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Original poster

Keeping dc home when I'm sick

213 replies

Woolywalrus · 21/03/2019 09:39

I don't send my dc to nursery or school when I'm sick as I can't pick them up at the end of the day. I wasn't able to leave my bed and this has happened just a few times over the last few years, probably 1-2 times a year for a day or 2 if you average it out. So not too often.

Normally Dh drops them off in the morning and I pick them up after work from aftercare as he works too late.

So if I'm too sick I keep them home. The eldest organises food for them and they just watch TV quietly.

My friend was shocked to hear I do this but she has her parents close by to help out so has that option for help.

So is this unreasonable and do other parents not do this? I'm sure lots do if they have no family or close friends to help.

Also my dc pretty healthy and don't have much time off school. The eldest has not had time off sick for a couple of years now. We also don't go away on holidays during term time.

OP posts:
CluedoAddict · 21/03/2019 12:19

It was necessary though and he hasn't taken the time off. You are leaving an 8 year old to look after their younger sibling (s). That is neglectful.

Looneytune253 · 21/03/2019 12:20

How do the children look after themselves tho if you’re that poorly you can’t get out of bed tho? I’m guessing dh could make a packed lunch type thing but I don’t think it’s safe for nursery age children to be completely unsupervised for a whole day? I would rather drag myself out of bed for half an hour to get them back from nursery than have the young children unattended all day?

Theresomethingaboutdairy · 21/03/2019 12:26

Hmm, difficult one. When I had cancer, my dh took a week off work while I recovered from surgery but we couldn't afford for us both to be off so even during intensive chemotherapy I had to force myself on the school run. I would have treatment on Thursday, collect them from school straight after finishing at the hospital and then take them and collect them on Friday. I then had the weekend when dh was at home to recover a bit (although often had to do the dance school run as dh was taking ds to football training.)

I have 4 dc at 3 different schools so school run is around an hours round trip in the car. I slept while they were at school, which I wouldn't have been able to do had I kept them at home so it felt like I had a vested interest in dragging myself on the school run! It was really important to me that the dc see me 'carry on as normal' as much as possible.

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Original poster
Woolywalrus · 21/03/2019 12:31

I would be unsafe walking to the car let alone driving. I would worry I would pass out. And wouldn't have the mobility to drive safely at all.

I am talking difficulties even going down stairs and moving around the house. I get affected by colds and flus and general viruses so much more than I ever used to. And I am not exaggerating. Of course I would drop them off to school and nursery of i could as this would obviously allow me to rest in peace.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 21/03/2019 12:32

There are other options available. You just don’t want to use them.

BluebadgenPIP · 21/03/2019 12:34

Could you send them home in a taxi?

Zoflorabore · 21/03/2019 12:35

I'm sorry op but I think this is a cop out.
Your oldest is 8? So that's either year 3 or 4.

My dd is 8 and in year 3. She's a sensible and mature girl but she is still 8. Way too young to be responsible not only for herself and in your case, younger sibling(s) so I am shocked you think that this is ok.
Sounds almost neglectful.
The risks are high, an 8 year old is not mature enough to be a glorified childminder because you "can't" get out of bed.

Don't think I'm being heartless as I too have several health conditions, one of them chronic, severe and debilitating.
I take over 35 tablets a day and have constant pain. There is no way on god's earth I would do this.

If you're that ill that you "can't" get out of bed then shouldn't you be in hospital? How do you manage toileting etc?
I have had many occasions where I have been up all night in pain and have had to drag myself out of the house to take dd to school, more times than I can remember.
Then I go home and rest, knowing my child is safe and in school and I only have to worry about myself.

You can justify it any way you want but it's wrong. Are you able to share why you can't get out of bed?

Barrenfieldoffucks · 21/03/2019 12:35

Well, you're not safe to be responsible for kids under 8 in that state then. And it is unfair to expect an 8 yr old to have that responsibility.

If you are that sick, your husband has to take time off.

And that's without addressing kids being off school

Bluesmartiesarebest · 21/03/2019 12:37

Op, I’m sympathetic to your situation because I have a chronic illness which sometimes leaves me unable to leave the house. My DCs never missed school once because of my condition because it was MY responsibility to ensure they got their education. You have to find a way to get your DCs to school no matter how ill you are feeling because they shouldn’t miss out on opportunities because of you.

Are there any parents from your DCs school that live within a five minute radius of your home? Have you asked the school for help? Can your DH request flexible working for the days when you need help? Are there any childminders living near you?

I know this sounds harsh but no matter how unwell you are, you have to supervise your children rather than stay in bed. Even if you are lying on the sofa while they watch TV you are nearby. It really isn’t fair to leave your oldest child in charge of the others.

Theresomethingaboutdairy · 21/03/2019 12:42

Well in that case you need a childminder or friend that you can call on when you become bedridden.

tippyteapot · 21/03/2019 12:43

so your 8 year old is a carer when you are this ill? thats an awful lot to put on a child, no matter how mature they are. You need to think of her, her education and the pressure / responsibility you are putting a child under. You need a contingency plan.

BluebadgenPIP · 21/03/2019 12:43

But if DH drops them they only have to be brought home after aftercare? So just get them a taxi home? The school will know local taxi firms who deliver kids to school - most schools have some SN kids dropped off by taxi.

It’s such an easy fix I don’t know why you haven’t done it.

RedSkyLastNight · 21/03/2019 12:44

So in this household there is
-1 parent who is ill but values being a "private person" over asking another school parent for a favour

  • another parent who doesn't want to take time off work
and
  • an 8 year old who looks after her younger sibling(s) during the day

Sounds like 1 person here is behaving in an adult way. Sadly, just neither of the actual adults.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 21/03/2019 12:44

Honestly, I'm genuinely amazed that you think this is passable, let alone OK.

TheFairyCaravan · 21/03/2019 12:47

You said in your op that the children usually go to aftercare, so realistically how much time would your husband need to take off work to pick them up instead of you? We're not talking all day are we?

Bookworm4 · 21/03/2019 12:47

I underat and that your immune system will be compromised hence the colds/ viruses etc but realistically unable to get out of bed? I think this an exaggeration, if a virus was this severe you'd be hospitalised, I'm sorry to be harsh but this is a case of gritting your teeth and getting on with it before someone reports you for neglect. There's women here on the school run during chemo, day after giving birth, you're putting yourself before your kids and that's not on.

RedSkyLastNight · 21/03/2019 12:47

Just read OP's last post. She is worried that she might "pass out". Do you think that's fair for your 8 year old to deal with?

Nearlyadoctor · 21/03/2019 12:48

Of course it’s unreasonable to expect an 8 yr old to look after younger siblings all day including getting their food, regardless of whether or not they should be at school. It’s neglectful and a safeguarding issue.
As a pp said if you are really that ill that you cannot even get out of bed surely you should either be in hospital or at least have some care arranged for yourself and contingency plans for the children.
To be that ill 1 or 2 times a year is not ‘ not that often ‘ - for most people they only get that ill once or twice in 20 years.
I appreciate you mentioned after that you’ve previously had cancer and therefore you might be slightly more susceptible to cough/ flu type viruses but unless you’re currently undergoing therapy even then to be this ill that often is not normal.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 21/03/2019 12:50

I think your husband leaving work a few hours early to pick up your DC is unlikely to affect his job- he has rights under parental leave.

BluebadgenPIP · 21/03/2019 12:50

And yes. Why can’t your DH just come out of work early and collect them from aftercare?

Nearlyadoctor · 21/03/2019 12:50

I also note there’s quite a bit of drip feeding in your posts - on being told it’s not normal you’ve then mentioned the cancer and ongoing health issues.

ChicCroissant · 21/03/2019 12:51

To me, this sounds like an immune system issue so even the type of bug that would be a heavy cold to me would be a chest infection/completely debilitating to the OP - or that was certainly the case for one of my relatives. You have my sympathy on that front, OP.

I appreciate your concern about your DH's job but if it is only a couple of times a year I think he should pick them up as well as taking them in as normal (he takes them in every morning I think you said?).

SleepingStandingUp · 21/03/2019 12:56

we prioritise Dh being at work as much as possible. Of course he would take time off again if necessary though!
It is necessary becausee you need to have your children properly looked after.

I am talking difficulties even going down stairs so if the 8 year old let's out a piercing scream then all goes silent, how long will it take you to get to them? That isn't a bash. You clearly have complex health needs. It happens rarely so on those days DH needs to step up.

Bluesmartiesarebest · 21/03/2019 13:07

Has your DH spoken to his employers? My DH works with someone who takes unpaid leave a few times a month to collect his DC from school when his wife is ill. The employer is a very traditional workplace and doesn’t offer flexible working but was happy to accommodate DHs colleague because it doesn’t actually cost the business anything.

SpeedyBojangles · 21/03/2019 13:12

I don't think YABU but I'd find it a lot more difficult looking after them all day than doing the school runs if I was ill.

I had horrendous morning sickness when I was pregnant this time last year and some days I was completely wiped out. The mornings were awful, getting them ready and walking to school, but.... once I got home I could go to bed until they needed picking up. I found that much easier than running round after them all day!