Teenager paying for takeaway

[dontknowwhattodo80]

Hi all!

Interested to see what others think of this first world scenario.

DS is 15. He gets pocket money every week, which sometimes he uses to buy a joint take away with friends on a Friday night ( when we aren't having a take away ). His money, his choice what he uses it for.

Tonight we have friends coming over and we're getting in pizzas ( take away). DS1 is currently out with friends and has one staying tonight. Originally they were going to be out past the point we'd be eating and would have sorted themselves out ( ordered own pizza later or eaten in town).

They're now going to be back in time and DS checked whether they'd be able to have pizza with us, which I said yes.

DH thinks that DS is being really cheeky. Effectively is expecting us to pay for something he was going to pay for himself- it's his choice to be out ( arranged before we arranged to have people round).

My stance is that we're having a take away. If DS was at home as normal he'd be having the take away with us- paid for by us. His friend is staying as our guest- so we feed him. I feel that even if DS missed the take away time with us then I'd probably give him money to sort himself out for tea.

So, after reading that essay, what would be your opinion on this?

OP your DH is being a miserable git today but I'm sure it'll blow over. Hope you all enjoyed the pizzas.
Why are some men like this?🙄😄

OP there is nothing wrong with him buying takeaway with his pocket money in preference to having a meal that you are happy to provide. Pocket money is for treats and that's his view of a treat. You've said he's not a shopper so socialising with his friends is where he spends the money. You don't restrict his food or insist he buys his own on a daily basis.

You DH is wrong, we know that, you know that and he probably knows it too. I don't think the step son thing is as big a deal as others are saying.

I think he is probably projecting a bit of his own upbringing into this and also I think it's sometimes easy to forget how young DC are when the generally behave maturely.

If he isn't normally a dick then I think this is one of those situations where he needs to understand that he is in the wrong and move on. I think despite the apparent maturity, many DC are generally more dependent than we were at their age. DH and I both come from a background of poverty and never received pocket money and had jobs from a young age to pay for our own stuff. We've probably gone the other way in being overly generous - there is probably a middle ground somewhere and maybe you and your DH need to find that - then apply it across the board. You can't compare the two DC as they are too far apart in age and we tend to make all our mistakes with the eldest anyway....:o

Oh and we had a chat about it, he meant cheeky in that DS's plans changing meant that we'd now be paying for a take away for his friend, when actually they were meant to be out and friend would have bought his own meal. Not a situation that bothers me, I'm a more the merrier type, but DH felt it had been expected that it would be ok for us to pay, when actually DS had asked if it was ok.

OP I think your husband has been given a bit of a hard time here. Yes he's been a bit tight but clearly we are only getting a snapshot of his character here. We're all flawed, after all. Plus it's not like he's insisted on his way, he merely made a comment. We all think our spouses are batshit sometimes. And bio or step dad has naff all to do with it.

“He's never laid a finger on any of us, ”
It always worries me when people feel the need to say this......

If this is real (which I doubt) then it’s shocking.
My dh is not my daughter’s dad yet today we went to see her at uni and we all went out for afternoon tea which he paid for.
We all had a lovely time.
Whereas your husband begrudges your son a pizza. Give your head a wobble.

Oh thank you @spudlet7 ! Exactly that, he thought ( and said to me ) about it but had no intentions of doing anything about it. It's just a shame some posters seem to have decided that isn't the case.

Bio or non bio means absolutely diddly squat as well, he's equally as grumpy at times about both of them. That comment has really upset me. We once went through a tricky time with DS and we talked about whether DS might feel that DH is different with him ( which he wasn't!) and it absolutely devastated DH, to the point that he started over compensating and spoiling him- not necessarily a good thing either. On the back of it though, it's important to DH that he treats both the boys equally , or as much as he can barring in mind the age difference, and he's very aware of that.

@BertrandRussell - because I feel like posters are thinking this!

He’s 15! Of course you should feed him.
Your dh is so mean.

Ugh now he's resenting buying his friend a meal.

I can't abide meanness. It's the one thing I find deeply unattractive.

@Wakk - what happens if those people can't afford to feed that friend. Not in our case ( although we don't have loads) but would you be so nasty about someone who couldn't?

If I couldn’t afford to feed an additional person who was a guest in my house, then I would switch to a cheaper meal. I would rather feed everyone pesto pasta than charge my child and a child guest for their meal.

There was a thread about two days ago about whether men should pay for first dates or not. A lot of women said that they wouldn't be with a guy who didn't pay. Can I guess that your other half didn't pay? It makes absolute sense that your son is not his also, as nobody I know would begrudge paying to feed their child and their friend. It's a privilege to be a parent and as such is a privilege and duty to feed them. Your husband sounds like a mean cunt and I would personally not be able to find him attractive. You claim to be soft. What is soft? Feeding your son and his friend? I'm sure when your son goes to his friend's house he gets fed? You're not soft in my view. But there is a word I have in mind.

It will sound dramatic, but my blood genuinely ran cold when I read the op.

The lad will know deep down his presence is resented and not wanted, and the boy will leave home as soon as he is able.

He's 15. You're still responsible for feeding the lad. I can't believe anyone would even contemplate charging their kid for food.

@dontknowwhattodo80 I'm not being nasty. I'm giving my opinion on people being very mean with money they can afford.

If they can't afford it it's a different ballgame, totally different.

I think you'll find it hard to get anyone to agree that being tight-fisted is an attractive trait.

He’s 15. You’re still responsible for feeding him and you’re getting pizza anyway. I would personally feed my child. Making him lay when you’re treating everyone else is horribly isolating etc. Plus you should be encouraging a 15 yo to eat with his family not making him pay

You know what I've had enough of this now. All this " I bet he didn't pay" - yes he bloody did. Making your child pay when others were having a treat- where do I say we do that? Everyone is reading what they want to read.

DH SAID SOMETHING- HE DIDNT ACT ON IT, HAD NO INTENTION OF ACTING ON IT. HE'S NOT ABUSIVE, NOT A WICKED STEP DAD. YES AT TIMES HE HAS GRUMPY OPINIONS , YESTERDAY THERE WAS A CHANGE OF PLAN AND BARING IN MIND EVERYTHING WAS ARRANGED HE THOUGHT DS WAS BEING ABIT CHEEKY ASKING IF THEY COULD NOW EAT WITH US. HE HAD ABSOLUTELY NO INTENTION OF TAKING MONEY FROM EITHER DS OR HIS FRIEND AND NO WHERE IN THIS ENTIRE THREAD HAVE I SAID ANYTHING OF THE SORT. NOR WAS HE PLANNING ON NOT FEEDING THEM.

@Karigan195 - so I should be telling him that he can't go out with his friends, and do what they all do? Really?!

@dohee- feel free to call me the name you intended

@dontknowwhattodo80 don’t be ridiculous. I said encourage not demand.

I think the point is that no normal caregiver, parent or stepparent, would think it, much less voice it, much less need you thinking of a comeback when you anticipate him grumbling about it later as you said upthread. Your child cannot but have picked up on this vibe both tonight and over the years. The thread is virtually unanimous that this is deeply unusual behaviour from your partner and the concern is that you can’t quite see it - not that we have misunderstood some fundamental point.

But @Karigan195 , what do you mean encourage? DS is very welcome to eat with us, he chooses to do this and would probably not be overly impressed with me if I encouraged him to not! I'm really failing to see what DS does with his pocket money has anything to do with anyone on this thread.

It's his choice!

He’s 15, not in full time employment earning a huge wage. A pizza from Pizza Hut is £15 that’s more than I ever had in my pocket at 15. My grandparents still pay for our Sunday roast and we are all in our 30’s (DM in her 50s)

When is the cut off? Just feed your son and dump the H, I couldn’t be bothered to argue over a few extra slices of pizza.

@saccade - not at any point did I say he'd be grumbling later, I just intended that we'd talk about it and I wanted others opinions on what he said in case I'd missed his point. This was because I'd taken it from him that he had an issue with DS eating with us - I'd taken that wrong as I said up the thread. He thought it cheeky that DS and his friend had plans to eat elsewhere. The friend had money provided by his parents to eat elsewhere ( not because we wouldn't have fed him, but because originally they weren't going to be in) and DH thought it was abit cheeky that they were now expecting a free meal for the friend.

Not a problem for me, at all, i will always go above and beyond for DS's friends, but DH thought that was cheeky. Now, actually I kind of get his point, not that I thought that at the time. If DS had done this to a friends family I would have been embarrassed!