I can offer you solutions to all your problems

[pineapplebryanbrown]

I am a non medically trained self appointed internet nurse. I am unfettered by knowledge or training and can solve anything, no matter how trivial.

Please enter my advice clinic where you will find kindly Agony Aunt services. My rules and solutions are mostly as follows:

1. Lie Down
2. No Guests
3. No One is Too Fat or Too Thin
4. No One Gets Told Off

Penguin I reckon some are born thigh, they just have to learn to conceal it. Your daughter has a dilemma though. Does she reveal her thighness and get top marks, or pretend to be a bit thick so she gets a boyfriend?

Hi Girlz

I've decided to try OLD worried that my dick is too massive. I would like to take all of you on dates first, I'll give you a good time and if you're a catch we can hook up often, no strings attached.

Mike

Spider do pop back when you’re tired of his 20 year old libido. We can help you settle into your slanket.

I was thinking of using my slanket to trap him and hold him prisoner.

Too Kathy Bates? I don't want to come on too strong!

Oh and a great big thanks to all, I have tried out the painted-on eyes and they really work! Already today I have been shown a successful bit of silver soldering and had a tutorial about wrong sized fan belts. My slumbers were unimpeded. I'm so pleased I came here!

Pooter i proffer my Inner Thigh to you.

Mike, I think your dick could be the problem. You are hung like a horse (no judging) but it is out of proportion to your personality.

Gladly, Thigh!

Spider

Eww 😝 it sounds like you have a baggy fanny plus baggage - 3 kids, no thanks.

I'm not taking you on a luxury date.

Laterz, Mike

Thislido we do have an integral garage, well it's Mike's really. I'm only allowed in to hoover it. Mike has a lot of important equipment that I'm not allowed to touch.

Pauline

Pauline this advice comes from the children’s author Roald Dahl so totally legit. Buy a frozen leg of lamb. Ask Mike to inspect your hoovering. Whack him over the head with the frozen leg of lamb to put him out of his misery, it can’t be a nice life being him. Do this in the garage to save moving him. Are you near a river? If not we can provide pigs. Cook the leg of lamb and eat it. Also, do the Freedom Programme.

Pauline, if you've not touched his equipment much, maybe that's his reason for trying online dating? Take a good hard look at yourself. Are you willing to be a bit more passive aggressive and take control of the situation? Start small. Scatter a bit of fag ash on his meals. "Forget" to restock with toilet paper when his IBS is playing up. Hold your nerve. Does he have any large inheritances looming? If so, come back here for strategic financial advice. Is he insured? REALLY IMPORTANT.

Thislido are you suggesting I kill Mike? But what would i do with myself without his standards to aim for, but never reach?

I do like the idea of a lovely big roast all to myself. Mike says I'm fat and shouldn't eat meat or potatoes, how i miss them.

Hmm, yes I'm coming round to the idea, he's got such a tiny penis and is constantly taking photos of it. Perhaps to reassure himself it exists?

Girls, I'm pretty busy right now or I'd come over and honk your hooters. The old ball and chain needs me to help get a leg of lamb out of the chest freezer. Lazy slag bag, i have to supervise everything around here.

Don't worry, I'll be back to give you all a grrreat time

Mike xx

Are you there, Pauline?

Spider slanketnapping is an excellent idea, we haven't we thought of it sooner? I think Kathy Bates was just focused, everything you want is yours for the taking. If you can be arsed.

We already have a caged sexy young teacher, aged 26 i believe.

Fuck, has anyone fed the captive teacher? Who did we capture him for? I've forgotten.

Pooter hmm, yes, I'm here. Just putting the hoover away. Pauline.

You won’t need to again so shove it right into the cupboard. Don’t worry about standards, we have our own to guide us.

I think whoever the teach was for probably took him?

I smashed the hoover with the lamb, i don't know what came over me, i feel so unusual! P xx

Where is Getting? I hope she hasn’t tried to reach Australia in only a slanket and floating snack bucket.

Thank god Pauline. I was quite worried about you but I see it will all be ok.

Is your thigh throbbing?

Thislido it is throbbing a little, is it those squat thrusts I've been doing?

Ok, I've killed Mike and eaten the lamb. I pulled over his equipment rack and made sure his telescopic camera hit him in the same place as the lamb. I've got away with it and collected the insurance. Now what shall i do with the rest of my life?

It’s your Inner Thigh. Rejoice!

Is Mike going in the river or do you need pigs? Or have you come up with another ingenious solution, you seem quite resourceful?