Really need advice, DD desperately unhappy

[MayorMumbum]

I've posted a few times recently but I'm having a really tough time with DD.

The back story is a year ago a girl who DD used to be friends with wrote a story about killing DD. We went to the school about it, it was claimed to have been dealt with etc. Then in October the same girl began to socially isolate DD, turning her friends against her and threatening to get "revenge" on her (no one seems to know what she wants revenge for). DD suffers pretty badly with anxiety and has been withdrawing and sitting in the library alone every lunchtime rather than be near this girl. No physical bullying has taken place but she is genuinely terrified of her. This girl glares at her (and me!) all the time and spreads viscous rumours. Just horrible.

Due to some other issues (not being offered any schools she had hoped for, my disability getting worse) she has completely broken down. She is having panic attacks, she's withdrawn, she's pulling her hair out of her eyebrows. She's stressed and sometimes hysterical about going to school. She's in year 6 and SATS are almost here and she's buckling under the pressure.

I've spoken to the GP who said to deal with it via the school nurses but DD has begged me not to do that as school is where her anxiety comes from. She begs me every day to be kept at home and I've wondered whether home schooling would be the best thing for her. Or at least taking her out for a while to regain some strength.

DH wants her to be stronger but she's desperately unhappy and I don't know what to do. Please help me with some advice on how to help her. I'm so worried.

My niece was bullied at school, my sister moved her to another school and she is very happy now.

There is an argument for not running away from your problems, but your daughter is miserable. I'd consider moving schools. Yes there are bullies in every school, but it looks like this bully has zoned in on your DD.

Nobody deserves the treatment she's being given, you seem unsupported by the school.

Good luck op 💐

She hated karate

I don't feel like there is anything else the school can do now that the bullying has finished. They wouldn't be happy if I took her out this close to SATS though, I hate knowing she's there so anxious right now. I shouldn't have sent her today . I just don't know what to do.

You have had some really good advice on here, but I just wanted to send you a virtual hand hold and some . Your poor dd. I really feel for her.

When my dd had anxiety we liked What to do when you sorry too much (from Amazon). We also paid for some private counselling - but my dd's anxiety comes from within, and yours is caused by another person.

Have you mentioned it at school at all? I'd start there - why should that horrible little bully get away with it? Make an appt with your dd's teacher or head teacher. Write down everything you have done here. The school should have an anti-bullying policy.

It's a bit shit that they haven't noticed your dd being picked on and being alone at break and lunch times. They should have done.

Failing that, I'd think about withdrawing her. What secondary is she going to? Are her friends going there? What about the bully?

Sorry - just seen your update.

Tinkobell: this was done to me. I had to sit next to someone who had assaulted me in the most violent and disgusting fashion. The school knew exactly what had happened, but "getting along" was more important than my safety. Oh, and my parents approved of it. I never trusted them again.

OP: surround her with love. Frankly, most of primary school can be done be the child themself if they're curious enough. Also you can set fire to things and play with fire.

Apologies for the last sentence, I had a late finish

Dont send her back.
Home school her for now whilst you get her some help.
All schools are so different perhaps try her in another one when you have her mental health more stable.
Your poor dd the school sound rubbish.

Resilience doesn't mean just putting up with bullying and bad treatment it's about doing whatever it takes to improve your situation, whether that be changing your own behaviour in a reasonable way (e.g being more assertive) or if that doesn't work, getting official help to put a stop to the problem or if that doesn't work leaving a bad situation. Its having the self esteem to see you deserve good, fair treatment and making sure you get it. It's not stay there and put up with being bullied.

100% this. As she’s a child she cannot remove herself, but knowing that her parents saw, listened and helped her will teach her a hell of a lot more about her self worth than being left in this situation with no help.

The pp who suggested the girls were forced together to sort the library etc, I can see where you’re coming from but imho this would be the absolute worst nightmare for ops dd, and would cause her immense stress.

If she likes swimming I’d look for a local swimming club. They’re not all competitive, round here they range from teaching to swim, swimming for fun and fitness with coaching to full on competitive. The middle ones tend to be fun, sociable clubs whilst also teaching a skill and fitness.

I couldn’t care less whether the school was happy or not. I’d prioritise my child’s safety and well-being.

You could consider a kids theatre group? My nephew made lots of friends and they were very inclusive.

I'm going to pay for private counselling I think, even DD said last night "I think it's time I got some help" .

The advice here has been wonderful, thank you all so much.

I would phone the LA and see what other primaries in the area have places then if any suitable and its viable go and visit them / research them.

I would let her stay home in the meantime - if you want to teach her from home, ask on here about home education but as a basic start mathletics is about £40 a year and covers the maths - can do a free trial, don't buy immediately then they offer you a discount. WH Smiths or similar will have year 6 guides to other subjects.

Don't worry about upsetting school or your DH, just do what's best for your daughter. It's very important to get help to a self-harming child to stop it escalating and your DH needs to realise that, sure he means well but she is at breaking point.

Take her out of school for a few days. Let her rest for a day or two. Then take her out, and treat her to her hair done, a new outfit, etc. And maybe a grown up lunch or coffee out?
Then once she's feeling more relaxed and rested, get her to start those extra curricular and exercise.
Whilst she's resting and recouping, speak to the school and see what they can do and try to get some outside help like counselling.
Send her back to school but on a trial, tell the school if she is on her own, being bullied etc. Then you will be taking her out permanently (until secondary)
Speak to the school board about her secondary placement. She needs somewhere supportive and nurturing away fr this girl.
Good luck @MayorMumbum

Aw bless you and your DD
I came on here feeling very sorry for myself and your post puts things in perspective. Personally I'd take her out. Could the school support if you home school? There are some brilliant CGP workbooks you could follow? Or is there another school available, well away from that girl ?x

I don't think I will put her in another primary this close to year 7. I think it would be too much for her.

I've looked in to stage coach too, think she would enjoy that. Currently she won't do anything like take part in plays/choirs etc because this other girl "stares" at her whenever she does anything that makes her stand out.

This is so sad, please take her out of school if home schooling is a possibility

Dont worry about what the school think they arent caring for your child properly here.
She comes first.

💐 OP. Take her out of school. Now. She's begging you. Her mental health is failing. Even if you don't want to home ed her permanently, freeing her from that living hell temporarily is the only option.

I feel for you, my son was in a very similar situation and it went on for a long long time.
You need to be very pro active. Log everything, badger the school and contact them, the governors, ousted and the attendance officer with every incident and in the meantime keep your poor daughter at home and take her to the gp, don't let them fob you off this time.
Schools are awful at stepping up and dealing with it. In the end I removed my son because the school just wouldn't feel with the issue. He was being sick and not sleeping and I was getting nowhere. Via the gp we finally got referred to a counselling service who were amazing but you have to be very loud and keep pestering otherwise they will just fob you off. I hope your poor daughter is happier soon

The school not being happy about you pulling her before SATS is not your problem, they have a duty of care to your daughter and they’re failing in it. Yes the overt bullying has stopped but they are failing to deal with the consequences of it. Of course they want her to do her SATS when she’s going to get high results in them, but your concern is your dd health, not making the school look good.
Have you asked your dd what she wants to do? I know you said she begs to stay home, but have you discussed home schooling, changing school etc? We had four children swap to our primary half way through y 6 due to problems at their previous school ( all together) and all their parents still say it was the best thing they did ( now yr 10)

So sorry to hear this. I have an anxious daughter too and I took her out of school and when she went back she went to a different one a year and a half later.
I know it's a tough decision but I really would keep her home for now. There are lots of work books you can buy to carry on working at home. Don't worry about SATS, they are more for the school than anything else and your dd will catch up again with everyone else. My dd had no problems after 18 months. Please feel free to pm me if I can help at all.

I think the ideas of scouts, karate etc are brilliant and could be a real lift for her OP. If you do leave, go and see the head before you go. All this bully girl has succeeded in doing is learning how to stay below the radar of receiving punishment. They are a very dumb unobservant school if they'd can't see that bullying particularly amongst girls involves low level exclusion and bitchiness. Once your DD has left, who next? The bully will simply move on to make another kids life a misery. Please, if you are going to leave, do so with a firm message ...don't slink away. Write to the LEA as well.....mention duty of care, lack of recognising anxiety in pupils all that stuff, lack of staff awareness or training.

writing a story about killing your dd is not forgettable and forgivable.
of course your dd still suffers. and also the other bullying.
you need to speak to school explaining her current emotional problems as consequence of what has happened and that she doesn't want to come to school and afraid that this situation will affect her SAT results badly. and you are thinking of changing schools if the situation doesn't improve.
they should put additional support for her to feel calmer and happier at school. and be kept away from that girl at all times.
i really feel for your dd, i hope everything resolves soon.

The problem is when I have discussed DD's anxieties with the school, whilst supportive I do get the impression they believe I am exaggerating the issue as she seems fine and happy in lessons. DD says that the reason for this is she "doesn't want to worry anyone" and that she is generally happy in lesson when she is being "protected" by her teacher (and the TA who is wonderful). It's lunchtime and break time that she really struggles and there is no way I can bring her home at lunch and still get DD2 to nursery.

DS says he sees her sitting in a dark corner of the library every lunch time with her head in a book, crying sometimes and he makes sure to give her a kiss and a cuddle before he goes back to class. He's worried sick about her too and he's only eight!

I'm hoping a letter and firm diagnosis from the GP will help them see that I'm not some overly hysterical mother. They don't seem to realise than anxiety is expressed in different ways and that she is internalising most of it.

In light of all your advice I think I will be making an appointment with the head today as well as hand delivering a letter detailing the issues from beginning to end. Even if I am removing my DD I don't think the school have any idea who they are dealing with when it comes to this bully.

In the mean time I will be taking her out of school and hopefully the GP will be on board writing a letter signing her off for a couple of weeks whilst we get her to a private counsellor for a few sessions, lots of time at home being cuddled and reassured and then go from there.

I will also be showing this entire thread to DH.

Thank you all so much

Where you say your little boy hugs her at school that made my heart sore 😢 I used to watch the clock at work imagining my DD passing intervals and lunchtimes. What a lovely brother she has ❤️