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Original poster

Really need advice, DD desperately unhappy

169 replies

MayorMumbum · 06/03/2019 08:19

I've posted a few times recently but I'm having a really tough time with DD.

The back story is a year ago a girl who DD used to be friends with wrote a story about killing DD. We went to the school about it, it was claimed to have been dealt with etc. Then in October the same girl began to socially isolate DD, turning her friends against her and threatening to get "revenge" on her (no one seems to know what she wants revenge for). DD suffers pretty badly with anxiety and has been withdrawing and sitting in the library alone every lunchtime rather than be near this girl. No physical bullying has taken place but she is genuinely terrified of her. This girl glares at her (and me!) all the time and spreads viscous rumours. Just horrible.

Due to some other issues (not being offered any schools she had hoped for, my disability getting worse) she has completely broken down. She is having panic attacks, she's withdrawn, she's pulling her hair out of her eyebrows. She's stressed and sometimes hysterical about going to school. She's in year 6 and SATS are almost here and she's buckling under the pressure.

I've spoken to the GP who said to deal with it via the school nurses but DD has begged me not to do that as school is where her anxiety comes from. She begs me every day to be kept at home and I've wondered whether home schooling would be the best thing for her. Or at least taking her out for a while to regain some strength.

DH wants her to be stronger but she's desperately unhappy and I don't know what to do. Please help me with some advice on how to help her. I'm so worried.

OP posts:
StormTreader · 06/03/2019 15:12

There's a reason the advice for dealing with a hostile work environment isn't "have you tried being more resilient?"

Resilience is for things like "the big projects deadline has been moved up by a week!", not "my work colleague has badmouthed me to the team after threatening to assault me and now I'm ostracised from the entire office".

choosingchilli · 06/03/2019 15:12

You sound like a fantastic mum op and I'm so glad you're planning on taking her out of school.

She should not be having to deal with so much anxiety at her age, poor thing Thanks

Original poster
MayorMumbum · 06/03/2019 15:13

Can a GP sign a child off for stress/anxiety like you can with adults? She has an appt at her GP on Friday and I want to know what to say/ask for.

OP posts:
TheFrogsLegs · 06/03/2019 15:15

Poor DD.

Just like stress can make you take sick leave from work. I think it may be time for a break from school.

Explain in writing why school is not a safe place for her mental health, then perhaps try a home school trial period - now till summer perhaps?

Is another school a possibility?

SheRaTheAllPowerful · 06/03/2019 15:21

Could you look at a bursary or scholarship at a private school? So sad for her x

Original poster
MayorMumbum · 06/03/2019 15:24

It's too late for that now I think but we may try and get her into a grammar for year 8. We wanted to for year 7 but the way her anxiety was we didn't feel we could add more with all the prep that would be needed for the 11+

OP posts:
Foonababoonalagoona · 06/03/2019 15:52

I whole heartedly agree with fargo123 your only priority is your DD. They are failing her and the environment is making her hurt herself how can she learn anything when everything else is dragging her down.

howhowhow · 06/03/2019 16:56

Your poor dd. My dd is year 6 too and they can be utterly vile but what you are describing is horrendous.

Will the girl follow with her to senior school? In your shoes I would be withdrawing my daughter. Her mental health is much more important than her sat results.

Has she always had social difficulties or is it isolated to throw bullying?

autumnkate · 06/03/2019 16:56

OP I’d look up any forest schools near you- they often have home Ed sessions. Being in nature and learning some forest skills might be very beneficial for your little girl

howhowhow · 06/03/2019 16:57

Ps your daughters mental anxiety may be good grounds for appeal for the school you want.

Batsypatsy · 06/03/2019 17:12

Yes, our gp signed my daughter off sick when she was struggling with depression and it became really bad.

Allgoodfun · 06/03/2019 17:56

Is it worth a conversation with the grammar school explaining the situation and seeing if it’s possible for yr 7? Probably not but possibly worth a try?

Allgoodfun · 06/03/2019 17:58

Or, thinking about it, would you have a better chance waiting until September/ October then trying to move her to grammar, so it’s a mid year move.

finallyme2018 · 06/03/2019 18:13

My child was bullied so badly that at 8 years old threaten to kill themselves, they downplayed it and when did report it the school labelled them a liar so I pulled them out and went to the gp who said under no circumstances where they allowed back to that school and if they wanted a sick note or letter than they can pay for it. They were absolutely disgusted with the school. Changing schools even with health problems and mental health issues which was why we tried to work with the school for so long. Didn't affect them as much as having to deal with a toxic situation. Best decision I ever made moving them. First time in there school life where we've had 6 months of drama free and happy school life, I didn't realise they could actually like and enjoy school rather than just endure it. Please move her, it not nearly as hard as watching your child deteriorate and feel powerless to change it.

HerculePoirotsGreyCells · 06/03/2019 18:25

Op, my DD was older but she suffered similar. Thankfully we have a fantastic Gp who wrote to the school basically telling them to support her and advised me to keep her home for a rest.

SATS are for the schools benefit, not your DDs. I'd withdraw her from the school and home educate for the few months left of the school year. It'll give her a break at the very least. I would also contact your LEA about her problems at this school and how you are concerned about her secondary placement. SENDIASS are useful for mediation and advice.

Morgan12 · 06/03/2019 19:36

OP have you told your daughter she doesn't need to go back? How did she take it?

Decormad38 · 06/03/2019 19:40

If this was my dd doing this to another girl as her parent I would absolutely want to know. Go talk to the girls mother.

Original poster
MayorMumbum · 06/03/2019 20:02

I have told DD she doesn't need to go back in but I think what she would be missing out on really hit her and she got upset and overwhelmed. She says she doesn't know whether to leave or to stay and see it through to the end.

I'm going to keep her home until we see the GP and then we'll go from there I think, and in the mean time I am going to arrange a meeting with the head.

She is currently eating a kit kat and playing Minecraft and I think just knowing she can leave any time has already made her feel so much better, so we'll see what happens.

Thank you again for all of your advice and kindness, I will definitely keep you updated Flowers

OP posts:
Chattycatty · 06/03/2019 20:05

My daughter was isolated from friends by one girl at the age of 13. It’s a welsh /bilingual school and luckily managed to move her from mostly being taught in welsh to English so basically a new group of people. It may not have been the best thing educationally but for her mental well being it was the best thing I could have done

sashh · 07/03/2019 04:35

The updates sound positive OP Education is (or should be) about so much more than book learning and sticking all children together based on age.

MidniteScribbler · 07/03/2019 06:48

Please don't try to make a situation where the girls are forced together. That is really cruel to force a victim and bully together in the hopes they suddenly discover a mutual appreciation.

OP, if your daughter really wants to go back to school, and is staying in the library at lunchtime, could you talk to the teacher about her being given a job to do? Make her library monitor, so that she's in their because it is her job, not just because she has no where else to go. It may help to build her confidence.

FlapJackered · 07/03/2019 07:19

This happened to me as a child and I never recovered from it. I lost my self confidence and became very anxious and I still am today. My parents didn't take me out of school until it was too late and if I have the same thing happen with my child I would transfer them to a new school much more quickly.
If your daughter is that unhappy I would take her out. Try and get transferred to a new school or home school.

SMaCM · 07/03/2019 07:20

Your DD's reaction to being told she can leave is interesting. I told my DD she could leave and never go back. She chose to stay at school. It was as if just having a choice took some of the pressure off.

You can take her out of school on sick leave while making a decision if needed.

Nanny0gg · 07/03/2019 07:44

Get her to do a Pros and Cons list for leaving. Then see where you can counteract the Cons with your plans.

cordeliavorkosigan · 07/03/2019 07:44

I'd be hugely pushing the school. They have a duty of care that they are very much neglecting! They might suddenly be much more proactive if you tell them that your dd is isolated and frequently in tears at lunch and will not be back until the bullying is fully dealt with. As pp said, get on the lea, Ofsted and governors. It's so extreme. Schools are supposed to have a bullying policy on they website. Have they followed it? It would apply to verbal bullying, systematic exclusion etc not just to physical threats. Also they should be supporting your dd in other friendships. Perhaps there is some hope there, as the other girls can't all want friends who rule by fear...