Keeping dc home when I'm sick

[Woolywalrus]

I don't send my dc to nursery or school when I'm sick as I can't pick them up at the end of the day. I wasn't able to leave my bed and this has happened just a few times over the last few years, probably 1-2 times a year for a day or 2 if you average it out. So not too often.

Normally Dh drops them off in the morning and I pick them up after work from aftercare as he works too late.

So if I'm too sick I keep them home. The eldest organises food for them and they just watch TV quietly.

My friend was shocked to hear I do this but she has her parents close by to help out so has that option for help.

So is this unreasonable and do other parents not do this? I'm sure lots do if they have no family or close friends to help.

Also my dc pretty healthy and don't have much time off school. The eldest has not had time off sick for a couple of years now. We also don't go away on holidays during term time.

If I were in the same position I would forgo my “privacy” and use the options available. That’s the selfless thing to do for my children and their wellbeing.

Being stuck in a house with a parent as unwell as the op shouldn’t be the only option for children so young.

I've only ever been that sick that I couldn't get out of bed twice in my life, so I'm not sure why you need to keep them home twice a year. Are you really that ill that you can't leave the house?

@yearinyearout OP mentioned medical conditions. I can't fight infections so anything like tonsillitis or a chest infection is 10x more severe than in a normal person
Some people can go to work with tonsillitis. I can't, because I can't swallow my own spit and chest infections turn into pneumonia

I'm really shocked at the people who are saying 'the odd day off wont hurt them' and 'what else is the OP supposed to do'. We know that a 7 year old has missed school and continues to (and been denied their right to an education) in order to look after their younger siblings.

Whilst we might have more a more sympathy for the OP because it's an illness rather than say a drug habit it really really isn't right.

The OP says that on average its for a day or 2 so sounds to be as if on at least one occasion it's been longer.

Possibly missing the odd day at school isn't that harmful but the evidence that being a young carer has a damaging effect is well accepted.

In really quite shocked by this, and I don’t shock easily

there is no one else to help what do you want her to do you do know she isn't a single parent right?

With the updates, OP, if you are that ill then you are too ill to be in charge of children alone.

Appreciate it might be difficult as regards your DH's work but still, if you are so poorly that you are worried that you cannot even get downstairs without passing out then it is completely unacceptable to leave an 8 year old in charge. They are not your carer, nor their siblings carer. They are far too young to be in charge while you are upstairs unable to move.

There's a much bigger issue here than just having the children take the odd day off school and I'm amazed that you can't see it. I'm also shocked that your DH happily leaves several young children in the house when you are that ill.

happyhillock, how is it ok for a 7 year old to be in charge of a toddler unsupervised for a whole day? Because if we are talking about not even being able to get out of bed, it doesn't matter whether the OP is upstairs or the other end of the country. Practically speaking, they are alone and unsupervised.

To be clear OP I don't think much of your DH either for permitting this and not stepping up

I wouldn't generally do this as I'd rather get the kids off and to school so I could properly rest.

However I have sympathy with the OP. I don't have any family to help and its not always easy to ask other mums to help if you don't know them very well or your kids don't play with many people locally. I know lots of people do have great mum networks, but lots of people don't.

I think the odd day off here and there would be ok in a complete emergency. Thankfully my husband can generally work flexibly to sort the kids if needs be.

Probably because of your history, with illness and periods of time off work, you have allowed something that is very abnormal to become normal for you.

I would say 99.99% of people who are too ill to get out of bed would get care for their DC's, particularly if they have an able DP/DH/DW who can do it.

If normally DH drops, he should do this, then DH needs to leave work to collect them again - so not lose a whole days work, he'll be at work 2/3 of the day. Most people have a parent network who can collect (I would use the school whatsapp to find someone) or buddy system - if you asked me I would be happy to collect your kids once or twice a year!.

When I or my nursery aged DD has been unwell I've posted on class WhatsApp group. Parents around here are lovely!

I have kept youngest nursery ages DD off though.

OP I've done similar when ill.
I was seriously ill; I should have been in hospital tbh but couldn't be as I'm a single mum. I had nobody close by. My husband had just left and his family were not talking to me (!) Husband with OW and refusing to help etc.

Youngest was doing the half-day reception thing so I took the eldest home at lunchtime too. I remember crouching down outside the school door saying "I can't do this again today". It was horrible. I was shitting myself, only it was just blood coming out.

We do what we can to get through the days.

Uterus the difference is you had. O help. Your ex was clearly a dick. Op isn't in the same situation. I hope you're doing better now

I'm the only one thinking this is a bit exaggerated? Surely if OP is so ill she literally can't get out of bed (how do you toilet?)then she would be getting medical care and also what half decent DH would go to work and leave his DW and DC like this. Think OP needs to get herself together and stop shifting parental care into an 8 yr old, if this was a drug user neglecting their kids everyone would be screaming to SS but it's a woe is me mummy people are excusing her neglect of two very young kids. If this was someone I knew lying in her bed all day I wouldn't hesitate to call Social Services.

I hope all these parents who are apparently still doing the school run when suffering from proper flu etc aren't driving, because there's no way I'd feel safe driving with the flu! Your reflexes etc are not up to scratch when properly ill with something like that. Especially if you're dosed up on cold&flu remedies. And those parents proudly saying they've even done the school run with D&V - lovely! So nice to hear that you drag your germs into your child's nursery/ school when ill. Bravo! Honestly MN is a weird hive of condescending martyrs sometimes.

That said, I do agree that it's not really appropriate for your children to have to look after themselves when you're really ill OP, I agree that in this scenario your oH should step up

'Honestly MN is a weird hive of condescending martyrs sometimes'

It's always funny when it gets to the 'I was considerably sicker than yowww' point.

I once had my leg amputated, got up straight from surgery, was shot on the way to school but carried on and then a dog bit me. Oh and I had Ebola. I still did all 12 school runs! No excuses people!

Hugtheduggee, i'm not saying it's okay for an 8 year old to be looking after a toddler, all i'm saying is it's not neglect, the mother is obviously aware if what's going on she's answering post's on this thread, if she couldn't manage to get them to school because she's ill what's the problem , year's ago when i had a really bad chest infection i didn't have the energy to get my 6 year old to school, my ex started work at 8 it was to early to take her to school, gates weren't even open, there was no one to take her to school, if you don't have anyone to help why is that neglect and a reason to call social services,

I honestly think that this could be very easily sorted if the OP simply reached out to a classmate's mum or dad who lives nearby to either bring her DC home or have them for a playdate until her DH is back from work.

NuffsaidSam. Well said

happy Were you able to care for your child while you were unwell with a chest infection?

I think if you literally can’t get out of bed then you can’t be caring for small children all day at home. Your ELDEST is 8? That’s too young to be in charge of younger children.

I appreciate this must be extremely difficult for you, but how can your DH think this is acceptable? He is basically leaving his kids home alone all day. I know you prioritize his work, but he needs to take parental leave and go home early to pick them up. This is an emergency situation.

happyhillock, the problem isnt that she can't get them to school, its that she is so poorly she has to stay in bed, and communicates with her children via a phone. This isnt a case of nesting up on the sofa, and vaguely supervising whilst the children watch a film (which in reality most of probably have had to do). The level of supervision the OP is able to give to her children means that they are effectively alone. If there is an emergency, its unclear whether the OP would even be able to get to the chidldren, or how long it would take.

Neglect doesnt have to be malicious or deliberate. It often arises out of desperation. Even if there were no other options, its inappropriate and neglectful to expect a 7 year old to care for a toddler for a whole day. But here there are other options. The OP could pick them up by taxi, she could organise emergency cover in advance, discuss it with nursery, school etc, or the obvious answer of dad leaving work early on those rare occasions.I get the feeling the OP doesnt do any of these partly because she doesnt see it as neglectful and partly because she is 'private'. Privacy and independence may be important to her but she is forcing it on her daughters unfairly IMO.

One issue can be if there is driving involved. If I have a hemiplegic migraine, which mimics the symptoms of a stroke, I can't drive. As in not at all, drop to the floor, slurred words, unable to keep upright. I could still supervise an older child or at least tell them not to do anything except watch TV til their dad arrived home.

'Ordinary' migraines I can drive with.

I have used taxis for the children when older- but surely a taxi company wouldn't pick up a 4/5 year old on their own?

The other options are the dad leaving early (the most obvious ones) and, once you know people a bit better or join a reception class group, ask if anyone will take them til he can get there.

This is a difficult problem and I don't think some of the replies are realistic about what is possible- if you have a hemiplegic migraine you may not be able to drive and need to lie down but saying you are unfit to care for children completely does not follow on- I've lain on the sofa with the TV on and let my kids eat biscuits and fruit til their dad returned because that was the caring capacity I had. Similarly if someone had MS and a flare-up then the same might occur with walking but they could vaguely supervise a toddler in one room.

I wouldn't keep them home i would get a friend/relative to drop off/pick up or I would get a taxi and ask if the nursery/school could collect from the entrance if I couldn't make it to the classroom. I'm sure if u explained they would happily help