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Original poster

Keeping dc home when I'm sick

213 replies

Woolywalrus · 21/03/2019 09:39

I don't send my dc to nursery or school when I'm sick as I can't pick them up at the end of the day. I wasn't able to leave my bed and this has happened just a few times over the last few years, probably 1-2 times a year for a day or 2 if you average it out. So not too often.

Normally Dh drops them off in the morning and I pick them up after work from aftercare as he works too late.

So if I'm too sick I keep them home. The eldest organises food for them and they just watch TV quietly.

My friend was shocked to hear I do this but she has her parents close by to help out so has that option for help.

So is this unreasonable and do other parents not do this? I'm sure lots do if they have no family or close friends to help.

Also my dc pretty healthy and don't have much time off school. The eldest has not had time off sick for a couple of years now. We also don't go away on holidays during term time.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 21/03/2019 16:26

The op says herself she can’t care for them, not us.

Bookworm4 · 21/03/2019 16:26

@springisallaround
What you do is what most people would, struggle down to sofa, I'm
disbelieving that OP cannot get out of bed at all it's ridiculous; what about toilet, food etc.

Hugtheduggee · 21/03/2019 16:31

Spring, thats totally different. The OP here has said that she cpuldnt make it.out of bed even, thst the older one makes lunch, is told not to use appliances etc. This isnt a lying on the sofa vaguely supervising situation. The OP is so poorly that she could not make it into a taxi outside her house, stopping at the school/nursery.

It sounds utterly miserable, but its not an appropriate level of care for a toddler. Why the husband cant finish early a couple of times a year I dont know...

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Gazelda · 21/03/2019 16:33

Without knowing the detail of your health issues (none of my business), I'm surprised that you know in the morning that you won't be well enough to collect them from after school care later in the afternoon?
Surely it's better to send them into school/nursery with DH as usual, then worry about how to get them home again if really necessary.

There must be options -
DH leaves work early
They stay at after school care later until DH finishes work
Your friend who was horrified does you a favour by picking them up
Another parent at school brings them home
You drag yourself out in a taxi

I'm very surprised that you're surprised at MNers' shock at you keeping the DC off and letting the eldest take care of their sibling

NoCauseRebel · 21/03/2019 16:34

Well,according to my google search there are an estimated 700000 young carers in the UK who care for a parent, some as young as five years old.

So clearly social services aren’t considering this to be neglect even though mumsnetters are.

It goes without saying that OP needs to get some support and that this shouldn’t be seen to be the norm. But equally it’s possible that because OP has an illness and also because she only does the school pick-up on way home from work that she is not familiar with the school parents, and she already stated that she doesn’t have family nearby.

We’re not talking about the flu here, the OP says she has had cancer in the past and that she now has other health problems. Long-term health issues which flare up are not the same as a common everyday illness, and there’s a difference between being able to get out of bed to walk to the toilet on the same level and being able to walk down the stairs because you’re feeling like you’re about to pass out.

Some people can manage with the flu, others can’t. Some people have support, others don’t.

Can we stop with the blame and accusations and suggest ways the OP can seek professional help when need be?

Palominoo · 21/03/2019 16:35

You do what you think best for you and your chikdren/family.

1/2 days a year off school is not a problem. If the days increase then you will have to consider asking for help in getting them to and from school.

Depending on age of children you could have them do some educational stuff at home even if it's them in bed with you watching a documentary on a tablet etc.

Bookworm4 · 21/03/2019 16:35

@hugee
Again if she's that ill should she not be getting medical care. So if there was a fire would she just lie there? She stated earlier it's colds/viruses even the worst of these you could struggle downstairs to be with two young kids.

happyhillock · 21/03/2019 16:37

Nickynacky, i lay on settee most of the day, she watched tv, best i could do under the circumstances, if your ill your ill, oh she didn't go to school next day either, what a bad mother

Barrenfieldoffucks · 21/03/2019 16:37

Helping care for a parent is very different to being in charge of other kids and not going to school.

kaytee87 · 21/03/2019 16:38

If this happens so infrequently then on those days your DH needs to do drop off and pick up. If it happens more frequently than you're describing then you need to speak to the school about a long term solution.
Would your health conditions be considered a disability? You may get more help from the authorities if so.

m0therofdragons · 21/03/2019 16:45

There are other alternatives here. I can't get my head around anyone thinking this is acceptable. Dc at nursery then okay (although when I'm that ill I can't deal with dc so getting them to nursery so I can rest was always a priority. Mine are primary age and I'd never expect 8yo to miss school and be a carer for a sibling. 8 yo can go in a taxi if you really don't have any friends or dh ask for flexibility 2 times a year at work for childcare issues. Your go-to option is bizarre to me.

NoCauseRebel · 21/03/2019 16:45

Tbh I would be more concerned about the fact that the OP states the children don’t have friends. Why is this?

When I get a cold I take to my bed and barely move from it. Because when I had the flu last I developed sepsis and will now likely need a heart transplant in the future. So any cold/flu virus is something I take very, very seriously. I am in heart failure and colds etc can lead to fluid on my lungs which in turn could kill me.

My DC are teens as stated above so it’s not an issue, but given that I too know no-one in the area and my partner is not local, if I were in the same position as the OP with young DC I don’t know what I would do.

But we are talking about three days off school in the past two school years, not missing their education as a regular event.

The OP needs support. If the OP’s condition is serious enough she may qualify for PIP. A childminder to pick up the kids may be a consideration, and equally what she would do in an emergency may not be something she’s considered if nothing like that has ever happened before.

Thirtyrock39 · 21/03/2019 16:47

I've had to ask parents I vaguely know to walk my (sensible ) children to school once when I had horrible d and v and knew I wouldn't make the walk to school. I'm sure most parents would happily walk a couple of extra kids as a one off if parents you know walk near your house
I think it's pretty bleak for the kids missing school and not having supervision at home

NoCauseRebel · 21/03/2019 16:47

And it may be precisely because the OP doesn’t have friends or family or support nearby that she hadn’t considered this to be unusual as she has nothing to go on with regards to what she does and doesn’t do.

Nicknacky · 21/03/2019 16:51

happy That’s exactly my point. You could supervise your child, the op can’t and is in danger of passing out.

There is a big difference in being unwell and being unable to care for very young children.

RedSkyLastNight · 21/03/2019 17:47

I actually find it quite worrying that an 8 year old and a preschooler will sit and quietly amuse themselves for - what- at least 8.30 to 6? It suggests that they've become accustomed to doing this as normal behaviour. Suggests that they are expected to do this more than the very one off time.

Gazelda · 21/03/2019 18:02

RedSky I think that's a bit unfair. Your post seems to imply you think the children are being frequently neglected. There's nothing in OP's posts to suggest that.

Maybe they have the tv on so rarely that they're happily transfixed when they get the opportunity to binge-watch?

MonaChopsis · 21/03/2019 18:03

I'm a single Mum with no family support. I've done this too, so no judgement from me, but it's not a regular thing... Twice in the past 5 years. It is what it is, I wish I had had a better option, but both times I would have been unsafe to drive and we live miles from the school. I just called DD in sick. I think if it was a regular thing I would try to come up with a backup plan. I find, though, that people are super quick to offer theoretical help ("Let me know if you need anything!!") but when you actually call in favours it's not quite that easy.

cheeseypizza · 21/03/2019 18:41

How convenient! The OP doesn't like what she's being told and has gone silent.

Stargazer888 · 21/03/2019 18:46

So your 7 yo looked after your preschooler all day? That is very alarming. A 7yo should not be ok with this.

Schuyler · 21/03/2019 20:25

NoCauseRebel Young carers tend not to be 7/8 year olds who are left to care for a toddler while their parent is almost totally incapacitated. Social care absolutely would be involved if this were a more regular situation as it’s clear there’s no enough support for the disabled or ill parent. I’m aware this isn’t the OP’s situation though.

Dizzywizz · 21/03/2019 21:09

What about an emergency childminder? Like from childcare.co.uk?

userwithnumbers · 21/03/2019 21:17

What do you say when you call school to inform them of your child's absence. If you have to lie then there's your answer.

dirtylittlemonsters · 21/03/2019 21:36

Any teachers about? If OP is being honest with school about their child's absence, would this be identified as a safeguarding issue?

Original poster
Woolywalrus · 22/03/2019 05:46

So many posts and sorry but I don't have time to read them all so I thought I would just post now anyway.

I was wondering if it was unusual and I see it is. That is all I was asking. And I'm honestly surprised.

I think sometimes when you're not well you just do the default choice which is to not make one and in this situation it was just to leave the dc with me.

I don't think people have been reading my posts very well it has only been 3 days over the last 2 school years.

Of course I tell the school that I couldn't bring them in (I don't go into details I just say I couldn't bring them that day) and it goes down as unauthorised.

OP posts:
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