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Original poster

Really need advice, DD desperately unhappy

169 replies

MayorMumbum · 06/03/2019 08:19

I've posted a few times recently but I'm having a really tough time with DD.

The back story is a year ago a girl who DD used to be friends with wrote a story about killing DD. We went to the school about it, it was claimed to have been dealt with etc. Then in October the same girl began to socially isolate DD, turning her friends against her and threatening to get "revenge" on her (no one seems to know what she wants revenge for). DD suffers pretty badly with anxiety and has been withdrawing and sitting in the library alone every lunchtime rather than be near this girl. No physical bullying has taken place but she is genuinely terrified of her. This girl glares at her (and me!) all the time and spreads viscous rumours. Just horrible.

Due to some other issues (not being offered any schools she had hoped for, my disability getting worse) she has completely broken down. She is having panic attacks, she's withdrawn, she's pulling her hair out of her eyebrows. She's stressed and sometimes hysterical about going to school. She's in year 6 and SATS are almost here and she's buckling under the pressure.

I've spoken to the GP who said to deal with it via the school nurses but DD has begged me not to do that as school is where her anxiety comes from. She begs me every day to be kept at home and I've wondered whether home schooling would be the best thing for her. Or at least taking her out for a while to regain some strength.

DH wants her to be stronger but she's desperately unhappy and I don't know what to do. Please help me with some advice on how to help her. I'm so worried.

OP posts:
KTD27 · 06/03/2019 08:22

Oh my god this sounds awful. What have the school done? Have you spoken to her teacher and SLT about the continuing isolation?

Samind · 06/03/2019 08:26

I'd get her back to the GP immediately and don't be fobbed off. So clueless about mental health sometimes. They can refer her to cahms an have her see someone. The world is becoming a very cruel place. Will it be coming up for Easter holidays soon??? Encourage her to be as active as possible. Swimming or walking etc exercise can be really good for releasing endorphins. Encourage her at all times to keep talking about how she feels. Sorry for your troubles OP. Children have turned into little shits these days beyond what my schooldays were like and don't realise the impact of what they're doing. 💜

Claw001 · 06/03/2019 08:29

Your poor dd, how awful Sad

Log each and every incident with school, in writing.

Write to them explain what you said here and ask them what the plan is. If no plan is fourthcoming or they are unhelpful, write again stating you will not be sending your dd, unless they can comply with their duties and you will be writing to the board of Governors, Ofsted and the attendance officer to explain why.

Bubba1234 · 06/03/2019 08:30

Go to the girls parents

Claw001 · 06/03/2019 08:34

The difficulty with CAMHS in my experience is their waiting lists are very, very long.

Original poster
MayorMumbum · 06/03/2019 08:34

I'm waiting for a call back from the GP.

The school don't seem to really know what to do about this girl although the head has spoken to her. Unfortunately the damage is done though and none of DD's friends will play with her anymore because they are all scared that they'll be targeted by the girl next. DD is so lonely. I see her occasionally when I drop my youngest at nursery just pacing the playground on her own and it breaks my heart. Just want to break in and take her home.

I know all parents say this but I mean it when I say DD wouldn't hurt a fly. She is kind and good and up until this girl targeted her she was so happy and did so well at school. She has never even said a bad word to this girl! She's literally a shadow of herself right now and I just want my happy sweet girl back Sad.

OP posts:
Sicario · 06/03/2019 08:35

I'd put it in writing to the school, contact the LEA, and start going nuclear. And yes, if you know who this girl is, a visit to the parents would be on my list too.

Your daughter needs your protection. I really feel for you.

SlangBack · 06/03/2019 08:36

Poor DD Sad

With the eyebrow pulling look up trichotillomania.

Foxyloxy1plus1 · 06/03/2019 08:36

What does the GP expect the school nurse to do? Is there a school nurse? Does he think that schools have nurses on site?

I think that it may be as well to remove her from the situation if you’re able to do so. I’m assuming she has a secondary school place for September, even if it’s not the one you wanted and will be able to make a fresh start.

Claw001 · 06/03/2019 08:36

Don’t send her until they take this seriously

Samind · 06/03/2019 08:38

Absolutely. Sometimes I think you have to threaten to go public about schools before they do anything!!!

Original poster
MayorMumbum · 06/03/2019 08:39

Unfortunately the girls mother doesn't speak very good English and her daughter sort of interprets for her. There hasnt been a single witnessed or logged even when my DD has said anything negative or derogatory to this child, she's terrified of her and won't go near her!

The outright bullying has stopped (for now!) so the school can't really do anything. It's more the fact that it's had a lasting effect on DD and she's borderline traumatised by it.

OP posts:
Original poster
MayorMumbum · 06/03/2019 08:41

I know about trichotillomania, she's had a soft diagnosis from the Gp but we were hoping it would stop Sad. They grow back during school holidays but as soon as I send her back she starts again, and starts twitching as well. God I'm sobbing actually writing this all down. My poor baby Sad.

OP posts:
Claw001 · 06/03/2019 08:42

My son was bullied severely (he has Autism), physically, name calling, isolating him, refusing to sit next to him, excluding him etc.

He was self harming too, pulling out his eyelashes, eyebrows and scratching his skin leaving open sores. He was suicidal.

It resulted in an emergency mental health assessment in A&E. You can be seen by CAMHS same day in A&E.

The school refused to take it seriously. I removed him. He still has counselling now, years later.

Put a stop to it.

Singlenotsingle · 06/03/2019 08:43

If she can't face going to school, don't make her go. Listen to her cry for help. She needs your support.

Penguinsandbears · 06/03/2019 08:43

Can you home school her for a while or change schools? You shouldn't have to but sounds like current school's response is inadequate and her MH is worsening very rapidly. It doesn't sound to me like she's well enough to be there - you could also just keep her off saying she has anxiety and why.

I would go back to GP and get CAHMS referral but tbh the waiting lists are often so long I wouldn't hold out much hope. Has school got access to counselling? You could tell the school rather than your DD - I know she doesn't want that but she can't go on like this though at this stage I would take her out completely for a while. I'm not an expert though, just what I would do with mine. I have one with ASD and sometimes we need to reduce school things so he can manage. She can't just become stronger like your DH says, it needs support and very gradual steps to get there. Hope things get better.

Palominoo · 06/03/2019 08:43

You wouldn't expect an adult to turn up for work feeling like this so I wouldn't send a child I to school knowing that she is suffering.

I'd look to home school or change schools.

That might seem that the bully has 'won' but from what I've read on here it seems that many schools/parents of bully do nothing to resolve the issues and its a waste of your time trying to do anything about it.

My children weren't bullied thankfully but I would not have sent them in knowing they were suffering and distressed.

Samind · 06/03/2019 08:44

Awe wish I could give you a big cuddle. Well then bring them all into the school and have a meeting arranged. Your daughter might feel able to face it if you're there? Enough is enough. You don't get too many school years and they go by too quick. Poor soul shouldn't be feeling that way.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 06/03/2019 08:45

Not sure about long term but for the short term get her out of school and let her recover at home. This sounds horrendous the poor thing and her mental health is far far more important than a few SATs

HumphreyCobblers · 06/03/2019 08:47

I absolutely would keep my child home in this situation.

sashh · 06/03/2019 08:48

I'd pull her out.

You get one childhood, it should be as enjoyable as possible.

I'd contact your local council and see what they can provide, you may get a visiting teacher or a place in a health PRU.

If she is home educated so be it.

But to be honest, year 6 is two halves, one half prepping for SATS and the other being rewarded after SATS.

grinningcheshirecat · 06/03/2019 08:52

You need to take her out of that school.

Peridot1 · 06/03/2019 08:55

I wouldn’t send her in either. Her mental health is more important. Poor thing. Bullies cause such utter misery.

The stress of SATs won’t help either.

If you can Home school for the rest of this school year I would.

Could she do the SATs at home? (Not sure if they are needed to stream in year 7 as I seem to remember reading. DS didn’t do them so I’m not sure.). If they are not necessary I would just forget them. But if they are ask if you can have the exam papers and she can do them at home - my DS did his GCSE mocks, GCSEs and most recently A level mocks at home. Invigilator for the actual GCSEs and me supervising the mocks.

I know SATs are more about the school so I would tend not to worry about them.

Penguinsandbears · 06/03/2019 08:56

I would maybe ask her if she feels up to changing schools if that's an option.

I know you shouldn't have to and it seems a bit silly changing in year 6 but secondary schools often have several feeder schools. She could go to new school and make some friends she could have at secondary which would make transition to secondary easier. If she's not well enough for that though I would be keeping her home.

Tixywixy · 06/03/2019 09:01

I would arrange for her to see a child counsellor privately. She may only need a few sessions to resolve her feelings but it will be well worth the investment long term.

I'd also try harder to resolve the issues with the school and failing that pull her out. It's not long until secondary and she can avoid this girl easier in a bigger school.