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Original poster

Worried of what husband will do

235 replies

Sh21 · 24/03/2019 01:10

First time posting and its taken alot to do so. My husband and i were going through a rough time last year, he was treating me badly and i was living on eggshells. We separated for a few months and i got talking to a work colleague, things got flirty over texts but nevee anything physical.
I'd been out one night and got spiked, i called my husband and he picked me up, while i was out of it he read the messages on my phone. Of course things were awful and I'd made everything so much worse. Since then we've tried to make things work. So days are good others he makes my life hell, threatening to come to my workplace and beat this othee guy up. I can't see a way out of this and i really don't know what to do. I'm not excusing my behaviour but how long do i put up with being shouted at and being uncontrollably upset by the things he is saying.
I just need someone to talk to 😢

OP posts:
Loseitandkeepitlost · 27/03/2019 20:35

So that confirms that his tears and promises to change are just bullshit. The attempts to manipulate, control and threaten you are ongoing. Even if you leave you have to take a lie detector test?? Who the hell does he think he is.

You are not trapped by his words, you are free to leave whenever you choose.

Tilikum · 27/03/2019 21:45

He's still threatening you, what happened to his tears and promises?!

He has no power over you and the moment you realise that, you're free. He can't make you take a lie detector, he can't force you to stay, he can't do anything to you unless you allow it. So move your things out, text him telling him it's over and then block him on everything. You have the power here, he has none.

But, please, don't tell him you're leaving when you're alone with him. He's already shown how violent he is. You might think he would never hurt you, but the two women a week who are killed by their partners probably all thought that too.

Good luck. Flowers

MzHz · 27/03/2019 22:36

You know? Some men like yours op, when they are left by their victim, they buy charity shop clothes a couple of sizes too big so they look haggard and withered...

They all cry at some point or other and most will mention killing themselves. Sooner or later, when you don’t snap back into your role; they go down the list of twat-tics and they pull these out of the bag.

Ignore all of his shit and focus solely on your escape and the future beyond that.

You must leave him, you must focus on this to the exclusion of pretty much anything else.

You can do this

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
Totaldogsbody · 27/03/2019 23:01

The only control he has over you is the control you allow him to have. Why does he think if you leave him you'll take a lie detector test? It's because he knows he still has a hold over you. Go home to your parents, forget about him. The minute you go through that door and dont look back is when the shackles you've been wearing are taken off. It's entirely up to you, you've been told by others who have suffered the same abuse how much better life can be. You've probably watched countless tv shows and asked yourself why doesn't she leave him? Well that person is you and we are all asking that same question. Please don't think I'm being flippant I genuinely feel for you and dont want you ending up in a hospital bed or worse. Try and look at this through our eyes, what would you tell me to do if I was going through the same thing? Do that.

Crabbyandproudofit · 27/03/2019 23:12

You have to leave. He says he believes you but he doesn't behave as if he does. And it doesn't matter what you do, he will carry on like this so long as you let him. You could do a hundred lie detector tests (DON'T) and he would find something else to bully you with. This situation is not healthy for either of you, not making either of you happy (unless you believe that he is enjoying abusing you) so walk away. You are not responsible for how he chooses to behave afterwards, nor even how he is choosing to behave now. You are not helping him by staying around to be his emotional punch bag.

Oliversmumsarmy · 28/03/2019 01:34

You are not actually trapped op.
The only person who is conceivably trapping you is you.

Once you no longer can be bothered to try to work out what bollocks he is coming out with is the day you will be free.

Move on op.

Do you actually believe he would get himself arrested and inprisoned beating up a guy when he can scare you witless just by using threatening language.

Do you think he is going to make out he is the hard done by idiot who couldn’t keep his wife

You will leave eventually. We are just giving you advice to not waste any more of your life on this bully he isn’t going to change

Original poster
Sh21 · 28/03/2019 06:19

I spoke to my friend last night, told her everything. She was so supportive. She said she will help me get my things, and if i need to i can stay at hers as he doesn't know where she lives. He's now trying tobsay he believes me, when i say its too far gone he starts getting ready and says he's following me to work!

OP posts:
Loseitandkeepitlost · 28/03/2019 07:00

Stop communicating with him, it achieves nothing. If you’re going to leave then pack some things when he’s not there and go. Once you’re safe you can let him know you’ve gone.

cordeliavorkosigan · 28/03/2019 07:07

Do not listen to him. He is trying to reel you back in. He'll keep doing this, and he won't change.
And you are not alone. We're all here right behind you. Sounds like your parents and friends are supportive too.

ThinkOfAWittyNameLater · 28/03/2019 07:41

Could you tell your line manager that you are leaving your abusive husband and are worried he will try to make trouble at work?

Everywhere I have worked has had some form of security that would be able to keep someone away from me if I needed. And they would be more than prepared to call the police if that's what it took.

He's trying to trick you into thinking he has power over you. He has none.

Oh, and he's right. No-one else will love you like he does, because he doesn't love you at all. And thank god no-one else will treat you as he does, because it's an appalling way to treat anyone.

Tell your parents everything. Tell your line manager the essentials: abusive, aggressive, has threatened to bring his troubles to work.

Good luck today.

HeavenlyEyes · 28/03/2019 08:01

hang on - he already beat up a colleague at work? And what did the police do about that?

You need to speak to the police and Women's Aid. Stop being lured in with his cycle of abuse. You need to get out and if you need outside agencies to help you do that then so be it.

Do not tell him you are leaving or try to rationalise anything with him. The time you are going is the most dangerous so you need to go when he has no knowledge of you leaving.

Chiaroscura · 28/03/2019 08:52

He won't change. He'll just become more so. The more you try to appease him, the more control he'll have over you. Ask yourself this. Where do you see yourself in ten years' time? Taking the same abuse and being controlled in the same way?

cestlavielife · 28/03/2019 09:03

Stop talking to him
Stop listening to him
It s just bla bla
You need to.get away
Get a personalwarm and keep.charged mobile on you to call 999 if you are threatenend

Gazelda · 28/03/2019 09:18

Go into work. Talk to your manager and/or HR. Explain what is going on. They will want to know about threats to one of their staff as well as your personal welfare.
Email your mum and tell her everything.
Go stay with your mum or friend. Get them
To help you get your stuff out of the house.
Get a solicitor
Text your ex and tell him that work and your family know what happened while you were on a break and his subsequent abuse. Tell him to only communicate through your solicitor
Then block him.
You're going to have a stressful few months. But then it will be behind you. Far better that than a life of fear and misery.

Original poster
Sh21 · 28/03/2019 09:20

He's sending me messages begging me. He hasnt gone to work today either.

No he hasn't beat a colleague up, i didn't make myself clear. I meant if i left hes said he would do that.

There is security on site, but its an open site thatvthe public can access

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 28/03/2019 09:25

Turn your phone off or at least block him.

He really is feeling like he is losing control of you and bringing out all the usual weapons that have worked on you before.

Go to your friends tonight and I would inform the police about what he has said he will do.

They will accompany you to the house to get your stuff.

Please don’t go back.

AlunWynsKnee · 28/03/2019 09:32

He is really worried that he's losing control now. This can be a dangerous time so you must tell your manager today. He probably won't make a scene in public but it's not guaranteed so you need to be with someone today. And you really need to not go home tonight. At least not alone.

HotpotLawyer · 28/03/2019 10:06

Oh love.
He is so plainly an abusive controlling bully. He is twanging every possible string, threats, blackmail, emotional blackmail.

It is great you have the support of your Mum and your friend. Leave him, and look up The Freedom Programme. It will help you a lot.

Is there anyone at work you can trust? HR? Your line manager? Tell security straight that they need to look out for him and block him?

You have done nothing wrong.

Leave him, the longer you stay the deeper his hold, the deeper his hold the greater the abuse. The greater the abuse the lower your self esteem. The lower your self esteem the harder it is to leave.......

MzHz · 28/03/2019 10:27

If you reply, he knows he has your attention

Call work, tell them what’s going on and if they can help keep you safe

Call the police and tell them what he’s doing and saying and tell them about the threats he’s making -

Get help to get this man out of your life.

mummmy2017 · 28/03/2019 10:28

You know your doing the best for yourself, and your life, you need a new chance to live...

Fannybaws52 · 28/03/2019 10:45

OP, it's time to block him. He will keep the cycle going. Suicide threats are next. It's textbook!

Speak to your boss at work and explain you are leaving your abusive husband and you are worried he will cause problems at work. They can safeguard you and if they know there may be issues, they can help you.

Next, you call 101 and tell the Police the same and that he has threatened to assault your co worker and to follow you and make you take a lie detector and you are trying to leave.

If you must text back, you say the relationship is over. You do not want to speak to or see him and that you will report him to Police if he continues to harass you. Then block him.

Get your things and go to your friends and take the Freedom programme. You have been trained to respond to him and it will take you time to undo that. None of this is normal or acceptable.

You can do it!

Wallywobbles · 28/03/2019 12:02

He only has power because you have secrets. Tell your parents take his power away. Then take a day off work and move out. Delete all the tracking Stuff on your phone first though

HeavenlyEyes · 28/03/2019 13:29

Agree block him - and please tell the police about his threats and blackmail.

Original poster
Sh21 · 28/03/2019 13:55

I've spoken to my mum and dad!!
And my manager!
He is hounding me

OP posts:
SweetAsSpice · 28/03/2019 14:06

You are doing so well. Today is the beginning of the rest of your happy, healthy, and fear free life. Take that power back.