Teenager paying for takeaway

[dontknowwhattodo80]

Hi all!

Interested to see what others think of this first world scenario.

DS is 15. He gets pocket money every week, which sometimes he uses to buy a joint take away with friends on a Friday night ( when we aren't having a take away ). His money, his choice what he uses it for.

Tonight we have friends coming over and we're getting in pizzas ( take away). DS1 is currently out with friends and has one staying tonight. Originally they were going to be out past the point we'd be eating and would have sorted themselves out ( ordered own pizza later or eaten in town).

They're now going to be back in time and DS checked whether they'd be able to have pizza with us, which I said yes.

DH thinks that DS is being really cheeky. Effectively is expecting us to pay for something he was going to pay for himself- it's his choice to be out ( arranged before we arranged to have people round).

My stance is that we're having a take away. If DS was at home as normal he'd be having the take away with us- paid for by us. His friend is staying as our guest- so we feed him. I feel that even if DS missed the take away time with us then I'd probably give him money to sort himself out for tea.

So, after reading that essay, what would be your opinion on this?

Oh and the pocket money! DS gets a reasonable amount of pocket money a week. He often chooses to spend this on a take away etc with his mates. His choice. He's welcome to have tea with us, but he likes doing it. We would never expect him to pay for his own meal if we're having one, in fact, if we have a take away the night he's out with his friends I normally give him extra as we would have paid for it if he'd been at home.

@dontknowwhattodo80 I know what you've told us here. He sounds like a miserly man.

If he wouldn't take the money why make the comment?
Calling a 15yo cheeky because he wants to come home with his planned guest and eat the dinner you were all having is wrong.

You knew he had a guest and you knew he'd not had any dinner when he went out; he shouldn't have needed to ask!
It's not as though he sprung it on you. He should've felt able to say 'Mum we're coming back, have you eaten yet?' and that's it.
You were having a treat dinner. Your child should be included in that treat.

Another case of having a DH problem.

That's a very big change in the story there OP.

Miserly husband still expecting a 15yo guest to provide his own dinner at your home though. Who was paying for the takeaway? Were your guests paying for theres or were you treating?

You knew the poor boy was staying. Would he have begrudged him being cooked a dinner as well?

Paint it whichever way you want. Your husband doesn't come off well.

*theirs not theres

Op said 'It doesn't bother me, as I say I wouldn't have taken it even if he'd offered it, but I don't think anyone should feel obliged to pay for a meal for someone else's child.'
This is the crux of the matter, most people would not mind if they can afford it and would not give it a second thought, your dh made an issue of it and you yourself cannot see anything wrong with it.

So your DH didn't want to feed the friend as he'd been given "food money" by his mum?

Urm, your DH is still a tight, miserly fucker.

You say the boys plans changed right? So they didn't decide to come home because there was a takeaway?

Ultimately it's the same thing.... he didn't want to feed the "cheeky" friend which means he expected your DS to feed himself at some stage, to mitigate feeding the friend? Or was he going to feed your DS and let the kids buy his own take away?

In any event as I say, your DH is mean.

In fact tonight he's been invited round to a friends for her birthday and has been told he has to take money.

I really doubt this.

I think that being kinder like you, instead of your DH, is actually the long game and a better way to be. My friends mum was similar, we would all hang at my friends house, playing games or sleeping over. She’d make us tea and sandwiches all day, chat with us briefly. And the up side for her?

She always knew where her son was.
She knew all his friends really well.
We always had a safe place to go.

In London where stabbings are rife, that’s worth more than a pizza.

@iampicklerick

you and I are both kindred spirits, I feel
I totally agree with you

@ionlylovemybedandmymama - it most definitely is true. It seems to be the way that the vast majority of his friends and their parents do it. Most have either a meal with friends in a restaurant or take away at home. Over the last two years, DS has done both and on both occasions I've paid for everything ( hung around and waited to pay at the end of a meal at a restaurant). I can think of one other time he's been to a paid for birthday take away. He's usually told to take money, or even asked to bring some into school after the event to pay back the parents.

Not the way I'd do it, it's his birthday and I expect to provide a party but I assume it's more the done thing! But I don't judge those parents as I don't know the situation.

@Crunchymum - he didn't not want to buy the food! He thought it was cheeky that the boys were asking to do it when they'd been given money to buy food elsewhere.

I wouldn't be overly impressed if DS did that! If I give him money to buy food I don't expect him to then go and find a way to get a freebie!

I can assure you, none of his other friends parents would have been amused if their child and friend had timed to come home in time for a free take away, because that is what they did. It doesn't bother me, DS's friends are lovely, but I think DH feels that we are taken advantage of a bit as we're always the ones running around after DS and his mates and very few other parents get involved. My fault, as I just do it, but now there is an expectation by DS that it's alright mum will do it/pay for it etc

I had spoken to the friends mum the other day, she was embarrassed enough that he was having to come back to us after being out so said she'd ensure DS was able to feed himself etc. I haven't spoken to her since ( I don't intend on telling her ) but I can't imagine she's going to be overly thrilled with him, whether it saved her money or not!

@LikeACowsOpinion - the friend and DS weren't meant to be there. If it was a proper arranged sleep over then yes of course feeding him wouldn't have even been questioned because he was an invited guest, who was due to arrive before we ate.

This was not the case, it wasn't a sleep over, it was a case of a friend using our house to sleep in as he couldn't get home. That all changed when they decided they didn't want to pay for tea in town so wanted to come and eat with us instead - saving themselves money ( even DS acknowledges that!)

I've said how we do a lot, it is rarely reciprocated. It staggers me how this thread is going, how there should just be an expectation that we do absolutely everything for DS's friends and if we even so much as question to ourselves whether they were being cheeky then we're tight-fisted bastards etc. Absolutely bizarre

OP I really don’t think there is much point in continually writing long posts - people have made up their mind and unlikely to change it

Some good advice on this thread. Ultimately only you know your husband but I’d urge you to listen to some of the posters who say your son may pick up on things more than you think.

@ShirleyPhallus - thank you but apart from being a bit grumpy at times there is really nothing for DS to pick up on. As I say, I totally and utterly misunderstood what DH meant yesterday . My fault, and I was flabbergasted at what I thought he meant, as it is nothing like how he would normally be.

DH just felt that the mickey was being taken and that yet again we were being expected to sort everyone out. I know I've caused that by just doing everything and making our house comfortable for his friends. I did that because I like doing it, DH thinks I'm mad but puts up and shuts up, because it's mainly me who does it.

Pay for the pizza, he is your son! Different if
Your cooking a fresh meal and he chooses a take away but why would your husband charge when everyone else is eating at the same time and same thing!

I'm going to assume you haven't read the whole thread but I totally agree with you @DaisyDreaming