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Original poster

Dd embarrassed to bring home new friends. Why? Because my dp is a woman

155 replies

Cosmoplease · 12/02/2019 14:20

Hi,

So dp isn't new on the scene. We've been together for 6 years and are married.

The reason this has become an issue recently, is because in the past, dd has struggled to keep friendships going and we've very rarely had friends over from school. This isn't to say we didn't try everything we could to help, but her primary was very small and we were hoping that once she'd started high school, she'd have more chance of finding her people.....and she has!

We're obviously really happy about this, but unfortunately it's highlighted a worry of dd's. I had assumed that she'd been open about my relationship, but it seems that's not the case. She had been putting off taking the next step and actually inviting her new friends over and at first, I assumed it was because she was just generally nervous, as this was a new thing for her, but it all came out last night.

A friend is supposed to be coming over tonight, but she seemed in a very strange, anxious/rude mood. I asked her what the matter was and she completely broke down and said that she was really sorry, but she is worried about what people will think. I gave her a big hug and told her I wasn't upset with her and that I understand. Of course part of me was very hurt, but not for me, for her. I feel awful that she'd been worrying about it so much.

We have, in the past, spoken about how to deal with negative comments etc, so it's not like we've been naive. I understand that regardless of it being 2019, there will be some children who just haven't been exposed to relationships like ours in rl, but I'd like to think that that doesn't automatically mean dd will be teased because of it.

I told her that even if this girl is a little shocked initially, that doesn't mean that she has a problem with it. Just that it might be new to her.

I'd be lying if I didn't say I feel tremendous guilt though. I don't want her to have to carry this worry too. She already worries about not fitting it.

I keep hearing my mum's cutting words, when dp and I first got together (I wasn't out before then) "You can't be with xxx, it's not fair on dd. She'll be bullied". I should say, she now completely loves my dp, but it was tough in the beginning and it's just been brought back to the surface, with everything dd was saying.

So I'm just looking for a bit of advice please.

How would you handle this tricky situation. I resent it being one, but it is what it is.

TIA

OP posts:
LuggsaysNotaWomen · 12/02/2019 18:14

DS1’s bests friends mum is in a same sex relationship. He didn’t bat an eye and it was ages before he even mentioned it because I usually dropped him round at his dad’s as that’s nearer to us and I hadn’t met his mum.

Kids are usually not as phased by these things as we think they are going to be. I think you’re right not to try and cover it up because it does smack of being ashamed. I think your DS is just going to have to grasp the nettle and invite the friend round. Once the initial intros are done it will be unremarkable and they’ll move onto more interesting things.

Original poster
Cosmoplease · 12/02/2019 18:15

Sorry I haven't replied to everyone. A bit difficult to reply properly right now.

OP posts:
LuggsaysNotaWomen · 12/02/2019 18:16

DD - sorry. I did type Dd but autocorrect hates me.

Bluntness100 · 12/02/2019 18:18

What does she call you both?

I think I would urge her to simply act like any other kid, that it's no big deal, this is mum this is mum, and if the other kid asks, just get her to answer pragmatically, yup, they are gay shrug,

She may get asked about a dad or conception, so she should be prepared to answer that or bat it away.

But my gut would sa6 the less she acts concerned the less her friend will be, the issue sadly is more likely to be rhe parents.

soulrider · 12/02/2019 18:20

I have friends and relatives in same sex relationships but none who are also parents. I think that's the part that children may not have encountered before. I would say that's still fairly unusual.

LuckyLou7 · 12/02/2019 18:26

The reality is, unless you live in Brighton or London, the MAJORITY of children will not have come across this

Good grief, are you serious?

titchy · 12/02/2019 18:28

Good grief, are you serious?

Why is that surprising?

Acopyofacopy · 12/02/2019 18:30

Starting secondary school can be very tough and most children just want to fit in and be “normal”, whatever this means.

Do all of your dd’s friends come from the classic mum, dad, 2 kids and a dog kind of families?
Maybe you could find out together that there is no such thing as “normal” and that every single one of her friends will be equally embarrassed about their lives?

donquixotedelamancha · 12/02/2019 18:30

Does your daughter's friend have to know straight away. Could she not be introduced as a friend?

Dear God no. I'm sure this was meant kindly but it's awful on so many levels.

Kids these days are generally much more accepting than our generation. It is unlikely to cause her any big issues. The smart move is for her to steer into it and be very blasé.

TrickyKid · 12/02/2019 18:33

Where do you live? Do you think other kids might not be aware of same sex couples?
This would be an absolute non issue for the kids I know.

TeacupDrama · 12/02/2019 18:33

out of cities it is really not that common, I only know of 1 older gay couple in village they are 60 year old men, my DD 9 would not even know them, I am unaware of any same sex parents at her school, I have 1 gay friend she is not in a relationship at present; DD knows the words and understands but has no personal experience of it and would be a bit surprised though polite

however no teenager wants to see PDA with their own parents ever it is too embarrassing when they are on their own never mind if friends around, at that age parents breathing can be embarrassing

Mmmmbrekkie · 12/02/2019 18:33

I understand that regardless of it being 2019, there will be some children who just haven't been exposed to relationships like ours in rl

Understatement. The overwhelming majority will have no insight in to this whatsoever

ArnoldBee · 12/02/2019 18:33

Teens hate anything that they think makes them different from their peers. My son actually complained at one point as we were the only parents of his friends that were married! I would just introduce yourselves by your names as I presume you don't want this friend calling you DDs mum for the rest of her life. If any questions arise just ask them simply and truthfully as possible. To be honest I would be surprised if you actually see much of them!

pinkmirror · 12/02/2019 18:40

I was totally embarrassed of my parents at high school, imo completely normal behaviour and nothing to do with you being gay.

Just leave it and maybe say to dd she doesn’t really have to introduce you just let her friends come round. I definitely used to rush past my parents quickly into my room with friends in tow and not much in the way of introductions happened (obviously I realise I was rude but I feel was pretty normal with me and my friends)

Original poster
Cosmoplease · 12/02/2019 18:43

Jamesblonde, "Even though TV adverts try to tell us otherwise, It is still very rare "

I'm sorry, but it's comments like this that stop us from moving forward. What is still very rare? Gay people? And as for inclusive adverts, would you rather that minority groups aren't represented? I think if you named all adverts that didn't contain any gay couples, families etc, it will still be much much higher than those that did.

OP posts:
bullyingadvice2017 · 12/02/2019 18:45

My dd is yr 7. My best friend lives with us and is very much the other adult in our home... we holiday together, share school runs, childcare etc and often get mistaken for a couple/ family unit.
Dd says her friends have never questioned it or asked if we are together. But their parents ask them all about our setup! Very telling.

Witchend · 12/02/2019 18:46

Teenagers are always embarrassed by parents. If it wasn't this it would be something else. I wouldn't make too big a thing over it and she'll probably let it out at some point to her friends.
If she's had difficulty making friends at primary, and is only year 7 it's still early days for her to feel secure enough to share more personal information with the friends.

anniehm · 12/02/2019 18:46

My kids couldn't care less. We never actually sat them down and explained uncle was gay but they just accepted they shared a room when they stayed at our house. It's so normal now.

However if she's worried is there any reason she needs to mention who you live with - even if your dp is home there's no need to specify your relationship (she could be a visiting friend) unless it's a sleepover.

If it's not resolved soon might be worth having a word at school who may be able to suggest ways to let your daughter be open in a safe environment. By 12/13 kids are coming out themselves so it's an excellent opportunity to help your dd and support LGBTQ kids at a very vulnerable time of their lives

Mookatron · 12/02/2019 18:46

I don't blame your DD for feeling like this but in the nicest possible way it's her problem to deal with. You're her mum, she loves you both, she's going to have to find a way to deal with the situation. The arsehole test is a good one but apart from supporting her all you can do is be as friendly but not too friendly and normal but not too normal as possible. DD will find her way.

Original poster
Cosmoplease · 12/02/2019 18:53

I'm really finding some of these replies really deflating and saddening.

I really don't want this to turn into a debate, but do people really think I should have to lie about who my dw is? A "visiting friend"? I'm sorry, Annie, you sound like I nice person and I'm sure you're trying to help, but the idea of having to do that is really upsetting and that's putting it mildly.

OP posts:
elloelloello · 12/02/2019 18:55

My DD’s best friend’s mum is in a same sex marriage.

DD has never been phased by it - didn’t actually realise for about a year.

I know DD’s friend was quite quiet about her home life to start. The friend pretty much lived here but DD very rarely went to her friends but friend did start to open up and once she saw DD’s reaction (or complete lack of one) she has gained in confidence and her friendship circle has widened and they all have sleepovers at her house too now

From what DD has said there were a few silly comments in the later years of primary school but once they started in secondary (they’re now year 9) nothing has been said to her

LuckyLou7 · 12/02/2019 19:10

@Cosmoplease

Some of the replies on here are odd. I'm not surprised you feel deflated. My DD is gay, married, has a 2yo DS and is pregnant with their second child. Younger nephews and nieces in the wider family have just accepted it without blinking. She and her wife have a large circle of friends and everyone knows that their little boy has two mams and daddy isn't part of the family. They don't live in Brighton or London either.

I honestly think your DD's embarrassment is about parents in general, and nothing to do with your relationship. Don't pretend your wife is your 'special' friend, not for anyone.

titchy · 12/02/2019 19:10

Please don't take this the wrong way, but this isn't about validating your relationship, it's about making your home the most comfortable for your dd to bring friends home to.

She's told you there's something about her home that's worrying her. - please listen to her - her feelings right now are more important than yours or your dp's.

Once she's settled at her new school and in an established, hopefully supportive, friendship group, then you can encourage her to be 'loud and proud' about her mum and step-mum.

kittybee · 12/02/2019 19:12

I live in a village rather than a city. My eldest child (16) has two friends at school who’s mums are in same sex relationships. My youngest child has a friend who’s mum is also in a same sex relationship. Once when I asked who one of the lady’s was, my child said “oh, that’s so and so’s mum’s girlfriend”. No big deal. Rightly so. Neither of my girls have ever wanted to have a ‘talk’ about it, I honestly don’t think they’ve given it a second thought. They have simply been brought up to know that love is love, and you don’t choose who you fall in love with. I’m hoping my girls (and their friends) are not unusual in this day and age, and that your daughter may be worrying for nothing op.

IvanaPee · 12/02/2019 19:13

Honestly, don’t let it become a big deal.

We’ll never, ever move forward if there’s still an element of othering with gay relationships.

It shouldn’t be a topic for debate/discussion.

It’s not a gay marriage. It’s just a marriage. It just is!

Don’t get me wrong, I feel for your dd but the best way to deal with this is to lead by example.

Her friends are always welcome. But you are what you are and if they don’t like it it’s unfortaunte but children aren’t bigoted as a rule and if it turns out this is a problem for some people then you don’t want your dd Around those people!