Really need advice, DD desperately unhappy

[MayorMumbum]

I've posted a few times recently but I'm having a really tough time with DD.

The back story is a year ago a girl who DD used to be friends with wrote a story about killing DD. We went to the school about it, it was claimed to have been dealt with etc. Then in October the same girl began to socially isolate DD, turning her friends against her and threatening to get "revenge" on her (no one seems to know what she wants revenge for). DD suffers pretty badly with anxiety and has been withdrawing and sitting in the library alone every lunchtime rather than be near this girl. No physical bullying has taken place but she is genuinely terrified of her. This girl glares at her (and me!) all the time and spreads viscous rumours. Just horrible.

Due to some other issues (not being offered any schools she had hoped for, my disability getting worse) she has completely broken down. She is having panic attacks, she's withdrawn, she's pulling her hair out of her eyebrows. She's stressed and sometimes hysterical about going to school. She's in year 6 and SATS are almost here and she's buckling under the pressure.

I've spoken to the GP who said to deal with it via the school nurses but DD has begged me not to do that as school is where her anxiety comes from. She begs me every day to be kept at home and I've wondered whether home schooling would be the best thing for her. Or at least taking her out for a while to regain some strength.

DH wants her to be stronger but she's desperately unhappy and I don't know what to do. Please help me with some advice on how to help her. I'm so worried.

There should be a school nurse who can support with your daughters anxiety - you can refer yourself you don't need to go through school or gp....a lot of schools have a member of staff who is Elsa trained - not frozen !-it's to do with supporting students with their emotional health - or nurture groups it's unusual these days for schools not to be actively seeking support for emotional health
Don't put things on social media it will only antagonise the situation
Keep giving your daughter lots of opportunities to talk about how she's feeling but also to challenge her thoughts and worries- as someone said this bully must be a very unhappy person who will probably end up isolating herself eventually and really emphasise all your daughters strengths (to subtlety show her the bullies weaknesses) to build her self esteem
Also lots of examples of successful adults who had rotten times at school
I'm not sure about the advice to remove her- the lioness mode would be saying this to me to but I worry that is showing her to run away from difficult situations- facing challenges is usually more effective long term though I can imagine it feels hideous how and if she's in year 6 things will change soon anyway with secondary school

This is heartbreaking. You mention homeschooling - if it's an option, DO THIS! You want her to look back on her childhood and remember how her mum pulled her out of a bad situation and didn't force her to keep going in (from her perspective - I know some parents wouldn't have the choice to home educate. I wouldn't ).

Since she's starting secondary school in September anyway, that's a new start. I hope there's a way of finding out if this nasty girl is going to the same school - if they are, you should be able to use GP testimony etc to appeal to LEA to get youe daughter a place at a separate school, away from the bully (I think?? Someone else will hopefully have more info on this).

SATS don't do anything for the child, they're all about the school looking good. She doesn't need this stress. From an educational point of view, five months to just learn gently at home and get her confidence back will be more benefit to her. There are loads of local home education groups where she can make new friends before September and build her confidence

Look. Here's a crazy blue sky idea ....I don't know if I will get shot down for this but it strikes me that the OP and her DD have very little to loose right now. Why not go back to school and explain that this bullying is indirect, whispering, glaring, exclusion etc; but it's real and it's causing enormous harm. How about suggesting the two girls do one week of break time and lunchtime library work....sorting out all the books, but something that will require them both to work and talk collaboratively together???? Nothing could be worse than the situation that you face now OP. Might it be worth suggesting this?

I agree with getting her out of that school and making a complaint about the way they have handled this bullying. Do try and get dd some counselling it sounds like there area few issues bothering her such as your disability.

Sounds awful - yes see the GP but honestly I would just pull her out after her SATS if thats what she wants - as a mum to year 7 children they don't learn much after SATs in year 6 and you could work out what you would need to teach her. The bigger issue is this horrible girl going to the same high school as her? Plus your poor daughter's confidence...there are lots of social groups for home schooled kids so look into these. When my son was bullied it became super important and helpful to develop friendships out of school. This then made him happier and more confident and reduced the impact of the school bullying until it stopped.
Unfortunately, its a vicious cycle as bullies pick on the vulnerable so you need to break the cycle by helping her get her confidence back. Please tell your hubby, he means well and yes she does need to get stronger....but she is still a child and needs help with this. Please tell him to put himself in the shoes of an 11 year old...she's had death threats and spends her day being isolated from other people - she's at school without any control over her life. If it was him as an adult he would walk away from such an awful situation - but she can't and that lack of control is adding to her lack of self confidence. He also has years of experience of dealing with difficult people and situations - your daughter is only 11.
School is also very different now to when we went to school - my husband said he would just hit anyone who bullied him and it never happened again...but a child can't do this these days without repercussion - and the whole social media thing means children are gossiping about other children after school hours and its a whole new level of exclusion.
Fundamentally you and your husband need to help her feel more confident so she can get to the point where she feels she has the strength to stand up for herself - you and your hubby need to be united in your support for her. I know from experience that with bullying its not just the bully pressure for your daughter - I bet your family are torn and fighting over the issue as well so its likely she doesn't feel she has anywhere thats calm and free from stress so she can regain her strength.
One thing I realised my husband and I were doing was arguing before school on how my son should handle the bullies and what my son needed to do at school...it just made my son anxious and he went to school unsure and worried looking. We changed that by changing our behaviour so my son went to school with a smile on his face and instantly his confidence improved and then he become less vulnerable to the bullies.
This nasty girl must be 10 now and liable for her actions under the law - have you reported to the police? At the very least you might be able to get the police to speak to the parents. One of my son's school friends kept making racial comments about me via social media and I asked the police for advice - they offered to speak to the parents as this child was 10 and liable under the law. I decline as I did not want to raise it to that level - but maybe this is something you could do.

To be honest I feel the school dealt with it as best they could at the time (aside from the story she wrote where she killed DD they seemed to brush that aside completely). The bullying was/is so sneaky and covert that it took numerous other children being called in to convince them my DD was even telling the truth! This ten year old even stares me down!

The bully is generally liked by the staff and has managed to lie herself out of trouble a million times. I've never seen such sophisticated (if that's the right word) bullying in such a young child. It's also stopped now since she was spoken to by the head but the damage to my DD and her friendships has been done so I don't think the school have anything they can do now.

In my heart I know I need to pull her out but my other two children are so happy there and she was too for such a long time . DH wants to teach her resilience and was reluctant though I think I will show him this thread.

September is a whole other issue, no decent school place offered leaving her even more hysterical but I'm just trying to get her through the next few months! I don't want her to miss out on seeing the results of all her hard work (she is working at greater depth on all test sats papers) and the prom, all the fun end of year stuff. It just breaks my heart. I just want her to be happy.

I'm a blubbering, rambling mess so thank you all for being so kind.

I have issues with mental health and genuinely the best thing I've ever done is to accept my conditions (depression, anxiety, OCD) are part of me. It's difficult and draining to fight on all fronts so I accept that these are my default mental states and have learned to accept that. Once I stopped fighting myself it was easier to devise coping strategies.
Have you sat down with your dd and told her that her feelings are valid and that it is ok to feel anxious and upset? Sometimes it helps to hear someone validate your feelings.
Definitely go back to the GP and tell them to refer her to a mental health team, don't ask, insist, legally they can't refuse.
Encourage her to find her tribe. Is there something she is interested in that she could attend outside of school?
If the school is refusing to address the issue then remove her, they have a duty of care to your child and they are failing her. Kids that are homeschooled sit exams just find out how and enter her for them yourself.

Oh OP, I don't really have any advice but this is such a sad post, I really hope you get the support for your DD very soon

Anxiety and mental health issues run strongly in my family and I've done everything I can to keep her well and happy and this is still happening to her .

Oh gosh, my heart goes out to you both.
Get to GP and get them to listen and support you both.
Get the bullying documented appropriately. Do you have written documentation of the various incidents, compile it if you do not, Complain to the Head and governors - this is not being adequately dealt with.
Appeal to every school that you think is suitable. Cite the bullying and her anxiety issues.
Year 6 in my experience can be an absolute nightmare. I would not send my child in to school in these circumstances. SATS are purely for the schools benefit. She does not need to sit them at all. Are there any other primaries you could move her to?

I’d be contacting the police tbh.

Resilience doesn't mean just putting up with bullying and bad treatment it's about doing whatever it takes to improve your situation, whether that be changing your own behaviour in a reasonable way (e.g being more assertive) or if that doesn't work, getting official help to put a stop to the problem or if that doesn't work leaving a bad situation. Its having the self esteem to see you deserve good, fair treatment and making sure you get it. It's not stay there and put up with being bullied.

Is it a big school? Could she move to another class? The school should be doing a lot more. They should be trying their very best to help her make friends. Is there no other child who could be encouraged to make friends with DD. At my DC school they will have asked one of the more sensible, sensitive children to befriend your DD, they wouldn't allow her to become so socially isolated.

Can you invite friends over after school/weekends? That really strengthens friendships at that age.

My eldest DD went through this, quiet polite girl targeted by a little thug, school done nothing. I eventually confronted the mother; who acted surprised but it did tail off. I made a placing request for a high school outwith catchment (we are in Scotland), it was difficult at first but the best thing for my DD, she's now grown up with a great career and but still remembers that horrendous time, bullying can mentally scar for life. This girls mother who has poor English, find out what her language is, if she has a partner or if she attends a church and they may help communicate; I wouldn't let the brat away with it.
In the meantime get her out of that school as they are not safeguarding your child's physical or mental welfare.

Sorry OP but fuck resilience. She has plenty of time to learn that. She’s a child. Pull her out. You can still take your other two to school there.

DD was being bullied. School were crap. I told them I wasn’t bringing her in again until they could prove they could keep her safe. Funnily enough they sorted it pronto.

If you can home Ed her then that's what I would do. My daughter was bullied in yr 5 so I took her out and home educated her for a year. She was miserable and withdrawn when I took her out but she recovered and her confidence grew and now she's back at a different school and flourishing.

Just also chipping in from my experience (DC who experienced similar anxiety and low level bullying/excluding behaviour through Y6. Continued for first half Y7 until moved to new secondary)

The time she will spent at school between now and May is SATs revision. She doesn't need to do this. She doesn't need to sit SATS at all. It will be irrelevant once she gets to secondary, they will test and set her from that (if they even set in Y7, some schools don't ).

I would focus on getting her well and getting her ready for secondary.

I would either make a speedy move to a new primary (esp if one bumps you up the list to a better secondary option) or homeschool her for as long as she needs. I'd put my energies also into all options for the best and most appropriate secondary, though changing preferences if necessary and appealing. Names on waiting lists etc.

It's horrible. But she just doesn't have to keep on experiencing this.

It's a small school, no way to change class. She has no friends left to invite over .

Tell your DH that this kind of situation does absolutely nothing to build 'resilience'.

All it does is make your DD extremely unhappy, will exacerbate any mental health issues and make her life a complete misery. She's 11!

I'm sure that's not what he wants for her.

Any out-of-school clubs or interests she could do to mix with new children?

Does your DD have any outside hobbies? Guides, sport? Could build up her social life with a few low pressure activities.

Yes pull her out of school and ensure that all your communications with the school and other authorities about this matter are in writing. If they insist on calling you instead of replying in writing, record the calls (easy these days if you have a computer and can set up phone call receiving software on it). In-person meetings, let them know you are recording them on your phone and do so. I am saying this for a reason. You may need to prove that you have done all you can to resolve this with the current school, in order to get help.

I'm going to try and get her involved in girl scouts/guides? and dance lessons. Also going to try and get her more active. We swim (only exercise I can manage because of my disability) and she loves it so going to try to do that more often too.

Your DH is being ridiculous. An adult who received death threats and ongoing abuse would not face their abuser. They’d call the police and seek a restraining order. Please protect your child - my parents didn’t and it caused lifelong MH issues.