Really need advice, DD desperately unhappy

[MayorMumbum]

I've posted a few times recently but I'm having a really tough time with DD.

The back story is a year ago a girl who DD used to be friends with wrote a story about killing DD. We went to the school about it, it was claimed to have been dealt with etc. Then in October the same girl began to socially isolate DD, turning her friends against her and threatening to get "revenge" on her (no one seems to know what she wants revenge for). DD suffers pretty badly with anxiety and has been withdrawing and sitting in the library alone every lunchtime rather than be near this girl. No physical bullying has taken place but she is genuinely terrified of her. This girl glares at her (and me!) all the time and spreads viscous rumours. Just horrible.

Due to some other issues (not being offered any schools she had hoped for, my disability getting worse) she has completely broken down. She is having panic attacks, she's withdrawn, she's pulling her hair out of her eyebrows. She's stressed and sometimes hysterical about going to school. She's in year 6 and SATS are almost here and she's buckling under the pressure.

I've spoken to the GP who said to deal with it via the school nurses but DD has begged me not to do that as school is where her anxiety comes from. She begs me every day to be kept at home and I've wondered whether home schooling would be the best thing for her. Or at least taking her out for a while to regain some strength.

DH wants her to be stronger but she's desperately unhappy and I don't know what to do. Please help me with some advice on how to help her. I'm so worried.

I'd remove her. For definite. I did it and it was the best thing I did for my DD. Maybe home ed until secondary school? Or ask for a change of school? Emphasize the breakdown in her mental health when you apply for new/secondary school.

Can you not home school her then send her to a new school in September?

I'm so sorry you and your DD are going through this. Sending you hugs and

Your poor DD. And poor you. What a nightmare. And at the risk of getting flamed, I would also say the bully clearly isnt a happy girl either. If you can home school maybe do so, or change schools, as her current school is clearly not dealing with things and your DD's MH is more important. And see if there is MH support via the GP (although she may have to wait months for it, sadly).

Will they be going to different secondary schools?

And her current school is taking the easy road. They have not done enough.

Pull her out if you possibly can, are you at home or working? I’m hoping home as you mentioned dropping dc at nursery. Even if it’s short term and the school will actually help so she can go back, pull her out.
If this was an adult they’d be signed off with stress, I don’t understand why schools, gp etc just expect a child to cope with something they’d help an adult with.
Camhs have a ridiculously long wait, we’re still waiting a year after referral for serious problems, they won’t be able to help fast enough. And to be honest, it’s getting her out of the situation she needs rather than camhs in the short, although long term they would help.

My youngest had a rough time in for the last couple of years in Junior school. We talked it through many, many times between us, with teachers, etc. BUT, with the exception of one occasion, she was never reluctant or scared to go to school. (I was also working there which will have made a huge difference).

If she had been displaying the behaviours you describe I wouldn't hesitate keeping her off and looking for an alternative school.

Don't be swayed by it being SATS this year - my eldest was in the year when some schools boycotted them and, funnily enough, both he and his secondary school coped !

Education can be picked up again but the (potential) damage from dealing with this girl and the effect she's having can take much longer to overcome.

I outright would not send my child to school in these circumstances.

Has it been considered bad enough that the other child could be expelled if you pushed for it? Is that something that you would consider?

Short of that I would be looking to change schools, no one should have to deal with that kind of behaviour and it seems like it's not going to change at this school regardless of what happens from now unless the other girl leaves.

I would also be attending the GP's office repeatedly until they gave your DD the help she needs to deal with this, the school nurse is not the right avenue to be helping your DD at all.

Also, if you can afford to, I would pay for private counselling, even if just one session.

I’d be seriously escalating things with the school as there is covert bullying going on. They should be doing more, a lot more. I’d write to the head, the governors and keep her off school if it’s possible in the interim.

Not a chance should you be standing for this.

I'd go to the school every single day. Every day without fail.

I'd speak to the girls mother every single time I seen her. I'd go to her home to discuss the situation every single time her daughter did anything.

Your poor DD should be enjoying these years.

What are the teachers saying? What has the head said? It seems like they aren't dealing with it.

OP one of my DD's was bullied terribly and I felt the school really weren't taking the matter seriously.[Chewing gum smeared in her hair meaning it had to be cut off amongst other equally awful things.] I kept her at home and phoned the school and told them that DD was at home with me, wasn't physically ill and would remain at home until such times as they [the school] addressed the bullying problem once and for all.I made it clear that my actions were not negotiable. Lo and behold the girl in question and her parents were called in and the matter addressed, apologies given and new friendships made.Surely the school has a duty of care to try to keep your daughter safe and whilst I appreciate that staff can't possibly be responsible for the actions of these awful bullies they can address the matter effectively and need to!
Good luck OP have a "Mummy day" with your poor DD and lots of cuddles.

Forgot to say I'd also keep my daughter off school for the time being. And if the school has social media I'd flag it there aswell.

I was so shocked and sad to see how young your daughter is. Given the level of bullying I thought the girls would be older.

I am sure your dh does want your daughter to be stronger but it isn't something that can just happen out of thin air.

Different situation but when out year six son was physically bullied after lots of other instances we took him out of school and kept him out once we realised school were going to side with the bully and do fuck all. It cost thousands in private tutoring but at least my child was safe every day. We had to get the police involved and the parents had some very difficult visits and interventions. Since then the bully has had broken bones and the mother is all over social media how the schools need to do something. .

Make today the last day your child goes to a place she feels unsafe. .

I'd let school know that you feel you have no choice but to pull your DD out, that their failure quickly earlier on has caused irreparable harm. The girl is still bullying through her bitch looks and general regime of fear. Pick up the phone, ring around other schools, find out about any spaces they might have, ask about pastoral care and anti-bullying, clubs etc....stuff your DD could instantly become involved it. Get on the phone and do some fact finding without delay and yes, definitely back to the GP. What a dreadful situation 💐

If you possibly can

TAKE HER OUT OF SCHOOL

I would go to school now and pick her up.

The SATS are for the school not for her. They don't matter at all. Nothing she is going to learn in the next few months is more important than her health and wellbeing.

I can't believe this is being allowed to continue in a primary school! I thought they were going to be 15 year olds when I read the start of the OP.

You can address all the other issues in time (the gp, high school choices etc.) but just take her out asap!

I'd keep her off school for her health, but don't jump straight in and homeschool - ask about the out of school Education Service from your local council, which your school are supposed to refer you to once a child has been off for 3 weeks.

My DD is a bit older, but is currently under the out of school service - she gets a tutor come to our home for 5 hours a week, but she's still registered with school and the intention is for her to go back once she's strong enough. We're waiting for a CAMHS referral (5 months now!) and she's been taken on by the out of school service till May so we hope by then she'll be well enough to go back. In the meantime we keep in contact with school, so that she still feels a part of it.

You will need medical support though so it's worth trying to get your GP onside.

I would absolutely be keeping her at home. You can either deregister (this wont affect year 7 place if already accepted) or just keep her off giving the school clear reasons why in writing. Get a letter from GP to confirm anxiety if you can, see a different doctor if yours isn't helpful.
Massive sympathy to you, OP. Your daughter's mental health is far more important than SATs. Actually pretty much everything is more important than SATs!

Home schooling would keep her safe but isn't ideal in these circumstances as it will isolate her even further.

I feel for her, my school days were like this, I was a target that started in 2nd year at Grammar school and carried on until the day I left. Mostly verbal but sometimes physical (I still have the scars to prove it) It has affected my whole life in so many ways they are too long to list.

I don't know what the answer is for your DD. It's so horrible and seems to be getting worse each year, and yes, it's so very hard to watch when they are isolated and lonely.

You've got to get her out of this school. Bullying just never seems to go away, does it? We had an awful tearaway kid at school who scared everyone, even the teachers. She eventually went to an approved school and the whole atmosphere changed.

Schools seem to be as bad at dealing with bullying now as ever but they don't like to admit that it's beyond them. Home-schooling for now, then a transfer to another school would be my advice.

EXplain to the school that your daughter is refusing to attend school, and list reasons. I WOUld also copy in LEA. Clearly your DDs secondary school placement is going to need careful consideration.

I sent my son to school in similar circumstances and looking back now it’s my biggest regret from his childhood. FOrtunately he didn’t attend the same secondary school as the child that made his life so difficult.

He is now in his mid twenties, and has done very well, but I think it has affected our relationship. Although that could be because I feel so guilty about it.

So this child has made actual death threats, your DD is so terrified that she hides in the library, and other kids are also terrified and don’t dare play with your DD. The school should have done a LOT more and if necessary the bully should have been expelled. If these were adults the police would be involved, and given the nature of the threats that have been made I’d have contacted the police in this instance.

Having said that, it’s a bit late to push for that now considering there’s only about four months left before they leave school. Under the current circumstances I’d remove DD from school and home educate, and also enrol her in extra curricular activities where she can make friends with kids who’ll be going to the same secondary school.

If the NHS or the school won't produce the goods, and they probably won't, go private at once. Speed is of the essence in this sort of treatment, you don't want the trich getting ingrained.

Ask to be referred to a psych who will send DD to a proper therapist. Shouldn't cost you more than £500, best money you've ever spent.

I would absolutely remove her from school. Try home education for a while, let her recover, then if you both want to, you could look for a different school.
But you may find, home ed. is the way to go - don't knock it, til you try it.
Research home ed (together, if you like), there are lots of different approaches, from trying to replicate school at home, right through to unschooling, where the parents facilitate child led learning.