Do you have problems? Would you like a solution?

[pineapplebryanbrown]

Please come into my advice clinic. All my agony aunts are both untrained and insane. We WILL help you.

@DanglyTassles I shall most certainly sack him, or possibly give him to one of my underlings as a pet to do with as they will (some of them are quite disturbing and inventive characters). My industry is one with metal detectors and security frisking so I can't offer a machete to anyone sadly.

Red you are already embracing your inner thigh to a good standard.

Benefits of your self certificated time off could be maximised by reading a couple of Thighland threads and then I reckon you'll be ready! In fact I reckon you were born ready.

Weaponise with killing machines, and snuggle down further into your slanket, doze off at intervals whenever you are not snacking or killing or pissing your slanket and you'll be right to proffer the correct advice.

Oh great Thigh, I have lurked on previous threads but am now ready to step forward with my problem.
I am 47 and have been happily single for 13 years. I love it! I do my own thing, I don't have to please anyone else, my son comes home from uni every couple of months so the cat has someone else to talk to. However, my work colleague seems determined to set me up with someone. She insists that I can't be on my own forever that I need to get dating and have sex again! 🤢 Quite frankly the thought fills me with absolute horror but every time a man, any man, comes into the office, she waggles her eyebrows at me and suggests that I 'put myself out there'. I'm going to have to kill her, aren't I? Please help oh wondrous thigh!

Ramsay the great honourable thigh is on the toilet as she is in recovery from the shits but never fear, the force is within you, your answer is right there within your question. T'is to be found within the penultimate line ...

@VelociraptorRex Vegan Flora. I have become lactose intolerant and even Lurpak gives me the shits. A tragic day when I discovered that.

Thank you @CarolinePooter. Alas I am legitimately poorly but I shall try my very best Dr scrawl for the greater good. I don't recommend being legitimately poorly. Waste of good lying down time.

Ramsay this is my specialist topic. I find most people eventually drop their pathetic and tedious attempts in the face of your ongoing disinterest. I with this one it sounds like you might need to embarrass her out of it.

You could indeed put yourself out there but starting to remove some clothes next time she waggles her eyebrows. Presumably like us you have the kind of body hair coverage to mean this will barely qualify as nudity but it might shut her up.

Or you could start talking loudly about your various venereal diseases. Do use that phrase and not the coy new fangled ones like STI or GUI or whatever it is now.

Or tell her it has ‘grown over’ and you’d need surgery.

Or yes, you could just kill her with the the old trip and stab tip, but why not have some fun first?

@RednaxelasPony that is truly sad. How do you cope with crumpets? And I need to know - do you then top the toast and flora with any other delight?

"Grown over" 😆

Wait is that a thing? Do I need mine checked before my upcoming nuptials? DP seems to expect that we'll have s**.

Oh and thigh you pressured me for a general invite but since nobody has RSVP'd I assume you all hate Foreign.

thislido this does sound like a plan. Maybe if I talk about my hairy nipples as a starting point? Do you think I should mention specific venereal diseases e.g. 'have you ever noticed how gonorrhoea makes you really itchy?'🧐

Ramsay this is a specialist subject of mine too. Search the internet for pictures of anal warts, print them out and pop them in frames to place on your desk. The next time your colleague waggles her eyebrows point to the framed print out.

I think you should aim a blow torch at her eyebrows too. Annoying how misery loves company isn't it?

Baker oh we're coming, all of us. Make sure we don't go hungry. We're bringing weapons. Is there anyone we're not allowed to have sex with?

Baker oh we're coming, all of us, we're bringing our new tank.

I've developed an echo.

Ahem, Great Thigh, I am (humbly but urgently) requesting you look favorably upon my 'issue.'

I am in Trumpville. Yes, yes, yes, I know that in itself is too much of an ask even for the Greatness that is THIGH, so we shall proceed to my potentially addressable issue (oh this is difficult, this bowing and scraping, but needs must)

Next week is Employee Appreciation Week. Now, this once was a lowly Secretary's Day, which overtime became "Administrative Professional Day" and is now a whole f**inc WEEK of frippery. I am the boss, so must APPRECIATE every day. Every. Day. for a week. It is my most hated week of the year. This year looks like this:
Monday - breakfast, with choice of meats (ordered by me)
Tuesday - music quiz in teams, trophies for winners
Wednesday - Cash Raffles - all day, on the hour - with big oompapah email for each winner
Thursday - Ice Cream Social, served by management (yep, me and ...)
Friday - Happy Hour, with all the trimmings and small gifts - set up by me, because I can't ask staff to assist

What I actually want to do is stab them all with forks. Go around, desk to desk, and stab them. In the soft bits. Is that acceptable as a means of showing appreciation? I want to include in the elventymillion emails I must send "I ducking loathe you" instead of "Appreciate YOU!!!" Would you recommend this action?

What would you do?

Pony, Red and Rex all of you seem to be wonderful new additions. Your Thighs appear strong and large, it's all that's required. A willingness to really debase yourself and reject all societal pressure to try hard and be good.

Great that sounds truly disgusting, it's brought my struggle with my bowels back with a vengeance. Do you know what would be a much better gift? Give your employees the gift of finishing an hour early and starting an hour late for the whole week as long as no one mentions this ghastly American fanfare. Win win, you see less of them, they see less of you and no one has to pretend not to despise each other.

Great are you behind all these American adverts I've been receiving? I'll tell you directly that i don't have bats that I wish to exclude humanely and i don't want to live in Texas. My passport has expired and it wasn't an accident.

I can't be forced to take foreign holidays if i haven't got a valid passport.

thigh are you sure these bowel explosions are not just the natural effects of eating 'healthy' foods like sultana bran? ... Jus' sayin'

I need to loose 5 stone in a week and a half... Any advice?

I don't know DT I've been laying off the sultana bran and spinach and things are settling.

It reminds me of when i were a lad and my sister and I would go wild with dried apricots. We had to have a pact that we would only fart in the hallway, never the bedroom.

PH did someone say you were fat

We offer a bespoke assassination service. You're not fat if you can fit in a bariatric wheelchair. You just need a muumuu and to move to our colony, Thawaii.

Thigh your wisdom is stunning and the advice is most germane.

Giving time off. The problem is that I've offered that in lieu of ... - and they refuse. They WANT to 'have fun' They think it fun. I want to hang myself. With the lovely Fake Gold Stars on Red/white/blue Ribbon prizes for something, all tied together. Being marvelous just by being perhaps.

American Adverts: I most likely am at fault. It has been a rather shitty week so far, so your ahem, issues, are probably my fault as well.

Texas. I truly once say thousands of bats in Texas. Terrifying and horrible as it was, I could perhaps pay someone to send some to you if you need them. The passport. Good call. Well played, I say.

Bastard Trumph. He has spoiled it all. I wholeheartedly DO NOT appreciate any thing about him.

I saw an acquaintance at a party last week who I had a night of passion with over 10 years ago...I couldn't even look him in the eye this time. I have no interest in repeating the night and doubt I will ever see him again BUT why can I not stop thinking sexy thoughts about the bastard?

Look! Fucking Texas is back! It's like that song "Indiana Wants Me". I've been to Indiana and I'm not going back, I'm also not going to Texas!

Great there's something wrong with your employees. Just look at these words ice cream social they literally make no sense. Ice cream is a private activity, akin to wanking. I do think you should stab them, they're insane and need to take a long hard look at themselves.

Or, here's an alternative, develop labyrinthitis. It's good for a week off, there's no proof and no treatment. So send the email to everyone with a massive list of insane plans for these bellends candy floss machines, bungee jumping etc, etc. Then go off sick for the week.