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Original poster

Sisters children might be taken into care

162 replies

101Familyiseverything · 17/04/2019 13:53

Not really sure what advice I'm after, If any at all. I just have no idea who to talk to without making my friends sick of my emotions (I'm already sick of my emotions).

My sister will be going to court to find out if her children will be taken into care. This is not really down to her bad choices more her learning ability and how her brain operates differently. It's easy to judge from the outside believe me I was one of them.
Anyway I'm not going to bore you with how she got to this situation, I am however going to bore you with the present situation. It's going to be vague.

After a long process to the final details being rushed by the social worker; my sister will be going to court to fight to keep her children. It's looking unlikely she will get to keep any of them. This is where it gets messy, she has quite a few children so therefore they will be separated. I already have children and can only really find room and the finance to support one child (without my own children having to give up their classes/clubs and being able to ensure the child we take on can be supported with the same treatment. To make them feel welcome into their new home and that the children don't end up resenting one another). My Husband and I had discussed this in great depth only for him to change his mind right at the last minute. There are no words for how I am feeling at the moment. I know we need to be together on this or not at all, but I just can't help but to feel betrayed, let down, and alone. I would without a doubt take in his niece or nephew if he asked me too. I know my way of thinking might be unreasonable but this is my family (my Husbands family by marriage) how can he turn his back on that. It's not ideal but it's happening.

The social worker is pestering me to take more than one child. This is breaking my heart. I feel like a complete monster for not being able to do so and now I might not be able to even take one. If anything happened to my Husband and I, I would want someone from the family to take them in. How on earth could I expect this if we are not prepared to do the same?
My sister is currently finding it difficult to keep the children within the family as it is, let alone adding this to it all.

Has anyone been in a similar situation, did it get resolved for the better?

Thanks for taking the time to read and sorry for the blabber.

OP posts:
teyem · 17/04/2019 15:46

No, I'm not trying to shame the op.

I just stated, at the beginning, that my DH wouldn't be a barrier for me taking one of the children and then went further to say, in fact, I wouldn't see any of my niece's or nephews in care to passify my DH.

Further posts were about how I would approach the situation thereafter.

lastqueenofscotland · 17/04/2019 15:48

@teyem
Did you miss the bit where the OP came back and said there were more than 8 children?

AnnaComnena · 17/04/2019 15:49

I would make it work.

It wouldn't just be up to you, though, would it? There are other people involved, and you can't control how any of them might feel or react, or what they might want.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families Family law Relationship problems
StormBringers · 17/04/2019 15:51

It’s not as simple as some say, scenarios I’ve seen in teaching:
-child allowed to watch porn etc from a young age and violent films etc alongside very poor role models and parenting involving DV. Would you allow a pre-teen/ teen who posed a significant risk of sexual harm in to live with you because they were family? Could you police your younger child safely
-child with a history of arson in various settings and damage to property, could you sleep with a known fire risk with your children?
-children with frequent violent behaviour, could you watch your child get assaulted most days?
-running away/ leaving doors open at night or bringing people to your house. Would you have this teen in a house with your toddler? (Actually this is me when I tried to offer a home to a much younger sibling, she put my son at huge risk a few times and I had to tell SS no more)

These were lovely kids, and if I was a single adopter I could have offered them a chance, I’d try.... but I couldn’t bring them into my family. Maybe the OP isn’t as extreme, but I’m just saying to these posters who are very black and white about the issue that it’s often not easy at all.

For the OP, push back at SS. They will push you into anything. I was NOT told about huge risks by them when I housed a sibling. And they knew I had a toddler

FifisLovelyApron · 17/04/2019 15:51

I don't think she said there were 8 children, wasn't that someone else?

ReanimatedSGB · 17/04/2019 15:51

It's not as simple as 'boohoo, love them all, you selfish monster'. What about your own DC, if some of their cousins have behavioural difficulties? It's all very well being the virtue-signalling, 'loving' parent-to-all-the-world but if your own kids have to suffer frequent violence from their cousins (or from other foster children) along with a drop in their standard of living and just get told to suck it up because it's important to be kind and share, they will end up hating you and probably developing MH problems of their own. Overcrowding and lack of resources (no new clothes, no birthday presents, only the most basic of food and probably never quite enough, as the bigger kids will probably pinch food off the younger ones) can also make a child's life hell.

A lot depends on how many DC your sister has, their ages, the ages of your own DC, whether any of the DC have any kind of SN, and what resources you actually have. This idea of everyone cheerfully muddling through in cramped conditions with no money is the stuff of bullshit moralising storybooks.

adaline · 17/04/2019 15:54

As is the idea that jealousy and resentment cause mental illness

Are you really saying that jealousy and resentment don't cause big issues if they aren't dealt with? Come on! I see plenty of threads on here where grown adults are still harbouring resentment and anger towards their parents because their own siblings were seen to be treated differently to them growing up.

It happens all the time - resentment is a horrible feeling and if it's not dealt with (or, as a child, you're in a position where you just have to suck up the situation as you're too young to change it) it can bubble over into all sorts of problems - anxiety, depression, acting out, going off the rails in order to get attention.

Agreeing to foster/adopt a child (especially a family member) isn't something you can agree to, then change your mind on several years down the line because someone is unhappy, without it causing serious repercussions for the entire family.

I would feel far, far too guilty if I agreed to this and my child's home life changed for the worse - if my child ended up truly unhappy or my marriage ended over this? I would find it very, very difficult to live with the consequences of that.

In reality, agreeing to adopt/foster a family members' child is really not as simple as some people are making out - you have a whole load of extended family dynamics to think about as well as all the practical, financial and emotional difficulties this could bring.

Hoppinggreen · 17/04/2019 15:54

I wouldn’t take in any of my nieces or nephews and I doubt DH would want to either
Maybe some people who are claiming they would actually would do it, maybe some more even believe they would until faced with it but I wouldn’t and if DH tried to force me to I wouldn’t be too impressed
If your husband doesn’t want to OP then I think you should respect that, it should be a joint decision

Guyliner · 17/04/2019 15:55

I could never look at dh the same way if he'd let children we knew and loved go into care. There are a lot of things i could forgive but that isn't one of them. I'd drop the classes and extras too to take in more of them. Yes, it may cause some resentment at first but children need to know what's more important. Would they be happy with that decision that left their cousins incare when they find out as adults 30?

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/04/2019 15:56

SS needs to put full time carers in the home to make sure the children's and the mother's needs are being met.

So that's three full-time jobs in one house. They'd have to be very skilled. Then there's the issue of boundaries and parenting. Who makes the decisions? Then there's the new house they'd have to buy to fit the extra room in for the carers. Hundreds of thousands of pounds. In a culture where everyone votes for lower taxes and politicians who hate SS. Where SWs are begging for life-saving services for people. Sounds realistic.

Guyliner · 17/04/2019 15:57

your husband doesn’t want to OP then I think you should respect that, it should be a joint decision

She wouldn't be allowed to if he didn't want to and they stay together, but she could do it without him.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 17/04/2019 15:58

So sorry OP, such a difficult position.
I would take in my niece and nephew- but thats easy for me to say there are 2 of them and I only have 1 DC.

I personally think you take all or none, how could you choose?

adaline · 17/04/2019 15:58

I could never look at dh the same way if he'd let children we knew and loved go into care.

Would you really risk your marriage and your child's stable home life over this? Because that's essentially what you're saying you'd do.

Presuming your marriage is currently happy and your children are settled, would you risk uprooting all of that? You'd risk your marriage ending and your children splitting their time between two homes?

teyem · 17/04/2019 15:59

Actually, fwiw Adaline, I don't think jealousy and resentment cause mental illness, no. I think jealousy and resentment make for compelling narrative clutches and easy scapegoats.

And yes, you see it here all the time.

diddl · 17/04/2019 16:02

I have only one sibling & they have only one child so it's a given that we would have taken them in.

More than 2 though?

Not sure it would have been possible.

Where's the father?

cakeandchampagne · 17/04/2019 16:02

Though you sound like you truly care, it doesn’t sound like you will be able to take them in. Hopefully you will be able to actively interact with them and do some fun things together.

thebabessavedme · 17/04/2019 16:05

In no way am I trying to 'shame' the op, this situation is bloody awful and don't think any answer to it will come without problems, all I did was say that I could not let children in my family go into the care system.

archivearmadillo · 17/04/2019 16:05

I wouldn't take my niece in because she's been brought up by the sibling I discussed above and is consequently a very difficult child, who is also older than most of my children and the same age as my eldest... I know that my children would suffer if she moved in with us.

I'd take in family children significantly younger than mine, probably.

HollowTalk · 17/04/2019 16:06

The thing is that if the children's mother has such problems that she can't care for her children, it's very likely that those children will need a huge amount of care and attention that just wouldn't be compatible with caring for your own children and doing your job. It's very likely they'd have behavioural problems and need regular meetings with their mother until the court ordered otherwise. This would have a massive impact on your children.

I think anyone who thinks this would be easy is thinking of their own nephews and nieces who are easy to get on with and don't need such a lot of care.

And not all foster care placements are bad - there are tons of really good carers out there.

Ellenborough · 17/04/2019 16:06

Personally, I think you take all of them or none of them. You don't pick and choose. Imagine if they got older and found out you'd picked their sibling to stay in the family while the other two went into care.

I completely agree.

How many children are there and what is the age range? Is the father/fathers any use at all? Do any of them have a relationship with their paternal family/ies?

archivearmadillo · 17/04/2019 16:08

Replacing carefully considered rational thought with sentiment and emotion in situations with such a life changing impact on children has negative consequences which can trickle down generations. That's true for all the children involved, not just the ones most obviously at risk at first glance.

x2boys · 17/04/2019 16:08

Where would Social.services get the money to put in full time carers ContraryAnn? It's a fight to get any help when you are living with illness and disability ,there just isn't the money to put in full time carers to help a mother and her children stay together because she can't care for them adequately (regardless of the reasons for that )

adaline · 17/04/2019 16:09

I think anyone who thinks this would be easy is thinking of their own nephews and nieces who are easy to get on with and don't need such a lot of care.

Agreed.

Guyliner · 17/04/2019 16:09

Would you really risk your marriage and your child's stable home life over this? Because that's essentially what you're saying you'd do.

Presuming your marriage is currently happy and your children are settled, would you risk uprooting all of that? You'd risk your marriage ending and your children splitting their time between two homes?

The marriage would be over when he sent away children yes. Id have no respect for him. Likewise I'd assume responsibility to any children of his family who needed a home.

We were in a similar situation to the Op but in the end the family member's mother pressured her into adoption outside of the family as she thought it would be easier for the her daughter to get to grips with the idea if she couldn't see the child regularly. I think it was a tragedy and she lost all contact in the end. So it's not just a thought experiment for me either. I would do it amd would do it for dh.

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