Is Your Life Shit? I can solve all your problems

[pineapplebryanbrown]

I am a kindly non medically trained self appointed internet nurse. I am unfettered by knowledge or training and I run a lovely advice clinic. Please bring me your problems and I will solve them, forever.

Ha, found you all! Plenty of problems for you thigh

No word from Her Chunkiness? You've scared her off with all your clever smugness. Funny, eh?

I’m slightly disappointed she / he hasn’t followed us. She / he isn’t the woman / man I thought she / he was.

Obsidian could you try doing your job better than your manager? There’s nothing more terrifying than realising your staff are snapping at your heels.

Or if that’s a bit tiring, just go and do a poo on his desk. That should get the message across.

Hi Pooter yes were too smug and clever with our nonsense, it was proven!

Project there's a thought - I automatically assumed pineapple was a she!

Bloody hell. You all move so quick. I only went off for 5 mins to change my gin IV. I need to catch up on these security breaches. Release the Chimeras into the moat!

I’ve fucked up and stood someone up for a meeting. I have emailed apologising profusely and will take chocolates next time I see them. What can I do in the meantime to make me feel like less of a fucking fucking rude wankbadger and ensure I get to sleep before 4am?

I’m such a fucking twat.

Hello MrsCat - yes we had an intruder no less. Hostile it was!! A chunky fruit!

Judge you aren't a twat, and even if you are you'll fit right in here so don;t panic. Was this a personal meeting like a date or a friend or a colleague for work?

It was more work than personal.

Judge it sounds like this meeting was outside of your own home? It really is unreasonable of them to expect you to move. They are the wankbadgers. All this stress can’t be good for you. Put yourself down for a relaxing nap to recuperate.

I have a crush on a married member of the clergy. He is not married to God. I have been watching Fleabag as therapy. Not working very well for some reason!

Judge I second Project's advice. Sod them they sound insane and demanding. They should leave you alone to rest and enjoy your life. have a lovely sleep. If they give you a hard time tomorrow, just flick them the bird, right up in their mush and say 'Fuck you, arse-wipe'.

Then crash about the office in a mood so that nobody dares give you any work.

judge the person you were meeting has very likely done the same thing at least once in their life. These things happen. And you did say sorry!

Crow if he's not married to God, could you join his marriage and become a sister wife?

Judge you must comfort yourself with the fact that everyone is secretly pleased when a meeting doesn't go ahead.

If it was in an office then they will have been delighted to get an extra lease of time into their day.

If it was outside, like at a coffee shop, you just gave them some free personal time. They probably went shopping or mumsnetted with gay abandon. Even if they had to travel it will have been worth the journey.

Ruffle maybe we could capture him for you and keep him in a cage for your personal use. I think we did it before on thread 2 with a sexy teacher, but we did forget to feed him and he died.

Oh well dems the breaks.

Shall we set a trap for him?

I've just started a 26 hour journey to Florida (three flights) how do I ensure I feel fresh as a daisy when I get to my destination as I really struggle to sleep on planes. Insult to injury I'm travelling for work not pleasure.

Ruffle I've heard that house clearance firms uncover all sorts of weird shit from homes of the deceased clergy. Just be grateful his wife took that burden before you appeared.

If that makes him sound more enticing then you need actual therapy rather than televised therapy. Or a project of some kind. Could you crochet your own life-size clergyman? If you tire of its company, perhaps it could be a raffle prize at a church fete. Oy you could deliver it to his house at the dead of night, arranging it so it's face is pressed against the window, clutching a 'Thinking of You' card.

butterboo there is no need to actually sleep, just shut your eyes and rest, it's surprisingly affective.

Are you an exiled Disney character? You might get an upgrade if you are.

thislido do you remember the time we all tattooed eyes on our eyelids so we could take naps and everyone would think we were awake and listening?

Well maybe Butterboo could do that tomorrow!

Thanks thislido that's a strangely comforting thought! Sadly my crochet skills aren't quite up to it

They aren't yet, Ruffle, but start at the feet and you'll be uncannily accurate by the time you get to the face.

The ads are telling me I need H&M jeans!!

As IF I could get my arse into H&M jeans!

Good point, Dangly, and she can just get stick on eyes, there's bound to be a kid on there with a sticker book. If she screams enough someone will pass it to her as a distraction.

Maybe someone will have a packet of those google eyes!

I'm getting adverts for severe hand eczema. It's tempting. I bet it discourages contact.