Do you have problems? I can solve everything.

[pineapplebryanbrown]

I am a non medically trained self appointed internet nurse. I can help with anything, please step inside my lovely advice clinic where my team of kindly Agony Aunts will cure you forever.

Dangly will supervise your OH's snake.

I'm here!!

Oh yes will do!

I'm trying to run an advice clinic but I'm incredibly lazy and have a short attention span. What should I do pineapple 🍍 / getting?

I AM NOT PINEAPPLE

Hello. I've taken your advice and I am lying down, however, I want an ice lolly and they are in the freezer - in the garage. There is only me here. Can you help?

Thigh I think you should recruit several other Mumsnetters and get them to run the threads for you.

Btw, are you Maud's twin sister?

iklboo glad to see you back, why did you leave us before? Were you cured?

No, still coughing my kidneys up. And I couldn't hire a badger suit at short notice. You'd think Amazon would step up wouldn't you. Tsk.

Maud is ME! Ha ha you didn't even recognise me. Did you think I'd miss the start?

Oh dear Batshit. I see you made the classic mistake of murdering your husband and hiding his body in the garage BEFORE he got you the ice lolly.

I'm going to need assistance with this one. Pooter Project Thislido?

I have an airer of dry clean washing that needs sorting and putting away... But I'm cuddled up on the sofa with ddog on my lap and a giant cuppa, can anyone help please?

Aim could you set fire to it?

DH has very selfishly gone to the pub leaving me lollyless. Do you think I should LTB?

@thigh that's a brilliant idea. Oh is on the toilet so will delegate the fire starting to him when he returns to the living room. Thank you.

Bat take the opportunity to change the locks and order yourself a Fuckboy from Argos.

batshit we're going to need you to roll off the sofa. Take it slowly now. Wrap yourself in your slanket and roll to the freezer. Rest as often as you need to. Grab yourself a lolly, being careful not to disturb any bodies you may have stashed there.

Now, do not eat the lolly. Instead, when OH gets back, beat him very slowly to death with it for his negligence. The punishment should fit the crime.

iklboo would you like a new kidney? We have a bucket of organs we harvested earlier. We haven't found a surgeon to do the transplants yet but i do have a bucket, a spoon and a pritt stick.

Ooooh, new thread... shiny...

Project will there be the required velocity for death if the beating is slow?

Oooh thanks thigh. It'll come in handy after the pint of gin.

Thank you for the advice wise ones. It was an anticlimax. The lolly was a cheap version of the fruit pastille ones. it was shit. Back on the sofa now.

batshit the advice from project is spot on. However, have you considered having a small extra freezer installed next to your sofa? Marie Kondo is forever suggesting this.

Also a toilet, I believe pooter.

You’re right thigh. Do we have any drugs that inhibit movement we can supply to batshit

project it's always the elegant little touches that make a house a home!

I may be in the market for an organ - I'm just waiting for Mr Dirty Faeces to arrive so I can check. Can you tell me what you've got please?