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Original poster

Really need advice, DD desperately unhappy

169 replies

MayorMumbum · 06/03/2019 08:19

I've posted a few times recently but I'm having a really tough time with DD.

The back story is a year ago a girl who DD used to be friends with wrote a story about killing DD. We went to the school about it, it was claimed to have been dealt with etc. Then in October the same girl began to socially isolate DD, turning her friends against her and threatening to get "revenge" on her (no one seems to know what she wants revenge for). DD suffers pretty badly with anxiety and has been withdrawing and sitting in the library alone every lunchtime rather than be near this girl. No physical bullying has taken place but she is genuinely terrified of her. This girl glares at her (and me!) all the time and spreads viscous rumours. Just horrible.

Due to some other issues (not being offered any schools she had hoped for, my disability getting worse) she has completely broken down. She is having panic attacks, she's withdrawn, she's pulling her hair out of her eyebrows. She's stressed and sometimes hysterical about going to school. She's in year 6 and SATS are almost here and she's buckling under the pressure.

I've spoken to the GP who said to deal with it via the school nurses but DD has begged me not to do that as school is where her anxiety comes from. She begs me every day to be kept at home and I've wondered whether home schooling would be the best thing for her. Or at least taking her out for a while to regain some strength.

DH wants her to be stronger but she's desperately unhappy and I don't know what to do. Please help me with some advice on how to help her. I'm so worried.

OP posts:

WhiffofSnell · 07/03/2019 08:24

Once your DD is feeling stronger, here's a tip from my teenage DD on dealing with a kid who bullies by glaring. Laugh out loud at them and say "oh tilly you look totally bonkers when you glare at people like that!"

Obviously, your DD has a way to go before she's ready for that but DD has found it an effective strategy.

whohaa · 07/03/2019 08:37

I would say get back to the school and demand something is done.
But to be honest, if it were my own child I would pull them out of school without a second thought.

Original poster

MayorMumbum · 08/03/2019 14:58

Just a quick update to this thread. DD was diagnosed officially with anxiety today at the GP and I had a meeting with the Senco team at her school (who were actually wonderful and supportive and I should have had a sit down with them much sooner).

I went through the whole story from start to finish (with frequent breaks so I could compose myself) and even they had noticed a change in DD and her overall demeanour recently.

I very much felt as though they were taking the situation seriously and I am now waiting for a referral through the school health department. The GP has said that Cahms are unlikely to take her on and the waiting list can be months and months long so not our best bet.
Overall DD seems as though she wants to see it through as long as the right support is put in place (I am actually in awe of how brave she is being) and I am happy to take a wait and see approach and take all the support her school is offering.

We have also been told that she is 13th on her waiting list for the school she desperately wants accepting in to and that doesn't seem too bad. Seems like there is still a chance she could start there in September.

Thank you for all the advice I received here, it was incredibly helpful.
.

OP posts:

MakeItAmazing · 08/03/2019 15:39

Our whole sc hook experience is the main reason I won't have more kids.

My dd told me About a very chilling story. A child decided to see how many friends she could get on board with isolating one child. They did it and the poor girl had years of hell until she was moved.

Original poster

MayorMumbum · 08/03/2019 15:56

That's horrible. I'll never understand how children can be so cruel.

OP posts:

Penguinpandas · 08/03/2019 16:34

That sounds like really good progress and 13th on a waiting list for secondary isn't bad at all. Never any guarantees but we were 25th on a waiting list for an outstanding school - went down 10 in March, 10 in April and we were in, in July. Does vary by school but they do move.

Hope she gets the support she needs at school and at least its not too much longer.

SMaCM · 08/03/2019 16:42

You can use the GP diagnosis to support your appeal for the school you want to go to. Waiting lists vary in different areas. DD stayed at number 5 for a year before we gave up.

Allgoodfun · 08/03/2019 16:54

That’s a very positive update, really pleased they’re taking it seriously, I hope they follow through with everything they’ve said. Your dd is incredibly brave, and strong, to want to stick it out when you had offered her a way out, well done to her. Maybe as a pp said just knowing she can leave if she needs to is enough to give her the strength to carry on.

LittleMissNaice · 08/03/2019 17:08

I'm glad the school have been supportive OP. Hopefully this will be the start of things improving for your DD.

She sounds like a lovely girl, and your son sounds very sweet too. You've done a good job with those two.

LittleMissNaice · 13/03/2019 18:44

How's she doing this week, OP?

Original poster

MayorMumbum · 13/03/2019 20:32

Thank you for checking in.

She actually seems a lot better. The school pastoral team have really been good with her and she's been in much better spirits. Obviously not out of the woods but she's definitely being supported better. She wants to see year 6 through but knowing she doesn't have to if she doesn't want seems to have taken the pressure off of her. We're waiting for a referral for the school nurses also. I'm just going with the flow at the moment and giving her unreasonable amounts of hugs and chocolate .

OP posts:

WhoKnewBeefStew · 13/03/2019 20:36

Your poor dd. Glad the school is taking it seriously and that your dd is feeling a little better.

Owlettele · 13/03/2019 20:48

The school may not be happy if you took her out this close to Sats but you know that you don't need their permission?! If you are able to have her at home for a while or sthirt term while you solve other options for her then consider it. It's your choice. The school are not in control of what you do with your dd. Hope you manage to get somewhere. Mine are not yet at primary but I am dreading this kind of thing.

TheBigFatMermaid · 13/03/2019 21:25

MY DD is very physically able to defend herself, being a high belt in karate, but when she was bullied, she completely fell apart. The main bully convinced loads of others my DD had done something terrible to her (she hadn't, I was there when it was meant to have happened, she was so convincing I might have believed her if I hadn't been) so they then bullied her too. She also convinced teachers of the same, so much so, that when the bully and her mum went in to school again to complain about DD, DD went to the Deputy head for support, she took her to her form tutor who said 'Well, we all know you can be a nasty little girl too'. That, then 3 adults and 6 children lying in wait for DD after school were the final straw. I pulled her out of school and home educate. Se have been doing so for over a year and half now. It is the best thing I ever did.

Resilience is all very well, but if they are so distressed it is affecting their mental health, that will wear them down, not build them up. DD does loads of clubs, generally enjoys life and also loves helping me at home ( I am disabled). She has become a great cook, can sew and enjoys the home ed groups we go to too.

We stick to the curriculum for maths and English (not a legal requirement, but she is returning to a school for GCSEs), she will go to a 14-16 unit in September a few miles away.

Her life is much happier than it used to be. She is happier. I am happier, it was affecting my mental health too.

MoltonSilver · 13/03/2019 21:35

Speaking as a person who was bullied in school - if at all possible, move her to a new school. She won't like the idea initially as, at the moment, she probably thinks that the problem is her (it isnt) but make inquiries anyway.

Original poster

MayorMumbum · 14/03/2019 10:50

One more incident with this girl and I will be removing her. Right now I'm just trying to follow her lead.
We have also decided (last night!) to move out of area so no matter what happens in September she will be having a completely fresh start .

OP posts:

SophiaLarsen · 14/03/2019 11:24

Thats great news OP. Where are you thinking of moving to?

Original poster

MayorMumbum · 14/03/2019 11:35

About half an hour from where we live currently, so not a huge move, but far enough for it to feel like a fresh start.
It's also in the middle of a cluster of three very good high schools and although there's little chance of her starting at any of them in September at least she'd be on the waiting list and I can give her a bit of a break for a while then home school until we find the best place for her.

OP posts:

SMaCM · 14/03/2019 12:32

It sounds like you have a good plan in place. Well done for supporting her so well.

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