17/04/2019 15:15

SS won't place any DCs unless both parents are on board with the idea.

Sorry, OP, but if your DH says no then that's how it has to be.

teyem · 17/04/2019 15:15

I wouldn't expect my children to especially enjoy the changes and it would take them time to adjust. I'd expect them to endure it and display some grit about an unexpected and difficult situation. And I'd do everything I could to ease the burden.

FissionChips · 17/04/2019 15:16

All those posters saying that they’d never let a child in their family go into care, would you (in the situation I was in) have taken in the children? All 8+ of them, most having additional/behavioural needs?

I really can’t imagine any of you would.

ALannisterInDebt · 17/04/2019 15:16

How baby DC does she have and what are their ages?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7