I can offer you solutions to all your problems

[pineapplebryanbrown]

I am a non medically trained self appointed internet nurse. I am unfettered by knowledge or training and can solve anything, no matter how trivial.

Please enter my advice clinic where you will find kindly Agony Aunt services. My rules and solutions are mostly as follows:

1. Lie Down
2. No Guests
3. No One is Too Fat or Too Thin
4. No One Gets Told Off

Oh you’re good!

Whatever the hell you want!

Is Getting still working as a cockmuncher or has she become a todger dodger?

Pauline, you sound pretty resourceful. Has he been buried or cremated? I don't want to worry you, but what would happen if one of his on line datees got suspicious. Another autopsy is never out of the question. Just saying.

jazz

I have a calculation for you, to help you decide (if you event already)
Where F = fidelity (number of infidelity events)
U = unhappiness (score between 1 and 10 where 10 is bad and 1 is delighted)
Kc = constant as length of relationship (number of years)
F0 = feelings during relationship (score between 1 and 10 where 1 is bad and 10 is delighted)
F1= feelings now (score between 1 and 10 where 1 is bad and 10 is delighted)

If F1-F0 > (greater than) 1 then you are happier now

These are usually in equilibrium (Invert the F1, F0 parameters)

(-F - (-U))Kc x F0-F1

Simples

Naked, could you get a large government grant to give workshops on this? It would change our society for the better.

Pooter cremated, I've scattered his cremains in the wheelie bin. Now I'm off to spend the money on getting my colours done and having loads of plastic surgery to look younger and look for a new man. I'm going to take a flower arranging course and a course on becoming a mindful wife so i can be a better wife next time. P 🌺

Good luck, Pauline. You are coping well, and if you have a large insurance payout you are bound to find a nice man. Just check in his garage first.

Oooh Pauline, I've just caught up with the goings on of this morning and you are my new hero!

That reminds me - has anyone got any Cadbury's Heroes they could send over by fuckboy. I've eaten the hamper that thigh so kindly sent me and a bit peckish.

Hi Spider Sod ping pong balls! I can fully recommend my rugby ball trick for making full sexy use of your condition, I fully recommend this trick as a tempting mating ritual for the looser flapped lady.

Caroline I’m afraid it’s time for your re-education, but don’t worry, the training collars are humane.

Pauline sit down. You’ve had a lot to take in. Talk us through the joy you imagine that a “husband” will bring.

Dangly, do you ever find that the shape of rugby balls means they sometimes shoot out extra fast, injuring the prey?

thislido Yes, yes they do a bit but I find them more effective than a stun gun.

You can then easy haul them home with the promise of a stiff drink and 'let's get you all cleaned up, I have some lovely Noddy plasters at my house that would look so cool on your head injury'

Bob's your second cousin and Fanny's your step-grandmother twice removed!

Anyone know how to help someone with a head injury? I may have knocked out the PT with a rugby ball...

Thanks so much! Your advice is so clear and useful!

I think Dangly is the expert here but probably best to wrap him tightly in your slanket so he can’t injure himself any more. Silly boy, needs to work on his reaction times. You’re practically his PT.

Mubadverts are now for transformational hypnotherapy and a 4x4.

My adverts

Mine are for dog dental treats. How does it read minds like that, so intrusive.

Oh! Now airbnb, i wonder where I'm going?

Spider you should indeed wrap him in a slanket to lull him into a false sense of security (until you need him naked!)

You should dress the wound with a Noddy plaster as promised. You don't want him getting disappointed in you and escaping before you can get him into his new cage.

Now calpol, fuck off, don't need any of that shit.

@thighofrelief101 quick update. Work had a mental breakdown yesterday because j couldn't go in. I said I would try my best today.. I've actually ended up being admitted to hospital so work will have to cope without me!

Dangly do we need a new cage? Has anyone hosed the cage we kept the forearms teacher in? Has he been removed, fed, dead? I haven't visited the cage for a while.

Sweet what's wrong with you? I told you that you were almost dead. Work has done this to you. Get hospital dr to give you a big sick certificate, not one done in crayon. While you're there, could you steal us some xxxl hospital gowns please. They're for our summer uniform.

Write back unless you're dead.

thigh I think we've probably neglected the forearms teacher to death by now so we shall need the pigs.

After that we have the cage free again! I reckon a quick wipe over with Cillit Bang and it'll do again. These men are not too fussy and let's face it, beggars can't be choosers.

Sweet stop trying to go to work.

It's good that they had a mental breakdown, make sure they never mentally recover by never going in again!

Ooh thigh there are some evil bastards out there, trying to make people work when they should stay rested in slankets.