I quit. I've had enough

[Mississippilessly]

Nearly 7 month old baby - sleep is getting progressively worse, not better. Pretty velcro during the day. I don't really get anything done. Has stopped feeding from my right. Cant pump to try and boost the supply because I just dont have the time. I look ridiculous. Spend most of my life bouncing on a fucking yoga ball in the dark.
Bored of people suggesting I have PND. I haven't had a full nights sleep in 7 months. I spend most of my time with a baby attached to me.
I'm not eating gluten or egg as he has suspected intolerances but I have got differing opinions from different paediatricians.

I'm done. I've had enough. No fucking way will we ever give him a sibling. What the fuck is the point of my life right now?

Sorry. As you were.

Fell asleep like an angel.
30 minutes later crying.
Asleep again now in my arms.
What is wrong with him? I'm so done with this. I havent had dinner. How am I going to get downstairs to eat?

This cant be my life. It just cant be. I'm in hell.

Oh OP, I've read the thread and have no real words of wisdom but I really feel for you. I wanted to share my experience of going away with formula, as nobody else has yet. I was also dreading it and it was fine.

I BF DD to about 7 months then slowly weaned to bottle over a month or so. Went away when she was 10 months, so a little bit older than yours, but she was still having 4 or 5 milk feeds a day/night.

We took a box of powder, and 4-5 bottles I think. We used the dishwasher and Milton fluid to sterilise BUT if you're going somewhere with a microwave I would really recommend the MAM self sterilising bottles and/or microwave steriliser bags - have been using these with DC2 and it's so easy, all you need is water.

We used the little premixed bottles for any feeds when we were out and about, but I don't know if they're available for the special formulas. If not, I'd either premix at home and keep in a cool bag with a freezer block thing, or else take a thermos of hot water, use a shot of this to sterilise the powder and then top up with cold water to make it drinkable. DD was happy to take formula at any temperature, which helped.

I'm not going to lie, formula is a bit of a hassle. But with formula you can share the hassle around the family more easily than with boobs, where any hassle that there is falls exclusively on you.

Well done, you are doing so brilliantly. I really hope that things improve.

Mississippilessly, not sure I have any advice for you, but by golly I'd love to give you a massive hug right now!
I had a non-sleeper (and none of mine were great!). I remember crying so often at night, and thinking wtf have I done? My life is ruined. He was super clingy for years.
But you are obviously such a wonderful caring mum. Trying so hard and giving your all to him. Don't minimise how fab you are, or think, I'm a rubbish mum because I can't get him to settle/sleep.
You are doing brilliantly, loving him and caring for him. It sounds so hard.
I remember thinking so often, there is something wrong. It isn't supposed to be like this. But I was told it was me, you don't know what you're doing, you fuss too much etc.
My DS doesn't have allergies, he has other issues. He does sleep like a regular teenager though,!
Follow your instincts, I really hope you get the answers and support you need.

You are a brilliant mum, it just really is this shitty, but it will get better. I know, I know. I used to want to smack people who said it will get better because that didnt fix anything for me when I needed it. You feel like your life is over, and while you're living like this it is, but it wont stay like this forever. In fact, you've had loads of excellent advice and a good plan so I'd be willing to bet that this time in a month you'll be in a better position. But until that happens you have my total sympathy and admiration. YOU ARE AMAZING!

OP I've been where you are. I had a sleep tracking watch, and by 6 months I averaged 3 hrs sleep a night, with my longest stretch being 40 mins. One night I had been standing and rocking her for so long that I fell asleep standing up. I woke up, still standing and rocking her, and thought "why am I carrying this heavy sack of potatoes? Potatoes need to live in a cool dark place. I should bury them into the garden."
I made it down to the back door to bury my daughter in the garden like a sack of potatoes before I realised what I was doing and how sleep deprived I was. I introduced formula at 6 months. She slept through the night within a month. Carried on breastfeeding til over a year.

Baby 2 was the same - exclusively breastfeeding til 6 months, mixed feeding til a year.

Baby 3 was the awkward one. DH left when I was pregnant, with a 2&3yr old, and she was born on the 75th centile. She lost weight and by 6 weeks weighed less than her birth weight and was on the 9th centile. Gosh knows why breastfeeding didn't work this time - stress, trying to do it all on my own, who knows. I started introducing formula at 8 weeks when the hospital said she had lost so much weight she had to be admitted and tube fed into her tummy. And BAM - a new baby. A happy, contended baby, that SLEEPS. At 7 months, she does 12 hrs at night and 3 in the day. In her cot.

I feel like your main concerns on the formula seem to be:

1. "I don't want to stop breastfeeding". You don't have to. Keep it up. Carry it on when it's lovely and close and just you two, and introduce some formula too. It doesn't have to be either/or. And actually, I personally found that with breastfeeding I always had a free hand, so was reading my kindle or phone, or watching tv because I didn't need to pay attention, but bottle feeding requires both hands, and I watch her carefully to check the teat is full etc. Her little eyes remain locked on mine the whole time. I love feeding her a bottle.

2. "It's a faff". It isn't. It really isn't. I don't know about special formulas, but the main brands you make up bottles with however many Oz of water, is that many scoops. So 6oz water is 6 scoops of formula etc. Get a bottle of cooled boiled water and keep it in the fridge. Get bottle - fill with 2oz of water from kettle, add in 6 scoops of formula, shake. Get cold water from fridge, measure out 4oz, add it in. Done.
   Sterilising is easy too (although by 7 months I don't sterilise any more - baby is already weaning and plates/cups/cutlery aren't sterilised, so as long as the bottle is washed out as soon as the bottle is finished and the bugs don't have time to grow, I just wash and put in dishwasher). Look at the bottle feeding section for tips.

I hope tonight is better for you. I hope your guests are kind to you. And mostly I hope that sometime very soon (and it will be. This will pass, this will pass, this will pass), you look back on his baby times and think "oh yes, it was a little tough I think, but mostly lovely! Let's have another!"

Mississipplessly I'm right with you lying next to DD patting, shushing, willing her to sleep. Stay strong and think of a plan of action. Definitely talk to the doctor and as someone suggested show videos. Try and eliminate medical issues then you know you can attempt sleep training. Good luck tonight!

If all else fails can you set up your pram carrycot downstairs and have baby in the kitchen while you get some food? Maybe just give up with bedtime for now if it isn’t working and try again later? Does your baby like white noise? An app playing that or sitting them in their pram/pushchair near to the washing machine while I was doing something for five minutes used to sometimes work to distract from grizzling?
Do you think a wrap or sling would be an option? I wasn’t great at using them for long periods, but could put DS up in a ring sling or wrap to eat something or potter about it DS insisted on being on me all day...
sorry you are so shattered with it all. It will pass but it’s not easy - as lots of others have already said!

Been there and had the T-shirt for five years - my DD is now 12. It does pass eventually and it does get better. We only survived by being a team. Between 7pm-10pm “I was off duty” I slept with ear plugs on a air bed in lounge (we lived in a small flat at the time). DH had baby after I’d fed them, if she didn’t settle he took her out, walked for miles with pram or baby carrier so I had guaranteed off duty rest and sleep for 2-3hrs before night shift started. He then slept 10pm-5am and took over 5-8am so I got another 2-3hrs. She never took bottles, we went straight onto sippy cups and either breast milk or formula. I too nearly broke completely from exhaustion you need support and help or neighter of you will survive. Good luck

Op I really fell for you and remember that age well. Lack of sleep is just awful! I am hearing that you have tried loads but nothings working. I wonder how long you give things before deciding they dont work. Babies take time to adjust to new things and usually kick back!
My advice would be to set out a really good daytime and evening routine and stick to it as best you can. I liked the baby whisperers books when dc was little and this helped me establish a routine.
Personally co sleeping never worked for me as I couldn't properly sleep and we all ended up being restless. I would try cot in your room next to you, continue with white noise, formula for evening feed (get dh to help) and then to settle my dc when they were unsettled I would just lay my hand on tummy (sometimes for hours!) but it worked! I did a lot of 'shushing' noises also! I tried not to pick up at this age but always stayed with them until the were calm/or sleeping.
I am glad you have a sleep consultant. Good luck x

Bless you OP, you're doing such a good job in such hellish circumstances. It WILL get better.

What you said about food intolerances rang massive bells with me. I found the medical professionals were woefully ill-informed about food intolerances and really didn't think it was important if the baby was gaining weight appropriately. However, it IS important to you all, clearly!

It sounds as if eliminating gluten and egg from your diet made a positive impact. It also sounds as if there was a backwards step when your baby was weaning. I'm wondering whether (a) there were things in the solid food that your baby was intolerant too, e.g. maybe they were ok with dairy proteins via breast milk but having actual milk in things caused stomach pain? and (b) whether there could have been any egg or gluten hiding in the foods you were weaning with? (eg the Ella's Kitchen packs have a bit of egg in the rice noodles that are in the baby food packs),

I've been through this twice and continued breastfeeding but gave up dairy and soy and it made a huge difference. However if it was also gluten and egg I would have found it harder, so who's to say what I would have done!

Perhaps you could restrict the solids that you are offering for a while, to see if there are any triggers there?

Even if you introduce formula you are likely to have to figure out your baby's intolerances as you introduce solids, btw...

I'm so certain he has reflux. He is waking in invious discomfort. Weaning seems to be making it worse.
I've just found a reflux specialist but she is literally hundreds of pounds for a phone call.
Wtf do I do.

Not trying to teach you to suck eggs here, but just checking the basics first - if he's up feeding a lot in the night then waking shortly after, are you winding him after each feed?

So many BF mums feed baby lying down/feed baby to sleep, then when baby wakes up an hour later pulling legs up and in pain, they think something is wrong, and forget that it could be trapped wind. IMO its a big misconception that BF babies don't need burping - most definitely do! I always found mine woke a lot less if after a feed I walked round with them over my shoulder for 5mins and got two decent burps. They would then settle in their cots better and not wake a short while later.

Miss, tbh you are not mentally well.
You say things like your life is pointless, you are in hell, which hint at suicidal thoughts.
You kicked your cat...if that is genuinely out of character, you are not well. Poor cat, and I'd be much harsher if you weren't in this state. It could seriously be your baby, your DH! or yourself, you hurt next.
Please get help. Go to your GP, get an urgent appointment on Monday, discuss whether your baby has reflux or something else going on too, but please tell them honesty how you feel. Show them this thread. If you or others are not safe until then, go to A&E. You can also call 111. I don't mean to sound patronising but you know there are also the Samaritans if you need to vent.

Did you not call the GP? Call the OOH they can send a prescription to your local pharmacy.

Oh OP I've been there. It's shit.
Mine had reflux and infant gaviscon and gripe water helped (sorry i cant remember the minimum age for either).
I wish I'd moved on to formula sooner, I wish I hadn't co-slept as it got us into bad habits, I wish I'd not done Cry It Out which didn't work anyway. Must mostly I wish I'd been kinder to myself. I tried my best but I beat myself up so much that it has really affected my mental health.
Buy easy things to snack on when you miss dinner, let the housework slide, sleep when you can, at any time of day. It will get better and it will all be worth it in the end.

OP I hope you managed at least some sleep last night? I have RTFT and can't see but do you have a sling? I had to reflux/velcro babies and literally the only thing that helped me and then was a sling as it not only kept them more upright which helped, but meant I had my arms free so could put them in it put coat on and just walk. Or if things were really bad and I couldn't face outside just do the bouncy sway to get them off to sleep.

Meant during the day they would nap on me but tbh it was that or nothing, and at least I had my arms free and could then sit down myself and rest.

Will you stop stressing yourself and everyone else out and just give the child a bottle of formula? You can buy pre-prepped preparations, in little cartons. Just give baby to husband, armed with a bottle, instructions on how to sterilise and said carton and go the fuck to sleep before you do harm to someone. Better yet - just tell him to FUCKING GOOGLE IT!!!
Then go and sleep.

Broken11girl thanks, but honestly I am.not suicidal. I'm really not. I just feel a but bleak when its every evening.

Whatad if I was confident that would solve it i would. But I am really worried that he has an allergy.

Is it upper GI pain or lower GI pain?

Sometimes you can tell where the discomfort seems to be. My guy was definitely in his guts, you could see by the way he drew up his legs and as straining in pain in his sleep. He was clearly trying to digest something and it wasn't working it's way through. But millions of acidic vile nappies. So I suspected it wasn't reflux.

You really don't need to pay £££ for a reflux expert. You can speak to your HV and GP for free but you need to go to them ready to fight your corner.

At the moment your baby is not displaying signs of anything horrendously unusual and you should be able to get help using the free resources out there.

I know it's hard to think clearly through desperation and exhaustion - I really do, but from what you've said so far, and filtering the advice from others, I'd suggest this is what needs to happen. It won't be immediate but you could see improvement sooner than you think:

1. you need to establish whether it is reflux causing the pain / lack of sleep. Your options are to medicate (ranitidine then if that doesn't help, omeprazole). Alongside this you will need to remove possible allergens eg soya, CMP and egg and maybe wheat.

2. you don't need the paediatrician to get reflux meds. Just your GP. Ask for an emergency appointment tomorrow and tell them how desperate you are. You need to be insistent. Clearly state you have tried all the normal methods to settle baby but it has reached the point you and baby cannot carry on like this. Take a video of your baby in distress. No joy? Call the HV and get them round to observe and go back to GPs.

3. following from above you may want to introduce formula and if so, prescription formula if you are not getting desired results from reflux meds. Most GPS should be asking you back to review the success of reflux meds and suggesting elimination diet and / or special formula as the next step any way. What you choose to do is about getting the best solution for everyone. Down the line, you'll just be glad to get the right results, please don't agonise over the significance of introducing formula as it won't help your wellbeing.

Once you've tried these options and given them enough weeks (I believe it takes 8 weeks of being dairy free for there to be no trace in breast milk but I might not have remembered correctly) you can then consider whether there is anything else at play or whether to try sleep training but you are not going to be happy until you can rule out reflux.

Meanwhile, if you haven't already, join some CMPA / allergies / reflux Facebook groups to get helpful ideas and some solidarity.

Make sure you're feeding baby in an upright position (even when BF) and keeping upright for at least 30 mins after a feed, and have cot elevated at one end.

OP, just cosleep.

i have monumental regrets about my own stubborn ways in that regard - I was on my knees and would have been a far better parent if I had had enough sleep.

myotherusernameismyrealone thank you- that really helped me calm down!

I've talked to DH who thinks we should try sleep training first to rule that out. I'm nervous of that.
We have agreed that I cannot give up dairy, soy, wheat and egg. Kudos to people that have but I just cant, it will push me over the edge and I think its important that I listen to myself.

So that means formula. Now when I gave up dairy and soy before we saw no improvement in the nappies at all - I did it properly for 6 weeks. So I dont think he has CMPA.

So my plan is:
Today im not going to give him a meal at dinner time. I dont think that is helping. He will have something at lunch and had fruit for breakfast.
This evening DH is going to give him (or try to give him) a bottle. I'm going to leave the house and cry.
If by some miracle he sleeps better then problem solved.
If he doesn't I'm going to go to the GP tomorrow and ask for ranitidine again.
I'm not going to mess around with giving him egg or wheat until we have seen the dietician.

Does that make sense as a plan? Not changed since yesterday, just expanded.

SeasonalVag we do co sleep