Is your life still shit? I can solve all your problems....forever.

[pineapplebryanbrown]

I'm a non medically trained self appointed internet nurse. As I am unfettered by knowledge or training I can help you to solve every problem you have. Step inside my lovely advice clinic which is staffed by myself and my team of kindly Agony Aunts.

I will appeal to be exempted from any pube minimum length requirement law Project announces, as age seems to have diverted the growth into my nostril hair.
It is useful though as can be plaited and used to suspend emergency supplies of snacks (tip: pretzels can be threaded and eaten straight of the plait, freeing up hands for plucking truffles and Chanterelles from the groin ditto hula hoops).

MrsCat what's the deal with Bastard Cat these days? Is he with us or against us?

I've git a cough that WILL NOT GO AWAY and two people at work today asked my boss if I had TB.

Norris I will send my pigs, they are frantic with the smell of my truffles.
Slip one of them into your Aunt's pocket, send her out into the garden to admire your Stiffcock (Latin name Diospyros Crassenevis) she won't be visiting anybody uninvited again.
Slip two into your DM's since she is the real problem.
She can admire your Knobweed (Getting will know this, it's from Ozzy Land Hyptis Capitata)

Iklboo Retire to your sofa, wrap yourself in slanket and chain smoke 5 Embassy No.6. It cures all coughs.
Or...
Drink 5 bottles of Syrup of Figs, you'll be too frightened to cough.

We certainly have lots of Knobweeds in Austraalya

norris can you go back to your old house "by mistake" ? By the time you wander back home they'll all be gone.

Next time you move house just don't tell your Mum!

lad you are so resourceful!

no I too rejoice in short legs, and my feet are always cold. Have you seen the cost of Uggs?

Thigh I have accidentally discovered a more lethal use for the crotch truffles.
They can be used to target...err...targets, pigs will home in and do their business.
Do you think that could work Thigh? Or would we better of selling them to John Torode and his fucking annoying greengrocer pal, then we could buy Arsenal.
Are we buying football clubs or guns?
I'm hammered and can't remember.

It's no good living your life like a candle in the wind if you have metre long pubes. Trust me on this.

iklboo tell them yes, you do have tb. You'll find that people bother you a lot less that way.

Caroline I can't seem to get the hang of wrapping pubes round my feet - I'm not as young as I once was and no longer have the necessary flexibility.

iklboo embrace the TB lable and go in tomoz dressed as a badger. Cough away.

I tried plaiting my pubes and threading beads on them, but the clacking whenever I turned over kept me awake.

We’re buying Monster Munch and slankets LadDead. Mumsnet gave me an ad for guns and I was horrified and complained immediately.

Doghair the beads are no use for anything. Follow Lad’s example and thread on pretzels. Or onion rings

I consider myself an expert on dogs, well dog hair, anyway. You can wipe your nose on them, but I find they're generally happy to lick the snot-drip off directly. Mine are quite good for mopping up the worst of the piss, too, so I'm only sitting in a damp slanket and not a sopping wet one.

Where do you all get your pubes cut when they've passed the metre mark? Barbers or hairdressers? And do you have to sit upside down in the chair?

Getting, onion rings, Donuts, bagels, ohhh, I am inspired. Thanks.

iklboo if you’re going into work dressed as a badger, don’t forget the pretzels and onion rings to complete the costume. You need to make it convincing

Just fan them out on a log noway and use an axe. Hairdressers and barbers are very unprofessional when it comes to pube clipping.

Noway the Fuckboys normally come in with the hedge trimmers at that point. There’s only so much bush they can deal with.

(Or so I’ve been told)

Remember to keep your clippings for iklboo's badger costume.

I have to do it myself? With my eyesight?