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Original poster

Dd embarrassed to bring home new friends. Why? Because my dp is a woman

155 replies

Cosmoplease · 12/02/2019 14:20

Hi,

So dp isn't new on the scene. We've been together for 6 years and are married.

The reason this has become an issue recently, is because in the past, dd has struggled to keep friendships going and we've very rarely had friends over from school. This isn't to say we didn't try everything we could to help, but her primary was very small and we were hoping that once she'd started high school, she'd have more chance of finding her people.....and she has!

We're obviously really happy about this, but unfortunately it's highlighted a worry of dd's. I had assumed that she'd been open about my relationship, but it seems that's not the case. She had been putting off taking the next step and actually inviting her new friends over and at first, I assumed it was because she was just generally nervous, as this was a new thing for her, but it all came out last night.

A friend is supposed to be coming over tonight, but she seemed in a very strange, anxious/rude mood. I asked her what the matter was and she completely broke down and said that she was really sorry, but she is worried about what people will think. I gave her a big hug and told her I wasn't upset with her and that I understand. Of course part of me was very hurt, but not for me, for her. I feel awful that she'd been worrying about it so much.

We have, in the past, spoken about how to deal with negative comments etc, so it's not like we've been naive. I understand that regardless of it being 2019, there will be some children who just haven't been exposed to relationships like ours in rl, but I'd like to think that that doesn't automatically mean dd will be teased because of it.

I told her that even if this girl is a little shocked initially, that doesn't mean that she has a problem with it. Just that it might be new to her.

I'd be lying if I didn't say I feel tremendous guilt though. I don't want her to have to carry this worry too. She already worries about not fitting it.

I keep hearing my mum's cutting words, when dp and I first got together (I wasn't out before then) "You can't be with xxx, it's not fair on dd. She'll be bullied". I should say, she now completely loves my dp, but it was tough in the beginning and it's just been brought back to the surface, with everything dd was saying.

So I'm just looking for a bit of advice please.

How would you handle this tricky situation. I resent it being one, but it is what it is.

TIA

OP posts:
SloeBerri · 13/02/2019 09:04

As a result teacher I’ve met a fair few same sex couples (well actually about 15, but never male...). 99% of the time it was a nine issue, rarely commented on (and I worked in faith schools). Incidents were mild, and when you factor in other comments about being poor/ racial comments and all the other nasty thins other kids can say I don’t think it was something that stood out.

I understand you and her worrying, but this is just perspective that people mostly don’t care, and if they do it’ll be a few comments, not avoiding her or sustained issues. And that’s rare.

Just carry on being you, wait for her to mature a little and it’ll be fine

TinklyLittleLaugh · 13/02/2019 09:15

I’m a little surprised by this. I live just outside a northern mill town and half DS(12)’s class seems to be trans or gay or bi or whatever. My older kids have countless friends who are gay. DD2 is bi, DUncle is gay, living with a man.

Surely it’s normal and accepted everywhere now?

TheQueenSnortsAvocados · 13/02/2019 09:36

Jesus fucking Christ. Being gay is not a class issue. No one gives a shit where you live or how many gay friends you've collected.

OP I think you've handled this as well as you can, by listening, being open, and recognising that teenagers are awkward buggers. Your daughter will very likely be okay in time, as her confidence in her friendships grow.

And Sarah - I totally get where you're coming from!

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/02/2019 09:48

I think you should be yourselves. No deliberately mention it or hide it.

This is how I think you should handle it and what I was getting at in my post upthread. Her friend really isn’t going to think twice about the family set up.

I do think you need to put your dds feelings first because this age is probably the most difficult one as everything is really embarrassing and terribly difficult to deal with. By the time your dd reaches 14 she will be able to handle life a lot better. By this, I’m not suggesting you should hide your marriage til then and of course if it comes up in conversation, no one should hide the truth.

Original poster
Cosmoplease · 13/02/2019 10:31

So it seemed to go well overall. Apparently dd told her friend about dw and she said "Oh.. that's weird. Ok". Dd didn't seem particularly bothered by it and apparently the girl asked if they could have a sleep over next week.

As pp have mentioned, I think how the parents react is potentially more of an issue.

OP posts:
MerryInthechelseahotel · 13/02/2019 10:49

Why failed them Merry? Should everyone go find a same sex family to befriend so they can familiarise their children???

The poster said she didn't know what her children would have said if they had gone to a friends house in this situation. Surely you let children know right from a very young age that it's ok for them or their friends to be different ie gay, a different colour, have different capabilities.

Mookatron · 13/02/2019 10:55

Glad it went OK. Now that's out of the way your DD will probably find having people round easier in general!

dangermouseisace · 13/02/2019 11:01

So glad it went ok ish, and that a sleep over is on the cards. Hopefully now it’s been broached with one friend and nothing terrible has happened, your DD will be more confident about her home situation.

caughtinanet · 13/02/2019 11:32

Do you worry you may have failed them somehow?

Yes, totally my fault that I haven't advertised in the local paper for random same sex couples with children to please be my friends and that the local smallish primary school hasn't insisted that some token couples chose to send their children there so other parents can tick some kind of box oh, and, yes, maybe my again smallish employer should start positively discriminating when hiring and the same sex couples I do know are being pretty selfish not having children.

What a stupid comment, of course I haven't failed them,

nevernotstruggling · 13/02/2019 11:36

@whiteroseredrose sane!!! He he

caughtinanet · 13/02/2019 11:38

The poster said she didn't know what her children would have said if they had gone to a friends house in this situation. Surely you let children know right from a very young age that it's ok for them or their friends to be different ie gay, a different colour, have different capabilities

And since when does I don't know what they would say translate to they would have negative views or be bigoted in some way? I've posted neutral factual comments that you are somehow determined to interpret in a bad way, why is that?

TeacupDrama · 13/02/2019 12:40

it is not surprising lots of people don't know LGBT couples according to UK government statistics LGBT are 2% of population on average so from that about 1 in 50 couples will be LGBT less than 50% of them have children so that's only 1 in 100+ so statistically in a small primary of 100-200 pupils it is high likely there are no LGBT parents

I can't magic people from different diversities into the area, some areas like London and many cities have lots of diversity some areas have virtually none, my DD goes to a small village school everyone has English as a first language, several ethnicities and religions are not represented at all, we are not failing our children because for example no one of chinese origin lives within 5 miles neither does it mean the children would be racist or any other form of discrimination

the media suggest because of all the discussion re trans gender recognition that the numbers involved are much bigger than is actually the case

the OP seems to have dealt with it OK and so has her DD

caughtinanet · 13/02/2019 14:24

@teacupdrama

Your situation sounds very similar to mine, I often find that posters can be very closed minded about those who dont live in a large town or city

Those are interesting statistics, thank you

whiteroseredrose · 13/02/2019 17:29

Googled stats. Apparently there are 'over 1 million' LGB people in the UK. Using rough calculations from the census probably 1.2 million. According to the Independent there are 3.5 million vegans. Amazing. And explains why I don't know many LGB in real life.

Upsy1981 · 13/02/2019 19:34

Sounds like it went Well. In my experience, kids that age just say something is weird if they're not really sure what to say so I wouldn't read anything into that. Plans for a sleepover seem very promising.

Our old neighbours were in a same sex relationship. I didn't actually know this (not that it would have made any difference if I had) but DD took it completely at face value. She was only about 6 when she met them as the kids had started playing out together. DD would go on days out with them etc and no issue at all except a bit of bemusement about the confusion of having two people called mum in the house. I think this only becomes an issue when kids are teens and therefore embarrassed about the strangest things. If it wasn't this it would be something else. Hopefully now the first hurdle is done it will be plain sailing from here on.

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/02/2019 19:59

It’s brilliant your dd told her friend. Good on her. I’d be very proud in your shoes as it sounds as though she’s been really struggling with how to broach the subject with her friend. As for how parents react, if they are negative, it says far more about them than it does about you.

AlexaShutUp · 13/02/2019 20:29

Glad that it went well, OP. Hopefully, if it gets back to the friend's parents, they won't think anything of it. Personally, I couldn't care less whether the parents of dd's friends are gay or straight, I just hope that they're nice people!

limpbizkit · 13/02/2019 20:43

Believe me - I think most of us parents are labelled 'weird' by teenagers for one thing or another. I wouldn't read too much into that. It's obviously long forgotten how 'weird' it all is what with the upcoming sleepover Grin I think it was a success!

SarahAndQuack · 13/02/2019 20:44

I am so glad it went well! Hopefully it will all resolve itself now.

@Thequeensnortsavocados - thanks! Glad I am making some sense somewhere!

HappyLife21 · 13/02/2019 20:47

a northern mill town is it Hebden Bridge? Grin

donquixotedelamancha · 13/02/2019 20:56

According to the Independent there are 3.5 million vegans.

The data collection used for that urvey was skewed. There are actually just 9 vegans in the UK but they really fucking go on about it.

Original poster
Cosmoplease · 15/02/2019 13:29

Sorry for the delay!

I can't say I was concerned about the word "weird". It's completely different coming from a child. I don't think dd was particularly phased by it either, which is the main thing.

OP posts:
DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 15/02/2019 13:59

Glad it went well. Incidentally, the answer to the question "what do gay people do in bed?" is "eat biscuits and listen to Radio 4, you impertinent child". I reproved DD(13) for asking that of one of her friend's dads.

Original poster
Cosmoplease · 15/02/2019 14:11

Disgrace Grin

OP posts:
rosablue · 02/03/2019 22:24

This has just reminded me of ds1 when he was in infant school and a couple of his friends had two mums. Father’s Day rolled around and we were discussing what he could get for his dad, both real world ideas (box of chocs, his favourite beer etc) and if we won the lottery in time (camper van, mega holiday etc).
Ds1 piped up ‘another mum’ at which my imeediste response was SadShockConfused as you can imagine, so asked was I not a good enough mum, did he want me to go? (Dh and I very happy together, thought the dc were happy too, so this was complete shock). To which ds was then horrified because he had meant in addition to me - his reasoning (as only a 5 yr old can!) was that while he loves mummy and daddy, his friends love having two mummies, so if he had a daddy and two mummies all at home, he would have the best of everything Grin and it would make everybody’s life easier and better...

needless to say, had to let ds down on that one but felt much better after his explanation!