Dd embarrassed to bring home new friends. Why? Because my dp is a woman

[Cosmoplease]

Hi,

So dp isn't new on the scene. We've been together for 6 years and are married.

The reason this has become an issue recently, is because in the past, dd has struggled to keep friendships going and we've very rarely had friends over from school. This isn't to say we didn't try everything we could to help, but her primary was very small and we were hoping that once she'd started high school, she'd have more chance of finding her people.....and she has!

We're obviously really happy about this, but unfortunately it's highlighted a worry of dd's. I had assumed that she'd been open about my relationship, but it seems that's not the case. She had been putting off taking the next step and actually inviting her new friends over and at first, I assumed it was because she was just generally nervous, as this was a new thing for her, but it all came out last night.

A friend is supposed to be coming over tonight, but she seemed in a very strange, anxious/rude mood. I asked her what the matter was and she completely broke down and said that she was really sorry, but she is worried about what people will think. I gave her a big hug and told her I wasn't upset with her and that I understand. Of course part of me was very hurt, but not for me, for her. I feel awful that she'd been worrying about it so much.

We have, in the past, spoken about how to deal with negative comments etc, so it's not like we've been naive. I understand that regardless of it being 2019, there will be some children who just haven't been exposed to relationships like ours in rl, but I'd like to think that that doesn't automatically mean dd will be teased because of it.

I told her that even if this girl is a little shocked initially, that doesn't mean that she has a problem with it. Just that it might be new to her.

I'd be lying if I didn't say I feel tremendous guilt though. I don't want her to have to carry this worry too. She already worries about not fitting it.

I keep hearing my mum's cutting words, when dp and I first got together (I wasn't out before then) "You can't be with xxx, it's not fair on dd. She'll be bullied". I should say, she now completely loves my dp, but it was tough in the beginning and it's just been brought back to the surface, with everything dd was saying.

So I'm just looking for a bit of advice please.

How would you handle this tricky situation. I resent it being one, but it is what it is.

TIA

As a teen of the 80's my dm had a gf. Wow back then it was a massive deal!!
The fact my dm was happy was all that bothered me.

Explain to your dd that your happiness is as important as hers is, and you hope the stability you all have reflects that. She needs to be respectful of your choices as you are hers.

Does your daughter's friend have to know straight away. Could she not be introduced as a friend?

I'd encourage your dd to have the friend around anyway. She probably won't bat an eyelid, or she might just be curious.

My 13yo would be totally unfazed by this. She and her friends are very matter of fact about same sex relationships, so hopefully that's the norm now. And if this particular friend is weird about it, does your dd really want her as a friend anyway?

Encourage her to start small, mentioning dps name, or tell a trusted friend, and have some comebacks ready if there is any suprise or teasing like 'I thought you guys were a bit more grown up/ tolerant than that'. Remind her it might be this week's news, but then it is unlikely to matter.

The poor girl. And poor you!

I would say don’t let her anxiety stop her from having a friend over. Is there a way to casually mention it, do you think so there’s no “shock moments”?

I don’t know how to advise really, as to my dc it would be no different to meeting hetero parents!

Good luck.

My friends daughter was similiar, so worried and mortified at having her new friends visit her house. Her mum is married to a man, it was just that teenage phase of being so worried, anxious and embarrassed. If your DP wasn’t a woman it’s a good chance she would be worried about something else

My DD aged 11 wouldn't be faced by this in the slightest. Probably best for your DD to face her fears head on rather than avoid having friends altogether. Kids might talk about it for a day or two and then they'll stop.

My dd11 would be surprised as it's outside their experience, and might ask lots of questions. I think as long as you have good pudding, they'd be happy :)

I'd encourage your dd to chat to her friend and let her know before she comes over. Maybe prepare her with any potential answers to questions before she has the chat.

I can completely understand your feelings, but it's just a transition and I'm sure your dd will be fine. I think all children want to fit in and find it hard if anything is different in their home life.

That's crap OP, sorry I don't have much advice but don't be made to feel ashamed of your situation

I think as long as you have good pudding, they'd be happy

So true!

Thank you for all the replies.

I really don't want to ask her to pretend that my dw is my friend. I think that would be heavily implying that it's something to be ashamed of and that's surely going in the wrong direction.

I feel terrible that she's been worrying all this time about hurting my feelings. She shouldn't be worrying like this. She should just be enjoying having new friends.

I look after a baby from a same sex couple, my son said, "isn't great that when this little one grows up, it will be normal at school to ask, do you have 2 dads, 2 mums or a mum and a dad?" and I think he is right.

Children are far more accepting of anything considered outside the 'norm' prejudice, hatred, racism and so on only comes in because someone else has told them it is not 'right' or said something derogatory about someone.

I can’t believe someone suggested pretending she’s a friend!

Where on Earth do you live that it is outside of experience? I never knew that London was so different in this respect. Here in London - not a hip n trendy part either more of rough inner city and now suburban area - it is not unusual / both my children have been in classes with parents in same sex relationships. The only question I’ve had is how they have had babies when we were discussing how babies were made.
Back to op why does it have to be a big deal? Friend comes round and if she says who is that your child responds with mums wife and her name or mum if that is what you have chosen. I thought section 28 went years ago and it was illegal now for schools not to address homophobia?

My DC`s used to say of their DF he was an embarrassment to them, but they still brought friends home. At this age children are so sensitive about things.

Some dc at that age get embarrassed by their parents no matter what they are or do. My dd won't let my or dh play any music in the car at drop off because other dc might hear our music choices and that would be too embarrassing. Anything a little out of the normal can be stressful at that age.
It will be less of a thing for her friends than it will be for her. Although it is likely to be more of a difference in some areas than others.

Where on Earth do you live that it is outside of experience? I never knew that London was so different in this respect.

It isn't. My brother lives in London and I know his children have had these sorts of questions/responses about the fact they have two aunties with children.

My step daughter was exactly the same at this age and it's been very much a softly softly journey since. She's now 16 and generally doesn't care, she's told all the friends that matter to her and has friends around to the house and on holiday with us.

It's such a tricky age regardless of worries about SS parents - like a previous poster said if it wasn't this then it would be something else. However, the hard bit is this plays straight to your own guilt and worries which compounds the issue. We had one circumstance where a friend came round and I was "a friend" and frankly it broke my heart. I think it's important to get the balance right between listening to her and being a bit uncompromising that this is how it is now and you're not ashamed.

It might help your daughter to not feel she has to say anything! She wouldn't have to tell her friend that she had a mum and a dad at home. She should just invite the friend round and let it come out organically through conversation maybe led by you. Perhaps she just doesn't have the words.

Teenage instructions

Do not wear slippers even though you are not getting out of the car. Ditto pinny.

Do not play your music so friends can hear it.

Do not have a funny hairstyle/colour on your hair.

Do not wear anything tight, or that shows your boobs.

Do not talk to them about me.

Do not ask friends about school.

Do not put any pics of me on facebook or any other medium.

Parents should be neither seen nor heard in their world.

My perspective on this comes from having a DS with a common but serious medical condition which attracts some stigma (totally unwarrantedly) which affected his friendships and led to some bullying/exclusion at junior school. On starting secondary school he didn't want to discuss it with anyone. His choice. People have found out naturally over time but he was keen to be seen as himself and to form friendships without the label. I imagine that your DD is feeling similar. Have you ever watched Wonder? The portrayal of the sister in this is in my view really good at exploring the nuances of loving a family member passionately but wanted to form a life (at high school) where people don't know about her brother's genetic condition. Off the wall thought, but you could try watching the film with her and discussing it from that perspective which would allow you to explore the issues. In our house we reckon that people's response to my son's condition is a good arsehole test and helps weed out potentially unpleasant people. However, we also respect that it's my DS's choice as to whether he wants to expose himself to potentially being treated differently or exposing himself to gossip or bullying.

I think ScruffyBarnsley has hit the nail on the head there. I think it's important that (while being understanding of her fears) you don't communicate any of your guilt or worry about this situation down to your dd. Now's the time to be steadfast/serene (on the surface at least!) and relentlessly unapologetic too! And agree she doesn't have to say anything if she doesn't want to just as she wouldn't need to explain a heterosexual relationship.

I'd talk to her and try and dig down a bit and identify exactly what is worrying her: being different? her friends potential reactions? the fact that she has kept quiet or lied about it previously at school and is worried she's going to be accused of being dishonest? something else? and allow her to express how she really feels about it. She may need to be taken through the basics as to why she needn't feel worried or ashamed because although your relationship is something she may have accepted instinctively six yrs ago, she may not have the intellectual arguments completely clear in her head.

I'd also do a bit of role play (nothing too heavy) as to how she might respond to questions or criticism. I'd encourage her to adopt a breezy/honesty is the best policy approach.

I definitely don’t think you should hide who your wife is, but what does dd call her normally? My kids call my husband his name- so he’d be introduced as that and not “my mums husband”... sometimes their stepdad but sometimes not. Kids dont like to think us parents have a sex life as it is- regardless of who it’s with. If your dd introduces Jane as jane- the friend May or may not twig and if she doesn’t Until a later date it won’t seem such a big deal. “Yeah- janes my mums wife, duh!”

OP please don't feel guilty, I think this is just teenagers!!

I had a similar issue with my DD (14) recently, but she was worried/embarrassed about her friends knowing about my DP (male) who's not her father! She said she didn't want anyone to ask follow on questions. I didn't realise that for the last 4 years she had been saying it was my friend!

She is very open about some of her friends 'coming out' and same sex relationships, so I think although posters are questioning were you live, etc. it has nothing to do with it, I just think teenagers are always worried about fitting in. I imagine if your DD's friend said her parents were in a same sex relationship, she wouldn't be bothered and just accept it. I suppose they don't like drawing attention to themselves, whether it's their parents, car, house, partners or siblings.

Good luck, tell your DD to be brave once and then it becomes easier (I did this with my DD, initially it was 'I didn't understand', but she's fine with it now). But please don't feel guilty, you are modelling a great relationship to her, that accounts for so much more.

And to the previous poster we we live in London

My DS's godparents are lesbians, they know and have been exposed to lots of children and teens and haven't ever had negative comments about it really. There was a bit of teasing at school when they were young but they and I were born in the 1990s. It was less spoken about then. Honestly most of the teenagers I meet now are more than comfortable with it - particularly girls. (Remember, that's only my experience, not saying boys are less open just I've met more girls personally that are.) But those I've met see it as old-fashioned and silly to be odd about it, more of a 'God, my Gran might have an issue but I've never got why' kind of attitude to it. I think a gentle approach as above posters have suggested is a really good idea, dropping your partner's name in to conversation with a close friend to start or similar could work. Really hope she can feel comfortable with it, I am sure she will in time. I definitely think as teens get older, the embarrassment about home life lessens.