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Original poster

Keeping dc home when I'm sick

213 replies

Woolywalrus · 21/03/2019 09:39

I don't send my dc to nursery or school when I'm sick as I can't pick them up at the end of the day. I wasn't able to leave my bed and this has happened just a few times over the last few years, probably 1-2 times a year for a day or 2 if you average it out. So not too often.

Normally Dh drops them off in the morning and I pick them up after work from aftercare as he works too late.

So if I'm too sick I keep them home. The eldest organises food for them and they just watch TV quietly.

My friend was shocked to hear I do this but she has her parents close by to help out so has that option for help.

So is this unreasonable and do other parents not do this? I'm sure lots do if they have no family or close friends to help.

Also my dc pretty healthy and don't have much time off school. The eldest has not had time off sick for a couple of years now. We also don't go away on holidays during term time.

OP posts:
Bookworm4 · 21/03/2019 11:43

If elder child is able to look after/ feed younger child could they not get themself to school? Or are you using them as a babysitter? I'm afraid I don't agree with unnecessary absences unless on your death bed call a taxi and take them to school.

formerbabe · 21/03/2019 11:43

I have never done this. I've had real proper flu before and I dragged myself out of bed to take them to school...it was hellish, and took every bit of strength I had. The one benefit was I knew I'd be able to rest once they were there. I had no choice...oh had to work and no one who could take them for me. I really don't think it's acceptable to just keep them off.

mrsm43s · 21/03/2019 11:46

Missing a day or two of school is not great practice, but it probably won't have any long term implications for the children and I can't really get my knickers in a twist about it. However, If you are too sick to get out of bed, then it is neglectful to have the children at home with you, as they are effectively completely unsupervised. If you are that sick, then you need to arrange for another person to care for them (either your DH, family or friends, or a paid for childcarer). That person can drop/pick up from school as well as doing the pre/post school caring. If this is a regular thing, you need to get your childcare sorted.

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Nicknacky · 21/03/2019 11:46

Fatty Why would you call an ambulance?! I physically couldn’t move from bed last year when I was ill but I didn’t need an ambulance.

Lungelady · 21/03/2019 11:48

What will you do when they are older?

Verbena37 · 21/03/2019 11:48

This thread is harsh - why are people berating the OP, when she has said she has multiple health conditions that mean she cannot get out of bed.

Just because others have been able to get out of bed and take their kids to school, means nothing. Why would you call the OP lazy?

Proper flu for example, is when you can barely lift your hand up to pick up a glass of water. You can’t get out of the bed!
Having a temperature, being achey, having a sore throat etc - that’s not flu!

Verbena37 · 21/03/2019 11:51

But I do agree that someone that poorly, should not be leaving little children to look after themselves all day.

OP, do you know any nice people who live next door or anything who could pop round to look after the kids if it happens again?

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 21/03/2019 11:51

Schools cannot (and should not) authorise absence for a child who was not brought to school because a parent was unwell. I don't have any family around either. The one time I was so ill that I could not get out of bed my husband took emergency parental leave to take the eldest to school and to look after the younger one.

formerbabe · 21/03/2019 11:51

I have had real flu and no one to help me with my young children...it is hell but I managed to keep them fed and looked after. It's all very well to say, it can't have been real flu if you got out of bed, but if you have no choice, you manage.

RedSkyLastNight · 21/03/2019 11:51

Whilst I think you should make some efforts to get your children to school (as others have said, generally most parents would be perfectly happy to go out of their way to help as an occasional one off) my main concern here would be why on earth you want young children at home if you are too ill to get out of bed? What would happen if there is an emergency - or even not an emergency - just something like a toileting accident (or is the eldest a teen so could be expected to take some responsibility)?

NoCauseRebel · 21/03/2019 11:52

Firstly, you need to get some support for your children. As they are semi regularly expected to be responsible for themselves they are in effect young carers and need support in their own right.

Added to which the fact that they have no friends at school is concerning. Is it because of your illness? Is it something that affects them more deeply than you seem to be aware of? You need to arrange a meeting with the school to discuss how to manage this in the future because expecting young children to be responsible for getting their own meals, to miss education and to take care of younger siblings is both unreasonable and not fair on them.

Even if you don’t know anyone in the area who would be able to take your children to school (I don’t but mine are teenagers so do it themselves now anyway) then you need to come up with a contingency to do so. Perhaps a childminder who does school drop-offs and pick-ups? If your illness is such that it leaves you bedbound on semi regular occasions you may be entitled to PIP in order to afford this.

Plus you need to consider the implications of doing this. A friend had an illness which left her unable to get out of bed in the mornings. Her then nine year old DD would get herself ready for school in the mornings and the childminder would collect her from the house and take her to school. Someone (nobody knows to this day who) took it upon themselves to contact social services and they were heavily involved. The dad had to give up his job as he worked in a job where he had to be in work first thing, so he could be there when the DD got up, even though the mum was but not able to get up herself. The alternative was that the DD was potentially going to be taken into care. It was absolutely horrendous. I won’t go into further detail but suffice to say that they are still getting over the fallout years and years later.

If one of your DC talks about how responsible they are having to be there is every chance the school could raise this as a safeguarding concern.

I do sympathise. I have a life-limiting illness and there are occasions when I feel that I just can’t get up. But even though my ds is sixteen I put as little on him as possible, and if need be dinner ends up being something I can just shove in the oven or worst case scenario a takeaway pizza. If I’d had much younger children I would have had to do something else to cope on those days.

HeyThoughIWalk · 21/03/2019 11:53

Presumably it's awkward to ask other parents to bring the kids home because they may not have room in the car or enough car seats. Off the top of my head, I'd get DH to drop them to school, then put them in after schools if possible until as late as you can, and then either DH gets out early to pick them up, or another parent brings them home, or you arrange in advance that the person in charge will put them into a taxi, which you've prearranged (contact taxi companies ahead of time and they'll probably be able to introduce you to a trustworthy driver who would be good with kids etc).

I think you need to make some effort to get to know other parents, though. If there's a class WhatsApp group, join it and chip in a bit of chat. At parties, talk to the other parents. Say hi to people at the school gates. You don't need to go out partying with them or become best buddies, but just build a bit of a network so you have options (and can help them out too).

Drum2018 · 21/03/2019 11:54

I have never kept kids off school when I was sick. The very fact that you aren't even looking after them while they are there is enough reason to find some alternative to getting them home from school. Surely you know at least one other parent from school who would do you a favour? How far away does your Dh work? Could he take an hour off to get them home? While I don't think having them off school an odd day is a massive deal, I do think it's very unfair to the kids given that they are left to fend for themselves for the day, and have to sit quietly watching tv.

NuffSaidSam · 21/03/2019 11:55

'we live 20 minutes walk from school. I wouldn't expect someone to walk mine and there kids 20 minutes out to mine then 20 minutes back to theirs'

But surely every other child doesn't live next door to the school? There must be people who live near you or between you and school? Not everyone is a 20 minute walk away.

As a one off I don't think there is any harm in asking someone to take one of yours for a playdate after school until DH can get back to pick them up.

Bookworm4 · 21/03/2019 11:56

OP has not said age of elder child, basically elder child is caring for lo, feeding and entertaining. I'd be concerned if this is a regular occurrence. There has been no information regards is this a physical and/or MH issue, some people she idea of being unable to get of bed is different from others.

cuppycakey · 21/03/2019 12:01

OP has explained she has ongoing health issues.

Without knowing how far away school is, it's hard to say. If OP lives a long way from school and doesn't know any other parents in the area then I guess the only other thing she could do is arrange a taxi? This still leaves DC getting themselves ready for school though.

It sounds awful OP - I hope you get an improvement in your health soon Flowers

Anotherdayanotherdollar · 21/03/2019 12:01

In the grand scheme of things missing one or two days from school per year probably won't make too much difference to their education. However, I can't imagine much worse than being completely bedbound through illness and having 2 small children in the house with me. It doesn't seem to be the safest situation for the kids

Gooseygoosey12345 · 21/03/2019 12:01

It's not the keeping them off school that's the main issue, it's the fact that they're in the house looking after themselves if you can't move out of bed. Surely they'd be better off at school where they can be looked after/supervised. Do you not have emergency child minders in the area? We have a couple of ladies who will do one off school pick ups in emergencies. You really need to get something in place. It's not fair that they're missing out on their education because their mum is sick.

ReanimatedSGB · 21/03/2019 12:08

I think you need to talk to the school, and to your health care team and take their advice regarding contingency plans and support. Because it sounds as though your health problems are not going to go away and might even get worse, so your children are going to need extra support.
I appreciate that your H may not be able to take time off work (there are enough shitty employers out there that will make no allowances as they regard their staff as replaceable) as you may not be able to afford for him to lose his job but being 'very private people' is something you can't really do when you have kids you are not well enough to look after properly. If you ask for help before someone spots that your DC are potentially being neglected or that you are all struggling as a family, it will be better than if they launch an investigation after something happens to one of the DC while you are ill, or the school decides they have had too much time off...

TheFairyCaravan · 21/03/2019 12:12

There's two parents in this scenario. The OP said that the children go to after school care and she usually picks them up after work because her DH works late. If she has ongoing health issues then her DH should have some sort of agreement with his employers that he can leave early to collect the children on the couple of days per year that she's too poorly to look after them.

It's not acceptable to keep children home from school/nursery with one child doing all the care because one parent is poorly and the other parent won't leave work early. It's really not.

babyno5 · 21/03/2019 12:13

@Woolywalrus you can always rely on MN for a good flaming! Yes these woman will still do the school run whilst in the late stages of labour/with open fractures of limbs and literally shitting their pants!
I've done the same as you on the odd occasion I couldn't source an alternative. I figured it was safer than driving the 5 miles to school when I really wasn't fit to.
You haven't/aren't doing anything which will affect your children in the long term xx

Original poster
Woolywalrus · 21/03/2019 12:14

Thank you for your replies and I am genuinely surprised by the consensus.

I think because it is fairly rare I've never really thought about it properly. Just acted on the situation at the time and did the easiest option. But I will discuss with Dh.

It does go down as unauthorised. Only 1 day this school year. And 2 the previous. Which is why the school hasn't broached it I assume, as it is rare and they have good attendance otherwise.

And I don't think it is damaging for dc to have some empathy and self resilience and initiative every now and then. The eldest is 8 and organises sandwiches, fruit and cereal. I tell them not to use appliances like toasters or cook etc. They are not at risk and I have my phone at hand if I need to call for help. It would be more risky to have them walk to school themselves.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 21/03/2019 12:15

There is no flaming on this thread.

But it’s not fair on the kids when this happens.

Original poster
Woolywalrus · 21/03/2019 12:17

We have history with dh taking time off work when I had cancer when the dc were young. This was not a good to say the least and therefore we prioritise Dh being at work as much as possible. Of course he would take time off again if necessary though!

OP posts:
Barrenfieldoffucks · 21/03/2019 12:19

I'm sorry, but I don't think that is on. I don't think it is fair on an 8 yr old to take on that responsibility, especially if you are so ill you can't get out of bed.

What will you do as they get older? They can't keep missing days. If it was a genuine every now and then that is one thing, but if you have an illness that means you know it will be a problem in the future it is your job to sort that.

Could you send a taxi or similar?