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Original poster

Is Your Life Shit? I can solve all your problems

999 replies

pineapplebryanbrown · 01/04/2019 19:07

I am a kindly non medically trained self appointed internet nurse. I am unfettered by knowledge or training and I run a lovely advice clinic. Please bring me your problems and I will solve them, forever.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
18
MrsMozartMkII · 02/04/2019 06:34

Project I'm very sorry about the bum in your tea, though it wasn't my bum or there wouldn't be any tea left...

Dog Good point re Project's kitchen! I like my tea sans anything but leaves and water.

DanglyTassles · 02/04/2019 07:34

Wooaaah! I had an amazing dream!

Someone came up through the trapdoor to troll our thread again,! It was an angry fruit and it seemed very cross! I gave it a lovely hug, killed it's bad attitude with kindness and it changed into a loving kind fruit and it admitted it was very happy in Thighland.

It turned out to be an excellent problem solver as it understood people with anger issues perfectly!

We all lived happily together after that! [heart emoticon]

DanglyTassles · 02/04/2019 07:38

Ghost you should do whatever makes you happy! The cat will not mind and will end up a better looking cat without the carbuncles that currently adorn it's face! It will then be able to chase more skirt/attract more cat cock!

Win/win

DanglyTassles · 02/04/2019 07:42

Hello MrsMozart I also had a dream I ate the bum I found in my tea! I suppose it was because I was talking about it last night!

Anyway I didn't like the bum! It wasn't like Monster Munch. Project I would definitely take the offending bum out and put it on the side of your saucer!

Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 02/04/2019 07:57

I'd better get up and have a hot cup of bum. Since I steep my own bum in it I'm wondering whether i should start drinking tea out of a spaghetti pan, maybe too narrow.

OP posts:
CarolinePooter · 02/04/2019 08:01

Wow, lots of overnight chatting, but I like the crocheted vicar best. Thislido you are obviously extremely talented! I have tried to teach myself to crochet but I get all mixed up. I could maybe crochet an amoeba and pretend it was a vicar. I am quite skilled at darning though
make do and mend - so if any knitted vicars wore out I could mend them.

CarolinePooter · 02/04/2019 08:02

I would imagine the knees go first.

Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 02/04/2019 08:03

Dangly pineapple has never struck me as a kind and cuddly fruit, not like a Thigh, or a kumquat.

OP posts:
CarolinePooter · 02/04/2019 08:04

thigh use one of those massive barge teapots.

DanglyTassles · 02/04/2019 08:04

Oh hello pineapple!its lovely to see you again! Sorry I missed you, you called during my bedtime nap!

I hope you'll be back today! We missed you! I feel you know that Thighland is your spiritual home and your anger is a futile resistance to this fact.

I see you called us stupid this time! That's ok (no judgement) we are understanding that your transition to the thighway is a struggle you need to process in your inner thigh but I did prefer when you called us smug and (so clever). That triggered my megalomania and I enjoyed it. I don't mind the 'stupid' comment either but it does less for me IYSWIM.

Either way welcome back pineapple I hope to see you soon. We can solve all your problems you know!

DanglyTassles · 02/04/2019 08:09

thigh I'm appealing to her better nature I think she just needs a hug!

Huggies pineapple ?

How's your cup of bum? Maybe bath water would be better to make steeped bum?

Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 02/04/2019 08:11

Do we have any unsolved problems for me to ponder over my first two coffees?

OP posts:
MrsCatE · 02/04/2019 08:15

Ghost I know you're not really interested why your cat has acne but I may have the answer. Are his / her / self ID food or water bowls plastic? If do, may be an allergic reaction and change to ceramic or stainless steel. Ooh, was this 'clever'?

CarolinePooter · 02/04/2019 08:16

dangly you know MNetters bath at intervals ranging from 6 times a day to only at the full moon! Should people really be storing old bath water for their tea?

Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 02/04/2019 08:16

I'm starting to smell odd like a mix of cheese and vinegar. Do you think it's something serious? Or just rolled in too many snax?

OP posts:
CarolinePooter · 02/04/2019 08:19

mrscat were you St Francis of Assisi in a previous life? Are there crocheted shrines in your honour? Well there should be!!

Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 02/04/2019 08:21

I'm worried about pineapple i can tell she wants to be our friend but can't make the transition. She should realise that we are TRAs here and welcome transfruits. She really wants a kumquat, it's really not all it's cracked up to be, but hey.

OP posts:
CarolinePooter · 02/04/2019 08:21

Get the steamer out, thigh (from Gwynnie)

DanglyTassles · 02/04/2019 08:21

Pooter I think to make steeped bum it might be ok but not usually!!

Can you do invisible mending?

I have a pair of trousers that have been around since dodos we're alive and I imagined they still 'fit' me but they don't so I split them all up my fat arse! I wondered if you could not only mend them but add a huge extra area for accommodating my additional arse? Like a whole parachute added to the arse area? But invisible?

Don't worry if not! I can always just wear my slanket out with no pants on so no panic.

thigh did you roll in picked onion juice? Oh no wait it's the piss! You are being pickled alive! That's ok too!

lightlypoached · 02/04/2019 08:28

Today's problem needing the ministrations of @thighofrelief101

I have left the house bound for Manchester wearing a groovy knee length leather skirt (so far so good unless you are vegan) and optimistically went with bare legs , no tights (hate tights). Do I a) delight the world all day with my cold purple blotchy knees or b) run to boots at euston station and try tone

DanglyTassles · 02/04/2019 08:29

thigh maybe she wants to be a Sharon Fruit?

lightlypoached · 02/04/2019 08:30

Oops. B) rush to boots at euston to buy hated hosiery and then struggle in tiny Virgin trains loo (that actually talks to you -I shit you not) to get the bloody things on ?

Ps one other problem is my brokeny Iphone

DanglyTassles · 02/04/2019 08:33

poached you don't sound comfy!

I think you should ask CarolinePooter if she can attach some slanket material to the bottom of your skirt for warmth.

In the summer just go naked and don't worry about these trifles!

As for the phone! Murder is the only solution! Phones need strict discipline or they'll never respect you!

CarolinePooter · 02/04/2019 08:38

dangly I have done extensive research in this area (ahem) having had some nice linen trousers BARGAIN ONES! which were a touch snug in the gusset area. If you can pinch a bit of matching fabric e.g. from inside the hem, you can open out the front and side seams and insert it where they meet. It puts a diamond shape just where you need it, and just looks like a tailoring feature. I procrastinated so long before doing this that I lost weight and now the trousers fit me!

YouTube is good for all this, likewise putting extra bits at the waistband. I could watch dressmaking demos for hours, it is very similar to watching someone digging a hole in the road ;-)

thislido · 02/04/2019 08:39

I like the friendly virgin trains loos. Walk up the train to the disabled one so you have more more space to flail around with your tights as the train bumps around. Try not to hit the open door button in the process.

Give us your destination for more precise advice.