I can offer you solutions to all your problems

[pineapplebryanbrown]

I am a non medically trained self appointed internet nurse. I am unfettered by knowledge or training and can solve anything, no matter how trivial.

Please enter my advice clinic where you will find kindly Agony Aunt services. My rules and solutions are mostly as follows:

1. Lie Down
2. No Guests
3. No One is Too Fat or Too Thin
4. No One Gets Told Off

Project if you send Barry to HR they will put you in charge of HR.

your thighelency

It has come to my attention that a sum needs to be done. Mention was made regarding the sum of snack n slankets being greater than their parts and ham and pickle being similar by magic.

Good ladies, let me seek to inject the zanusi of knowledge, and apply some science.

Slanket/snacks = ham/pickle= a bloody high score ( higher than the parts)

Since snacks cancels out ham we can simplify the equation to:

slanket/ pickle= a bloody high score.

Slanket by now is so similar to the smell and colour of pickle ( brandson) that they cancel each other out.

We can rearrange the equation to

A bloody high score.

If we take out bloody and consider the score 0

We just get high.

Suits me.

My ex has just emailed me enquiring about my welfare. How should I reply? I am laid down, wrapped in a slanket and drinking wine. I don’t need him but I do love him. I already have 3 cats 🍷🐈

Jazz it's a good job you came to the clinic while it was still Wednesday. We get more cantankerous as the week progresses and Wednesdays is only arse punching day. Your ex needs a really hard arse punching.

Your ex is a twat, you don't need or love him. He's breadcrumbing you, that's all.

What you need to do is watch more TV, eat snax and get a dog. If you don't want a dog, get yourself a box of chocolates and eat them all.

Do you have a slanket? It's a hug in a rug.

Good morning.
Fuckwit (how i shall now on refer to "D"P)
Is pukey now too apparently. ..
Can we please hurry and take the fucker away?

I don’t deal with sick. I’m afraid you’re just going to have him put to sleep, it’s the kindest thing, he’s been I’ll for so long. If you don’t want to pay for a vet you can use a pillow.

How should I reply?

Jazz this is an elementary but understandable mistake. You do not reply. You are just hindering your own recovery. Go into you email settings and have emails from his address blocked. You will be thinking “but what if it’s important”. It won’t be important. He’s your ex.

If you want you can tell us about why he’s an ex and we can advise further.

I have realised today the leggings I wore yesterday for my PT session with my super hot PT trainer are totally transparent when I squat. How do I face him again?

Plus, any tips on doing shoulder stand after 3 kids without trumpeting from my lady parts on my descent?

It is ruining my secret fantasies of PT trainer who is 20 years younger than me wanting to run off into a sexy sunset with me

Thislido i loved your advice to Jazz you've become such a natural, it's truly beautiful to see how you've blossomed.

If only we had more problems to solve that weren't our own.

I know we'll make the problems up! I'll write in pretending to be normal! This could work.

Naked, that is a good use of science!

Hi Ladies,

I hope you can give me some advice. There's something wrong with my wife, i hate the way she hoovers, it's sloppy. Plus, she's really let herself go, she's a slob and I'm ashamed of her appearance. Recently I've been thinking she's a fat dog and i deserve better. I'm a catch

TIA Mike (Mechanic)

Spider the seethroughness of your leggings is a bonus. Men are visual creatures and like to see what you have to offer, he will think you are sexy for showing him your squashed by leggings fanny whilst squatting in front of 30 other people. Next week cut a hole in them and paint your arse red.

He's more likely to respond to a brightly coloured object.

Jazz, thigh's advice is totally correct. Beware of getting a greyhound, though, your cats may feel offended. I have two grandpets, and one runs towards the other with a lovely grin, and the other runs away yowling. Maybe get a Jack Russell puppy? It will protect everyone in your household, and show your ex off the premises should he appear. Yes, tell him you've got IBS then block him.

Spider how you face him? Arse first I’d say, can the leggings do a second day? He’s probably reallly into that, I can’t imagine why anyone would be a PT otherwise.

I’m trying to work out the physics of the shoulder stand thing. Is it that as you descend the wind rushes around your flaps and they produce a noise like a special kind of wind instrument? If so, keep the leggings on and wear tighter knickers. Or are you sucking air in and then expelling it at speed on the way down? If so, you just need to own it, take some ping pong balls.

Royal, better out than in.

Spider, better out than in.

Great idea on the practice questions. It reminds me of my dd who is revising for her exams. I hope there isn't an exam on being Thigh. If there is can it be like my work hygiene cert which you can just keep retrying till you finally pass?

Thanks your thighness!

Mike, can you put your wife on, we should probably deal with her directly. Have you got an integral garage? Does she keep it hoovered? Probably not, lazy cow, but don’t worry, we’ll sort it.

Or are you sucking air in and then expelling it at speed on the way down?

This.

Ping pong balls would work well with the crotchless leggings.

Thank all
I will get my pinking shears out

Hi, Mike said you wanted me? I'm pretty busy, I've got a lot of hoovering and cleaning to do. Mike's got very high standards for me. He's so snappy, i try and try but it's hard to keep the place to his exacting standards.

Pauline

Also, spider, is there some gentle music playing in the background? If so, surely it is chosen to cover up the odd fanny fart. If it is inadequate, why not take in some Rolling Stones cds?

Pauline, does he snap and fart? He may have IBS.

Hi Pauline! Mike sounds like a pain in the arse. I think it might be terminal. I bet you haven’t even got a slanket? It’s time for us to send Mike to a “better place”. Have you got an integral garage?

Spider do pop back when you’re tired of his 20 year old libido. We can help you settle into your slanket.