I can offer you solutions to all your problems

[pineapplebryanbrown]

I am a non medically trained self appointed internet nurse. I am unfettered by knowledge or training and can solve anything, no matter how trivial.

Please enter my advice clinic where you will find kindly Agony Aunt services. My rules and solutions are mostly as follows:

1. Lie Down
2. No Guests
3. No One is Too Fat or Too Thin
4. No One Gets Told Off

I know Dangly working poor Sweet literally to death 💀 so badly that she's hospitalised. It's dreadful, people must learn the sanctity of resting.

Get well soon sweet.

Just sampling some Tesco s&v popped snacks (crisps). I'm sad to report that the balance is wrong. Too much v, not enough s. I've added s, but i prefer it to be ingrained.

I'll eat them, but they make my soul cry a bit.

Now some Tesco's own brand apple go-ahead biscuits with a cinnamon sprinkle. Pretty good if you have 3 at a time. It's not chocolate but I'm waiting in for a delivery /watching TV. CAN'T go outside, not my fault.

Thanks all! FakeEyes have transformed my life. Tappet chest cover....gaskets....modern Araldite doesn't seem as good.....I am quite well rested now. I do keep worrying about Pauline, though.

thigh how has “diet” food ended up in your house? Is this an attack? Was it the same person that left Gillian McKeith on your table?

sweet well done on making your point. In the future you can say “well you know who’s hard I try to get into work, there was that time that I was hospitalised, remember”.

Thislido I'm glad you asked re diet food. Some prissy bitch called Pauline came to my door earlier. She shouted through the letterbox telling me she's a widow now. OK, but she still can't come in. She even snaked her arm through the letterbox feeling for a key on a string. This ain't the 70s, no key/string combo here.

Anyway, i shouted back that i was contagious and lethal with shitting disease and she put the food through the letterbox.

I ate it cos it appeared to be biscuits and crisps. But it really hasn't agreed with me.

Pauline actually works for @MNHQ and she's been trying to befriend me for the past 3 weeks. She presses her face against my windows and keeps shouting through my letterbox.

Still cockmunching. There's a lot of Fuckboys by that river you know. Some of us have been busy

What's been happening?

Getting there you are! We had a manic hooverer called Pauline from @MNHQ kill her husband Mike earlier. Rather than join us to enjoy some cosy slanket time she ran off and had her colours done and had lots of vaginal rejuvenation surgery. Odd.

Anyway, later she tried to get in to see me but posted snax through my letterbox instead.

Ok, ok, let me catch up

G'day Danga

Hurrah!

G'day Getting hurry up and catch up, thister, it's been a strange day so far!

Huh, that Pauline is properly mental. She thinks she's special because she's got a tight vagina, when really she should keep it relaxed in case she ever wants to birth a child.

Thigh, I know you take all precautions, but don't open the door to Pauline. She has been doing "improvements" and is obviously out for recruits for her hellish cult.

Pooter she was screaming about the benefits of hymen repair as she was throwing snax through my letterbox. Why does she want to befriend me? I'm certainly not welcoming.

Does @MNHQ want to spread their mantra of hoovering and hymen repair throughout Thighland?

They fear our power.

We lie down powerful and strong in our pissy slankets. We will not be moved.

Noooo there must be a Safe Space on Mumsnet !!

They want to lure us back to AIBU and the relationship board. Will i get pushed on a bus bound for Housekeeping?

What is this hoovering of which you speak thigh it sounds like something we don't want brought into Thighland. Still posting snax through the letterbox could be ok if you can train her to do it quietly. How about one of those dog training thingies set at a frequency only she can hear.

Small hoovering is not something I've done myself. I have dogs to pick up any dropped food. I'm sure they'd deal with rodents too.

thigh we cannot cannot CARRRRNT be sent back to AIBU.

I don't want to wax my bumhole! I want to lie down in Thighland and stuff my face!

I can't peform my Rugby Ball Trick in AIBU!!

I won't go!

We Shall Not Be Moved. We cannot anyway it's a no movement movement!!!

Oh Danga. I'm still on yesterday with the catch up. Different time zones and all that. Hard for Aussies to hold our phones too, as we all stand on our heads and make sure our sinks drain backwards. Some of us have crocodiles swimming past our front doors while others have flaming bushes.

Just want to know how many of you read the bum shaving thread and actually bend over with a mirror between your legs to check your hairiness?? Or was it just me?

Only just got back up from that, then read about Royal's hubby's poo stains.

Finding the will to go on....

Dangly i think I've been tricked by MN in the guise of Pauline though.

I ate 6 go ahead and i don't feel like I've had a single biscuit.

I have some ready made pancakes that i was planning to have with golden syrup. I looked at the packet and shrugged, i said "meh" out loud!

thigh don't eat any more - you're right it's a TRICK. You haven;t had a biscuit, you're literally filling up on cardboard!

Don't panic, I am sending the Turkish Man to yours with a job lot of galaxy and wotsits. I'm all out of galaxy and M Munch or you could have had those too. You can open the door to him, he won't be guest.

(Unless you want him to be)

It's an emergency!! Purge your body of cardboard, you need to have the shits and soon!!