Really need advice, DD desperately unhappy

[MayorMumbum]

I've posted a few times recently but I'm having a really tough time with DD.

The back story is a year ago a girl who DD used to be friends with wrote a story about killing DD. We went to the school about it, it was claimed to have been dealt with etc. Then in October the same girl began to socially isolate DD, turning her friends against her and threatening to get "revenge" on her (no one seems to know what she wants revenge for). DD suffers pretty badly with anxiety and has been withdrawing and sitting in the library alone every lunchtime rather than be near this girl. No physical bullying has taken place but she is genuinely terrified of her. This girl glares at her (and me!) all the time and spreads viscous rumours. Just horrible.

Due to some other issues (not being offered any schools she had hoped for, my disability getting worse) she has completely broken down. She is having panic attacks, she's withdrawn, she's pulling her hair out of her eyebrows. She's stressed and sometimes hysterical about going to school. She's in year 6 and SATS are almost here and she's buckling under the pressure.

I've spoken to the GP who said to deal with it via the school nurses but DD has begged me not to do that as school is where her anxiety comes from. She begs me every day to be kept at home and I've wondered whether home schooling would be the best thing for her. Or at least taking her out for a while to regain some strength.

DH wants her to be stronger but she's desperately unhappy and I don't know what to do. Please help me with some advice on how to help her. I'm so worried.

Good decision @MayorMumbum!
Hope it all works out!

The thing is the anxiety your child feels is only natural given the circumstances. If you put an adult in a situation where they were being shunned and threatened on a delay basis I wonder how 'resilient' they would be.

Part of resilience is learning tools to deal with difficult situations which requires experience and maturity. It can't happen overnight. Also as PPs posters suggested, sometimes it's about knowing when to remove yourself from a toxic situation. Once she's removed from the situation that's causing her the anxiety, then you can look at how to make sense of it and what she can learn from it for the future. But I've seen many people stick in jobs where they were bullied because they didn't want to give in to it and it rarely ends well for them.

When I was at school I had a really bullying maths teacher who particularly picked on me because I was the worst in the group at maths and didn't suck up to her (which I realise with the benefit of hindsight, at the time I just took it personally). No way would I have stayed in that situation now, I would have asked to join another group.

Instead of dreading going to school four times a week, I would have looked forward to it. I liked maths but just couldn't keep up to her pace (top group). The point is that no one should stay in a situation that makes them feel miserable on a daily basis. I'm not sure what it achieves.

And well done for considering the private counselling. The Counselling Directory or Psychology Today will have specialist child counsellors in your area. Speak to a couple on the phone before you choose one, and ask how they would work with bullying issues, making sense of painful situations and building resilience. If they can't answer that to your satisfaction, try someone else.

You sound such a fantastic mum. I’m so pleased to read your update.
The school must be aware she’s upset in the library, they really are not looking out for her or helping her. I feel they think they’ve dealt with the bullying, case closed. They’re really failing her.

Also agree with speaking to a couple of counsellors if you need to, my dd saw one and didn’t gel at all, partly because dd struggled to understand her heavily accented English, but saw another who helped enough in one session to ease her immediate distress.

This girl glares at her (and me!) all the time and spreads viscous rumours she has also stopped others being friends with your dd.

The bullying hasn’t stopped. It might be more low level, but it hasn’t stopped.

How did they deal with the bullying? Just by having a word with the bully? Telling her off, missing a playtime etc?

In my son’s school, they get the bully and the victim together. Talk it through, bully apologies etc. Would that help?

If you are really concerned you can go to A&E and ask for a mental health assessment. CAMHS have a duty team on call and they will come to A&E.

After you have been to A&E they have to follow this up with an appointment within 7 days.

My dd didn't do SATS. She had to move schools and she is year 11 now and it's only a problem because the school can't think outside the box. Pull her out. Fuck the sats. As a PP said they are for the school. They aren't gcse results which will benefit a child.

Big hugs OP 💐 it must be utterly heartbreaking to see you DD so broken. You've absolutely done the right thing. You're a wonderful mum. Nothing is more important than mental health x

I agree with pp that you have to remove your DD from school because you need to protect her. It isn’t right that an 8 year old child feels he has to check up on his sister every lunchtime so you need to make the school aware that he is being affected (and being upset) too.

Bring blunt the school sounds like rubbish at dealing with this. Your DD will probably thrive once you start home educating her and will get her confidence back.

To MrMayorMumBum:
How you and your wife deal with this bullying now could shape the rest of your daughter’s life. Your priority right now as the lovely parents that you are is to make her feel safe, loved and protected by you. Being taken out of school will do less harm than keeping her there. You have to remove her away from the cause of her extreme distress. Telling a child to toughen up won’t help when they are anxious to the point of pulling their hair out. Good luck to you and your family x

They did get the girls together but because my DD shuts down completely around her it didn't get us very far. I also attempted to speak to her and her mother once before. The mother accused MY DD of "Affecting her daughters studies" and couldn't really communicate much more than that. The bully just said "I don't want to be friends with her anyway" and I said that was fine - just stay away from her then! But she didn't and hasn't and you're right, the bullying hasn't stopped, it's just become less obvious now. Though I suppose the school can't force people to be friends with DD

The thing that breaks DD's heart the most is that when this girl moved here in year 4 DD took her under her wing to make sure she was OK and made friends etc and the girl just completely flipped on her in year 5 and began all of this, she finds it hard to trust people now.

Thank you for that message to my DH I will absolutely show him.

He is generally quite stoic and internalises a lot also. I am actually surprised he is even remotely open to the idea of taking her out of school and keeping her home as in normal circumstances he would absolutely not consider this, but even he has commented on how withdrawn she is (especially on the walk to school where they usually do a little quiz together but now she barely speaks). This thread will be immensely helpful in showing him that it isn't about me and my emotions but what's best for her and that other mothers would do the same in the same circumstances. He loves her and wants whats best for her too at the end of the day, I think it just makes him mad that this girl will be "getting away with it" so to speak.

I know it’s annoying to think of your DD’s bully getting away with it but your absolute priority every time is your child’s well-being. Don’t bother thinking about the bully because you can’t change the situation as it is. I’m not surprised to hear that DD is being quiet and withdrawn while walking to school because she knows it’s another day to endure misery instead of enjoying her day. School should be a happy experience for every child and your DD deserves to enjoy her education.

I understand the frustration with the bully appearing to get away with things. The bully in my sons case had a days exclusion, that was it. It's not about the bully. It's about your child's well being. In our case karma happened. You need to just accept the school will do nothing further and the only way they will if something more terrible happens to your child.

If homeschooling is an option that's the option I would be going for. Every time I read posts like this my stomach sinks and I really want to cry for the kids going through this every day . Not being able to get any peace in your head and the dread of going to school every day must be horrendous.

To be honest the more I read about homeschooling the more I think it is right for my DD, at least for a while.

Allowing her to gently build her confidence and strength back up whilst having the flexibility to learn her way at her own pace for a while...I think it would do her wonders. Just have to try and convince DH that is the right thing for her.

The other girl isn't going to the same secondary school, is she?

The school is really letting her down. They should be looking at why a little girl who seems ok in class isn't going outside at lunchtime, when she used to do so. They should be taking this really seriously.

Do you know the parents of the other (nice) girls? Can you speak to them about this, even if it's so that they speak to their children?

Thinking on to secondary I wonder if your GP could write that she has been diagnosed with severe anxiety (or whatever his diagnosis is) and has had to be withdrawn from school due to this, and that in his opinion she should go to secondary school X (the one you think would suit her best) because it has excellent pastoral care (or whatever good reason), and use it in your appeal for place (I'm assuming you are still on the waiting list)
& same again from private counsellor to support your appeal (if you can appeal on medical grounds)

The girl has gotten a place at a really good school (not that I'm bitter about it or anything ) but apparently her mother is looking to appeal to get her into the one my DD wants because it's closer I think.

So as of yet not 100% sure if they'll end up at the same school as each other if DD is even strong enough to attend high school in September.

We are on the waiting lists for a few schools and when it comes to pastoral care they all seem pretty equal in what they offer but the one DD has her heart set on is the one where her only remaining friend is going so that's the one we're appealing for even though it seems like we have weak grounds for it really, but I have to do everything possible.

I've posted a few threads recently about the school place that has been offered to DD, it's in special measures, frequent violent assaults, corridor brawls etc. DD would absolutely fall apart there so it's a complete and utter no go. It will be home ed until a more suitable place opens up (if it ever does!)

We are by no means wealthy but we would make any sacrifice necessary really. We are lucky to live within walking distance of some beautiful parks an art gallery, sparkling new library and a great private pool that we pay for membership at so for lots of things the cost would be minimal really.
I've been getting a little carried away today actually and been making little lesson plans in my head (I'd like to be a teacher someday) and I just think removing the pressure off of her shoulders would be wonderful.

They wouldn't be happy if I took her out this close to SATS though,

Who gives a toss what the school wants/thinks? They've repeatedly shown that they don't give a damn about your daughter, so I wouldn't be giving a single second's thought to what they want, or how this may affect them.

I'd be writing an email outlining every single little thing this vile bitch has done and that due to the school's utter failure in their duty of care towards DD, I had no choice but to remove her from the school, and I'd be sending it to every entity involved with the school - governors, LEA, Ofsted, etc.

My dd was bullied in y6 and we are really seeing the consequences a year on with severe anxiety. Secondary have been very supportive but she has struggled with some lessons and getting to school some days.
If I knew then what I knew now I would have kicked up more of a stick sooner, and got her out of the situation. No 1 priority above everything else is helping your daughter feel safe and secure x